Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
No, from all that skipping."

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
You are on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
atnight!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consisted of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour
she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks her
what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking
my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight
home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[CobraDan]

A Doctor was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk.
The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine, I put some on a lady this morning and she passed a baby."
Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell Doc, that's nothing, I put some on my dogs a$$ and he passed a motorcycle!"

[CobraDan]

Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her Jewelry
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.

[bonyhadi]

Frank was so excited to be going bear
hunting. He spotted a small brown bear
and shot it. Then there was a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a
big black bear. The black bear said "You've
got two choices. I either maul you to death
or we have sex." Frank decided to with the
latter.

Well, Frank vowed revenge. He headed out
on another trip where he found the black
bear and shot it. There was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear
stood right next to him. The grizzly said
"That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've
got two choices. Either I maul you to death
or we'll have sex." Again, Frank thought
it was better to comply.

Several months later, still outraged he
headed back to the woods, managed to track
down the grizzly and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
on his shoulder. He turned round to find
another giant bear standing there. The
bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't
come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Flyin_Freddie]

A bit dated, but still one of my personal favorites....

Three explorers were in deepest, darkest Africa working for an oil company when they were captured by a local band of natives. They were hauled back to the natives camp and put on display where they were subjected to all kinds of humiliation. Finally, after several days of this public torture, they were cut down and dragged to a small hut where they huddled together awaiting their fate.

Several more days went by and finally, early one morning amid great fanfare and drum beating, the tribal Witch Doctor shows up. He's dressed in a feathered headress, with monkey heads on a rope around his waist, and he's holding a scepter with a human skull on it in his hand. As he steps into the hut, the drums outside reach a crescendo and stop....all goes completely silent in the encampment.

The Witch Doctor looks as the first poor explorer and says, "You have a choice: Death by Fire or you may have Chi-Chi!".

The explorer thinks for a moment, "Nothing can be more fearful than death by fire," he thinks, "so how bad could this Chi-Chi be?". So he replies to the Witch Doctor, "I'll take Chi-Chi!" . The Witch Doctor exits the hut, raises his scepter to the assembled crowd of natives and shouts "Chi-Chiiiiiiiiiii!".

Well, the natives all scream and holler, the drums start pounding, and two of them come in and drag the first explorer out. Unseen by the other two explorers, they drag him away and tie him face down over an altar with his butt stuck up in the air. One by one they all take turns sodomizing him...one after another until the entire camp had had their way with him...Booom-boom-booom-booom! When they finally cut him down hours later, his recturm is all torn and shattered, spurting blood and he dies in a twitching fit.

Well, since the other two explorers couldn't see any of what was going on, they still had no idea. Another day passes leaving the two men to ponder their fate, while the natives continue to dance around the hut and chant all night long. The next day, amid more drum pounding and crazed dancing, the Witch Doctor appears before the two men again. "Death by Fire, or Chi-Chi?" he asks again. One of the men says, "Death by fire must be terrible and I don't think I can stand it, so I'll take Chi-Chi, too." When the Witch Doctor leaves them, he again raises his scepter and all falls quiet. He shouts to natives..."Chi-Chiiiiii!"

Well, the entire camp goes nuts again....drums start pounding and two more natives come in and drag the second explorer out and tie him face down on the same altar. They rip his pants off and once again, every native starts pounding into his ass....one by one...it lasts for hours before the finally cut him down. Like the first, he's reduced a twitching mass of jelly and bleeds to death from his rectum. Not a pretty sight. The entire camp spent the rest of the day and night beating their drums, chanting and dancing around the hut where the third explorer is waiting for his visit from the dreaded Witch Doctor.

Sure enough, on the third morning, the Witch Doctor comes in to the final explorer. The chanting that had been going on all night ceased, and the drums that had been pounding all night fall silent as he repeats the choices to the ill-fated man. "Death by Fire, or Chi-Chi?", came the question.

Well, by this time the third explorer still had only heard the fates of both his friends and decided that even though he still didn't know what Chi-Chi was it must be a terrible death, he thought, possibly even worse than death by fire. So, after careful deliberation, he responds to the Witch Doctor, "I'll take fire...".

Once again the Witch Doctor steps from the hut and raises both his arms to the tribe. They stop and look closely for some sort of sign. The Witch Doctor shouts...."Death by FIRE!" and the crown again goes nuts. But, the Witch Doctor again raises his scepter and once again the crowd falls silent....drums stop and the explorer could hear even the insects in the jungle go silent.

The Witch Doctor says...." .....but first, CHI-CHIIIIIIIIIIII !"

[CobraDan]

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play, except Yanni CD's. With them it doubles the volume.

It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and then notify the authorities.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your good beer and replace it I.C. Light.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will talk nasty about your mother.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card the only card stripe it didn't demagnetize.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles-- but, on the plus side, they're kosher dills.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection. Beware.

[blykins]

Man, I wondered what that was...thanks for helping me figure it out...hehehe

[CobraDan]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, butthat airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the ten dollars.
The ride is free." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[bonyhadi]

.

[bonyhadi]

.

[CobraDan]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

[CobraDan]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

[CobraDan]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[CobraDan]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over
at
his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I
bet
your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to
fire
up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".

[CobraDan]

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly
funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto
makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four
wheel drive pick-up trucks they have manufactured. This
was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in
61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SH!T!"
Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia,
Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were
different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold
my beer and watch this."

[CobraDan]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[CobraDan]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,"you
CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[CobraDan]

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.
He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. He tells the architect, "I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."
The architect, excited about making mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants," I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"
All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.
Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home.
"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican.
As he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.
"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.
"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"
"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.
"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, "halo?... statue?"

[CobraDan]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart a$$ jock leans back in his chair & asks,"what about extreme sexual exhaustion"?
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, You can write with your other hand

[bonyhadi]

here is my UPS truck bringing new goodies.....