Joke of the Day... - Page 40

CobraDan · #**781** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 05:05 AM

Little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh!t onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse Sh!t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

bonyhadi · #**782** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 08:43 AM

http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/driving.cfm
<a href="http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/driving.cfm">AOL Link</a>

Gordon Claunch · #**783** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 11:36 AM

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas
> all
> his life,
> an old codger decided it was time to visit the big
> city. In one
> of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> Not knowing
> what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a
> picture of
> my daddy."
>
> He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he
> remembered his
> wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it
> in
> the barn,
> and every morning before leaving for the fields, he
> would go
> there and look at it.
>
> Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to
> the barn.
>
> One day after her husband left, she searched the
> barn
> and found
> the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she
> fumed, "So that's
> the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."

bonyhadi · #**784** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 12:13 PM

A man had been in a terrible car accident,
and woke up in the hospital. Looking around,
he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed.
"Jesus doc," the man exclaimed,
"what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car
accident, and you're in the hospital, but
don't worry, you're going to be all right.
The bad news is that we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead.
I can't go through life without my arm.
Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like
this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles
of modern medicine today, we can give you a
Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars,
and it looks and works just like the real thing.
Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the
hell am I gonna get a million bucks.
I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been
looking for a case like yours for a while now.
We just came up with a new arm. For only ten
thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks
just like the more expensive one, but the only
difference is that this one has a small
microphone built into it, and you have to TELL
the arm what to do.
Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford
ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same
bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again.
"Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all
right?"

"We think that the operation was a success,"
replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try
it out, and let us know if there are any problems
with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed,
practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he
commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right."
The arm moved to the right. "Move left."
The arm moved to the left.
Everything seemed to be working without a
hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a
sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john.
"Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm
obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he
was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave
it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said,
"that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

(Ouch....)

Jamo · #**785** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 06:03 PM

CobraDan--

Ok--here's one...

A blonde drives her older Porsche to the garage--it stumbles and dies as the mechanic comes out. "Can you fix it?" she asks.

The mechanic says he'll take a look, lifts the hood and spends a few moments. "Start her up," he tells her. It starts instantly and purrs like a kitten.

"What was the problem?" blondie asks.

"No big problem, just crap in the carburator," says the mechanic.

"How many times a week do I have to do that?" asks the blond.

"

Jamo · #**786** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 06:20 PM

A guy with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor. "Doc, I gotta do something about this--women don't want anything to do with me."

The doctor checks it and runs a couple of tests and finally tells the guy "There's nothing wrong with you medically, and I'm afraid surgery's out of the question--we can't take that much out of it. However, I do know of a witch in the forest that might be able to help you if you want to give her a try."

The guy gets the directions to the witch's house from the doctor and goes to visit her. After she sees what the problem is--she tells him "there's a pond beyond the forest in which a magic frog lives. Ask the frog to marry you. When the frog says 'no', it will reduce the size of your penis by five inches."

The guy finds the pond, and the frog. "Will you marry me?" he asks. The frog responds "No!" The guy looks at his penis and finds that it has shrunk 5 inches, and is now 15 inches long. He decides that 10 inches would be perfect, so he figures he'll ask one more time. "Will you marry me?"

The frog responds "What, don't you understand English? No! No! No!"

bonyhadi · #**787** (**permalink**) 05-26-2002, 08:04 PM

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Restroom Policy
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines.
Effective Feb. 25, 2000 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a
consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each
employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit
of 20 points.
RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with
personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition.
During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to management.
The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb.
Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It
will be restrictive starting March 1, 2000.

If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will
not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll
retractor.
If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will
sound throughout the entire building.
A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public
announcing system the name of the delinquent employee.
Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush
and the restroom door will automatically open.
If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the
restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console)
will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated.
If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your
supervisor.

Thank You!
Management
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A woman recently lost her husband and had him cremated.
She brought his ashes home and poured them out on the
counter. Then she started talking to him, tracing her fingers in
the ashes and said, "You know that fur coat you promised
me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!" Then she
continued, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I bought that with the insurance money too!" Still
tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember
that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes!"

CobraDan · #**788** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 06:17 AM

The owner of a golf course in a small town in central Louisiana was confused
about paying an invoice.

Realizing that he had a highly educated blonde secretary on the payroll, he
decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office on Bolton Ave. and said, "You graduated from
LSU. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

CobraDan · #**789** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 06:23 AM

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of toast, greens and pan fried potatoes. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the tofu sandwiches his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried mustard...
so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

bonyhadi · #**790** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 11:53 AM

Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady came
in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other
and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no,
she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw
a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind
the counter are looking at it upside down as
she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter
laughing so hard in hysterics.

One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call
it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so
damned funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

Note: If you read "710" upside down....it is spells OIL!!

bonyhadi · #**791** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 12:20 PM

Michael offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman
seated at the end bar. She gives him the green light,
so Michael goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the
bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put
some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of
Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Michael Shrugging his shoulders, and says, OK, put
some of that in her drink.

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy,
really warming up to the Michael.
Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and
whispers in his ear,
.....Let's go shopping.

CobraDan · #**792** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 01:15 PM

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."

Reminds me, Honey I'll be there soooooooooon

bonyhadi · #**793** (**permalink**) 05-27-2002, 10:34 PM

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep
are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that
the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and
tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

CobraDan · #**794** (**permalink**) 05-28-2002, 04:50 PM

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

bonyhadi · #**795** (**permalink**) 05-28-2002, 05:02 PM

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was
getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She
asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to
get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if
you're out there, hand me the broom'.

DAVID GAGNARD · #**796** (**permalink**) 05-28-2002, 07:11 PM

I just received this e-mail from my younger brother in Draper (suburb of Salt Lake City) Utah. He and his family are leaving for a visit with us here in Louisiana and then on to florida for a two week vacation....Enjoy his itenerary...Patty is his wife and Dawn is his 17 year old daughter.....

Leave UT Wednesday morning, plan to leave out by 6:00 am, get out actually at 7:30am, I-15 south to Provo (25 miles) stop for Patty to Pee. Go south more on 1-15...stop at Nephi for Dawn to pee (she wouldn't wake up in Provo to go pee)...Go to Hwy 50 go left, go to I-70..stop for both girls to pee...go left keep going..going..going..to Moab road, take a right (stop for girls to pee again)..go to Moab and get gas, everyone pees. Go south to Monticello, then cut across to 4 corners area thru Colorado. Stop at Cortez for gas and pee (since the next gas station is 200+ miles away) Go to Shiprock (New Mexico--Navajo Indian Reservation)...keep going thru absolutely nothing to Gallup..stop for gas and meal at Sonic. Every body pees again. Go left on I-whatever to Albequrque..stop for girls to pee..get back on blankety blank I-whatever to Tucumcari, stop for gas and peeing..continue on another hour and whatever to Amarillo...stop at hotel..uh sorry we are full, go to 20 other hotels that are full before you find the one behind the truck stop that was built 70 years ago...it smells like pee...crash for about 6 hours...tell the kids to wake up so we can go at 6:00 am, tell the kids to wake up so we can go at 6:15 am, tell the kids to really wake up so we can go at 6:30 am, tell the kids they better wake up we are late already at 6:45 am, tell the kids we really need to leave and wake up at 7:00 am, tell the kids to wake up for breakfast at mcdonalds at 7:15 am...kids in car at 7:15 and 30 seconds am...go south on highway thru a million little towns with speed traps until you get to Decatur TX...eat at dairy queen fill up at Exxon...everybody pees at dairy queen and exxon. go to Denton, then south thru Dallas and turn left to go to shreveport. stop in Longview to pee...go another hour, stop in shreveport to pee and get gas and eat at mcdonalds...go to Alexandria, stop to pee...go south on interstate to other interstate then take a left on other interstate and go to baton rouge. Stop in Port Allen to pee because they cant hold it any more.........throw them all off the I-10 mississippi river bridge when I get to Baton Rouge...tell sherriffs dept they jumped....go to Florida and have the time of my life....ALONE!!!!
Bruce

Hope you'll enjoyed this as much as I did.....BTW, from his house to ours here in Louisiana is approx. a 34 hour drive,would not want to do that with two women, He does this every year...glutton for punishment I guess....

bonyhadi · #**797** (**permalink**) 05-28-2002, 07:19 PM

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a
roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in
and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold
beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied... "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bonyhadi · #**798** (**permalink**) 05-29-2002, 06:23 AM

TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed
up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot".
The man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his
pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft
going.
It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath, he came up choking on water. He was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. (no reflection on Claunch or Tractor Driver intended or implied!)

CobraDan · #**799** (**permalink**) 05-29-2002, 06:37 AM

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush
and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says,
"Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real
honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says,
"Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well,
we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one
blonde with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill
a blonde with big boobs? Bush turns to Powell, punches
him on the shoulder and says, "See? I told you no one
would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

CobraDan · #**800** (**permalink**) 05-29-2002, 07:03 AM

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?", asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"