Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

direct from LONDON... stats of daily living....things you need (or do you?)///


1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a firend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

[bonyhadi]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Gents, wise words from our brethren who have gone before us. Please take
notes!

Man's five most feared questions:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly
(i.e. tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a
bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer
is necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.














The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls
your name . . . and they say golf is a quiet game." --
Anonymous

-------------------------------------

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters.

-------------------------------------

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

[bonyhadi]

Home is where you lay your hat . . . and a few close intimate friends : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Gynecologist says to a Lesbian
"You have the cleanest ***** I've ever seen."
The Lesbian replies,

"I should have, I have a woman in twice a week!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

TOILET PAPER FACTS

You can gauge a person's education by whether they
read in the bathroom.

More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree
and doctorates read in the stall.

Only one in two high school grads read while in the
bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.

Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet
tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball
before using it.

Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)

More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet
paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the
bottom. The rest don't care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage
A word that should be pronounced as "mirage"
Adultery
Putting yourself in someone else's position
Honeymoon salad
Lettuce alone w/o dressing
A smart Husband
One who thinks twice before saying nothing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began telling her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place," she began,
"the big ones went for a ten and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied with sarcasm.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off rear ends.
The round ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" asked the wife.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you heard of the new book entitled
"1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?"
It contains comments from 1001 different women
on how men can be better in bed.

I think that women would actually settle for three ...

Slow down
Turn off the TV
and
Call out the right name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have dreams about Homosexuality

If the dreamer is heterosexual, dreams of this nature suggest a period of basic insecurity in relations with the opposite sex.
Homosexual dreams by heterosexuals may represent secret
fears/anxieties about masculine/feminine aspects or your personality..
Dreams of homosexual encounters, or of being accused of being a
homosexual, are common for expectant fathers.
If occurring in dreams prior to an upcoming wedding, anxiety about your changing situation may be expressed as a fantasy alternative.

Lastly it may be guilt about sexual feelings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~



Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group

of mammals that exist ~ especially fruit bats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Japanese whore showed affection
To powerful men with direction
Once while he was lovin' er
She said to the governor
"I'm working for your re-erection!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

NEW VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do
not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program
your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
For god's sake, are you listening?
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things
in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
*******Please Send, send, send, send, and send!********
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to
himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely
stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or
later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've
got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as
soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the
bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT HI-JACKER

A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a
startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains
all over the place."

But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at
the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense
of
direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red, drops his
gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot
asks
the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE would be the one who'd have to give you guys
your blowjobs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife Jill standingin the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7-inch spike heels, and the
whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" John asks.
"I think the waterbed burst," says the trembling Jill. Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands John.
Jill replies demurely, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years? Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the old woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

[bonyhadi]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him!

The morals of this story:

1 - Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2 - Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3 - And when you’re in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut.






A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his
town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroomA man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his
town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie
down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie
down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"










1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[bonyhadi]

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag,
he looks over to the other side and
sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to
make it to the other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just
makes it to the the bag and starts
devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in
the middle of the river.


The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****!

[bonyhadi]

SEX AND YOUR FIRST NAME:

According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first
letter
of your first name... what do you think? (Those of you with names that
start with "N" will probably wish it started with"K"!)

-A-

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You

mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.You have no
patience
for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,

cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it
comes
to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.Your mate's physical
attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of

the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being
much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around
advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary
concern.

-B-

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined,
and
dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression often
affection
of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate.

You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when
it
comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your

approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be.

You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to
experiment.

-C-

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a
relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able
to
talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.You want the object
of
your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your
lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual,
needing
someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be
achieved,
you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You

are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D-

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full
steam
ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are
nurturing
and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly
sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes
possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are
stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E-

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you
have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or
you
are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a
companion
for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a
good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot,
for
the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once
you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you
don't
have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good
book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

-F-

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You
look
for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once
committed,
you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a
romantic.Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can
be
a very generous lover.

-G-

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You
respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who
can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak
of
erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties
and
responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have
difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting
close sexually.

-H-

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You

will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.

Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the
commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating
habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a
sensual
and patient lover.

-I-

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You
enjoy
luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who
know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless
that
amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires
satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual
expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and
change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright
lustful.

-J-

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a
partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of
love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual
experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn
you
on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating,
otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You
require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being
appreciated.

-K-

You are totally ****ing marvelous!

[bonyhadi]

continued.....


-L-

You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who
have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in
love.You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not

tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M-

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you
throw
your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred.

You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and
intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try
anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is in exhaustible.

You also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N-

You are crap in bed.

-O-

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about

your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making
money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of
celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring
the
same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand
intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes
your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P-

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of
doing
anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count,
therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an
intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your
enemy;
a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of
sexual
hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing
things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal
of
physical
gratification.

-Q-

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous
physical
energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or
otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be
attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and

flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who
can
keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the
better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great
body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You
have
to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not

beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a

very demanding playmate.

-S-

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual,
and
passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will

this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the
nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the
trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very
seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the
right person to come along.

-T-

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a
partner
who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you
on.
You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When
in
love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You
enjoy
having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased.

You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams,
often times all in your own head.

-U-

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you
are
in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance
as
a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and
freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy
seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire
instant gratification. You are willing to put;your partner's pleasures
above your own.

-V-

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You
wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing
someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to
see
what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there
is
an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger,
thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you
yourself
may not be a participant.

-W-

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer
when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic,
and
often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or she
really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your
relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing
love
games.

-X-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle
more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.

You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,
all
by yourself, in your own head.

-Y-

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your

way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your
relationships,which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to
physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching,
feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money,

you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to
prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want
feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic
bedmate.

-Z-

For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered
by
career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and
get
into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are
capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions.

You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and
your
body, for that matter. Once you
make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

[CobraDan]

The sales girl at the Pink Pu$$ycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

[CobraDan]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning. "
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything"

[bonyhadi]

Subject: Truths About Older Women

> This was too good not to pass on. Written by a man - of course. .

>
>
> It is important for men to remember that as women grow
> older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
> quality of housekeeping they did when they were
> younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
> yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
>
> When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year
> ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time
> job both for extra income and for health insurance
> benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when
> we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land
> a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.
>
> It was shortly after she started working at this job
> that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
> I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
> same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
> how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
> to rest for half an hour or so before
>
> she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
> happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I
> understand that she is not as young as she used to be.
> I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get
> supper on the table.
>
> She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we
> finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
> on the table for several hours after supper. I do
>
> what I can by reminding her several times each evening
> that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
> appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
> done before she goes to bed.
>
> Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was
> younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the
> stairs all day and not get tired.
>
> Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
> more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make
> another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
> issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry
> the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only
> that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to
> the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
> Saturday's club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling
> or Friday's poker game or something like that, I will
> tell her to wait until the next evening to do the
> ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some
> of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or
dusting.
>
> Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this
> allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
> leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not
often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to
> find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her
complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two
> or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
> much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
> now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I
> mean.
>
> When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
> more rest periods than she used to have to take. A
> couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break
> when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
>
> I overlook comments like these because I realize it's
> just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her
> when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell
> her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
> squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her
> that as long as she is making one for herself, she may
> as well make one for me and take her break by the
> hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
>
> I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm
> coming from.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
> support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
> the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
> Many men will find it difficult . Some will find it
> impossible. No one knows better than I do how
> frustrating women can become as they get older. My
> purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you
> make the effort. I realize that achieving the
> exemplary level of showing consideration
>
> I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
> However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
> little less often because of this article, I will
> consider that writing it was worthwhile.
> ------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to
your eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line while we trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are delusional and think you are possessed by Satan, press 666.

If you think you are calling Focus on the Family, please enter your credit card number now.

Click.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
A new young monk arrives at the monastery.? He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be
picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody
and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
The List:

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest joy...........................................Givi ng
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait...................Selfishness
The most endangered species.....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest shot in the arm...........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset..........................................Fai th
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple were sitting watching the tv one evening
Out of the blue (suddenly) the old girl got up, walked across the room to her husband and wacked him around
the ear and then returned to her chair
He was totally taken by surprise, but when he recovered, he asked "what was that
for?"
She said, "that's for being such a lousy lover all our married life".
So the old fella got up and walked over to her and wacked her one around the
ear......"and that's for knowing the difference".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling,
he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with
mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband.
"The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A newlywed sailor was transferred to a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. He
soon began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her al etter."My darling," he wrote, "it looks
like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly
surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I
would not be so tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually
his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't
wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
"First, let me see you play that harmonica!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carnation Milk

A lady had been married to a farmer
all of her life. They had cows and
horses on their farm and also grew
a number of crops for sale at the
local farmers market.

While shopping at the local grocery
store for a few items that she and
her husband did not raise or grow
for themselves, she came across a
contest form while in the store.

So she completed their jingle and
mailed it off to the Carnation Milk
Company in an effort to win a cash
prize which had been offered for
the best entry regarding those little
cans of milk found on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first line
of jingle with these words, "I like
Carnation best of all...." and the
submitter had only to complete the
remainder of the jingle on their
entry form.

Each contestant could only use 50
words or less. A couple of months
later, the woman was surprised when
a Carnation Milk representative came
to her door and told her that her entry
was the best one submitted. However it
was unfortunate that the company could
not publish it.

In lieu of that latter fact, they had
decided that her entry was worth at least
a consolation award and provided her with
a company check in the amount of $1,000
for her creativity. Here is her entry

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no **** to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a *****.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Das Leben ist zu kurz um schlecten Wein zu
trinken

During the National Spelling Bee recently in the
nation's capital,
Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering
that the USA was embedded in the middle of
Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The
revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader
at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville
Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the
word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who
realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy
city. Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest, citing
American bias toward Israel.
"It's a clear violation of church and state," said
Mohammed Ahlee,
lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials
quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the
Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed
Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High,
had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan
as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,"
said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is
still hiding there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sales girl at the Pink *****cat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Brain Teasers:

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and
still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the
barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.


Click here: Emode.com - The Ultimate IQ Test - page 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
What Gender Are They

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
============================================

[bonyhadi]

A Yankee salesman was traveling through the countryside peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is
so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite
on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the
house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet
he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" He looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My God,
Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer was tart: "I
have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out all night and a fireplace
that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want a husband?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take
enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo,too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place.
Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a impish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My ***** must have eaten it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hat pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"G-d!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``


Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then
shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson,
yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their
trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for
the night.



"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady.


"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did

you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old
lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe me,
pull a hair from your butt
and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.


THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought
for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and
money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax
Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and
on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the
guy asks the
bartender about it.

Guy: Hey bartender what's all the money for?

Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.

Guy: Oh yea, what is it?

Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch.

The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.

Guy: Well, I think I could take him.

Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?

Guy: Yea I see it.

Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.

The guy thinks for a little while and replies Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.

Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.

Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!

Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?

Guy: Yea Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.

Guy: I'M OUTTA THIS BET!

But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on
the
table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the
pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking
of an angry
dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender
hears the
dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...

The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and
looks at the
bartender:













A magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over
again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the captain's parrot.


Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.


Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"












Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and
discovered a nude female,dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took of his cap and
placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Australian fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crutch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next he lifted the All Black cap replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it
then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it
one last time.

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked "What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look
under an Australian hat I find an asshole."

[bonyhadi]

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage,
and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE."
:-)
*

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.









A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He
took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of
wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."








An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found,
to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a
rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've
got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."









Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage,
and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE."
:-)
*

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.









A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He
took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of
wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."








An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found,
to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a
rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've
got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."









Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.







A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."
===========================





A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."
===========================

[bonyhadi]

gotta love those Aussies:-

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava
> Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped
> her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the
> unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their
> testicles.
>
> The old lady spent a week hunting those men down --
> and when she found them, she took revenge on them in
> her own special way,- said Melbourne police
> investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the
> nearest police station, laid the gun on the
> sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could
> be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again,
> by God.'
>
> Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth,
> 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when
> outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
> hotel room where he and former prison cellmate
> Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled
> avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come,
> but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
> police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his
> manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be
> using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told
> reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape,
> but I think they're just happy to be alive after
> what they've been through.
>
> The Rambo Granny swung into action June 21 after her
> granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in
> broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a
> section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw
> the look on my Debbie's face that night in the
> hospital, I decided I was going to go
> out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured
> the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired
> library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either
> -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin'
> all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in
> when the law changed about owning one."
>
> So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects
> and Debbie's description of the sickos',
> tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the
> wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took
> place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists
> entering their flophouse hotel. I know it was them
> the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
> anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure
> as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I
> went back to that hotel and found their room and
> knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one,
> Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square
> between
> the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most,
> you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as
> he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I
> went down to the police station and turned myself
> in.
>
> Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly
> how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did
> was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is
> difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison.
> Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in
> the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a
> medal.

[CobraDan]

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

[bonyhadi]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look
and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops
at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice
cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've
blown a seal." "No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's
just ice cream."






As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and
sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and
looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the
butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down
the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He
does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around
the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the
front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This
dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time
this week he's forgotten his key!"


Sam and Joe, two old friends from childhood, were living in the local nursing home. As their
nurse was making rounds one day, she saw Sam sitting on the foot of his bed making noises
like an automobile motor.
"Where ya going, Sam?" asked the nurse.
In a quaking voice, Sam replied "I'm going to Chicago to have a good time".
"Be careful", said nurse. Later in the day, she came back by the men's room and again saw
Sam sitting in a chair this time and making slurping noises as if eating. "What are you doing,
Sam?" asked the nurse.
"I'm having a wonderful dinner in Chicago," said Sam. The nurse told him that was great and
to enjoy his dinner. On her return trip to the station, the nurse saw Joe standing naked in
the middle of the room and making hunching moves. ''JOE! What in the world are you
doing?", barked the nurse.
Joe, in a proud but shaky voice replied, "I'm ****ing Sam's wife while he's in Chicago".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to
read a book. As he was reading,
he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each
time. He would then stop and resume
reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any
further. She got up and started
stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked: "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my kitty. I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love
tonight?!"
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
"The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're getting 'marvelously mature' when.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Favorite excuses for missing work:
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for
not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I
won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to
drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me
I was Jewish.
I fell off the ladder.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simple rules for all men to follow....

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is most important that these three women never meet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Children saying the Pledge in schools could be taught reality instead of religion. So let's
change " one nation under G-d " to be more realistic by switching to..." one nation under the
I.R.S. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

Life in the 1500's, something interesting to ponder.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were
laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to
bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a
house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through
the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~*
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
b.o.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that
problem.
Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if
this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let the bed bugs
bite"...
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding
more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh
hold".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when
that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened
most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400
years.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never
washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".