Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

amazing how this works, put in your name and give it a test!

http://www.license.shorturl.com

[CobraDan]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5
and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning
2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Reply...


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operation system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do,
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[CobraDan]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[CobraDan]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[bonyhadi]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your New car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays
the gas all over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.


Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.


Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[bonyhadi]

SICKDAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in th restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balance meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,if we
see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's,
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week, Management

[CobraDan]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and
I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[CobraDan]

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Sh!tferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Sh!tferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."

[bonyhadi]

Real E-Mail Addresses
_
|E]
.-|=====-. Many Universities, government offices and
| | MAIL | businesses tend to strip the first name down
|________|___ to 6 characters and add the first and last
|| initial to either the beginning or end to
|| make up an e-mail
|| www %%% address.
vwv || )_(,;;;, ,;,\_/ www
)_( || \|/ \_/ )_(\| (_) i.e. Mary L. Ferguson
\| \ || /\\|/ |/ \| \|// |
___\|//jgs||//_\V/_\|//_______\\|//V/\\|/__ = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems this practice
may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to support
with e-mail. Add to that a large database of company/college
acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (although they are
undoubtedly not funny to the individual involved).

These are some examples of actual e-mail addresses seen on the Net.
Please do NOT e-mail these people.

Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonsht@dku.edu

Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu

George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu

Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu

Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com

Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu

IDA Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu

Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern
Division, Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com

Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com

[bonyhadi]

Transportation in Heaven



Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter
tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you
each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine
what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to
your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man,
"were you true to your wife?"

"Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never
strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept
with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."

"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St.
Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."

The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns
to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly,
"I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once
or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those
minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."

St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward
for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a
Pontiac."

As the man takes the keys St. Peter turns to
the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I
could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that
I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit
to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really
did love my wife very much."

"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love
your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you
get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives
it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter


Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along,
when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over
and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing
uncontrollably.
The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says,
"Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibility be wrong?
You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?"

"I know," says the man through his sobs,
"but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"

[bonyhadi]

~~How to stay young~~

1.Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let
the doctor worry, that is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really
need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your relatives to do the
job.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Just never let the brain become idle.

4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so
much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control. Karma is karma. What
shall be will be.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only people who are
with us our entire life, is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, and a foreign
country, but not guilt.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

Remember, Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

[CobraDan]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He was going at it as best he could for a guy of his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asked. "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back.

[CobraDan]

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

[CobraDan]

After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."

[CobraDan]

3 nuns die and go to heaven. When they meet St.Peter at the gates, he tells them, "before you can enter, you must each answer 1 question."
He turns to the first nun and says, " who was first man on earth?" The nun says, "well that would be Adam." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates open, and she walks in.
St.Peter turns to the second nun and said, "Ok, who was the first woman on earth?" The nun said," well that would be EVE." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates opens and she walks in.
St. Peter turns to the 3rd nun and said, "What was mans first expression, when he first saw woman?"
The nun, with a confused look on her face said, "Thats a hard one." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates open and she walks in.

[bonyhadi]

MY DARLING SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,
"My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he
hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not
only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but
he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled
next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

[CobraDan]

Moses,Jesus, and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.
But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.
The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says,
"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

[bonyhadi]

I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...







SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool
your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening
experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling
the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!










A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud. He
decided to go dancing and give them a try.
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes, he said, "I bet you I
can guess the color of your panties."
"OK," she replied. "What color do you think they are?"
"Blue," he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked.
"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots," he said.
"Here, she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what color she has
on."
After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing his toes on his
pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes, he ask the
new lady, "What color panties do you have on? I can't seem to make them
out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief, the young man said, "Oh good! For a minute I
thought I had a crack in my new boots."








Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.








Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says,
"Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding." "I can't even manage to do it once."
"What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store. The clerk asks the old man,
"May I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread." "It's sure to get hard before
you're done."

The old man says, "Damn!" "Does everyone know about this except me?"














After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a
home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers
over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and
yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"













What Should Sex and Parking Spaces have in common:
You should never have to wait to find one
You should be able to slide right into one
Spaces in the front are always the best
When there are no spaces in front, spaces in the rear are just fine.
It make you jealous when you see someone else is double-parked.
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit.
A house isn't a home without a parking space.
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear, just do it.









What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
B. "The Condom Broke!"
C. "I've got AIDS
D. "Get off me!"
E. "Is it in?"
F. "Who are you?"

[flipper35]

This is a heck of a thing to post when trying to get people here, but ask Jamo, it isn't quite this bad.

You Know You're in the Imperial Valley When.....

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your
car...
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one
person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30a.m.
before work...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not
having air-conditioning...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...

It's so hot in the Imperial Valley......

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the
ground.

The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs.

It's so dry in the Imperial Valley...

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

A sad Imperial Valleyite once prayed, "I wish it would rain--not so
much for me, cuz I've seen it--......but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to the Imperial Valley once asked, "Does it ever
rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you
remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40
nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got bout two and a half inches during
that spell."

This is hyperbole I assure you.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Do you like chowmein....try this http://www.superlaugh.com/1/chowmein.swf