Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a cup of coffee
and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of
her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pulls off the
tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home,
I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON
a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the
table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a
motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a
motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and
he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Dave Samson]

Osama Goes To Hell
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[CobraDan]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that,?" asks the husband.
How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?"

[Flyin_Freddie]

Three fraternity brothers had all been together all the way through school. When it came time to go out into the world and find a job, they all agreed they would look for jobs together. They lined up their first interview, and the first guy goes in to see the interviewer. The first thing this guy notices is that the interviewer, a strikingly beautiful brunette woman, has had her ears apparently burned off. They're nothing but little nubs on the side of her head.

So, after the prerequisite interview questions, the interviewer folds her hands in front of her and says to the guy, "This job requires keen powers of observation. What unusual thing have you noticed about me during this interview?"

They guy looks right at her and says, "Well, Ma'am, I noticed you ain't got no frickin' ears!"

Well, the lady went NUTS! She stood up and screamed at him, "You bastard! You didn't have to say anything about my deformity! Get your ass out of here and never come back!"

As the guy was leaving, he walked by his other two fraternity brothers and said to them, "Don't say anything about her ears!"

After the lady calmed down a little, she asked the second applicant to come in. The interview went fine, she asked all the right questions and so on. When the interview was about over, again she clasped her hands in front of her and said, "This job requires keen powers of observation. What unusual thing have you noticed about me during this interview?"

The second applicant thinks for a moment, looks her square in the eye and says, "Well, I noticed that you ain't got no frickin' ears!"

Well, the same thing happened again...the lady goes nuts, jumps up from her desk and throws the second applicant out of her office, shrieking at the top of her lungs at him! As he's leaving, he walks by the last of the brothers three and says to his friend, "Look, whatever you do, DON'T mention anything about her ears...!"

Once again, the lady calms down a bit. Finally, when she's cooled down enough, she asks for the last of the three applicants to come in for his interview. She greets him and the interview begins. It goes fine and she finally comes to the end of the interview and asks again, "This job requires keen powers of observation. What unusual thing have you noticed about me during this interview?"

Well, the guy looks at her carefully again. He remembers what his two fraternity brothers had already told him, and he's heard the screaming coming from her office. So he looks carefully trying not to notice her ears. Finally, he comes upon the answer.

"Ma'am," he replies, "I noticed your wearing contact lenses."

The lady stands up and says, "That's WONDERFUL! You do indeed have keen powers of observation, and sound like you may be just perfect for this position. But, tell me... how did you notice I was wearing contact lenses?"

"Easy, lady," the guy replies, "you can't wear glasses, because you ain't got no frickin ears!"

[CobraDan]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH!T", said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[BT SNAKE]

The teacher asked a young girl in her class to use the word
fasinate in a sentence. The young girl stood up up said,"The study of the universe fasinates me". The teacher said " I'm sorry but thats wrong, I want the word fasinate not fasinates.
The teacher then picked a young man and asked him to make a sentence using fasinate. The young man stood up and said, " It's fasinating to watch an airplane fly.
" No, that's wrong" said the teacher. I want the word fasinate not fasinating. She then sees little Johnny in the back of the class waving his arm violently. Reluctantly the teacher picked him.
Johnny stood up and says , "teacher I think I got this one".
Johnny thinks for a second then says, " My sister bought a new blouse and when she buttoned it she could only fasinate cause her ti!s are to big.

Hersh

[concobra]

Ok I know this will be hard to beleive but this is a true story.

One day at work a co-worker and good freind of mine walked in red faced from laughing so hard and still unable to draw enough breath to tell me what was so funny. So he simply handed me a copy of a newspaper article he had just read.


The head line read " Two me hospitalized with unusual burns"


Two men admitted themselves into the emergency room last evening. Both suffering from second degree burns. One with burns located on his forehead and with most of the hair on the front of his head burned away as well. The other had burns surrounding his rectal area and inside his bowels.

Upon investigation by the attending physician it appears the two men were guy lovers involved in the practice of "Feltching". This is the practice of one participate inserting a tube, this time the inside dowell of a papertowel roll, up the rectum of the other in order to insert a small gerbal or mouse inside the rectum. This done to increase sexual arousal and satisfaction. (Disgusting isn't it!!!) Upon completing their little lovefest. The partner minus the mouse up his butt could not seem to get a hold of the gerbal to remove it. Unable to see down the tube. (It was dark down there) He decided he needed a little light to help. Since he could not locate a flashlight he decided a match would work just fine. Upon lighting the match, and inserting into the tube the "natural gas" ignited thus launching the now Flaming Cannonball Gerbal out the tube and onto the forehead of the individual who had once thought using a match was a good idea.

Anyway the rest is history and easily figured out even by a chevy guy.

[CobraEd]

Concobra,

Never tell this story to anyone ever again!

Ed

[concobra]

I'm sorry I don't understand

[CobraEd]

I'm just pulling your chain. Its such a gross/sick story, I thought I would give you a hard time about it.

Ed

[concobra]

Yeah I know. And what is really bad is it's true. I hope you were not offended. But being the naturally demented individual I am. I could not resist. Sorry.

[Flyin_Freddie]

Ewwww...

[CobraEd]

An Irishman, a German, and a Chinese guy go to the coal mine to get a job. They see the forman and he says "OK, you three can start right away". He takes them into the coal mine where he tells the Irishman, "you dig the coal out of the sides of the tunnel and into the bucket". He tells the German, "you hold the bucket under where the Irishman is digging and catch the coal as he digs it out". He tells the Chinese guy, "we go thru a lot of shovels and buckets here, so you are in charge of supplies"

The forman leaves and comes back hours later. He see's the Irishman digging away. He see's the German catching all the coal. But the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. The forman asks the two guys if they know where he is. They tell him that they have not seen the Chinese guy for hours. So all pissed off, the forman starts to leave the tunnel when he see's something move in the corner. As he goes over to see what it is, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind some rocks with his arms in the air and yells "SUPPLIES!!!".



. . . . . . I guess you had to be there.

Ed

[Flyin_Freddie]

...maybe I should change the name of this thread to the GOOD Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

When Santa runs out of prozac

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a
career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send
you a book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for
everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn't they? Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a
fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck
this year! Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more
fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
************************************************** ******
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy + daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having
with the babysitter? He's banging her like a
screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get
you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my
friends have more Pokemon cards than I do.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their
parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get
you something more your speed, like
"Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer
fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-a$$?
Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone. Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Las
Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
cocktail waitresses a$$es, and losing all my cash
at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.......... Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please, please, please, PLEASE.

Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work up here.
You're getting a sweater again. Santa
************************************************** *****
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

MARK,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why
you're getting your a$$ whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams! Santa

[CobraEd]

A man goes to the doctor about his constipation. The doctor examines him and prescribes some suppositories. The doctor says "Take this prescription twice a day for a week and you should be OK". The man leaves but returns in about a week and a half. The man says to the doctor, "Doc I still have the constipation". The doctor somewhat surprised doubles the prescription and tells the man "OK, here is a renewal for you prescription, take these four times a day for the next week, and you should be fine". About a week and a half later the man is back again. "Doc, my constipation is worse than ever is there anything you can do"? Now the doctor is really surprised because these suppositories are known for really curing constipation. He tells the man "OK, here is another renewal for even more medicine, take these 6 times a day and I guarantee your constipation will be cured". Sure enough, a week and a half later the man is back still complaining, "Doc, my constipation is worse than ever". The doctor now quite amazed exclaims "Damn, those things are really supposed to work, what are you doing, eating them??!!" The man now completely annoyed replies sarcastically, "NO, . . . . I SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS!!!"

[Flyin_Freddie]

Dear Boys and Girls, and Parents, too:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moonpie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeeeeee Haaaaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other one is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cletus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely yours,
Santa

[CobraEd]

Two guys are driving around doing nothing, when one guy says to the other, "Hey, I almost forgot, I'm supposed to stop by my grandmothers to visit with her for a while. Do want to come with me?" The other guy says "sure, lets go".

So they get to the grandmothers house, and she invites them to come in and sit in the living room to visit. So the guys and the grandmother are sitting there talking, and the second guy notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffe table. So while they are talking, he is eating the peanuts. After a while he finishes them all, and soon after they finish visiting, and they are getting ready to go. So as they are going out the door, they say goodbye to the grandmother, and the second guy tells her it was nice to meet her and says, "thank you for the peanuts". The grandmother says, "oh . . you're perfectly welcome young man. I'm glad you enjoyed them, . . Since I lost all my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them"




No??? . . . . . . . . Anyone?, . . . Buehler?

[CobraEd]

A tip from Bernie, while sitting at the airport.

Subject: How to impress a client

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting nearby enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business, and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Bernie" at me when I was with my client. He smiled conspiratorially and agreed.

Ten minutes later, while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hello Bernie, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "F__k off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

[Flyin_Freddie]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. His doctor is completing the medical work up and finally asks the old man how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, Sir, that reminds me of a true story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun as he climbs out of his truck. He takes off and pretty soon he's walking in the woods near a stream bed when suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle and BAM! the beaver falls over dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "the man had an umbrella, not a gun. Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly my point" the doctor replied.