Joke of the Day...

[Dave Samson]

Sven and Ole worked together at "Froot of da Loom" and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as
unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel
fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."

[CobraDan]

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when
you sneeze, your heart
stops for a mili-second.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80
years, no one reported a
single case where an ostrich buried its head in the
sand (or attempted to do
so - apart from Bones ).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into
the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely
of little pasta
swastikas.

In average, a human being will have sex more than
3,000 times and spend two
weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a
telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to
be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you
try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die.
if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.


Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over million
descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear
by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why
does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July
16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have
any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads
for dating are
already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them
and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat
70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is
different.

Over 75% of the people who read this will try to lick
their elbow.

[mr0077]

But wait!

A recent survey reported that 95% of all happily married people are women;

9 out of 10 men who switched to Camels switched back to women within a month;

and 4 out of 6 leaves 2...

But, there were two young nuns who went to see the Mother Superior. The Mother asked them what was the matter, and one of them said, "Well, Mother, you've got to do something about those construction workers near the chapel; they use REALLY foul language!"
The Mother Superior said, "Now, now, my dears, they're working men; they simply call a spade a spade."
The other nun then said, "No, Mother, they don't just call a spade a spade, they call it a f*cking shovel!"

And hey, if I sneeze and my eye DOES fly out of my head, will someone PLEEZE catch my eye?

[CobraDan]

Ken,

Did you lick your elbow? A lot of women want to know.
Dan

[mr0077]

Aww, shucks, I can just barely lick my eyebrows...
Man, those tongue weights hurt!

[CobraDan]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[Dave Samson]

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

[Stan Mitchell]

Words to "survive" by, given to me by my wife:

Gentlemen, Please remember these and you will get along well in
life.....


Subject: Words Women Use


FINE - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Stan

[mrmustang]

As sent to me from a friend in Washington (yes, an attorney)


WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

************************************************** ********************

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

[ERA535]

Where do lawyers come from?

Bvtt fuc***g.

[mrmustang]

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

[CobraDan]

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

[CobraDan]

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

[CobraDan]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant.
That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

[BT SNAKE]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender keeps staring at the guy. The guy finally says.."yeah, I know what you're staring at."
The bartender says "well, I'm sorry guy buy it ain't everyday you see a guy with a head the size of a grapefruit."
Yeah, I know but its's a long story." the guy says.
"Well go ahead and tell me the story. I got all day". says the bartender.
" Well it was like this" I was on a lonely beach one day and I
found a mermaid all tangled up in a net so I helped her get out
of it." For doing her a good deed she granted me a wish. I told her that I thought it would be nice to make love to her"
She said that she was unable to grant that wish because she her anatomy was not like other women. Well I thought about it for a second then I asked.."How about a little head."

Hersh

[Flyin_Freddie]

Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands one day, the boy asks "Papa, I've seena you do many many t'ings witha you hands, but tella me abouta you fingers."

"Well, Tony," Papa said, "It's a like dis, you see this firsta fingah? You usea dissa one to
pointata what evea you want. You see youa t'umb? You usea thisa for turna da pages inna book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and youa little finga, you usea to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella
you about thata one whena you get married."

Well, little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with his Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use dissa finger to
point atta whata I want, and I turna many a pages with my t'umb, I've pickeda my nose with dissa little one, now I havea beautiful ringa from my Gina on my ringa finger, but Papa, now I mustta know what I gonna do with dissa middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony, tonight you will makea da mad hot love to Gina, you woman, many times anna you willa getta very very tired, whena that happens anna you woman turnsa to you again wanting to makea the love, attsa when you takea you middle finga anna you poka on her head and say, 'Go backa to sleep, you silly woman.

[CobraDan]

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

[CobraDan]

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

[CobraDan]

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

[Turk]

Absolutely!

I can even direct you to the threads we are on!
I am one of them.


TURK