Joke of the Day... - Page 30

CobraDan · #**581** (**permalink**) 03-25-2002, 03:22 AM

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 years."

Dave Samson · #**582** (**permalink**) 03-26-2002, 12:57 AM

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole
> was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop
> his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.
>
> "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill
> from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind
> the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.
>
> And then another! And another! And many more.
>
> Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills
> from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope
> that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)
>
> The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"
>
> And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"

CobraDan · #**583** (**permalink**) 03-26-2002, 03:55 AM

Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...
I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt, so I did....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I
did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, "Now go to town cowboy".... So here I am.

CobraDan · #**584** (**permalink**) 03-26-2002, 12:32 PM

(((ring ))) (((((((((ring-g-g-g-g))))))))))) ***pick up*** "Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy," .... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank
that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did
what you said, Daddy.
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the
front window an now she's dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.....but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too." ***long
pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-5790??

CobraDan · #**585** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 04:42 AM

Super Granny Defender of Justice (True Story)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top
of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car,
you scum bags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got
out and ran like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she
found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as
white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large
handgun.
No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments!

CobraDan · #**586** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 04:46 AM

Two Norwegians who worked at the garment factory were laid off. They went downtown together to file for unemployment.
The clerk asked the first Norwegian his occupation. "Panty Stitcher," he replied.
The clerk looked up panty Stitcher, found it listed under unskilled labor and wrote a check for $300 for one week's work.
The clerk asked the second Norwegian what his occupation was. "Diesel Fitter," he replied.
Since Diesel Fitter was listed as skilled labor, the clerk gave him a check for $600.
The Panty Stitcher became angry and demanded to know why his friend received more money.
"Well," the clerk explained. "Panty Stitcher is listed as unskilled labor and Diesel Fitter is listed as skilled labor."
"Him? Skilled?" exclaimed the Panty Stitcher. "I sew the elastic on the panties. He pulls on it and says, 'Oh, ja, diesel fitter.'"

Gordon Claunch · #**587** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 07:52 AM

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "**** woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

CobraDan · #**588** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 08:56 AM

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one
of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he
heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He then tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "it is
our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo
Wooooo!
Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a
girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there
was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It
is
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he
heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam
in his eyes and a smile on his face, He raced into the cave tearing off his
clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of Newspaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

RTTAB · #**589** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 04:02 PM

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have
been my
fault because I was a bit late
but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing
anything to
make him upset, but could
tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was
getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he
mad at
me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him.
Was
it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he
said
no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love
him,
and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that
meant
because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally got home and I was wondering if this gulf of understanding
could
be bridged. Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him
about it, but he just switched on the TV.

Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was
going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and
wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV
while I was in here going through emotional turmoil.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that
maybe he would open up after we
shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really
distracted.

So afterwards I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how
upset
I was!

I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know
what to
feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think
he
loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games
with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:

Played badly today - shot 83 - can't putt worth ####.
Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.

RTTAB

CobraDan · #**590** (**permalink**) 03-27-2002, 04:48 PM

And God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and
when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your
children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care
of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...

CobraDan · #**591** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 03:53 AM

15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

13. PMS lasts all month.

12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"

10. He yawns when you *itch about that guy hitting on you at work.

9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.

8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.

7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

6. Two weeks no orgasm.

5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.

4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.

And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

CobraDan · #**592** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 06:40 AM

THE STORY OF MAN... ANY MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So, I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 28, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 55 and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

Gordon Claunch · #**593** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 07:22 AM

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

Turk · #**594** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 08:06 AM

Subject: Inspirational Story

Last Christmas I was rushing around trying to finish shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the season. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot. As I was loading my car I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later, so I retraced my steps toward the mall entrance. I was scanning the wet pavement for the lost receipt when I heard a quiet sobbing. It was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill.

Thinking that he might just be lost, I asked if I could help. He told me his sad story.

He said he came from a large family.... Three brothers and four sisters.

His father died when he was nine. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made minimum wage, but had somehow saved two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

She dropped off the young lad on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. As he approached the mall a bigger boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

It was then that I realized no one was ever going to hear that kid’s cry for help.... So I grabbed his other hundred and took off!

Signed,
Kenneth Lay-ENRON

Turk · #**595** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 08:38 AM

Subject: Speeding ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

TURK

Turk · #**596** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 08:43 AM

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used, "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs.Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-six."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation
how a lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
congregation, and blurted out,

"I outlived the Sons of B!**es!"

TURK

CobraDan · #**597** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 09:06 AM

OVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Flyin_Freddie · #**598** (**permalink**) 03-29-2002, 09:36 AM

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. The man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine, a little agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Look, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I have told you twice already that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the U.S. Marine and said, "Oh, I understand it alright, but I just love hearing it."

The marine guard smiled and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

CobraDan · #**599** (**permalink**) 03-30-2002, 04:35 AM

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date. Now I know why the Australian Cobra Club guys are always smiling.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom!
Shouldn't be too hard.

Stan Brown · #**600** (**permalink**) 03-30-2002, 08:06 PM

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up,
they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat there and waited for an answer... for a couple of

months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, what if it doesn't't't work? Are we stuck together
FOREVER? Finally after several months, St. Peter returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON !!!" St. Peter shouts, " It took me three months to

find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find
a lawyer?