Joke of the Day...

[Dwight]

CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who
was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk in time with your shareholders, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.


CORPORATE LESSON 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


CORPORATE LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


CORPORATE LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** may get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bluesman]

After living through a nasty divorce, Mike finds himself going through an identity crisis. As he walks alone along the shoreline of the beach, he spies an old lamp in the sand.
He picks it up and brushes off the sand. Pooof! Yea, that's right,
a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie grants Mike three wishes but explains that everything he wishes for, his ex-wife
will receive double of the granted wish.
So.. Mike asks the genie for a nice Victorian Mansion off the main street in Atlanta, Georgia. Bingo! Mike now has a beautiful home in the good ol' south. However, his ex-wife now owns two houses identical to his only they are across the street.
The genie requests that Mike make his second wish. He does.
He wants an original 1966, 427 Shelby Cobra in the garage. Sure enough, his wish is granted. However, his ex-wife has two original
427 Cobras in her garages.
Now the genie asks Mike to make his one last wish......
Mike thinks for a few moments and then looks up at the genie and says, "Genie.... beat me half-to-death".

[SPEEDEAMON]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[perana]

Definition of Confidence

Confidence is coming home at 4am , slidin' the cobra 'round the corner of the house , droppin a patch into the garage , thunderin' up the stairs , kickin open the bedroom door and bootin' the side of the maritial bed , reeking of cheap perfume , slappin' the missus on the ass and announcing at the top of your lungs "your next B**** "

[BMK]

Young up and coming businessman takes a few friends back to his new city apartment.

Keen to show of his success he takes his friends for tour of his apartment.

On reaching his bedroom they notice a large brass gong in the corner of the bedroom.

"It was here when I brought the apartment.", he said.

"It's a talking clock"., he tells his friends.

Looking at him in disbelief they laugh.

"OK I will show you". he says.

With that, he picks up a large hammer and strikes the big gong.

Next minute a voice is heard from behind the wall.

"Hey in there, cut it out, it's 2.35 in the morning"......

[Dwight]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Dwight]

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh!," says the waitress.
The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

[Dwight]

Subject: SEX



An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache."

"No problem, replies the doctor. Drop it into his coffee, he won't even
taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things
went."


A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor, and he inquires as to how
things went. "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah it was terrible, just
terrible, doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his
pants bulging' fiercely!!!

He swept the cups and tablecloth off the table, at the same time ripping
my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to
me on the tabletop!!! It was terrible!"
"What was terrible", asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh, no doctor, the sex was great. In fact, it was the best sex I've had
in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again"

[Dwight]

How come when you mix water and flour together?


you get glue..




and then you add eggs



and sugar...



and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?


NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!



That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT

[mrmustang]

Todays joke of the day can be found here

Welcome back our friend with the "real 1966 cobra assembled in 2002"


Bill S.

[CobraDan]

Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.



From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.




In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she



must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

[boxhead]

>
>LOVE
>
>An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
>impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
>chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
>
>He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
>Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
>and with even greater effort,
>gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
>
>With labored breath he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
>kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
>already in
>heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
>were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
>
>Was it heaven?
>
>Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Scottish wife of
>sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
>
>Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
>landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
>wonderous taste of the cookie in his mouth was bringing him back to life.
>
>The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge
>of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
>
>
>“**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[stremboli]

Why did the Avon Lady walk funny
Her Lipstick

[Dwight]

You can pick out the blondes~~L)

Idiot Sightings
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars"and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied,"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

(Which just goes to show: ALL dumb people are not necessarily blondes !hehheh !~~L)

[SPEEDEAMON]

Three kids are in school...a Mexican, a White, and a Black...
The teacher tells them to make a sentence with liver and cheese.

White kid says:
"My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all my favorite
ingredients and it was sooo delightful...Very generous of my mother I must
say"

Black kid says:
"My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn't, so
my daddy punched her in the liver..."

Mexican kid says:
"Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress so I told the vatos
"Hey Cabron!! Liver alone, Cheese my Sister!!!"

[CobraDan]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman
was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged
from the hospital her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked.
Not yet", said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for
a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see
the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see
the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. Why do we have to wait until it
CRIES?

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

[CobraDan]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Cobra Roadster.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch-up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Cobra and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes, it's Friday and I have the weekend off.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day.

[SPEEDEAMON]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.! "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 -- but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."

[SPEEDEAMON]

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? "About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

She then goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl, "How old do you think I am?"

"I guess about 29," the girl replies.

"Nope, I'm 47!"

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man at the bus stop the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds a bit forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly... and carefully. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough....how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?”

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Dwight]

Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight?
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable
safety
PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own
words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,and the
flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane
looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look
at
each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out
my
laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a
few
parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it."

BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going
to
San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to
San
Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to
tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most
important safety feature we have aboard is ...... The
Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings,
and
one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really
bad
idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count
the
rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need
arises
to
find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking
lights
on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White
ones
along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop
down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight
attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen
there,
I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who
is
acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first.
If
you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment
now
to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then
work
your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features
of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
personal
summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please
take
it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low
and
tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab
into
the
buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like
your
car,
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we
will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing
exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ...hold on, let
me
check
what it is .. Oh here it is ...the movie tonight is "Gone With the
Wind."
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to
get
really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would
be
a
good
time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns
on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing
Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's
anything
we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to
ask.
If
you
all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation,
wouldn't you?
(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy
landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's
fault.
It's
the Asphalt."

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time
in
history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't
even
try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because
"shift
happens."