Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I
have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said:
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
===========================================
Viagara is now available in liquid form.
FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagara,
in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name
"Mydixadrill."
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.
======================================
John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his
wife.
He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"
John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
silence?"
=====================================
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you
wore me I'd be cumming on you too.
==========================================
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand
onto her *****. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does
without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she
says.
So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she
says,
"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire
hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of
me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands",
commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says, "See, I told you I had a tight *****!".
=============================
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
=======================================

There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The
first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and
barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever pissed."

The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car
right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I
came out this morning to go to work."

The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home
last night and I blew chunks."

The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place."

The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
============================
Ode To Big Boobs

I love to suck a great big tit
Inch by inch, bit by bit
I love to see her big breasts bare
They make my cum fly through the air!!
Oh goodness gracious! what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs
Their great to lick and suck, not to mention titty-futz!!
They say that having such big boobs
Are really just a waste
But it takes more than just a mouthful
To get the greatest taste!!
===========================

Ben wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla perched in a tree near his
bedroom window. Shocked, he calls the local animal control officer who
transfers his call to an exotic animal specialist.
Ben explains the situation, and the specialist asks,
"Is the gorilla male or female?"
"A male, I think," says Ben.
"Okay, I'll be right over to take care of him," the specialist says.
A few minutes later, the specialist arrives with a Chihuahua, a club,
handcuffs and a shotgun.
The specialist explains his plan to Ben: "I'll climb up to the gorilla
and knock him out of the tree with the club. When the gorilla hits the
ground, the Chihuahua will run over and try to bite him in the crotch.
The gorilla will then cross his hands over his vitals to cover them.
That's your cue to slap the cuffs on him. Got it?"
"Sure. But what's the shotgun for?" Ben asks.

"If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree,
use it to shoot the Chihuahua!"
===================
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant.
After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check.
To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say,
"I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

[CobraDan]

A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Canadian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says, "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

[CobraDan]

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?"inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.
Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army typelifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

[Hotfingrs]

I recently picked a new primary care physician.
> > After two visits and
> > exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
> > well" for my age.
> > A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
> > resist asking him,
> > "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
> > He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
> > beer?"
> > "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
> > Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
> > bar-b-qued ribs?
> > I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very
> > unhealthy!"
> > "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
> > playing golf?" he asked.
> > "No I don't," I said.
> > He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool
> > around with sexy
> > women(men)?",
> > "No," I said, "I've never done any of those
> > things."
> > He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you
> > want to live to be 80??"
>

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: stupid hints
> >
> >
> >Stupid Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
> >pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is
> >almost instantly removed.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #2 Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> >someone else to hold them while you chop away Stupid Hint #3 Don't buy
> >expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of
> >frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
> >makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #5 An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
> >a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
> >seat by simply pissing in the sink.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
> >bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #8 A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
> >prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
> >

[Hotfingrs]

Q. What is the purpose of the male body?

A. A life support system for a penis.

Thought for the Day: After a certain age, if you don't wake up
aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Q. What's the only thing divorce proves?

A. Whose mother was right in the first place

Thought for the Day: There is no woman you don't want to have sex
with, just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a little like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

Golf IS the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you end up praying a
lot

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy; My wife is furious.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's
only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as everyone else, they
should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit
smoking kill people.

[bonyhadi]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could
****, he could fly."
==================================

There is a new study out about women. I thought
these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.......

10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him and would have married him anyway.


================================
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
=====================================
Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to
try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into
three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder
which one has the calorie?"
================================================== ====================
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.

Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
================================================== ====================
Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a ****?"

Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating
it."

Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a
****?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a
eating it, it's-a so good."

Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay
so slim-a and-a trim-a."

Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a *****."

Poppa says, "*****? *****, that's-a taste like ****!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

[bonyhadi]

True But Strange Sex Facts

Largest erect penis: 13" Smallest erect: 1.75"

The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight the end of their penises to enlongate them sometimes to such a degree that the men
literally have to knot them up.

In 1609 a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with 2 penises. Since then, there have been 80 documented cases of men w/
the same.

During foreplay, a woman's breast can increase in up to 25%.

The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2".

In the 1950s, it was found out that 75% of men cum within 2 minutes of penetration, with the orgasm lasting no longer than a few
seconds. The longest documented for a women is one minute.

Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18 year old couples make love an average of 3 times a night, every night, until they're in their 30s,
when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

The maximum speed at which the erotic sensations travel from the skin to the brain has been clocked 156 MPH.

Women are 30% more sexually active during a full moon, and the most common love making time in the US is 11:00pm.

Intercourse peaks in July.

Except for the 1/2 dozen men who've shown up in emergency rooms over the years because they got too intimate with a vacuum cleaner,
women are the more creative auto-eroticists, and they masturbate most frequently when in a stable relationship. Women are also better
self-starters. 60% claiming to have discovered orgasm on their own, as opposed to only 25% of men.

Castrated men live an average of 13 years longer than those not castrated. And nuns live longest of all.
================================================== ===========A couple got married, where the groom was 91 and the bride was
23. The groom looked pretty feeble and had the feeling that the
wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy,
vivacious young woman.

But, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop
in the hotel where their honeymoon happened.
The clerk looked really concerned,
"What happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh G-d! He told me he'd been saving up for 72 years,
and I thought he meant his money."
=====================

Blue Smile Gag
http://www.goofyfun.com/1/bluesmile.htm

(LOL Very Cute Hun!)
======================================

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married, settled down in their old neighborhood and were celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the old desk they had shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home,
an armored car passes by and a bag of money falls practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do
with it so they take it home. When they arrive home she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've
got to give it back."

Sally says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men who are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home. They say,
"Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agent looks at his partner and says, "We're done. Let's go."
================================================

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After
the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure,
haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to
buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be
back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten
all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"

===============================================
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating *****?
At least when you're eating ***** you can see the asshole in front
of you.
===================================
Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.

The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"

The second replies, "He's got to focus."

"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."
======================================
What's black & white and tells the pope to **** OFF?
A nun that's just won the lottery.

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to
come.
====================================
The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress. The girl agrees,
and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane. He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her
dress. She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the
back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"
===============================
SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
==========================================
Two weeks ago, after giving my lover the best analingus he ever had, he gasped how wonderful it was and that he came so hard he felt
some pain.

Six hours later, he called me from the emergency ward. Turns out that during that incredible orgasm, the pain he felt was the pull of a
groin muscle and one of his testicles had swollen to the size of a small orange.
He was out of work for two days and, only three days ago, was able to put away the cane he needed to walk with.
Today he told me he is still unable to masturbate, but he's still quite proud that I'm the only woman who has ever given him a sex injury.
==============================================
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and
muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on
the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?".
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?".
"Yes.", was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".
============================

[bonyhadi]

Bob goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out
and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
Bob farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
Bob thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells,
"Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
====================================
A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more
commonly known as a trip around the world. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a
new television
drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained,
"Damn it, man, argue on your own time!" The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!"

And then he turned to the girl. "And you... you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
-------------------------------------
A blonde walks up to a guy on the beach in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
===============================
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34
cats."
================================================== ==
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher
raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed
adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
===========================================
Used to be, if someone was weaving all over the road, he was drunk.
Now, he is probably just on the cell phone.
===================================
Marketing

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to
her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".

That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your
friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great
in bed, how about it?".

That's ADVERTISING.

You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over
and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"

Now, that's THE POWER OF BRANDING!
=====================================
Q. What did the blonde say while watching the porn movie?
A. "There I am!"
-------------------------------
Pleasing

A man and his new bride took great pride in never having had illicit sex
with each other prior to their wedding. In fact, they had never even
seen each other naked until that day.

As the woman was getting undressed, the man stood and watched, enjoying
the sight for the first time. As the woman stood naked in her glory, she
told him that it was now his turn. Slowly he removed his tie, and shirt.

Then he took of his trousers and socks. Finally, he lowered his boxers.

The woman, staring in shock, could not believe how tiny he was.

"Just whom are you supposed to please with that little thing?" she
cried.

The man smiled and proudly replied, "Me!"
====================
Bob: Did you ever have a pet name for your ex?
Jim: Hmmm! Does "Asshole" count?
********************************************
Q. What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
A. They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
======================================
"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the headwaiter, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up.
"I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Johnson came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Johnson."

"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..." Written just below it "I do not"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me!
Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How women could want sex less often than Oreos, right there and then, shows why our society is in such a state of disarray and chaos. Frankly I personally find it
disgusting.
How normally fine , moral women, turn into sleazy cream craving lunatics is beyond me. What makes them crave the Oreo so much??? Well Duh, they are better
than men.
What makes them better than men???

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
=====================================
What It Really Means

Most bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always
willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom
they describe as "perfect for you."

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine
what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as
a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these
descriptive phrases into plain English:

Dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses.

Fine character:
She's ugly.

Knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours.

Spotless reputation:
She's ugly.

Strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess.

Loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband.

Wonderful personality:
She's fat.

Great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say.

The outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys.

Ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry.

Likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot.

Lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself.

Mature woman:
She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five.

Has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager.

Casual:
She dresses like a slob.

Decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty.

A great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes.

Not overly emotional:
She cries only twenty-seven times a day.

Doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type.

Seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something.

Understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times.

A good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.

Looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds.

Been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star.

Traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband.

Knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her.

Wonderful disposition:
She's ugly.
=========================

[CobraDan]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[CobraDan]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."

[bonyhadi]

The Jewish Parrot


Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful
would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
"Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin') "Yeah, du." (Yeah,you.)

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.

The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did.

An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak
Yiddish?) In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried
the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to
America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About
his years of working in the garment district.

About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The
parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know
what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and had a
miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (say prayers), and
learned every prayer.

He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot,
teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot
demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (synagogue) was not place for a bird, but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi
and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced
them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not
speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and
song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder
and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi
over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple
the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I
had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah.
And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

[Hotfingrs]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well, she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then
he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

The father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with a newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the **** out of him
--

[bonyhadi]

Cold water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state in which he lived. After spending the night, his
grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather: "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yolks ...so he asked again: "Are
you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says: "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop
being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and
would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog
won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the TV screen he had his eyes glued
to, his Grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way."

[bonyhadi]

================================================
We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and a winning smile for integrity!
===================================
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen
drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?".
===========================================
Types Of Women You Meet In The Powder Room

Indifferent
Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties
aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing
breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like
a bucket of water being poured from a third story window.

Cautious
Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that
she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Worried
A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on
fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet
before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting
to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited
Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls
high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be
compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy
Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over
seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.

Timid
Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly,
flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends
up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed
Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor.
Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box
of Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous
Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary
Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames
"Forever Amber" for her piles.

Big Time
Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other
girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with
black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has
never been to bed with a man.

Drunk
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress.
Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy
little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that
she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.
==================================================
In Need Of Assistance

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance ?" asked the
medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife.
She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic
replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which
doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life
threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it
off? It's interfering with the TV."
=================================
Euphemisms For Impotence

1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Doled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork
==============================

A man in his 40's goes in for a physical.
The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only
get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for
the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan
your use of them accordingly."

The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering
his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her,
"Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."
She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections,
and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list
and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill
our desires, and make the most out of each one,
what in the world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it.."
===============================
A woman goes into her accountants office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you
some questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number etc.
And then asks "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "NO, no. no, That'll never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman "Okay, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that's still too crude, Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm a chicken farmer"

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year !"
============================

[Hotfingrs]

>Subject: The suit
> >
> >
> >When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand
> >was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he
> >had some very good news for him.
> >
> >"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
> >suit we've had so long!"
> >
> >"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
> >manager asked.
> >
> >"That's the one!"
> >
> >That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
> >monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell
> >me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
> >
> >"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog
> >bit me

[bonyhadi]

Men What A Gas
http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/So...rit/Men/Gas.ht

=================
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf or tennis?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you shop and spend frivolously, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
men?",

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
===============
At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman,
began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith,
with her mother's blessing. Six years later,
they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year.
Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen
married Mandy's mother, age 46.
That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother.
If Bill and Mandy had remained married,
Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law
and his own grandpa.
======================
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator
and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.
>
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage."Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in
my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
==========================
A guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a
hooker.

He says, "How much?"

She says, "Twenty bucks."

He says, "All right."

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night,
he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this
time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they
get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says, "What's the extra five bucks for?"

He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
=====================

Q. What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
A. You can't get either at home
********************************************
Asian Vagina

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" he
asks.

"Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"
================================================== =====
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each
one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you
through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old,
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
==============================

Somehow We Survived

You lived as a child in the 60s or the 70s. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have......

* As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

* Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets (not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

* We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

* We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a
few times we learned to solve the problem.

* We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell
phones. Unthinkable.

* We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

* We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember
accidents?

* We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

* We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight.........we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda
with four friends, from one bottle and no one
died from this?

* We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones,
personal computers, Internet chat rooms, ............... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world!
Without a
guardian. How did we do it?

* We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.

* Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

* Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.

* Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

* Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.

* The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and
new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to. And you're one of them.

[CobraDan]

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement"
in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for
extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained
medical transcriptionist when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was
fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or
hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as
young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get
supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does
seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now
that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she
says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this. _As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening
I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that,I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This
gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut
and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a
little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to
notice.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to
pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I
continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take
a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I over look
comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try notto embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her
to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort.
I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I
have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you
just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I
will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
P.S. Bob's funeral was on Saturday, June 15th.
Nancy was acquitted Monday, June 17th.





_

[Hotfingrs]

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
************************************************** *************************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** *************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** *************************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************** *************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
************************************************** *************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."
--

[Hotfingrs]

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and
> > showed Kevin where he'd
> > first had sex.
> >
> > "It was right down there by that tree. I remember
> > the day
> > plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so
> > much in love. We walked
> > down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe
> > recalled.
> >
> > "That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
> >
> > "Yes, It was OK until I looked up and noticed her
> > mother
> > was standing right there watching us."
> >
> > "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw
> > you making love to her
> > daughter?".....
> >
> > "Baaaaaaa." said Joe.