Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man,
very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on
his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth,
head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning
softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to
try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man
again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to
him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours
buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

[xlr8or]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary, who was a blonde, for some mathematical
help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University
of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

[xlr8or]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is
a
guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter asks the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the
minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says to the minister, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets
a
silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people
slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[xlr8or]

Dear Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment of
the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. And,
we sincerely appreciate that you've already copied Hillary.

As part of the Administration's Liberal Empathy Training Program, you'll be
pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee
under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to
your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant
to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It
will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct
weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually
being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that
do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative,
although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely
remedied.

Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised
efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling
and home schooling.

He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human
life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest
that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge
party. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your
maid's daily routine.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does
not play well with others".

Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,
assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should
help with your water bill.

Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.

You take good care of our detainee now.

George

[xlr8or]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother
bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the
floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the
dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your
man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she
emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit
dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a
thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed
away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "**** woman!" as he stepped further away. "If
that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't
want to throw any meat at it!"

[xlr8or]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an
interest in the activity going on next door and started talking
with the workers. She hung around and eventually the
construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important. At the end of the first week they
even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank
the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a
construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever
bring us the ****in' drywall," replied the little girl.

[xlr8or]

Subject: Got kids?

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For
those
who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house

4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman

cape. But it is strong enough, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on
all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times

before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even if TV commercials show they

do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

[xlr8or]

First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and
said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw tobuild my
house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
Holy
****! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes

[CobraDan]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison.

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
were sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of
the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared that he was
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his
bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just
cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you,
just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I
love you."

The wife responded, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're
right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck, he was
whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if
we keep the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."

[CobraDan]

Wrong Email address


A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE, ABOUT TO TAKE THEIR VACATION TOGETHER, WERE FORCED
TO BY THEIR JOBS, ARRIVE AT THEIR VACATION SITE IN FLORIDA A DAY APART.

THE HUSBAND, WHO ARRIVED FIRST, DECIDED TO SEND AN E-MAIL TO HIS WIFE FROM
THE HOTEL. HE SENT THE E-MAIL EVEN THOUGH HE WAS UNSURE OF THE EXACT
ADDRESS.

MEANWHILE, A FAMILY IN A SMALL TOWN SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA HAD JUST LAID THEIR
ELDERLY FATHER TO REST THE PREVIOUS DAY. HIS WIDOW, THE GRANDMOTHER, WAS
CHECKING HER E-MAILS FOR SYMPATHY CARDS, WHEN HER CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN
HEARD A LOUD SHRIEK. THEY RUSHED INTO GRANDMA'S ROOM AND FOUND
HER INSENSIBLE ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER.

THE E-MAIL THEY SAW ON THE SCREEN READ: " DARLING, I JUST ARRIVED! I AM
LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. BOY! IT SURE IS HOT HERE!"

[bonyhadi]

WARNING:
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," or "IRS," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam
around this time every year.

Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for
he operation of essential functions of the American government.

This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your
regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work
projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of hundreds of billions. Don't fall for this scam!

[CobraDan]

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."

[bonyhadi]

Only in America!!
The Stella Awards - America at its very best!
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered
third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award The "Stella" Award - for the
most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win
anything!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture
store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't
notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up
since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation. Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was
on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage
was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out
her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the
back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

[CobraDan]

The Farmer and The CowA farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and
asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied
her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

[bonyhadi]

While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and
a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing' all right."

Indian: Look of shock Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at
Indian.

Dog:: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing
at Indian Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your
sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Jamo]

Daniel
Well at least you gave me a heads up with your e-mail--somehow I knew you'd post it.

EVERY SHEEP I'VE KNOWN IS A LIAR!

[CobraDan]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I
want you to send her the word,
'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow. -
"com-for-da-bul".

[blykins]

Alright...I'll contribute to this one...


A guy was feeling rather "randy" (no offense Mr. Klein : ) ) and decided he'd go visit the local cathouse for some fun. Upon talking to the madame, he found out he was $50 short for a $100 session with one of the girls. So he struck a deal with the woman.

He told her, "Tell ya what. If I sleep with one of your girls, and tell you exactly how many guys she's been with today, then you have to let me have her for free. If I'm wrong, then I'll give you my $50 and come back in a couple days with the balance. Deal?"

The madame sat and scratched her head...of course thinking that no one would be able to tell anything like that. So she agreed and they shook on it.

She pointed to one of her girls standing behind her and the man took her upstairs. After about 30 minutes, the man came down and approached the madame.

"She's been with 7 guys today."

The madame was in complete shock as she checked her records for the day and found he was completely correct. She agreed to let the man go for free, but she wanted to know how he did it.

She asked him, "How can you tell that from sleeping with a girl? Is it the friction heat? Is it how sore she is? Is it how tired she is? Or was it just a guess?"

"Easy." said the man. "I just drank her douche-water and counted the lumps as it went down."

TADA!!!

[bonyhadi]

"Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads "

" WOMEN'S ADS "

40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............No chest
Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated............ Banged her Poly-sci professor
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Feminist............ Fat ballbuster
Free spirit......... Junkie
Friendship first.....slut
Fun..................Annoying
Gentle...............Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age..............It's a mess down there
Old-fashioned....... Lights out, no BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Poet.................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.........Certified *****
Redhead..............Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Wants Soulmate...... Stalker


" MEN'S ADS "

40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Free Spirit..........Banging your sister
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

[CobraDan]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.