Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

darn, couldn't get the jpeg to post.

[bonyhadi]

Children's Tales NOT - for children

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "who needs a girlfriend?"

CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I
can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."

MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I
said she's f''g Goofy."

SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face sceaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

[CobraDan]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"I don't know," the second boy answered.
"But every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."

[CobraDan]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints, received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh**ting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh**.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my f**king problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f**king meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh**.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f**king prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting b**ch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.

If you have any questions concerning this memo please contact your department head. They in turn will kiss my butt, and then maybe I will do something.

Ima Reilly-Biggadorke
President and CEO

[CobraDan]

"LOOK MOM"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout
from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

*************************
TOOTHBRUSH LOGIC

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago."

*************************
ADVANCE DISCLAIMER

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

*************************
BUSY RIGHT NOW!

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."

*************************
DEER HUNTING

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my
family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one
evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be
nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

*************************
ZIPPER SECRET

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said,
"is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you
try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

*************************
SNOW WHITE

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for
the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling
apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the
poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple
rolled away, My daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin
either."

*************************
NEW & SCARY SIGHT

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

*************************
CANDLE WISHES

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and
her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about
the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one.
She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition
or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday
candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

*************************
SUNDAY PERFORMANCE

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother,
sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words
silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the
world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice
said, "My mother is the light of the world."

*************************
A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old
Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many
wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a
man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it
say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

[Gordon Claunch]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Stan Brown]

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to amuse.

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammer.

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

16. Why are the Chinese so smart?
No blondes.

[CobraDan]

After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate escapes.
The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the institution's laundry to dry.
He takes her, satisfies his urges and dashes on to freedom.
The local newspaper ran the following headline:
"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS"

[CobraDan]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.
The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

[RTTAB]

.

[CobraDan]

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Louisiana and Florida. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Boobs

Dan

[CobraDan]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself
in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
sugg estions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

[CobraDan]

KFRA prominent English Doctor was visiting an American hospital. During
his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly,
vigorously masturbating.

"My God," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of
this?"

The doctor leading the tour explained. "This man was diagnosed with a
serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't
relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure
incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."

"Yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he was quite familiar
with the condition.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male
patient a blow job.

"Good God," said the doctor, "How do you explain this?"

The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

[CobraDan]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smiththe picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Jack Zupan]

A young lady who taught the sixth grade was recently married to a fellow who loved to hunt and brought home a deer every year. The teacher thought she would fix some venison steak, cut it into cubes and let her class sample the meat since it's somewhat different from everyday fare. So she goes to class the next day and let's the kids eat the meat. When they all had a chance to taste it, she asked " What kind of meat do you think this is?" A girl in the back said, beef. No, she said. Another girl said, chicken. No, try again. A boy said, pork. No she said, I'll give you a hint, it's what your mommy calls your daddy when they go to bed at night. A boy in the back of the room yells out, "spit it out you guys, it's an asshole".

[bonyhadi]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any
charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV
special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a
million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The
charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player
is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the
curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the
other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William
Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's
the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how
he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the
positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William
Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

[bonyhadi]

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying the Pacific Ocean
when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island
and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their
village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they
have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that
person his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun
fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who
immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and
the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of
escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen
who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the
Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in
the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to
kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks
the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in
the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks
him as hard as he can.

With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the
other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and
say:"If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the
State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient
provocation?"
************************************************** ****************************

[CobraDan]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

[bonyhadi]

> > CHINESE PROVERBS
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > War does not determine who is right, war determine who
> > is left.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
> > house.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to
> > fill it.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
> > basement.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[CobraDan]

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes