Joke of the Day...

[Mark IV]

A very wealthy man was on his deathbed. He called his three best and most trusted friends and confidants to his side, his doctor, his minister and his lawyer.

"Despite common belief, I think you can take your wealth with you" he declared to his friends. "I am asking each of you to do me this final favor" whereupon he gave each an envelope that contained $250,000.00 in cash. "At my burial I want each of you to place the envelope in my casket so that I may take this with me to my next life".

Sure enough he soon passed on and word of his request spread quickly. At the graveside service the doctor fist stepped forward and tossed his envelope into the casket. The enevelope broke open on contact and it was clearly obvious that there was much less then $250,00.00 in the evelope. The gathered crowd buzzed.
The doctor blushed and stammered "I-I-I think he will be pleased to know that I have bought a new CAT scan machine for the hospital in his name."

With this the minister stepped forward and tossed his envelope into the coffin. It too broke open and it was clear that there was MUCH less than $250,000.00 in the envelope. Once more the crowd gasped. The minister ezxclaimed " I am sure he will be more pleased to know that the money has gone to the church for good works!"

The lawyer then stepped forward, he turned and looked at the doctor and minister. Holding his envelope high he said
"I am ashamed to be in your company, our friend gave us a sacred trust on his deathbed and you have broken that trust, you have disgraced your professions. I want everyone here to know, that in this envelope, is a CHECK for the full amount!"

[Clois Harlan]

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get
to know the kids by asking them their names and what their parents do for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman and my mommy sells Tupperware."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my daddy is a doctor and my mommy is a lawyer."

The next kid says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in* a cabaret for gay men and my mommy is a hooker."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar and that his Mom is a hooker.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my Mom is an accountant for Enron and Dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

[CobraDan]

The Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[BLACKJACK]

RENE DESCARTES WALKS INTO A BAR AND SITS DOWN.

THE BARTENDER ASKS: "CAN I GET YOU A DRINK ?"

DESCARTES REPLYS: "I THINK NOT - - - -".

AND "POOF" - HE DISAPPEARS.


Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK

[bonyhadi]

ttle Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one

day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not

much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a

few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much time, he

asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale.

The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."

Johnny replied, "I'll take three then."

When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to

one-dollar and six cents.

Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you

told me they were three for a dollar."

The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them."

Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

[CobraDan]

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little
baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack
to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little
Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby
was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not
say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we
get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the
baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little
baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly
surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see
good?"

A bit bewildered, the Mother hesitantly replies, "Why, yes...his doctor said
he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause that little f*cker can't
wear glasses!!!!

[CobraDan]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns, there
standing right next to her is a salesman.

Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of
this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh!t
when you hear the price."

[CobraDan]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally hear so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady being smarter than a man thought for a moment and said,"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[CobraDan]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people
words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN! Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Ron thought
about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie
the SH!T"!

[CobraDan]

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look
and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that
child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
----------------------------------------------
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,"But I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
----------------------------------------------
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered."Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
----------------------------------------------
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same
as I'm doing to his business."
______________________________________________
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I..... I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky."Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"

[bonyhadi]

40 Years Of Frustration

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their
rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps
his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[CobraDan]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...
words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook......."

[CobraDan]

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man,
"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[bonyhadi]

OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
>>
>> 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
>> to as:
>> A. Lovemaking.
>> B. Screwing.
>> C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
>>
>> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
>> after you've both shared:
>> A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
>> B. Your blood-test results.
>> C. Five tequila slammers.
>>
>> 3. You time your orgasm so that:
>> A. Your partner climaxes first.
>> B. You both climax simultaneously.
>> C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
>>
>> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>> A. Healthy, creative love-play.
>> B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
>> C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
>> find out about.
>>
>> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
>> sex with is:
>> A. The best part of the experience.
>> B. The second best part of the experience.
>> C. $100 extra.
>>
>> 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the
>> last month. You tell her that it is:
>> A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
>> B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
>> C. A conservative estimate.
>>
>> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>> A. A myth.
>> B. An oxymoron.
>> C. A moron.
>>
>> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>> A. An appetizer is to entree.
>> B. Primer is to paint.
>> C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
>>
>> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
>> saying at the end of a relationship?
>> A. "I hope we can still be friends."
>> B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>> C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
>>
>> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>> A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
>> that sort of intimacy.
>> B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
>> C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
>> place.
>>
>> Evaluating Results:
>> If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
>> make sure you really ARE a man.
>>
>> If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
>> You're a little confused.
>>
>> If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[CobraDan]

Two blondes are in heaven:
One blond says to another, "How did you die"?

" I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[CobraDan]

Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, 'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'
The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid,
'What if your dad was a fag**t and your mom a prostitute?!'
Johnny smiled and said, 'I would be a bus driver!'

[bonyhadi]

>> How most organizations and offices operate:
>>
>> 1. In the beginning was the Plan.
>>
>> 2. And then came the Assumptions,
>>
>> 3. And the Assumptions were without form.
>>
>> 4. And the Plan was without Substance.
>>
>> 5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
>>
>> 6. And they spoke among themselves saying,
>> "It is a crock of **** and it stinks."
>>
>> 7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and
>> said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live
>> with the smell."
>>
>> 8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
>> "It is a container of organic waste and it is very
>> strong such that none may abide by it."
>>
>> 9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
>> "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its
>> strength."
>>
>> 10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to
>> one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth
>> and it is very strong."
>>
>> 11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying
>> unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."
>>
>> 12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying
>> unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth
>> and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
>>
>> 13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it
>> was good.
>>
>> 14. And the Plan became Policy.
>>
>> 15. And this is how **** happens...
>>
>

[CobraDan]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper to roll your own.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

[bonyhadi]

A Refresher Course for Americans

a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c . Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z . "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

[CobraDan]

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"