Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT. . .

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that Peter Pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hickory dickory dock
Some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the ***** on the next block.
=============================
Someone suggested we should rebuild the Towers with the names Freedom and Unity, and
let the terrorists figure out what the initials stand for."
================================
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm
disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
================================
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the
doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.

She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't
believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said,
"Please help me! This itch is killing me and I know
that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"

The doctor checks her out and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that
you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
===============================
I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We
had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting
along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to
her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded
me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not
before we arranged to see each other the following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front
door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?

She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the
compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that
they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
===============================
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton
appeared on the television. After a few sips, he
looked up at the television and mumbled:

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him,and decked him. A
few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the
television. "She's a horse's ass too."

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,walked over to him, and
knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.

"This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
===============================
So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
They discover her first lay
Was not Tom, Dick ,or Harry, but, Glenda
================================

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him,
until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl,
he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.
He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to
ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined
the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take
an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings,"
he said gravely,
"but they all tell us the same thing.
The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles

hanging in front of your eyes."
================================================== ==
Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew
for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee.

Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in
the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos
of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of
these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he
remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch
and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you
got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never
remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the
neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can
I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"
=================================

[bonyhadi]

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been? “

“I was out getting a tattoo.â€*

“A tattoo?â€*

“What kind of tattoo did you get?"

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.â€*

“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your
penis?â€*

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . .

Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . .

Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . . And lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want ! ! !â€*
==============================
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive
to the Pocono's and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple,
clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip
around by their window and see what they are doing. Maybe we can get some ideas to spice
up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay.
They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young
man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing
doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they
rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting
wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and
Lifesavers!"
===========================
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and
falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a
year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he
staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get
upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he
rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the
wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her
legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
=======================================
Mathematics of sex:

Add a bed;
Subtract your clothes;
Divide your legs;
And Pray to G-d you don't Multiply!
-=============================
Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began
walking uprightâ€| to free up their hands for
masturbation.
========================
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
===========================
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression,
mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to
get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he
asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at
her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her
standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit except that he has an
erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences.
=====================================

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says,
"Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
=================================================
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. When the man realizes
that he can't find the rake, he yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

Because of the water running, she can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

Deciding to use gestures, the man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally
makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and begins to send signals back. First, she points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, finally she points at
her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes
upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell
was that?"

While repeating the gestures, she verbally explains "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE
BUSH"
=======================================

[bonyhadi]

WHICH FART ARE YOU

ART FART
It's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART
When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSAULT FART
A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART
You can't control the blow out.

BEER FARTS
These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART
Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART
Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART
You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART
When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART
When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART
When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART
You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART
You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART
A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART
When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give
a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART
When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which Condom Would You Use?

Nike Condoms: Just Do It!

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby!

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!

Ford Condoms: The best never rest!

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock!

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know!

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever!

KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! !

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing!

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one!

Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone!

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper!

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going....!

M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border!

MCI Condoms: For friends and family!

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
=====================================

The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted :
1. I be G-d. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sign on the escalator door read, "This escalator is out of whack." By the next day someone used a crayon to add "More whack is on order."
=======================================
The madam of a whorehouse is having a great year for business, so she
decides to divide her reception area in half so she'll have another
bedroom.

She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and when
he's finished, he says, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss."

She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all
her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide apart. She says
with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to
take it out in trade."

He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in her
asshole and his thumb in her ***** and says, "All right, lady, give me
my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition!"
~~~THE PENIS POEM~~~

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
>From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoe.

~~~HALFWAY~~~

The mother catches her kid masturbating and warns him:

"Futh, you're gonna go BLIND if you keep touching yourself."

And the kid answers, "Well, can I just do it, then, until I need
glasses
=====================

[bonyhadi]

Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that
they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says,
"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for
two weeks on vacation,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a New Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money
and we don't have nay material possessions.
However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that
thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, It's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in
Philadelphia for two weeks."
The second one says,
"Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes.
He bought me a Honda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make.
Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
=====================
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry
a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
================================================== ====================
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out
a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns
to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the
room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
================================================== ====================
THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....
a truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......
================================================== ====================
Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw
their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be
finished?"
==============================
An irate guy stormed into a drug store looking like he'd just been
dragged out of a river. Clutching a rumpled box of sanitary napkins he
says to the clerk, "S.O.B.! I'm gonna sue your ass for selling me this
bull****!" "What are you talking about?" asks the startled clerk.
"Look here," says the guy, pointing to the wrinkled box, eyes popping
with rage.
"It says, 'You can swim while wearing these.' "Don't it say that?
Well, S.O.B., that's a gotdam lie! I had six of these bull**** things
tied 'round me and I damn near drowned!"
====================================
Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from jury duty?
They all insist that they're the guilty ones.
==================================

[bonyhadi]

A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you
have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?"

The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch
wanker."

The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?"

The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average."
=================================
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.
==================================
Blonde Moments!

One family was visiting another in a different state. The little boy
who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided to go
swimming in a near by stream. Not having thier swim suits with them,
they decided to "skinny dip".
After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the bank.
The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference and said,
"Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between Catholics and
Jews!"
================================================== ====================
She was only the...

Janitor's daughter, and she was often swept off her feet.

Jockey's Daughter, But All The Horse Manure.

Junkie's Daughter But Her Crack Was The Best In Town.

Lighthouse Keeper's Daughter, But She Never Went Out At Night.

Magistrates Daughter, But She Knew What To Do On The Bench.

Mason's daughter, but she got laid up and down the block.

Mechanic's daughter, But she was awfully auto-erotic.

Meter-Reader's Daughter But She Liked A Copper In Her Slot.

Milkman's Daughter, But She Was Cream Of The Crop.

Moonshiner's Daughter, But I Love Her Still.

Musician's Daughter, But She Knew All The Bars In Town.
================================================== ===========
A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to
transplants and artificial body parts.

"They 'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bull****!" replied the husband, "There are something's you can't make
besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be
able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching
porno videos for years !"
======================

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have
made up your mind!"The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog,
BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all ****ty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
===================================
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ira knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"

She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."

[bonyhadi]

ra knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"

She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."

So he shot her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go pee."
The other said, "I do to. Pee for me while you are in there."
The guy says, "ok"
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor.
The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?"
"If you had told me you had to ****, I would have pulled down my pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My doctor says the insomnia I suffer from is caused by my drinking late at night. So I've decided to start drinking earlier in the day.
=========================
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back
to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice.
She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because
she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms
his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"
She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"
==============================
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the
owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the
same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him
for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel
terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing
water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright.
But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for
a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all
wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on
her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while
they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the
middle".

The old woman fainted.

~~~BEING DRAFTED~~~

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military
base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun
seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted
and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied,
"No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything
was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of
legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of
balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"~~~LIKE MICROSOFT~~~

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00
============================
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten
years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy
and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, on Man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks
him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years,"
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says "WOW, that's
absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And
how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!"
===================
WORMS :
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex......you won''t get worms.
======================
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if G-d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will
answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
G-d, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound
sign.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait
until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend, to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are
calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
=====================================

[CobraDan]

. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid
is."
----------------------------------------------
2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the
widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover rather than the big **** he always was."
----------------------------------------------
3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000 . .please advise. The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl
and re-bait the trap.

------------------------------------------------------
4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten
more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
------------------------------------------------------
5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and
then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
-----------------------------------------------------
6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think
of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me
what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
================================================== ====

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh well,
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then
something is supposed to happen . . . I think. (Maybe you get your memory
back.)

[CobraDan]

As an Atheist walked through the forest, he looked at the beauty
around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear came bounding toward him. The man took off like a shot and when he turned he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze The forest was silent Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out! The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest
resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."

[bonyhadi]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask G-d for help. She begins to pray... "G-d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "G-d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My G-d, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me
win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde
is overwhelmed by the Voice of G-d Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
========================================
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You
have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, box of Grape nuts
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is supposed to be used for."
===================================
Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was taking
a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"
She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the
bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked,
"Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "That's my squirrel."
Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as gray
as yours." Grandma replied,
"Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"
==============================================
Which Video to Buy
For sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video -
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and
subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bull**** artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same
thing.
====================
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man
in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's
right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green
and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately
to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done
and he picks up his car and drives all over
town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road
so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it,
but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
===========================
A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband
groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"

She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. she said, "They had BIG ones there that were
12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars." She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long
ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.

The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"

She says,"Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."

He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing.

The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing about?"

He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a ***** auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were
selling for $50,000 dollars."He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going
for $42,000 dollars.

The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine?"

He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
================================
Q: How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist.
---------------------------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex,
reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex,

reach over and pull on my penis.....fifty times"
================================================== ===
SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife or Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~~~THE PENIS POEM~~~

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
>From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoe.
==============================

[CobraDan]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided
to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,
she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[bonyhadi]

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on
TV.
Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

John thinks for a second and replies, "Sure, why not!"

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, "What
you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your
pants, bend over and fart for the extra point!"

"Piece of cake, let's do it!" John replies.

"I'll go first," shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls
down his pants, bends over and farts for the extra point. "Seven zip,
your turn!" he says to John.

John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for

6 points, then pulls down his pants and bends over for the extra point.


Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and rams it into John
ass and shouts, "BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!"
=========================
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she
asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of
the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
==================================
When someone asks how you are, tell them "FINE"!
****ed up
Insecure
Neurotic &
Emotional
==============================
What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
Bisexual.
======================
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My G-d, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that

he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"
==============
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to come.
=======================================
Blonde Revenge!

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
Has the blonde left yet?

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
=========================
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A 747?
NOT EVERYONE HAS BEEN ON A 747 !
========
Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies?
He had to his wife kept getting pregnant
===============================
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."
==========================
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
=================================
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton!


Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
================================================

[bonyhadi]

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on
TV.
Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

John thinks for a second and replies, "Sure, why not!"

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, "What
you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your
pants, bend over and fart for the extra point!"

"Piece of cake, let's do it!" John replies.

"I'll go first," shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls
down his pants, bends over and farts for the extra point. "Seven zip,
your turn!" he says to John.

John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for

6 points, then pulls down his pants and bends over for the extra point.


Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and rams it into John
ass and shouts, "BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!"
=========================
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she
asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of
the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
==================================
When someone asks how you are, tell them "FINE"!
****ed up
Insecure
Neurotic &
Emotional
==============================
What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
Bisexual.
======================
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My G-d, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that

he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"
==============
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to come.
=======================================
Blonde Revenge!

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
Has the blonde left yet?

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
=========================
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A 747?
NOT EVERYONE HAS BEEN ON A 747 !
========
Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies?
He had to his wife kept getting pregnant
===============================
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."
==========================
PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
ARIES: Dear G-d, please give me patience ... and could you do it right now?
TAURUS: Dear G-d, help me accept change, but let's do it my way.
GEMINI: Dear G-d! Who is G-d? Where is G-d? Why is G-d?
CANCER: Dear G-d!!!
LEO: Yes? Hello G-d...are you listening to me ?
VIRGO: Dear G-d, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.
LIBRA: Dear G-d, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN: Dear G-d! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS: Dear G-d, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
================================
This truckie is cruising down the highway when he picks up some slut hitch-hiking...

He just gets rolling again and she says " pull over will ya, I need a piss"

"**** that!" he says, "I just got 'er into top gear, you'll have to piss out the window".

So she winds down the window and sticks her ass out and starts pissin'.

Just as she's doing it, these two bikies go past and she sprays piss all over them.

A few minutes later the bikies stop for some gas, and one of them says to his mate,.
"****in' hell,.. those truckies sure can spit!"
and the other guy says,.."little wonder did you see the size of the lips on the bastard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's better to have sex with women over fifty because, they don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, and they are grateful as hell!!
==================================
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq...
Ruled by a dick.
==========================
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me friggin alone."
====================

[bonyhadi]

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during
their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust
their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they
would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This
went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with a respiratory infection went to the doctor to get a course of antibiotics.
The shots & pills killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these
three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their
survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I
don't think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't
think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15
pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."
==============================
What young people can learn from watching porn

1. Women very often wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted while masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with fear or embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy during sex.

11. People in the 70s couldn't have sex unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

12. Those breasts are common and are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

16. Many woman enjoy and seek double penetration. 7. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash you if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's no reason or excuse (plot) needed to justify the gratuitous sex scenes.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a slaps on the butt.

21. Nurses desire to give oral sex to their patients.

22. Men always pull out, in order to shower their love on the partner.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before taking on the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches...or periods, and are always ready.

25. When a woman is giving her partner oral sex, it's important for him to talk
dirty and insultingly to her.

26. Women like anal sex, and no one ever talks about being clean or unwanted consequences.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a penis in there.

29. Men don't have to beg or pay much attention to foreplay

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

31. The most common sexual positions are ones which would show the most to a camera.

32. Women like to switch partners during sex, and all women are bi-sexual and like to do anything with anybody.

33. Make up your own.
===========================

[CobraDan]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work. As she got to one little
girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing
God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking
up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."



An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her
parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but
three girls helped me catch him."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every
time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation
for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"



A three-year-old went with his dad to see a
litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother that there were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his
mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the
bottom."



The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grownup
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation
of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into
my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't
empty."

[CobraDan]

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"

[CobraDan]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about birth pain. How much will child birth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"ike ish?"
"No. A little more..."
"hike ish oowww?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"Ummmha yahhh ooww."
"Now stretch your lip over your head!"

[CobraDan]

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan all them
kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I
want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He
treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for
three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my
name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

[CobraDan]

MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED:

EBIT -- earnings before irregularities and tampering.

CEO -- chief embezzlement officer.

CFO -- corporate fraud officer.

NAV -- normal Anderson valuation.

P/E -- parole entitlement.

EPS -- eventual prison sentence.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement
causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when
the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry,
and the husband gets no sex.

------------------------

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

------------------------

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA,
sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the
professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs.
Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this
very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington
made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

[CobraDan]

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."