Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A man with a speech impedement walks into a hardware store and says,"Do you have any ****ets?'"
The clerk says, "Any what?"
Again he says any ****ets.
She replies, "You mean buckets?"
He says, "Yes."
She shows him where they are, he buys his buckets and leaves.
Next he goes to the drug store and says, "Do you have any bum?"
The clerk says, "Any what?"
He again says, "Any bum."
She replies, "You mean gum?"
He says, "Yes."
She shows him where the gum is, he buys his gum and leaves.
Next he goes to the pet shop, walks up to the clerk and asks, "Do you have any cock and spankets?"
She says, "Any what?"
He again says, "Cock and spankets."
She says, "You mean Cocker Spaniel's?"
He says, "Yes."
She shows him where they are, he buys one and walks out.
He is walking his dog through the park, when suddenly the dog gets lose.
He runs up to a man sitting on a bench and says, "Will you hold my bum and ****et, while I go get my cock and spanket."

[ERA535]

The girl goes to her daddy in Arkansas and asks if she can borrow the car. She is told "yes, but only if you give me a BJ" So she gets to it but stops quickly and says " daddy! your dick tastes like ****!" Her dad says " I know, your brother wanted to borrow the car last night".

[mr0077]

The old man from Arkansas had just finished having sex with his 12-year old daughter. He rolled off and said, "God, you're better'n the old lady!", to which the girl said, "Yeah, I know, that's what Junior says, too!"

[ERA535]

Bob Putnam is going to ask the ERA owners to quit this pedophilic tack we seem to be on......it may devalue the product

[mr0077]

535,
If not devalue the product, it may give an insight into the character of their clientele...
That one WAS kinda low...
0077

[Dave Samson]

Hang on, pedophilia is not a product, it's a way of life

[Gordon Claunch]

Yeah, there's a reason their called JOKES!!

[Jamo]

DAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU WIN! THOSE EYES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS--AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Turk]

Turk LITE would like the general readership to know that this is another thread I made NO contribution to.
It is this bad all on it's own, with NO help from me.

The threads I participate don't wait to be 6 pages long before they stink. It is easily accomplished by the 5th or 6th post, only if you have the right players.

I have a few of my own but I won't post not until I subject them to a focus group during our trip to Provo.
The ones I can post are in poorer taste than some already displayed in here. Keep up the good work!

TURK

[65cobra427]

Don't know if this one has been told before, but I ain't gonna read 16 pages of this to find out...

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and an Army Command Sergeant Major were out on a joint exercise in the field... The Army CSM looks at the Air Force CMS and stated, "Chief, I gotta take a dump"...

The Air Force Chief looks at him and sez, "It's ok Sergeant Major, just go befind the bushes over there."

To which the CSM reponds, "But Chief, I don't have any toliet paper!"

The Chief asks, "Do you have a dollar?"

Csm quickly anwers, "Sure"

The Chief says, "well use it."

Five minutes later the CSM returns shaking $hit out of his hand and the Chief asks what happened.

The Army CSM responds, "Have you ever tried to wipe yourself with 3 quarters, 2 dimes & a nickel?"



Who says there isn't Army inteligence???

[ERA535]

Yeah, those Turkish prison jokes can get pretty bad.

[Turk]

ERA535
What were you in for?For how long?

Maybe you CAN tell us about SOME of your experiences. I was only a young child when I lefty Turkey and have no stories I could share. I am willing to listen though.

TURK

[Hotfingrs]

A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted an operation done because her vagina lips were much too large. She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed. She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued, "The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and had the operation done herself." Just then the girl asked about the third rose. The doctor said, "Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[ERA535]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, Doc Buck pulled out his stethoscope,placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry
but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell?
You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a
Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor
dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing,
the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat,
who walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow."
He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian said, "There's
nothing more I can do" and handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner
went nuts. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

Doc shook his head sadly and explained. ...



"If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50 . But with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

[Dave Samson]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA(mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under
the name, "Mount and Do”. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one

[CobraDan]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is
shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says," Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Black Pepper."

[Dave Samson]

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she
decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her
to go and get undressed and wait for him in the
other room. When the doctor goes into the room he
tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the
mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests
his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady
to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will
talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what
is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before
she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in
front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

[CobraDan]

1. Sag, You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Hide and Go Pee

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical Recliners

[Doug Axelrod]

Three Native American women are about to give birth in their teepees and, according to custom, choose an animal skin on which to deliver.

The first woman chooses a deer skin and delivers a 6 pound boy.
The second somen chooses a bear skin and delivers a 7 pound boy.
The third woman chooses a hippopotamus skin and delivers a thirteen pound son.

The moral of the story?
The son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[CobraDan]

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their Cobra.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.