Joke of the Day...

[Gordon Claunch]

Friends,
>
>
>
>
> This past weekend, I was rushing around in Houston,Texas trying to do
> some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not
> thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold,
> and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that
> I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my
> breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching
> the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The
> crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He
> was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
> flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
> enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking
> that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
> He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family.
> He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he
> was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two
> full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.
> Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars
> to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't
> manage to get them anything on Christmas).
>
> The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
> second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
> siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even
> entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar
> bills and disappeared into the night.
> "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."
> "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the
> sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I
> inquired.
>
> The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
>
> I realized! that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
> cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
>
> Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
>
> Signed,
>
> Kenneth Lay
> Enron CEO
>

[CobraDan]

Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your
relatives to do the job.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening ...whatever.
Just never let the brain idle.
Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young...
that is all that you can afford. When they are in college...
that is all that you can afford. When they are grown and you are on
retirement...
that is all that you can afford!
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive
laughter.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life is ... ourselves.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies ... whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health. If it is good ... preserve it.
If it is unstable ... improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve ... get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign
country... but not guilt.
Tell the people you love, that you love them ... at every opportunity.
Remember ...
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

[Dave Samson]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[CobraDan]

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, ATF, etc...
Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now? The new agents in their black uniforms with the initials in large white letters across their backs?
FATASS

[chopper]

A blonde is hiking up through the woods when she comes to a stream. It's not too widebut she doesn't want to get her new hiking boots wet, so she walks upstream, hoping to find a bridge across the water. After a short walk, she spies another blonde standing on the far bank. She calls across the stream and asks "How do I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up and down the stream and answers "You already ARE on the other side."

[Trans-Am Jim]

A couple had been married for 20 years, but every time they had sex the husband insisted on turning out the lights. Eventually the wife decides this is stupid. So, one night while they were in the middle of the act, she turned on the table lamp. She looked down at her husband and was horrified to see he was doing her with a large dildo.

‘You impotent son of a b---h,’ she screamed, ‘how the f--k could you lie to me all these years? Explain yourself and it better be good.’

He looked her straight in the eyes and said, ‘I’ll explain the dildo if you explain the kids.’

[Dave Samson]

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with.


2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.


3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."


5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.


7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.


8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.


9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."


11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.


12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."


14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.


16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."


17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.


19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.


20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.


21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[Hotfingrs]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a
> lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
>
> "Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
tackle
> box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
>
> Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??
>
> "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
> "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
>
> "Ya, sure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
>
> "Could I see him?"
>
> Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. His friend says "Hey
dere!
> I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>
> "Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the
> genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting
> for his million bucks.
>
> Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
> overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not
> Ducks!"
>
> Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do
yew
> really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
>

[Hotfingrs]

Students at a Med School were receiving their first
> > > > anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are
> > > > all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> > > > covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started
> > > > the class by telling them:
> > > >
> > > > "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
> > > > qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is
> > > > necessary that you don't get disgusted."
> > > >
> > > > The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger
> > > > in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then
> > > > stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
> > > >
> > > > "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his
> > > > students. The students freaked out, hesitated and
> > > > subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the
> > > > butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing
> > > > it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
> > > > them and told them:
> > > >
> > > > "The second important quality is observation. I
> > > > inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay
> > > > attention people.

[CobraDan]

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[CobraDan]

A man and a woman were guests at a party.
They had been eyeing each other all night.
Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"Well yes!" answered the woman.
The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?" "Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."

[Hotfingrs]

Drawbacks to working in a cubicle

1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the
darn box all day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first
seeing who is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from
any kind of gun fire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right
button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work
right.

7) Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip
without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you
take your pants off.

8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts
thrown at me.

11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.


--

[Hotfingrs]

Q--What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the
ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
*Or Alternate answer--Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to
him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose
just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

[Dave Samson]

There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one
night. The first one says, "What a day I had today. The guy
wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his head flew into the
windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural."

Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think
that's bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he
was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces
back together!"

The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it
easy," he said. "I had this female parachutist whose chute
didn't open. She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week
just to wipe the smile off her face!"

[Hotfingrs]

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.

1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.

4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.

5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.

6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.

7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.

8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.

9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels

[CobraDan]

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval;
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless;
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model;
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[Gordon Claunch]

The Brothel
>
> The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
> slick looking,well-dressed, just past middle-age
> gentleman.
>
> "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
>
> "I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.
>
> "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
> perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie".
>
> Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man
> that she charges $1000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the
> man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The
> two went up to a room for an hour,whereupon the man calmly left.
> The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
> explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights
> in a row and that there were no discounts....it was
> still $1000.00 a visit.
>
> Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an
> hour later, he left.
>
> When he showed up the third consecutive night, no
> one could believe it.
>
> Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room
> they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned
> the man: "No one has ever used my services three
> nights in a row.
>
> Where are you from?"
>
> The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia".
>
> "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives
> there".
>
> "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died
> and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you
> your $3,000.00 inheritance".
>
> MORAL:
>
> Some things in life are certain:
>
> Death
>
> Taxes
>
> Being screwed by an attorney
>
>
>
>
>

[Dave Samson]

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do
at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled
hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?"
he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pu$$y".

[CobraDan]

** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? **

** Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? **

** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? **

** Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? **

** Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? **

** Why is a boxing ring square? **

** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? **

** Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? **

** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? **

** Wh! y ! is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio? **

** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons? **

** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? **

** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? **

** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? **

** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? **

** Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? **

** Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? **

** Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that
little indestructible black box is? **

** Can fat peopl! e ! go skinny-dipping? **

** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive? **

[CobraDan]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

"In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off!