Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused
so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though,
and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in
the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by
getting up, John called his little boy into he room
and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful
Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then
asked her son to "take this to your silly Daddy.
The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady
in the kitchen."
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."
The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand

[CobraDan]

Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[CobraDan]

Helga and the Barkeep

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast
in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a
seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to
drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee
cold beer".
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

[Art Burtt]

Four guys played golf every Sat.for 25 years,7:30 rain or shine.
One Sat. one of the guys wasn't there when the other three
got to the golf course. They wait for 1/2 hour ,then tee off without him. They do not hear from him for a whole week,but
on the next Sat. there he is 7:30 like always. They ask him where
the hell were you last week? He replies I don't want to talk about it. One guy says oh no you don't we have played together for 25 years and you don't show up and now you won't tell us what happened. Finally the guy relents and tells his friends
that he was born with both sets of sex organs,and his doctor
told him as he got older he would have to decide which sex he
wanted to be. Last Sat. I was in the hospital for my operation and I'm happy to say I am now 100% male. One of his buddies
replies You stupid bastard all these years you could have been hitting from the womens tees!

[Hotfingrs]

When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?



Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful

husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."


Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher
and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving ! "

[Hotfingrs]

>Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first
> >guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
> >will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
> >
> >The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off
> >his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
> >
> >"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"
> >
> >"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic.
> >But let me ask you a question first.
> >
> >"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
> >excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
> >produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
> >
> >"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."
> >
> >"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
> >discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
> >

[Hotfingrs]

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, heretofore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

[Hotfingrs]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Hotfingrs]

>An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a
> >reporter for
> >a local paper. During the interview, the reporter
> >noticed that the
> >yard was full of children of all ages playing together.
> >
> >A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and
> >the reporter,
> >keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
> >
> >"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.
> >
> >"Naw sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied
> >with a sly
> >grin.
> >
> >"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this
> >beautiful young
> >lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
> >children too?"
> >
> >"Naw sir," said the old man, "She be my wife."
> >
> >"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she
> >can't be more
> >than 19 years old."
> >
> >"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
> >
> >"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being
> >105 and she's
> >only 19," the reporter remarked.
> >
> >"Naw sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night.
> >Every night
> >two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of
> >my boys
> >helps me off."
> >
> >"Wait just a minute," said the reporter. "Why does it
> >take only two of
> >your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
> >take you off?"
> >
> >"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I
> >fights 'em!"
> >
> >

[CobraDan]

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell,.... It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[CobraDan]

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room.
In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform.
He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe.
When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

[CobraDan]

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good- looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my God," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his aparment.
Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?" "Wear an old dress."

[Dwight]

One day God called Adam to come forth and he told Adam, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news I've given you two heads; the bad new is I've only given you enough blood to run one of them at a time."

[Dwight]

[CobraDan]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today.
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

[CobraDan]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know
that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's
house...............

AND he left it there all night.

[Hotfingrs]

Helpful Hint #1
> >If you are choking on an ice cube...don't panic...Simply pour a jug of
> >boiling water down your throat and presto!...The blockage is almost
> >instantly removed...
> >Helpful Hint #2
> >Clumsy?...Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> >someone else to hold them while you chop away...
> >Helpful Hint #3
> >Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms...just buy an ordinary one and slip a
> >handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on...
> >Helpful Hint #4
> >Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> >fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner...
> >Helpful Hint #5
> >An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
> >inexpensive vibrator... (and what a gift to give for "the one who has
> >everything!)
> >Helpful Hint #6
> >Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> >p***ing in the sink...
> >Helpful Hint #7
> >High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> >while...thus reducing the pressure in your veins...
> >Helpful Hint #8
> >A mouse trap...placed on top on of your alarm clock...will prevent you from
> >rolling over and going back to sleep...
> >Helpful Hint #9
> >If you have a bad cough...take a large dose of laxatives...then you will be
> >afraid to cough...
> >Helpful hint #10
> >Have a bad tooth ache?...hit your thumb with a hammer...then you will
> >forget about the toothache...
> >

[Hotfingrs]

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ...
feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no

gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.

In addition, forget about the gifts exchange--no gifts will be allowed

since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from

the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red
suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this

party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not. You can just
sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you

know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me?

The Woman from Hell


----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

[NeedAntiVenom]

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter!

When confronted,he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist."

[CobraDan]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''