Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A radio station was running a competion - words that were not in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: Dave whats your word?
CALLER: GOAN… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced go-an
DJ: Correct Dave goan is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?
CALLER: GOAN f**k yourself!
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsucessful until:
DJ: What’s your name
CALLER: Jeff
DJ: Jeff, Whats your word?
CALLER: SMEE, spelt S-M-E-E pronounced smee.
DJ: You are correct, Jeff SMEE is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali. What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
CALLER: SMEE again! GOAN f**k yourself!

[CobraDan]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy. . WOW!

[SPEEDEAMON]

Etiquette for Rednecks by Emily Post

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's room wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[bomelia]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well
now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle"

[Edley Rondinone]

A man had his car towed to his mechanic. Mechanic asks "What's the matter with your car?"
Man: "I blew up the transmission."
Mech: "But its an AUTOMATIC ! ". How did you blow it up?"
Man: "I was sitting at a stop lite, when a young kid in some ricer car threw me some revs. Of course, being the competitive male that I am, I decided to race the little ricer.
When the lite turned green, I put the car into " L " for "Lunge", and sure enough I lunged ahead of him. A few seconds later, the ricer kid was catching up to me, so I put the car into " D " for "Drag-Race", and I pulled away from him again.
But then his little fart-can caught up to me again, so I put the car into " R " for "Race" and the damn thing exploded!"

[Clois Harlan]

I know this is not politically correct and I appologize but here goes.


A midget in Texas has been complaining for days that he had been experiencing intense pain in his genitile area. Finally, he called his doctor and explained "HIS BOYS were very sore and the symptoms were (red in color and sensitive to the touch plus he seemed to have a bit of a rash --DOWN THERE)". So the doctor called in a prescription to his local pharmacy. A few days later the midget called back and explained he was in excrutiating pain and the precription didn't seem to be working and he needed to come into the doctors office for an exam.

The next day after a complete examination in the doctors office the doctor told him to climb back up on the table he thougt he could resolve his problem. So, the midget gets up on the examining table and the doctor comes back into the room with his surgical sissors and starts his procedure...

SNIP SNIP

SNIP SNIP

SNIP SNIP SNIP

The doctors says "I think I am done so why don't you climb down and tell me if that feels any better"? So the midget jumps down from the table and walks around a little and looks up at the doctor and said:

"I feel great now what did you do"?


The doctors said: "I just cut a couple inches off the top of your .


cowboy boots".

[cobra de capell]

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop,beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. "What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[392cobra]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next

port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make

it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo
was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were
eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of
Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo.

[SPEEDEAMON]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl. And her husband is on the
back of the milk carton.

A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. "So, do you always
carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me
so I figured this was the most evil legal thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

AND THE BEST YET..........
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and
some rolling papers; because it's soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I
figure if I have to roll my own, so does she . ... !"

[CobraDan]

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don' t have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

...and best of all................

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it

[MidOHasp]

Originally posted by CobraDan


#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

Last time I golfed, I shot a 115.

9 holes.

I was sober.

hmmmm.... easier to find the sweet spot? Looks like I'm never going to be in any long-term relationships if I'm better at golf...............

[cobra de capell]

The Pirate Story

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

[cobra de capell]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, Ma'am, sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own f___in' blanket."

[Dwight]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for a small, $6,500 for
a medium, $14,000 for a large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[Dwight]

When Mike got home last night, his wife demanded that he take her out to some place expensive.
So Mike took her to the corner gas station.

[cobra de capell]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

[blykins]

You know.....when I saw there were 131 pages here, I thought there were 131 pages of nice unique jokes.....I started at page 1....I'm at page 80 now....and all I've seen is bonyhadi and CobraDan reposting the same jokes over and over and over....sometimes twice or three times on the same page!

[CobraDan]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[bomelia]

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore
oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.

"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is
supposed to float!"

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he
yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

[CobraDan]

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly.
"Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"