Joke of the Day...

[Dave Samson]

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother,
a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter
came home looking very down.

"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars
for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars
for a blow job!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad
to just get something warm in our stomachs!"

[CobraDan]

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said ... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the Hallway light on.

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[ERA535]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

[CobraDan]

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns
while they wait for the doctor.
A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins
to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have
a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is
quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees,
opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this?
Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue
Cross."

[CobraDan]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[ERA535]

A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.

The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."

Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!"

[Chad Johnson]

Irish

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints
goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you bought
one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join
that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected me brothers though

[Dave Samson]

Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. (Actually, no
tailgates.) No Hooters. No meat from a pig. Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy insight. Ever try to fish at an oasis? Rags for clothes and hats. Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your a$$ only with your left. (Like life isn't complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors. No music, no radio, you can't shave.
You can't shower, Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else.

Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! Who wouldn't go for it?

[CobraDan]

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in. You're not to go near
that woman again. Now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor
box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that!
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up
against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

[mr0077]

There was this guy who wanted to get married to a naive, innocent virgin. He dated and dated, but could never find one, until one day he found a girl who seemed to know nothing about sex. He kept trying to get her to go to bed with him, but she always said "Oh, no, I could NEVER do that until we're married." He finally asked her the big question, she said yes. A few months later they got married. On their honeymoon she got ready first. She got into the bed and waited while he went to the bathroom to get ready. After a short while, he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around himself. He walked over to the bed and dropped the towel. She saw him nude for the first time, pointed at his manhood and said "Eewww, a wee-wee!" The man thought "Oh, this is going to be just what I've been looking for, she doesn't know a thing about sex!"
He said to his new bride, "Honey, this isn't called a wee-wee, its called a cock", to which she replied, "No, I've seen LOTS of cocks, that's a WEE-WEE!"

[CobraDan]

WARSAW (AP) -- In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stosh
and Yonko Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far, they have
bounced off 5 buildings.

[mr0077]

This guy runs into the patent office, throws a box up on the counter, and says "I want to take out a patent on this!"
The patent officer looks in the box and says, "Why, this is just a box of peaches. You can't get a patent on peaches!"
The guy says, "Yeah, they look like peaches, but they taste different. Try one." Unconvinced, the patent officer picks one out, takes a bite, and says, "WOW, this tastes just like an apple!"
The guy says, "Turn it around." The patent officer turns it around and takes another bite, and says, "Man, now it tastes like an orange!" The guy has him try another, the patent officer says, "This one tastes like a grape!" The guy says, "Turn it around." The patent officer does, and says, "Well I'll be damned, now it tastes like a pineapple!"
The patent officer says, "I think you got something here. I think we can give you a patent on this. That's amazing!" He thinks a little bit, gets a sly grin on his face, leans over to the guy and says, "Say, you got one of them things that tastes like a woman's, well, you know, "thing"?"
The guy says , "Sure." He rummages through the box and hands the patent officer a fruit and says, "Try this."
The patent officer takes a bite out of it and says, "Aw, man, this tastes like SH!T!"
The guy smiles at him and says, "Turn it around!"

[chopper]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How
dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on
Osama's knee.

Osama is then caned by John Randolph of Roanoke and soundly thrashed by James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and 65 other men who love
liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gates, where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits the ferry to take him to his final, very hot destination, he screams, "Aieee! This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[CobraDan]

Date rape drug targeting males Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and
unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman. A new
date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with
them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual
acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never
normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are
much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is
offered by the predatory female.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town
where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded
guys. For the support group nearest you,
just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

[ERA535]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A

local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. The

tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a

banana was sticking out of his ass.


Police suspect a cereal killer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mr0077]

Three guys were sitting on a park bench.
First guy says, "Man, my sex life is terrible! I can only get my wife to put out once a month!"
Second guy says, "Yeah, that's pretty bad, but I have it worse than you...my wife only lets me have some once every THREE months!"
They turn to the third guy, who's just sitting there smiling, looking off into the distance. "Well", one of them says, "what about you? How often do you get some, every day?"
"Nope", the third guy says, "My wife only lets me have some once a year."
"Once a year! That's terrible!", they exclaim, "Well, if you only get it once a year, why are you smiling?"
Third guy says, "Tonight's the night."

[CobraDan]

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I
reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat
your
fingers!"... pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's
wrong honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
=====

[CobraDan]

In Florida and Arizona, the personal ads for "older
folks" have become rather long-in-the-tooth. These ads
will be typical ten years from now, but they are already
in vogue in Florida and Arizona. Here is a sampling:

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'-4" (used to be
5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob
and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the air
guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy
hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection
of eight-track tapes.

MATCH MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our
two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. No
leaks. Doesn't run but walks well.

[CobraDan]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is
wearing a
fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner, " the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren."

[CobraDan]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too.... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um ... equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!