Joke of the Day...

[ERA535]

Subject: Downhome Culture Profiling


Did you hear about the Mississippi redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
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What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?
The good ol’ boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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What’s the most popular pick up line in Mississippi?
Nice tooth!
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How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and
the
person at the front desk says “go ahead.”
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How can you tell if a Alabama redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama
to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi? A documentary.
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Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell.
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Where was the toothbrush invented?
West Virginia. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called
a teethbrush.
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An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-
20 .
He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “’Bout what?”
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Montgomery , Alabama burned
down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Alabama :
When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
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What’s the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.
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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward
each
other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey, Tommy
Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?” “Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry
over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”
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Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
more?
‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted!


Thanks Pete C!

[Chad Johnson]

One day Dirk, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous brunette woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches Dirk and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigar?" "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a hand rolled camaroon, still in the tube. He takes it, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" Dirk, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Chad Johnson]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Pete C]

If Men TRULY ran the world:

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But
it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle'.

9. Instead of 'beer-belly', you'd get 'beer-biceps'.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You
know how fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is,I was spilling my beer
all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
eat the losers.

18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'.

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to 'I love you'.

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night', would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car, just like Fred Flintstone.

25. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards

[CobraDan]

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans."
Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List."

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

[CobraDan]

Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence:
A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.

Height of Unemployment:
Cob webs in the hole of the prostitute.

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology:
Condom with a zipper.

Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

[ERA535]

Subject: Valentine's Day Card.......


Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish, he asks, will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?

David's father thinks a bit, then says No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to? Osama Bin Laden, David says
. Why Osama Bin Laden, his father asks in shock?
Well, David says, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

I know, David says, and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the **** out of him

[ERA535]

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we’d be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, “Twelve.”
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, “A hundred and one.”
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn’t make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, “Seven.”
And once again from the very back was heard, “A hundred and one.”
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn’t going to answer. Finally she said, “Only one sir.”
And the professor said, “Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?”
“With the man on top and woman on the bottom,” she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, “A hundred and two!”


Thanks FiaMike!

[CobraDan]

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical."
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[CobraDan]

"I can't find it,"
REALLY MEANS: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work,"
REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing,"
REALLY MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain,"
REALLY MEANS: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately,"
REALLY MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late,"
REALLY MEANS: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"
REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,"
REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS: "You want me to stay awake."
"You know how bad my memory is,"
REALLY MEANS: "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

[ERA535]

Hey fellow jokester -some of these are duplicates. Gotta watch that!

[Pete C]

President "W" Bush gets an invite from the Queen to come and visit
her in England. One afternoon when drinking tea, he asks her what's
the secret of her success? She tells him that she relies on her people
a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent. She
decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair. "Now
listen carefully, Mr. Bush. I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question to
determine his intelligence."

On the phone she says, "Oh hello Mr. Blair, I have a question for
you. Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. This child
is not one of your brothers and is not one of your sisters. Who is he?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me."
"Correct. Thank you, Bye" said the Queen and she hangs up.
"Did you get that Mr. Bush?"
"Yes'm. Thanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"
Once back in the US he decides that he has doubts about some
Republicans and he's going to ask them the question. He arranges a
meeting with Jesse Helms, the Senator from North Carolina and asks him,
"Mr.. Helms, I know you're the Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee,
and I need to trust your judgment. I have a question for you. "

"Anything to stimulate the mind of this old Southerner," Helms
responds.

"Uhh, your mother has a child. And your father has a child. It is
not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" asks Bush.

Helms thinks. And he thinks. Then he responds, "Umm, Y'all must
gimme some time to think about it."

Bush decides to give him a day to come up with the correct
answer. That afternoon, Helms calls a meeting to discuss the question
and get an answer.

But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Jesse Helms family tree, to
no avail.

The next morning, he realizes that he has to give G Dub an answer
and as a last resort, he decides to phone Colin Powell.

"Colin, Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. It
is not your brother, and not your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "Hey, Jesse, it's me of course, you
dumb Cracker!"

Helms rushes to Bush's office, very impressed to know the answer
to such a difficult question! "Mr. Bush, I know! I know who it is! It is
Colin Powell!"

"No, you dumb ****. It's Tony Blair!"

[poorboy]

Just Helping Out......
The Value Of Undies: Hear's your weekly safety brief. Be careful of what you wear(or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.



From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove thier car to Walmart only to have thier car brake down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everthing back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head!!

[CobraDan]

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and you're not.
But you only have the one ass.


FEEL BETTER NOW?

[poorboy]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, " Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comford in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. On day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, " So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake---he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like haveing an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says. "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer??"

[CobraDan]

Did you hear about the guy from Tennessee who passed away and left
his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush.
A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.

[Dave Samson]

Married men live longer than single men,...
But married men are a lot more willing to die!

[CobraDan]

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This bull mated 120 times last
year." The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a bull with a sign saying, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day!" You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says "Go up and ask him if it was with the same
cow."

[JimsGems]

Two 8 year boy's were attending a wedding, and they were having a wonderful time. One of the young boy's asked the other about how many wifes a man could have? The other boy thought for a minute and said... 16. The other boy then asked... "why do you say 16? The other boy replied... 4 Better, 4 Worse, 4 Sickness & 4 in Health. Yup, that's 16!

[JimsGems]

Did ya know the Teliban is into BINGO? Yup, they are standing around looking up, saying... B-52, B-1, C-124, U-2, F-18, F-16! Now that my kind of BINGO!!!!