Joke of the Day...

[pablo63]

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno

[pablo63]

I'm so proud of myself.................... I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. Took me just over six months. The box said 2 to 4 years. YEEEEES!

[Jamo]

Mike...got a little close there (politics).

Pablo...you got too close.

[VRM]

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear 'the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Ralphy]

A heard of Cobras were in the area? Or just a natural wonder?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozaonkHapL0

[VRM]

Longest Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[Ron61]

Good one Steve.

Golf Course or...
-------------------------

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'
So she says, "Wear your sweater."

[Ron61]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

"This is a herd of sheep......"

"Now give me back my dog."

[pablo63]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to crap yourself" chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the
next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and
even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement
2". espite habanera peppers swimming their way through
my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door
neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a
local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go"
pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the
aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it
unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her
arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With
each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,
and I raced off through the store towards the
restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating
above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO
BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in
the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and
Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
"Sonofab....!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the
vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that
there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. They claim
they're going to have to repaint the store...
__________________

[VRM]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar..

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

"I'll try it.
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

[Ron61]

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will...

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The
aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Mbechmann]

Originally Posted by Ibr8k4vetts

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

Mike, that story can not be true. Not by a long shut. Oakland Raiders will never win Super Bowl.

[392cobra]

THE DAY IT ALL STARTED

It was March 6, 1836, and on that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said.........

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The Religious Cowboy
>>
>> A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
>> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
>> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>>
>> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
>> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Church and I had to quit drinking."
>> "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A Bad Day

There I was is sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[392cobra]

Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[letsboogie351]

A 12 yo boy is on an international flight on his own. A well dressed gent sits down beside him and says "its a long way to England maybe we can chat to pass the time>
The boy says "I guess so"
Let me start says the man, I'm a nuclear scientist, what do you know about that?
The boy replied " I will answer that if I can ask you a question first"
OK go ahead says the scientist.
The boy says "Why is cow poo flat, sheep poo like marbles, and horse poo round and crumbly?
The scientist thinks for a while and says I don't know the answer to that.

The boy replied " You don't know sh*t and you wanna talk nuclear science!

[FWB]

Confucius say woman that fly upside-down....have crack up

[392cobra]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
DIKU: Do I Know You
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil