Joke of the Day...

[BT SNAKE]

A man goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc, you
gotta help me!
The Doc says " what the problem"?
Well, I woke up this morning and noticed a bright orange ring
around my penis.
The Doc looks at it and says " I'll have to run some tests.
After several hours the Doc comes back and says" We ran
every test we could and we still don't know what it is".
"Have you had sex with anyone lately?" asked the Doc.
The man thought for a second and replied "Heck no Doc, I haven't had sex for over three months since my wife left." " All I do now is sit at home watching porno flicks and eatin" Cheetos."

Hersh

[Rick Young]

Any one ever try "Rodeo Romance"??

It starts out by talking your wife into getting nude, sometimes this involves a nice cool drink of her favorite libation.

Then, maby after a couple more drinks, you can establish the 'behind approach', you know, sort of like "doggy style".

When you get this far, reach around and grasp a breast in each hand and whisper in her ear;

"Honey, this is the way my girl friend likes it too".

Then see if you can stay on for eight seconds!!!


Well... then... how 'bout this???

Little Johnney was in school and his teacher was giving them their first talk on the sexes, and the differences between men and women.

When the teacher told them that men have a penis, little Johnney held up his hand and said, "My daddy has two of them".

The teacher told him that was impossible that men just have one penis.

Little Johnney said, "Oh no, My dad has two, I've seen them. He has a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with".

[CobraDan]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

[stush]

A elderly fellow goes to his doctor for a regular check up. the doctor asks how has he been. He says, "its a funny thing, when I was younger and I got an erection no matter how hard I tried I could not bend my erection it was so hard. Now when I get an erection I can easily bend it. I think I must be getting stronger"

Stu

[CobraDan]

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

[CobraEd]

Two Polish guys are installing the siding on a house. So one of the Polish guys is standing there nailing the siding on, but very often, he will take a nail, look at it and then throw it away. The other Polish guy sees this and askes him what he is doing.

The guy says, "Those nails have the heads on the wrong side" So the second guy says to him, "You idiot, those are the nails for the other side of the house!!"

[ERA535]

Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Joe in court.

'Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the accident scene?' Mr. Green asks.

'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy,' says Farmer Joe.

'I'm not asking for details,' Mr. Green says. 'Just answer the question.'

'I am,' Farmer Joe says. 'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy into the trailer when...'

'Didn't you tell the state trooper that you were fine?' Mr. Green interrupts.

The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Joe tell his story the way he wants to.

'So, anyway,' says Farmer Joe. 'I loaded Bessy in the trailer and started driving down the highway when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and smacked into the right side of my truck.

'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessy was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move,' Farmer Joe says.

'Then a state trooper came by and I heard him talking about Bessy. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessy stopped moaning,' Farmer Joe says.

'What does this story have to do with anything?' Mr. Green asks.

'The state trooper walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you doing?''

[Flyin_Freddie]

There was this old red neck farmer who lived by himself right next to a country road in South Georgia. Every morning, he takes his coffee out on the front porch and drinks it as he watches the cars and people go by. One morning, he sees a young boy walking down the side of the road. The boy has a large roll of chicken wire with him and the old farmer wonders what he's doing with it. So he calls out "Say, Boy...say there. What's 'at you got wichoo, boy?"

"Dis here's a roll of chicken wire," the boy replies, "I'm a-planning to ketch me some chickens wif it."

"Boy, you damn fool," the farmer says, "donchoo know you cain't ketch no chickens wif jest a roll of chicken wire!". The boy shrugs his sholders, but continues off into the distance.

That afternoon, the farmer's back on his porch, the days work having been done. Pretty soon, here comes the boy holding four chickens by their feet. "See, Mister," the boy says, "caught me some chickens wif 'at chicken wire!". "Sho'nuf, yeah you did" the farmer calls back.

Next morning, here comes the boy again while the old farmer's drinking his coffee on the front porch. This time, the boy has a roll of duct tape with him. "Hey, Boy," the farmer shouts, "whachoo got today?". "Got me a roll of duct tape" the boy hollers back, "gonna ketch me some ducks wif dis here duct tape!".

"There ya go agin, Boy," the farmer laughs, "duct tape is for heatin' and air conditionin'...you ain't gonna ketch you no DUCKS wif duct tape!".

Well, that afternoon, the boy comes back by the farmer's house again and he's got 3 ducks under his arm. He yells to the farmer, "Lookee here, caught me 3 ducks with this here roll of duct tape!". "Yeah, you did, Boy, ya done good!", the farmer replies.

Next morning, the boy comes by again and this time he's got a small shrubbery branch in his hand. The farmer notices and shouts out to the boy "Boy, whachoo got wif you dis mornin'?" "Well, suh, dis here's a pu55y Willow branch, and I'm plannin' on ketchin' me some...."

"Wait a minute, Boy," the farmer interrupts, "lemme git my hat!"

[CobraDan]

* You answer the door before people knock.

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people's fingernails.

* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

* You can jump-start your cobra without cables.

* Cocaine is a downer.

* All your kids are named "Joe".

* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

* You don't sweat, you percolate.

* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You don't tan, you roast.

* You can't even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

[Dave Samson]

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[CobraDan]

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

23. You're reading this.

[ERA535]

So this lady has her Lab retriever in to the vet and she's complaining that he's always humping her.......

well the vet interrupts her and says no problem, we'll simply neuter him and that will solve your problem!

The lady says 'No, no - I want your to trim his dew claws, they're scratching the hell out of me!




Thanks to Jamo for the inspiration for this one.....

[ERA535]

Three guys are at the pearly gates explaining to St. Peter how they died and why they should be let into heaven.

The first guy says "I am a travelling salesman and I got home early from a trip and went into my apartment and there was my wife lying naked and sweaty on the bed - I saw the window was open and I'm no fool so I ran to the window and looked down and saw this guy lying on a fire escape landing a few floors down naked! I was so angry that I pushed our refrigerator out the window onto the guy hoping to kill him, but unfortunately I tripped and fell out the window with the refrigerator-- and that's how I died! St. Peter told him he could go into heaven.

The second guy says ' I usually lie on the fire escape landing to get a tan, well I was lying there and some idiot throws a refrigerator out of his window onto me and thats how I died.
St. Peter tells him he can go on to heaven and then turns to the third guy and asks him how he died.

The third guy says ' I dunno, I was just sitting in this refrigerator minding my own business!!........

[Jamo]

ERA 543

So my wife comes up behind me while I'm reading your post on the Buddy thread--says let's see what his joke is. So as I'm moving over here I'm explaining how you're on the trip to SLC--then we read the Lab joke...

[ERA535]

[CobraDan]

10. Overweight? Get up off your knees and come see us.

9. Stop looking like fat white trash! Start looking like thin white trash!

8. Who cares about morality when you look good?

7. Our meals aren't hard to swallow.

6. Our choice of spokesperson is as tasteless as our food.

5. You'll look so good, all the married men you know will want to commit adultery.

4. We solemnly swear you'll lose weight...but it depends on your definition of "lose."

3. Monica says, "Mmm mmm," but that's usually all she can say.

2. Desiree Brown wanted too much money, so we had to hire Monica.

1. We got Monica to lose weight, and you all know that she'll eat anything.

[ERA535]

Three guys are fishing when Bob gets up to get a
beer, loses his balance and falls out of the
boat. Pete says " What should we do?"


Andy says, "You better jump in after him, he's
been under water for a while, he might need
some help."


So Pete jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces.
He says, "Help me get him in the boat."


They wrestle Bob back into the boat.
Pete says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like
he's breathing."


Andy says, "Give him mouth to mouth."


Pete starts to blow air into Bob's mouth and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember Bob having such bad
breath."


Andy says, "Come to think of it, I didn't think
he was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

[Dave Samson]

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint
Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records
Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said,
opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell
on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the
keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't
resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll
go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again,
the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more
furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy
one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his
keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy,
having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed
up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for
his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong,
it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he
finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing
his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The
devil replied.

[CobraDan]

So you want the day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available.

You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves you 20 days available.

You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is now down to 15 days a year.

We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work.

So if you think you are going to that day off, You out of your mind!!!

[Dave Samson]

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that
must be plucked very gently."

Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"

Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."