Joke of the Day...

[ERA535]

Do you think I should tell it ? Would Turk mind?

The reason I couldn't is because we were already all laughing so damned hard it wasn't necessary!

Do you think ERA is going to send me a cease and desist for defiling the name?

[ERA535]

Subject: T shirt sayings

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
3) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
4) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
5) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
6) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
7) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
8) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
9) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
10) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
11) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
12) “That’s It! I’m Calling Nana!” - seen on an 8 year old
13) “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew Up”
14) “Procrastinate Now”
15) “Rehab Is for Quitters”
16) “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
17) “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
18) “Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I’ve Been Doing Since 15.
19) “West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names”
20) “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
21) “A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
22) “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
23) “They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
24) “POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN??Cops have nothing to go on.”
25) “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
26) “A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
27) “The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.”
28) “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
29) “HAM AND EGGS - A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.”
30) “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
31) “IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?”
32) “The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.”
33) “MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
34) “Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
35) “MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.”
36) “NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning-medicine.”
37) “Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.”
38) “ My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!”

[Jamo]

Do it, do it, do it....... Just give credit to Turk so he gets the blame. Trust me, I'm a lawyer

[ERA535]

Here goes.....
So this guy goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam for the nastiest girl there. She directs him to the proper room and he goes in and asks the girl how much it would be if she would lie on the ground so he can s**t on her chest? She says $25. He says OK and thats just what they do.

A few weeks later same story. This time the guy squats down and can only fart. She looks up at him and says "What's the matter, don't you love me any more?"

[Jamo]

Bravo!!!!!!!!

[Hotfingrs]

> Fat Theology:
>
>
> And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
> spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
> Woman would live long and healthy lives.
>
> And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
> 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
> fries with that?"
>
> And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
> figure that man found so fair.
>
> And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
>
> And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
> olive oil with which to cook them."
>
> And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
> its own platter.
>
> And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
> roof.
>
> And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
> those extra pounds.
>
> And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
> would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
>
> And Man gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
>
> And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
> fat and brimming with nutrition.
>
> And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
> center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
> cream dip also.
>
> And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
> swaddled in cholesterol.
>
> And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
>
> And Man went into cardiac arrest.
>
> And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
> And Satan created HMOs

[CobraDan]

Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to the heater, everytime it turned around, it burnt it's little peter.

Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, she stepped in lamb sh!t.

[CobraDan]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As
Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat & said, "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for
six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until
suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t!" exclaimed the angry hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Hotfingrs]

She-Devil

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"

[CobraDan]

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique,
except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths
in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes
Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold
Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-
shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh
my God, what have I just said?"

[Jamo]

Cobra Dan

Thanks--now I have something to sing in the shower...

[CobraDan]

Jamo,
Your welcome, I thought you might want to include them with your signature.

Dan

[Roscoe]

What does it take to turn a pig into a fox?





About three drinks.......

Roscoe

[CobraDan]

Dear Taxpayers:
The only thing that the Internal Revenue Services has not taxed is your pecker.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but operates in the hole.
Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after March 1, 2002 your pecker will be taxed based on size. Using the "Pecker Checker Scale" below determine your size and category and insert the additional tax under two other taxes page 4, part V, line 61 of your standard tax form.
PECKER CHECKER SCALES
10 to 12 inches
Luxury Tax $50.00

8 to 9 inches
Pole Tax $25.00

6 to 7 inches
Privilege Tax $ 15.00

4 to 5 inches
Nuisance tax $ 5.00

Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund; please do not ask for an extension.
Males with a pecker in excess of 12 inches should be filed under Capital gains. If unsure of your correct category call us at our office and we will send you a Peter Meter Reader.
Yours truly,
Your Tax Woman

[Hotfingrs]

For calling in sick


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to
her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

[CobraEd]

Why is a woman like KFC?



Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!!!

[CobraDan]

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, then
alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter... and supply a new
definition!
The winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the liter(ature):

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

[CobraDan]

Careful not to laugh to loud when reading this.

CALLING IN SICK:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am
lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!
The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects
she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried
to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.

[Hotfingrs]

Imponderables



Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on
the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible
black box is?


--

[Hotfingrs]

Heard Over the Airwaves:

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.

We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside!

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane...