Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

[CobraDan]

A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
doctor told her of a new procedure called, "The Knob." This small knob is
planted
on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to
produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman
wanted
"The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
the
knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
developed
two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[CobraDan]

In ______, you fill in your state.

A fellow stopped at a gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his
cola and watched two men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole 2
or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. "Hold it" he said to the men. "Can
you tell me what's going on here with the digging?" "Well, we're union and we work for the state" one of the men stated. "But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?" "You don't understand, mister" one of the
workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally, there's three of us--me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole. Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me shouldn't work!"

[Chad Johnson]

A married couple is driving (55 mph) down the interstate. The
wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been
married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases to 60 mph.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up to 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, speeding to 80
mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"

[BT SNAKE]

A police officer was cruising along behind a car that kept
increasing his speed. The officer finally puts on the lights
after the guy reached 75MPH in a 40 zone. It still took
awhile before the guy pulled over. After he was stopped the officer approached the car and asked for driverss license and
registration. It was real close to shift change for the officer
and he really didn't want to make an arrest. He went
back to the driver and said "If you can give me one good
reason as to why you were speeding I'll let you go with
a warning. The driver said " well officer it's like this, my
wife ran away with a police officer last week and I
thought you were trying to bring her back.

Hersh

[CobraDan]

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

[CobraDan]

A man enters the confessional and says: " Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for
the last month."
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest
thinks. This is the third confession today. Then, he tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice
a week for the last two months." This time the priest has to ask, "Who is
Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie Green?
The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,
when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon
her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest. Her dress is green and way too short with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes
and dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The altar boy's eyes are
popping out of his head, as he replies, "No, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."

[CobraDan]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing
next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and
says, "Seven feet tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner
Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels
down and brings him aound by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks,
"Are you okay?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just
say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured
I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm seven
feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs.each,
and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God!!!! I thought you said "Turn Around!".

[Chad Johnson]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched
down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

[Stan Brown]

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."



Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black lab

[CobraDan]

A man goes to visit his grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?", asks the grandson.
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10:00, they bring me
a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.....and that's it. I go out like
a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
the floor operation counter to question the Sister Superior in charge.

"What are you people doing?", asks the grandson. "I'm told you're giving my
95 year old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be
true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10:00 we give him a cup of
hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot
chocolate makes him sleep like a baby and the Viagra stops him from rolling
out of bed."

[CobraDan]

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the truck.
From now on, we're going to run this house same way.
When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say bell 3, we're going to make love all night!"
The next night the fireman came home from work. He yelled,
"Bell 1!" His wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

[Flyin_Freddie]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?

3. Why do we say something is out of 'whack'? What's a 'whack'?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'broker'?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a 'pianist', but a person who drives a race car not called a 'racist'?

12. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

13. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced 'onety-one'?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime who lives next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is 'NAIVE'?

31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

[CobraDan]

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store.
Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

[Hotfingrs]

Jim and Roger were patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Roger promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Rogers heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Roger the news he said, "Roger, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Roger replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[Hotfingrs]

I would like to encourage each and everyone of you to seriously consider the charity described below.
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level.

More tragic, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month*, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need.

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between vacationing in Fiji and owning it. It will enable him or her to trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari without jeopardizing those jealously guarded "retirement" accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans. To you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note, or a second mortgage payment.

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his/ her stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio grow exponentially--and that's just his disclosed assets!

Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned) - for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00. Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other people's suffering.

Your Enron exec will be told that he/she has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. And there will be those. As poor Mrs. Ley so sincerely reported, her husband somehow managed to misplace over $100 million that he received in just the last 2 years. Stephen King couldn't script a scenario more frightening.

I'd write more, but I'm having trouble seeing through my tears. Thank you for your expression of love.

SALLY STRUTHERS

*Per special regulation passed in closed session this past year, contributions are tax-deductible only to recipients.

[renaissance man]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,
"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins!

[RTTAB]

That time O the Month

Hormone hostage


Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

RTTAB

[CobraDan]

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously over looked something.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people and kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[Hotfingrs]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?


If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then, H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But, A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And, B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%



So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.