Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

[bonyhadi]

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a
woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened
and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having
a reaction.
"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," was
the reply.
He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the
hive."
================================================== ===========
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow
I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a
little elephant."
The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
yelled at the kid,
"What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiled and said, "Then I would be a bus driver!"
================================================== ===========
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on
his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to
know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of
course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the
theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the
theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man
unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the
movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is
horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man
over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh,
don't worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW...BUT THIS ONE IS EATING
MY POPCORN!!"
================================================== ===========
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted
all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the
doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my
husband."
================================================== ===========
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the
head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry,
who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the
'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to
the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat
pig just walked in!"
================================================== ===========
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
====================================
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
================================================== =====
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had
been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow I can't believe the dinosaurs would come
this close to the highway!"
================================================== ===========
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What does a blonde do when someone says its chili outside?
She grabs a bowl.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

================================================== ===========
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is
so exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister
was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Proposed New Florida State Mottos

~ If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

~ Home of electile dysfunction.

~ We count more than you do.

~ If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 out of here
and visit one of the other 56 states.

~ We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

~ Relax, Retire, Re-vote.

~ Viagra voters do it again!

~ What comes after 17,311?

~ Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

~ This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

~ We don't just cheat in football.

~ We're number one! Wait! Recount!

~ So nice, we let you vote twice.

~ We put the *duh* in Florida.

~ This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!

~ Once is never enough!

~ We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!

~ Don't blame me, I voted for Gore. I think.

~ Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.

~ We're retired -- no wait -- we're retarded!

~ Don't count on us!

~ Home of the edible chad.

~ Bumbling better than ever!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Pornolize - porn for nerds http://www.pornolize.com/
============================================


SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...




1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross
================================================== =======


You're Not A Kid AnymoreWhen:
Your biggest concern about dancing is falling.Your back goes out more than you do.You no
longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.



You have a dream about prunes.You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.Your Chihuahua weighs more than
25 pounds.You read the obituaries daily.Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.

You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.You think about Walter Cronkite at least once a day.You wear knee high
stockings with everything.


Your idea of a perfect nightcap is Metamuscil.You find no humor in bladder control jokes.You can't climb a tree...even
with a ladder.You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You play golf with your wife.You don't like to drive after dark.Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

You recognize the song playing on this page,

you just can't remember the name of it.

=============================================

http://isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf
http://isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf
(Slide your mouse arrow over the people!)

TOO much information LOL
================================================== ========

[bonyhadi]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car, he sees that the man is very anxious
about something.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding -- but it's a matter
of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
=====================
Politics: A parrot that has swallowed a watch.
==========================================
The Top 13 Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed
(Part I)

13> He uses visualization techniques, but asks everyone to
visualize his funeral.

12> Tony Robbins: Ballroom at the Hilton
Your speaker: Men's room at the mall

11> His three-step motivational program consists of Valium,
Prozac and Zoloft.

10> His signature affirmation? "Ah, screw it."

9> "Everyone has the ability to make as much money as they want,
but first you have to get rid of that ***** of an ex-wife who
claims to need child support even though she now lives with a
power-stock broker in a house the size of Mount Rushmore."

8> Previous seminar topic: "10 Steps to a Better You"
Current seminar topic: "Who Gives a Rat's Ass?"

7> "Dammit, bartender, this glass is half empty again!"

6> During the break, she downs a dozen tequila shots and three
boxes of bon bons.

5> Spends half the seminar griping about how the zipper teeth
on his fanny pack have separated and his Fruit Roll-ups
keep falling out.

4> "These? These are tears of joy ... and ... and this is
a gun of happiness!"

3> Makes a noose out of the microphone cord while looking
upward for an exposed beam.

2> Invites participants to join him in licking hot coals.


and the Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...

1> "Okay, for our first exercise, you all will come up to the
podium and just KILL ME NOW!"

(Part II)

13> His seminar is titled, "Harnessing the Power of Self-Loathing."

12> Kicks things off by leading everyone in a group raspberry.

11> Keeps remarking how coffin-like the lectern is.

10> "Finishing last is okay -- as long as you don't make an utter
fool of yourself in the process. Trust me on this one, folks."

9> His wrists are bandaged and his suit has visible blood stains.

8> "The key to a happy and successful life? Don't marry a
soul-sucking, bank-account-draining minion of Satan."

7> "Think *inside* the box. The lined, wooden box. Or inside
the urn."

6> During the "fire walk," asks that you try not to disturb his
ex-wife's ashes.

5> Asks everyone in the audience to just stay in their seats
while he flips through his high school yearbook and sobs
softly.

4> Everybody gets a workshop kit consisting of a razor blade
and a fifth of Jack Daniel's.

3> After failing to catch you during a "trust fall," he replies,
"Welcome to the reality of life, pal."

2> Keeps reminding the audience that "can" is 50 percent of
"cancer."


and The Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...


1> "You can do it! You can make a difference! Well, good
for you, you smug bastards. I, on the other hand, am a
worthless loser."
==================
How You Undress Reveals Your Personality
(Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio)

Haphazard Undresser: If you throw your clothes all over the house,
you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with
your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others
think of you.

Meticulous Undresser: If you remove each piece of clothing and put
it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very
calm. You are comfortable with routine and you believe that
the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them
in the first place.

Socks and Shoes First Undresser: You are perfectionist, very shy,
observant, dependable, intense and think before making decisions.
You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration.
You know how to pay attention.

Slow Undresser: If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later,
get around to the pants, you are extremely self-confident,
intellectual, a deep thinker and don't like to be hassled.
Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

Fast Undresser: If you get out of your clothes as quickly as
possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect
from you but you're worried about your own needs. You are
family oriented and stay extremely busy.

Jewelry-Off-First Undresser: If you take off your rings, watch,
etc., before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive
and romantic.

Never The Same Way Undresser: If you never do it the same way
twice, you are a very curious, interesting person and you enjoy
a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and
adventure.
================================================== =========

[xlr8or]

Never under estimate the little old Lady....
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
right!) The bank president ! then asked her how much she
would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out
of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how
she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of
bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to
take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000
that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since
there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a
mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the
president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and
the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The
little old lady peered closely at his balls and ! then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank
of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[bonyhadi]

Black And White"

For older folks only - (Under 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV
set, "Good night, David; Good night, Chet."

Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman,
Jimmy & Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night-- Life looked better
in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives Good
guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too much fight, I wanna
go back to black and white

In God they trusted, in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their
vows. They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in
black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody
knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!










> HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
> Wine her,
> Dine her,
> Call her,
> Hug her,
> Support her,
> Hold her,
> Surprise her,
> Compliment her,
> Smile at her,
> Listen to her,
> Laugh with her,
> Cry with her,
> Romance her,
> Believe in her,
> Cuddle with her,
> Shop with her,
> Give her Jewelry,
> Buy her flowers,
> Hold her hand,
> Write love letters to her,
> Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
>
>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
> Show up naked,
> Bring food.
_________________










"Black And White"

For older folks only - (Under 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV
set, "Good night, David; Good night, Chet."

Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman,
Jimmy & Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night-- Life looked better
in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives Good
guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too much fight, I wanna
go back to black and white

In God they trusted, in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their
vows. They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in
black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody
knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!









10 reasons to go to work nakeds:-

*

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your
blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human
Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
ever again.

[bonyhadi]

> =============
>
> Updated accounting terms that they're teaching NOW in business schools:
>
> EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
>
> EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
>
> CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
>
> CFO: corporate fraud officer.
>
> NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
>
> FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
>
> P/E: parole entitlement.
>
> EPS: eventual prison sentence.
>
> BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
> himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
> wife gets no jewelery, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
>
> VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
> keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER - What my broker has made me.
>
> "BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step
off
> the plane and the disappearance of your money.
>
> STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
> between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs
to
> the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
>
> WINDOWS 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
> Yahoo @ $240 per share.
>
> YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
> share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a
> nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God
>

[bonyhadi]

> > Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food.
> > No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an old Jew
> > sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said "We're lost
and
> > running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food"?
> >
> > "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down the other
> > side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
> >
> > "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
> >
> > "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
> >
> > The leader goes back and tell his people that if nothing else,
> > they might be able to find food on the other side on the next ridge.
> >
> > "So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.
> >
> > "Oh, you know those Jews - they don't eat bacon."
> >
> > So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
> > Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader,
> > who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying
> > a "glassel tea."
> >
> > The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
> > We followed your instruction, but there was no bacon tree! There were
> > hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
> >
> > The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets
> out
> > an old English - Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
> >
> > "Gevalt,
> > I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
> > It vuz a ham bush."
> >

[bonyhadi]

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: Best one is last one

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE *****.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
-------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows everything.

[bonyhadi]

Subject: Woodpeckers

A Pennsylvania woodpecker and a Virginia woodpecker were arguing
about which state had the toughest trees. The Pennsylvania woodpecker
said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Virginia
woodpecker challenged him and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Pennsylvania woodpecker was in awe. The Virginia woodpecker then
challenged the Pennsylvania woodpecker to peck a tree in Virginia
that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Pennsylvania woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it
and accepted the challenge. After flying to Virginia, the
Pennsylvania woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Virginia
woodpecker was able to peck the Pennsylvania tree and the
Pennsylvania woodpecker
was able to peck the Virginia tree when neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[CobraDan]

1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
AND
*
*
*
5. To Hell with it

[bonyhadi]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on
the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the
lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't
believe this is true!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical, and said, "I think you are hallucinating and you
should come down right now." So the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his
friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed for their
island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But,
within a few minutes, out of the surf, comes walking this naked blonde woman. The two lawyers ran down to
greet her.

As they're running down the beach, the one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months
now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we'll get the opportunity to screw her ?"

The other lawyer glanced out the totally naked woman and asked. "Out of what?"










> Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
> > >
> > > We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
> > >
> > > How about achieving 103%.
> > >
> > > Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
> > >
> > > What makes life 100%?
> > >
> > > If:
> > > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z
> > > is represented as:
> > > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> > >
> > > Then,
> > > H A R D W O R K
> > > 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%
> > >
> > > K N O W L E D G E
> > > 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
> > >
> > > But,
> > >
> > > A T T I T U D E
> > > 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
> > >
> > > And,
> > >
> > > B U L L S H I T
> > > 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
> > >
> > > So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.
> > >
> > > And, look how far
> > > A S S K I S S I N G
> > > 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
> > > will take you.








His and Hers ATMs
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Reenter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Other Man
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private
investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the
information that he needed on the "other man."The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving
and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come
onto the scene. Being a man of this century and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be
sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.
So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent
fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The ubiquitous Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his Mom, "Do Blacks go to heaven with their
legs up in the air?"
His Mom replied, "Why do you ask such a thing?"
Little Johnny responded, "The maid is out in the garage with her legs up in the air screaming, 'Lawdy, lawdy
I'sa cummin'. and I think she would have if Daddy wasn't
holding her down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY- Men, women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying
about the size of their breasts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman strode angrily into the large general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed
her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What was the
problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to
tell me that ***** Treats are meant for cats?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years.
As Minnie grew older and less attractive, Max became disinterested, and his libido started to wane
dramatically.
In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor listened patiently to
Minnie's complaints and to Max's protestations.
Max said he was being nagged unmercifully.
Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.
Finally the marriage counselor issued a verdict. "Max," he said, "from now on, no matter how you feel, you
must give Minnie her conjugal rights at least
semiannually."
Minnie was delighted, and they left the counselor's chambers.
On the way downstairs, she nudged Max, asking, "Tell me, Max, how many times a week is semiannually?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KABUL (Reuters) - Up to 20 people were killed and more than 80 injured in a massive explosion on Friday at a
road construction organization near the eastern
Afghan city of Jalalabad, a local military commander said on Friday.
Haji Zaher said the explosion happened at the offices of the Afghan Construction and Logistics Unit (ACLU)
about six miles west of Jalalabad. Afghan media had
first described the construction unit as a non-governmental organization.
Dick Cheney was heard to reply: "You idiots! Not THAT ACLU!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek.
He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man
runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman out there with a golf ball, and she's unconscious!"
"Well, where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh, my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble
getting the women to take their birth control pills. They
decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely
had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as
he wore it his woman could not have another baby.
About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.
The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked
the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end
off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~






Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor one of the nation's
most distinguished men. It consists of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is also adding a new car to its line in honor of
former President Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production
in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because
he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's
finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly.

Revised (Clinton) judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know
it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think
you need to know."

[CobraDan]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[CobraDan]

1. Your a$$ is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work ... more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me.
35. No maxi-pads.
36. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. You almost never have strap problems in public.
42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
44. You don't have to shave below your neck.
45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
50. The world is your urinal.

[bonyhadi]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off
to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the
little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a
blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a
couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the
results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm
afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little
paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper
bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous
drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper
bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a
blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little
paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier."





















Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl,
and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to **** you! He's gonna try to
**** you!"

After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that ****
again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."

The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's
gonna try to **** you! He's gonna try to **** you!"

Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet.
He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so
she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.

She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm
gonna live! I'm gonna live!"

She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"

The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a
gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"









The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he
meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question
about what I have seen in America."
*
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do. The Saudi whispers "My
son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs.
He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
*
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the
future...."
*

[bonyhadi]

Public Service Message for Women, to better understand the Male
Animal.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the
thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I
lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'Cumin' or
'Tofu.' For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to
pick up anything for which 'feminine hygiene product' is a
euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once
the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask
someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - I
mean, how could he possibly know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either
sex or football, though I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk
to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I
have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget
to pick up something for my mommy, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.Chances are, if you're crying at
the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the
belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now
Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the '00s, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning,
and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

----------

This has been a Public Service Message for Women, to better understand the Male Animal.











The height of confidence is coming home at 3am, drunk and smelling of
perfume,
and then slapping your wife on the bum saying: "Youre Next!".

=================================================


There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary,

and those that don't.

=================================================

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several
nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife. "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...
fifty times"

[CobraDan]

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks for old times sake.
He finds a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back.

[Jamo]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns
to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies,"Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Wood replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green
or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his
voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $ 10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to
play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[Jamo]

AIRPLANES
>
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
> make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
> more entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or
> reported:
>
> ******
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
> attendant crew,
> the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude
> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
> your comfort and
> to
> Enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ******
>
> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
> take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
> make sure
> it's something we'd like to have."
>
> ******
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
> are only 4 ways
> out of this airplane."
>
> ******
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> hope you enjoyed
> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
> for a ride."
>
> ******
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> Washington National,
> a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
> fella. WHOA!"
>
> ******
>
> After a particularly rough landing during
> thunderstorms in Memphis,
> a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
> announced, "Please take care
> when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like
> that,
> sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> ******
>
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
> Southwest Flight
> XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
> tab into the
> buckle,
> And pull tight. It works just like every other seat
> belt; and, if you
> don't
> Know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
> in public
> unsupervised."
>
> ******
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
> masks will descend
> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
> pull it over your
> face. If
> You have a small child traveling with you, secure your
> mask before
> assisting
> With theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
> small child pick
> your
> favorite.
>
> ******
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
> broken clouds,
> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
> Thank you, and
> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
> Southwest
> Airlines."
>
> ******
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
> in the event of
> an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
> take them with
> our compliments."
>
> ******
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
> overhead area.
> Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
> before assisting
> children... Or other adults acting like children."
>
> ******
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
> your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
> the flight
> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> ******
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome
> message: "Delta airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
> the industry.
> Unfortunately,
> None of them are on this flight!"
>
> ******
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
> landing in Salt
> Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
> and said, "That was
>
> quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
> here to tell you
> it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
> fault, it wasn't
> the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>
> ******
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
> approach, the
> Captain was really having to fight it. After an
> extremely hard landing,
> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> welcome to Amarillo.
> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
> fastened while the
> Captain
> taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> ******
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
> perfect landing:
> "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
> bounces us to
> the terminal."
>
> ******
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
> flight he had
> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
> airline had a policy
> which required the first officer to stand at the door
> while the
> Passengers
> exited, smile, And give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
> airline." He said
> that,
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
> the passengers
> in
> the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment. Finally
> everyone
> had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
> with a cane. She
> said,
> "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
> said the pilot.
> "What is
> it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
> shot down?"
>
> ******

[bonyhadi]

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and
masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with
scissors stuck in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass.






-Idiot Story-
Just outside of Wichita, a 21-year old farm boy was driving a grain
harvester across his winter wheat field to collect the crop. This
particular piece of farm equipment has huge rotating blades that cut down
the wheat stalks. At some point during the harvesting, the driver's cowboy
hat was blown off by the wind and hurtled some distance in front of the
blades.

Thinking that the tractor was not moving fast enough to warrant stopping
-- or perhaps just not thinking at all -- he jumped down and ran in front
of the tractor to collect his hat. It was still being blown around by the
wind, and after chasing it for a bit, he finally caught up with it.
Meanwhile, the harvester had caught up with him, and his body was found
scattered across the wheat field.

Local authorities were contacted by a neighbor who noticed the tractor
crossing Highway 96 with no driver.
~~~~~~~~~~~




Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!
~~~~~~
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty the men strained their necks at her.
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
~~~~~~
It was down under the cherry tree,
the first time my girlfriend showed it to me.
It was hairy and black,
and it had a crack,
and it looked like a jungle to me

So I pulled out my hairy banana,
and I shoved it in the crack.
Then I heard a scream,
and I saw some cream...
so I pulled my banana back!
~~~~~~
There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"
~~~~~~
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.

A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
~~~~~~
There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.
~~~~~~
Penis, penis, you have no sense.
The way you act makes me so tense.
I see a hot honey, and you barely twitch,
But you stand straight up for some skanky *****!










THANK GOD


I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,
fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine. I take forty different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia,
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more. I can't
remember if I am 68 or 86 and....I've lost all my friends. But....thank
God, I still have my driver's license









SOME HANDY TIPS

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken
performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and
letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking
a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and
flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the
MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch
their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping
and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back
to sleep.










Life at the Brink
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I
remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And
somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"
.





-Idiot Story-
Desert marksmen aim their weapons at Saguaro cacti so frequently that
Arizona was forced to declare the "sport" a felony. Offenders risk a
$100,000 fine and three years in prison. But that doesn't stop
sharpshooters like 27-year-old David, who opened fire on a Saguaro in 1982
and was killed when it fell on him.

He reportedly fired two slugs from a 16-gauge shotgun at a 27-foot cactus,
and began to shout, "Timber!" He only had enough time to utter the first
syllable before a 23-foot section of the prickly plant fell and crushed him
beneath its spiky skin.