Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican
restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter
replied,and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No,sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied
exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

[CobraDan]

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

[bonyhadi]

More Military Sayings Involving The F Word:

FTN - **** the Navy!
DILLIGAFF - Do I Look Like I Give A Flying ****?
WTF - What The ****?
WFC - Who ****ing Cares?
FOAD - **** Off And Die
HMFIC - Head Mother ****er In Charge
HMFICC - Head Mother ****er In Complete Control
RTFQ/WTFA - Read The ****ing Question/Write The ****ing Answer.
ATQ/ATMFQ = Answer The (MF) Question
FRED - ****ing Ridiculous Electronic Device, or ****ing Remedials
Every Day
OMGIF - Oh, My God, I'm ****ed!
FFSSFIU - Five ****ing Supervisors, Still ****ed It Up
FNG - ****ing New Guy
REMF- Rear Echelon Mother ****er
NFG - No ****ing Good
LIFER - Lazy Idiotic ****er Expecting Retirement
FIJPFI - **** It, Just Plain **** It
FYVM - **** You Very Much
WIDAFU - When In Doubt, Always **** Up
SOOFC - Still Out Of ****ing Commission
AMF - Adios Mother ****er ***see below
NMFJ - Not My ****ing Job
HFS - Hot ****ing ****
NFS - No ****ing ****

[CobraDan]

There was this gas station in "redneck country"trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were
close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close
but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[Jack Zupan]

>
> Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
> He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap
> on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black
> bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices....either I
> maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank
> decided to accept to the latter.
>
> Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
> revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and
> shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time
> a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was
> a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.
> Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Again, Frank thought it
> was better to cooperate.
>
> Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally
> recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down
> the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a
> tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear
> standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit
> it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
>
>
>
>

[bonyhadi]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

[CobraDan]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[CobraDan]

The other day, my friends and I went to this Male Strip Joint.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over.
I took out my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks and went home.

[Flyin_Freddie]

You said you went to a "...Male Strip Joint..."?

You did....? Oooooo-kay....

Guys, watch out for CobraDan....don't bend over near him, and watch your 6, okay?

[Clois Harlan]

Hey F F

I knew he was a little mixed up when I saw he was running a bow tie. But I like his opportunist behavior. However, I don't think that ATM card will ever be the same.

[xlr8or]

So that's where the brown stripe on the back of the card comes from...
Always wondered about that.

[little greg]

I bet you didn't know that the Pope was a hot rod guy. When they delivered his souped up POPE MOBILE the pope directed his chauffer to bring the car around for a test drive. The pope kept trying to get the chauffer to REALLY test out this new hot rod but to no avail. Finally the pope said "Pull this thing over, I'll show you how to test out a hot rod!!" Racing through the streets of Rome a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket. When the cop went back to the precinct he began bragging about giving a ticket to "Mr. Big". When they asked him who it was, he looked a little confused then said "Well I don't really know--but the Pope was his chauffer!!!!"

[CobraDan]

Actually it was the wife that went with her friends to the strip joint, but if I can make $60 bucks I'll be joining her. I just got a new card just for you Freddie, it's seems to be a lot larger than most cards. See you at our next meeting, soooon I hope.

Dan

[Flyin_Freddie]

I don't take credit cards, Dan. If you want me, you'll pay cash money, and lots of it...!

[CobraDan]

Freddie,
My plastic is as good as gold, come winter time you will be glad to come on down for a little vacation and try out my new MasterVisa card

Dan

[CobraDan]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who

is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".

Dan

[CobraDan]

Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went into the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I replied: "Not bad I guess."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back east to see some friends and just try to relax..."
Then I hear the person say: "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering."

[CobraDan]

One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[CobraDan]

Skinny Dipping

This fellow had owned this large farm

for several years.

He had a large pond in the back forty,

had it fixed up nice, picnic tables,

horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down

to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while

and look it over. As he neared the pond,

he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw

it was a bunch of young women

skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him,

"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied,

"I didn't come down here

to watch you ladies swim

or get out of the pond,

I only came to feed my alligators!"

[CobraDan]

Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school.
"What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.
Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready.
Grandmother walked past her granson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."