Joke of the Day...

[CobraEd]

KEEPING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE

At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends

At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.,

At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants

[CobraEd]

The Dreaded Pretzel Hold:


Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[CobraEd]

Haircut

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

[CobraDan]

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrased performing female exams and had unconsiously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrasement.
The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarassed him.
He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor,but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

[CobraDan]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at The end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

[Chad Johnson]

Hersh,

l thought litle Johnny's sister could only "fascinate" because the blouse had ten buttons

[CobraDan]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and
cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing
to the bowl).
"Oh, yes", she replied. "I was walking downtown last fall and I found this
little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

[BT SNAKE]

A beautiful waitress worked in a very nice chinese
restuarant. The owner of the restuarant became fond of
her and they dated. After a long relationship they were married.
They decided to spend their Honeymoon at the most luxurious
hotel in the city. As they were laying in bed the owner looked
at his new bride and said, " tonight I will give you anything you want".
She thought about this for a minute and said, " I have always wanted to try a sixty nine"!
He looked at her very puzzled and said, You want Muloung beef
with snow peas"?

Hersh

[CobraDan]

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," she replied.

[CobraEd]

Amazing Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, ``I found it.''

[Ikestaa]

I am nominating CobraEd for Worse Joke Ever!

[CobraDan]

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

[Jamo]

Excuse me CobraDan, if that was a pole--I scored 100%. What do I win?

[CobraDan]

Jamo,

No pole but your pushing it being born in 1953. I won the pole a long time ago being born in 1939.
Dan

[Jamo]

[mr0077]

A jogger was jogging down the beach when he came upon a beautiful young woman, who didn't have any arms or legs. The woman was laying on a blanket on the beach and sobbing quietly. The jogger stopped and gently asked her what was wrong
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs and I've never been kissed!", she replied. The jogger said not to worry, kissed her and continued on his way.
A short while later another jogger came running down the beach, and when he passed the woman, she was crying, with tears streaming down her face. He stopped and asked what was wrong.
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs and I've never had my breasts fondled!", she replied. The jogger happily said hey, no problem, took care of her concern then continued down the beach.
A little while later, a third jogger came jogging down the beach, and noticed the woman was wailing, sobbing and shreiking loudly. He stopped and asked her what was the matter.
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs, and I've never been screwed!", she said. So, the third jogger picked her up, swung her around and tossed her into the surf, saying "Now you're REALLY screwed!"

[Rick Young]

There was a woman who had car trouble and was looking under the hood to try to identify the problem when a passing male motorist stopped and ask what the problem was. Upon being told, the man took advantage of the situation and pulled the hood down so that the woman couldn't get out, lifted up her dress and had his way with her, then left her in that situation. Later a policeman came upon the sceen, rescued the woman and took her statement. She told him what had happened, that she couldn't see the person but that it had to be a man from either Montana or Texas that attacked her. The polieceman asked how she knew this if she couldn't see the attacker. She said it was because he had a big buckle and a little 'tool'.

Not too good, huh.

How about the little boy who every time he saw a cowboy would say "you funny looking bowl legged bastard". This would embarras his folks to no end and they tried several approached to curb the little tykes reaction to the cowboys. Nothing seemed to work, and the sayings continued. Finally one day after a trying sutuation the parents took him home and sat him down with a book af Shakespear. Later thet evening they thought of testing the cure and went to their favorite hangout. Sure enough there was a cowboy that walked in about in the middle of dinner. Seeing this the boy stood up in his chair, turned to the cowboy and said "foresooth, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses".

Not yet.

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to line up ten shots of straight scotch. Doing so the bartender asked what sort of occation warrented this kind of reward. The man replied "my first blow job". The bartender said that it was indeed a monumental occation and that he would buy the guy another one himself. The patron responded, "don't bother, if ten drinks don't get this taste out of my mouth, one more won't help.

last chance.

Three traveling salesmen were stranded on an old country road and were forced to seek shelter at a nearby farm house. Seeing that the situation prevented the men from continuing their journey until morning the farmer agreed to put the men up for the night. As it worked out the farmer had three daughters and one of the salesmen was to share the sleeping quarters of each. After supper, as they went to bed, the farmer cautioned the salesmen to refrain from "messing around with his daughters" during the night. The next morning the farmer met the salesmen at the foot of the stairs as they came down from his daughter's bedrooms. He asked the first salesman if he had had sex with his daughter, the first salesman admitted that he had. The farmer asked what it was that he sold and the salesman replied, "scissors", to which the farmer said, "well I guess we'll just have to snip if off for disobeying my request". The second salesman came down and faced the same question, and answered the same. When asked what he sold he replied "hatchets". The famer said, "I guess we'll have to hack it off". The third salesman came down and was also faced with the question of sex and again replied that he couldn't help himself, he had had sex with the daughter. The farmer asked him what he sold and he said, "lollypops, now you can suck it off".

[CobraDan]

Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize.
If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.
Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or lawyers, but by the young men and women
in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers!

[RACER X #99]

Dan,
Another thing about old geezers.

When you see an old geezer Driving a Cobra never assume he is out driving his son's or grandson's car.

Lot's of young punks get the butts kicked by the old geezers.
(on the track that is)

Soon to be old geezer,
Cranky

[CobraDan]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are
several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
************************************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
said."Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
**************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
*************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned
and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.
****************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his Cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The
doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see;
the man had over fifty patches on his Body. Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applyingv a new one. And you always wondered
why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
*****************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
*****************************************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
*****************************************
And of course, the best is saved for last: A lady walked into a pharmacy and
spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he
answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get
it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered