Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7
months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it...)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!!!)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing...)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-
handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this
research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? Now you know, bet you still don't care)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
(It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.... creepy people thinking of creepy things to do studies on)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is...Damn Pigs!

[CobraDan]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[bonyhadi]

"I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her
mate.
"Just so long as he leaves me enough!"
====================================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are
the hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll
give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in
one hand, I ain't the least bit interested!"
=================================
I was in my office last week, when a male coworker poked his head in
the door and asked if I was busy. I said no and invited him to come in
and close the door. "I need help," he said. "It's sort of private.

You see my wife and I are having some difficulty with sex."
He looked highly embarrassed.
"Well, I'll certainly be happy to try to help," I said, unsure exactly
what he might want me to do about it.
"You know, it's gotten so bad we've had to resort to S & M."
"You mean sadism and masochism?" I asked, incredulous.
"No, I mean she sleeps and I masturbate."
===========================
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2000
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature
===============================
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,
their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked
Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
=============================
Little Johnny's teacher was helping him put on his boots. He was really
struggling, so she began helping him push them on. The boots still
didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was
on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little Johnny said, "Teacher, they're on
the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
feet.

Little Johnny then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

Little Johnny then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"

Said Little Johnny "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
=============================
Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bull****
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT .....= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else
=========================
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
=======================

[bonyhadi]

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.

Q: Why do Africans wear Baggy pants?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: What tastes good on pie but not on *****?
A: Crust.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.

Q: What's green, and has 12 tits?
A: A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Q: Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.

Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina.

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: How can you pick an Italian air plane?
A: They're the ones with the hair under the wings.

Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.

Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't **** on you.

Q: What do white babies become when they die?
A: Angels.
Q: What do black babies become when they die?
A: Bats.

Q: Why did G-d create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could get laid too.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What is the difference between a fag and a freezer.
A: The freezer don't fart when you take the meat out!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two ******s with hemorrhoids.

Q: Why do they bury Aborigines 100 feet underground?
A: Because deep, deep down they're nice people.

Q: Why did the Pakistani trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
A: In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.

Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
A: Because there's nothing worth ****ting on.

Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart.

Q: What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
A: What time will your husband get home?

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
A: It's a soft job.

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.

Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do so much better."
Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a ******?
A: When he tells you that he &%(*$ you that night you passed out drunk on his couch!

Q: Why don't Italians eat flies?
A: They can't get their little legs apart.

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!

Q: Why won't Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu give
the Palestinian's their land back?
A: Because it's in his wife's name.

Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because they couldn't fit all that **** into a sneaker.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
A: The Blacks get car insurance.

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Q: Did you hear about the Irish Tap Dancer?
A: She fell into the sink.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad Shooter

Q: How do you get four ******s to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!

Q: What do you do if you see a Vietnamese drowning?
A: Throw in his wife and kids!

Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't &*%($& listen!

Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung

Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"

Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.

Q: Why aren't there any Indians on the starship enterprise?
A: Because they don't work in the future either.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
A: Shiite on a shingle.

Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cause he got there before the hare.

Q: What do you call a woman in the army?
A: A WAC.
Q: What do you call a black woman in the army?
A: A WACOON.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?
A: Her pet name is "Spot".

Q: What is green, two miles long and has an arsehole every two feet?
A: The St. Patrick's Day parade.

Q: Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market?
A: Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take **** from any asshole.

Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut her off.

Q: What was Adolf Hitler's favorite song?
A: "If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a kike!"

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Station Wagon?
A: Not only can it TURN on a dime, but it can pick one up.

Q: Why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re train them.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?
A: "You gonna eat that?"

Q: Did you know 70% of the ****** population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q: Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: What do you call an empty beer bottle in an Indian reserve?
A: An Indian artifact

Q: What do you call two ******s on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: What's the definition of a maniac?
A: An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.

Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection plate.

Q: What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.

Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Ever seen the mess a snail makes?


Q: What do you get when you cross a homo Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.

Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.

Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.

Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew.

Q: How do you confuse a Scientologist?
A: Hand him a personality test that has "see other side" written on both sides.

[bonyhadi]

Q: Which is the odd one out? TV, Fridge, Washing Machine, Woman.
A: The TV. The other three leak when they're ****ed!

Q: What's white, jelly-like and runs down a public toilet wall?
A: George Michaels' latest release.

Q: Did you hear that George Michael was found dead in his cell?
A: Apparently the cause of death was a massive stroke.

Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?
A: The Expos and the Yanks.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the Abo's to the tip.

Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

Q: How do you get a hippie to stop rolling joints?
A: Cut off his fingers.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman washing her fanny?
A: A nun has a soul full of hope.

Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the **** out of you.

Q: What did the Pollack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.

Q: How do ******s dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting

Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: They slide off.

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth ****.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: It's arsehole.

Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A: A kidney dialysis machine!

Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a quarter down the street.

Q: How can you pick an Irish pirate?
A: He wears a patch over both eyes.

Q: What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: So that they match the appliances.

Q: How do you spot a kiwi in a shoe shop
A: He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.

Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding?
A: Puffed rice.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!

Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.

Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
========


A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for

her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly
commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned
around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is
getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her
tires. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car
and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle.
==========================
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The
receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By
this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
==========================
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in
the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the
husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat.
Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick,
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife
and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold
shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied,"
You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little
weenie, do you?"
=======================

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental
image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more
then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one
gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal
underwear.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.
======================

What Was He?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
=========================
For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my
friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might
wish to adopt this regimen - three days a week or so.
I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand,
extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally,
100-lb. potato sacks. Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and
hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.
NEXT, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over do it at
this level.

[bonyhadi]

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"
John did, and didn't notice the"No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was
following his wife's directions.
He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
=====================
Linda: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.
Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.
Linda: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped into their seats.
=====================
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
===============================
Doug's barn burned down and his wife, Tammy, called the insurance company. Tammy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa, there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then
we'll provide you with another barn just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Tammy replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.
===================
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:
The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, Sir?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"
The Eyewitness: "Two televisions."
The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
====================
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences.
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table."You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course, I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
============================================
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the
bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When
he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.
He said, "That was the best, Honey. You've never moved like that before. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
========================
My friends Dick and Sandra, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to Dick,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.
Once again Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND
A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that Sandra turns to Dick and says,

"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
============================
New herbal remedies...

P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women.

Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
=========================
Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a
replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his
concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but
he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little
funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through
the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was
desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he
realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
=======================
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That
changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?
=================
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another
woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
===========================
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She
goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms
of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
=============
M & M Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add
these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate,
eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you
want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW
one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat
the WHOLE BAG!!!
======================

[bonyhadi]

A train hits a busload of schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past
St Peter.
St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have
you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I
fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front St Peter says, "Susan! What seems
to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it!"

[bonyhadi]

M & M Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add
these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate,
eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you
want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW
one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat
the WHOLE BAG!!!
=========================
'What your car says about you'

Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
*
Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
*
Acura NSX- I am impotent
*
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
*
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
*
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
*
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
*
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
*
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
*
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
*
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
*
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
*
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
*
Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
*
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
*
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
*
Ford Mustang- I slow down
=====================
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and
had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 39th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or
somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "We are the two
guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1958 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
===================

[bonyhadi]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
====================
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says,"I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts,
no heart, and no spine...and...the head and butt are interchangeable."
==============================================

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,
"Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but
not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other
peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed
limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who
sent you this list.
===================

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this,
and here's the way one old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my penis."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

He stated, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

The man replied, "I can't piss out of it."
=================================
HOW TO SATISFY . . .

How to satisfy a woman everytime. . .

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust,
dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch,
crazy-glue,
respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine,
wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all again.

How to satisfy a man everytime. . .

Blow job.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[bonyhadi]

THE SHIPWRECK

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert
island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night
for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put
his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After
that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and
they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of
romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a
walk?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MARRIED FOR MONEY

Cliff was stark naked in front of his open window, doing his morning exercises.

His wife entered the room and shouted, "Cliff, you damn fool, close those curtains! I don't want the neighbors to think
that I married you for your money!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea...

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy!!!
============================
What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?...
F*ck-f*ck-f*ck...... f*ck-f*ck-f*ck
==========================
REVENGE

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth
time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy
dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was
a complete, incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He
didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service.

She was so busy complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute later he
held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet." All
the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright red. The super was holding up a large yellow
banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new
bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
==================================
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor.

"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire
at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she
bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."

"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"

"How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
===============================

[CobraDan]

A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful - she remained young looking and vibrant.
After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
The woman said, "I guess that explains the goatee."

[bonyhadi]

Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR
.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of
progress?

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.

How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
=================================
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

"I only came to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
===========================================
The Seinfeld Sex Dictionary
Backed Up - Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take" - George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel - Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury - Faking it.
Shrinkage - Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie - To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short - Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch - Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap - Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
================================
TEN THINGS A MAN WILL NEVER SAY...
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7.While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
===========================
NOAH'S ARK IN 2002

If you ever had to deal with your local town, this is life in
2002!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine it is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, G-d delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah", He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking g-dless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has
seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years,"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." AMEN...
=================================================

[bonyhadi]

: WITH APOLOGIES TO SHAKESPEARE

Subject: Bushlet, Prince of Uhmurka
"Bushlet," Act 1

SCENE 1: CRAWFORD - A platform before the castle.

[FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO.]

BER.: Who's there?
FRA..: Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
BER.: Long live the Chief!
FRA..: Bernardo?
BER.: He.
FRA..: You come most carefully upon your hour.
BER.: Wracked with dreams was I, dreams of war.
FRA..: Marry, to be wracked with Iraq's attack at that!
BER.: Funny. What hear you of our attack? 'tis time?
FRA.: Nay, only this: that our sweet young prince
Doth stalk here nightly, his brow furrowed, as if
In semblance of thought. Far does he roam.
BER.: Aye, for he is in remarkable shape
For a man his age.
FRA.: So they say - Hssst! He comes!
BER.: We'll listen, and mayhap learn more of the coming storm.

[Enter BUSHLET, clad in doublet, hose, and a ten gallonne hat.]

BUSHLET:Oh, what a brogue and pissant shave am I!
BER. (whispered): 'tis inpenetrable! His words lack all sense!
FRA.: And yet in that nonsense, his sense does emerge.
BER.: 'Tis why we love him.

[Unseen, a GHOST appears behind Bushlet]

BUSHLET: To attack or not to attack, that is the question -
GHOST.: -Nay, 'tis not. Not the question. Not.
FRA. (whispered): 'Pon my life - 'tis his father, once King.
BUSHLET: Lo! What's this? Tis the ghost of my Father,
Cruelly slain, and now here reanimerated.
GHOST: Slain? Nay, son, I live. Feelin' good...
BUSHLET: Oh dear father - thine death shall be avenged!
GHOST: Nay, son, I am not dead I tell thee...
BUSHLET: Long shall be the struggle, but this evil-doer
Shall be brought low. Much avengeration
Shall I have 'pon the head of Saddam.
GHOST: Saddam. Tis he who I come to speak of with thee.
BUSHLET: Speak, dear shade! What has roused thee from thy grave?
GHOST: Whatever. Listen, son. Time to listen. Now.
Thou dost fritter away thy days in indecision.
Now waiting, now preparing thine attacks.
Thy sabre rattles, and yet stays sheathed withal.
BUSHLET: Tis a defective sabre. I can't find the trigger.
GHOST: Listen! I come here to beseech thee -
Thou must not yet make war upon Saddam.
BUSHLET: What? But you did, oh saucy hippocrat.
GHOST: Yes, but you have not yet prepared.
Haven't built thine international coalition.
Shouldn't attack, then. Wouldn't be prudent.
BUSHLET: Fie upon coalitions! Those fancy-pantses
With their extra languages and their "hot cuisinarts..."
They listen to me not. **** 'em. Fie!
GHOST: 'Tis my very point. Thou must make
Them attend. Persuasion. Ne-go-tiation.
BUSHLET: Nay, I will heed you not, old ghost!
For thine words do confuse me. But I am clear
In my purpose - to do what thou couldst not
And bring down the evil-doer in thine name.
GHOST: Not a great plan. Got to think. Prudence-
BUSHLET: Nay, begone, ghost, and to thy rest!
GHOST: Really, I am far from dead, my boy.
BUSHLET: To thy rest!

[the GHOST exits, grumbling]

BUSHLET: Would that he had lived.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
The sun wilt come out tomorrow, come what may.
And then shall I give the signal, and let loose
The dogs of war! Probably. Pretty sure now...
Hey! What ho! A firefly! C'mere, thou rogue!

[BUSHLET wanders off, chasing the firefly.]

BER.: And so we learn that nothing is to be learned.
FRA.: Aye, 'tis a walking riddle that prances yonder
Fixed on that fly, heedless of the pond he approacheth...

[Pause. A loud SPLASH is heard anon.]

BER.: Come, sweet Francisco, a beer will I buy thee.
FRA.: Aye, thou hast it! Or perchance a hard lemonade.
Lead on, Bernardo! Let kings to their businesses,
And us to ours.
==============================
4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage > > > >

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and
cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and
show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
make love with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.
===========================

[bonyhadi]

In the garden of Eden

In the garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes. In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's. As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away. At the sight,
Adam did stare.
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair. And wonder came
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing
Started to rise. They found a spot
That suited them best.
A nice big tree
Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill
Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control. Backward and forward,
His thing did slide.
And Eve's treasure
Was all wet inside. The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose.
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice. Then down through the years,
People did screw.
And now it is time,
For me and you. So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that Ass!
=================

Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world; it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
======================================
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible? They achieved simultaneous headaches.
======================================
New Sexual Terms:
_*Splintercourse*_: The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the MileMarker
189 Rest Stop.")

_*POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematurely ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has
returned.(POTUS = President of the United States.)

_*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?")

_*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.

_*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."

_*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of
Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")

_*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two
same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (thecheese).

_*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man's wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question..
=========================
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
=======================================
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine
your date, and then stick her with the bill.
=====================================
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2002
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature
============================
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his
friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a
deep depression."
======================
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
===========================
GOVERNMENT WARNING:
Eating female's organ is dangerous to your health because its 5% urine, 3% acidic, 2% fat & 90% addictive. Hehehe. Eat moderately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in was found to have almost $2,150 hidden in her vagina when she was busted for a phony prescription. As the story spread, local banks refused to
accept the money, considering it to be contaminated. One bank was finally convinced to take the money for deposit when it was brought in wrapped in plastic.

Someone must have fingered her...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pres. Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Chelsea's room.

She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House.

Maid: Yes, Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.
=======================

[bonyhadi]

20 Reasons why a Woman should call it a night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling, while yelling woo-hoo, is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. Jack in the Box taco on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen (or bathroom) floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way....."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly jeans to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom, away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight!
================================================== ======
Charlie was a young and foolish pilot and wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?
===========================================
Rednecks - You're A Redneck When... 2002 Edition

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

our property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
in jail.

You never wear a Motorcycle Helmet, even though you've already bashed
your head once or twice.

Your lifetime goal is to own an illegal fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher (or scrubber).

You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take
them out to see what it is.
==========================
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

"Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this.....How do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English,
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Psssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably
can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to
kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..

WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
=========================

[CobraDan]

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!


Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[bonyhadi]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts
dialing numbers like a telephone but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his
hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says, "you don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a
phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular."
The bartender says, "prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands
his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and
carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," he says, "I would never have believed it."
"yeah" said the man, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The man goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst and given the violence in the neighborhood, the
bartender goes to check on him.
The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall. His pants
are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear.
"Oh no!" said the bartender, "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The man casually turns around and says, "no, I'm just waiting for a
fax."
================================
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your caboose and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism,

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
=======================================
The Fart Poem


At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
=========================================
Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.A.:

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was percolating, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job
in.....AMERICA.....
================================
A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam. He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly
to cover his embarrassment.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was..... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!"
================================
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession
to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.
But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief
physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but
I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching
powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's
brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in
intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers,
Horatio told the King that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only
to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.
Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion
into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found
Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession
now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and
shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur
summoned Michael the Dragon Master...
===================
Q: Seven qualities in a perfect woman....
A: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful n
Self-organised. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S.!!

Q: What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
A: **** you and your law of gravity. I am going up!!

Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A: Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock.
===========================

[bonyhadi]

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs
90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up
phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and VIAGRA than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember
what to do with them.
-----------
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from

his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not

necessarily those of his parents."
---------------

[CobraDan]

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the
scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious
BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so
worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was
ripped off!"

The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Oh ****! Lost my Rolex too???!!!"

[bonyhadi]

"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little ***** never hurt anyone,"
=====================
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' ".
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and
so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damned thing!!!
==============
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and
wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash
up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
================================================== ====================
The old rules (baseball sex terms)
1st base= Kissing
2nd base= Tongue kissing
3rd base= Hands down partners pants
Home run= Sex

Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)
On deck= Having plans for a date
Strike out= Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up
Walk= Kissing
Bunt= Masturbation
Single= tongue kissing
Double= Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feeling
Triple= Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual
masturbation
Inside the park home run= Oral sex
Home run= Sex
Ground out double= Would have sex, no condom
Relief pitcher= Vibrator
Error= condom breaking during sex
Banned for life for gambling= Having sex with out a condom
Hall of fame= Marriage
Rain delay= Parents/Room mate come home early
Box seats= Water bed
Seventh ining stretch= Unusual positions
Rookie= Virgin
Minor leagues= Under 18
Grand slam= Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.
==================================
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and
I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
=======================
Why did the blonde have a bruised and stretched belly button?
Her boyfriend is blonde.
======================
A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He dosen't know if he's
going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his
son's sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out
of nowhere a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down & blows him without
saying a word.

The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son! I love this
place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!".

The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happenened?"

The old man says, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a
hard on & the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen came into my room and
blew me. Didn't say a word, just blew me."

"Well that sounds great dad, congratulations."

Later that day the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He
slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to
him, rips his pants off, screws him and leaves him there in a heap.

The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son you've got to get

me out of here, this place is nuts!"

"What happend pop you sound terrible!"

"Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and I couldn't get
up.
Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down and
screwed me!"

"Well ya know dad you got a blowjob this morning, You gotta take the
good with the bad..."

"No, you don't understand, Son!"

"I only get a hard on once a month! I fall down three-four times a
day!"
===========================
The Creation Of *****

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit. Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without. Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
==================================Breast Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is not quite true, there is one (or should I say 2) other things:
"1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form"
Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order. Please
refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
============================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
===========================
I meet a hot babe last night, she undid my fly and started playing with my dick!

I said "you handle that well" she said "I should; I used to have one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man.

One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who appeared to be great, so she figured, what the crap, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the
fellow to come home with her.



When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the black about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it.

The black man agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom.
Mary said, "OK, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the black guy did so.



By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy and said, "Now, big boy, do what you black boys do best!"

So the black guy beat her up, took up her VCR, and left.
=========================

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the
first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to
reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She
takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently
in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then
shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you
going crazy."
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a
rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more
curious says,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."


==============================