Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
Amen
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure
enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school
to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then
set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[bonyhadi]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the
barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and
a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman
with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts
that he had ever seen knelt down and began to
shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should
go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't
like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime
and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
















There was a couple going at it for the first time,
and they were going at it for a while when the guy
asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open
your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just
a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get
your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."











A mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of *****es who want off, get the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all
you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your
arses in the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for two hours. When you come out, you
may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon.'

She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We
hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the
two-hour delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen.'

[bonyhadi]

Ugly Woman And Supper


Bob has been out on the road for two weeks. He stops at a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and
says, "I want your ugliest woman and a peanutbutter sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." Bob replies, "Listen
sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick!











Big Steak


Rick goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the
table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest
NewYork Strip," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers Rick, "she'll order for herself."






















No Your Not


"First," said Bob, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit
loose."

"Oh no you're not," said Linda.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make mad, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said Bob.

"Oh yes you are!" said Linda.










r


Julie went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst
out, screaming.

As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped and asked her what the
problem was, and she explained what was wrong.

He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched
back to the new doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs.Jones is a 35 year old, she has four children, her husband had a
vasectomy and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


















A New Medicine


It seems researchers at the University of Michigan Medical school, have
come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository. The only
drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion, you
have an overpowering urge to shove a Twinkie up your ass.















Too Young To Die


An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
the earth.So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and
the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[CobraDan]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The Child asks "Mother, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child replys "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? "The Mother says "Jewelry, dear."

[bonyhadi]

. Figure it Out!
-----------------------------------
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure
your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost
$1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments
for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a
new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"









The Honeymoon Is Over...
----------------------------------
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
---------
"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"

"Not by anyone I know of."
---------
Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the
boss.
---------
Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the
management.
---------
The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the
burnt toast.














It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,
and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her
aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first
aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's
pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this
point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get
to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

[bonyhadi]

11 Ways To Treat A Penis

1) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy
Wonderful, i.e., "Hi ! I'm
Shirley ! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive
on it likes it's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be
gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.

2) When (Not "IF")giving oral sex, don't suck so
hard that you make an
industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster
and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in
high school, the one
who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too
far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do
move too far forward
and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't
made for that action. And, VERY Important. When
going up and down, if
you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis
pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf
ball...your aim is not
that good, and your 100 + Lbs, and this little
Newton thingy called
gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis

4) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't
grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms,
and remember ... when friction is the
problem...lubrication is the cure.

5) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good
tool you wanna keep
around for a while you've gotta take good care of
it just as you do your
dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him
gently. Oil him
frequently, and have him park in the garage as
often as you can. Never
bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years
of use out of him that way.

6) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just
being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you
sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good
for you !

7) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr.
Penis's two friends, Mr.
Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.
Not even ice or a nude
Pic of Ginette Reno and the Queen Mother playing
chess at the Naturalist
beach last July.

8) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a
tee.

9) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner
worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too
soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him...not everyone can
have that effect on him.

10) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't
say, "**** ! Not that
deep ! What are you doing . . . drilling for
oil??" Say, "Wow you're
much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a
little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?".

11) When you are done, always thank Mr. Penis.
Mr. Penis has feelings,
and Mr. Ego has bigger feelings. Without both of
them being stroked, Mr.
Ego may make Mr. Penis look for appreciation in
Mr. Neighbors wife.

[CobraDan]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

[bonyhadi]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was
hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog
could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted
to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"
hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use
deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs
don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and
if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[CobraDan]

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day,
what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was
it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[CobraEd]

Freudian Slips


A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was. He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You Fuc*ing Bit*h, you ruined my life.'"

[bonyhadi]

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his
hands. "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master.
Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks, flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks
Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an
animated conversation. The lady behind them ignores them at
first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:

"Emma come first, den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time"

"You foul mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady" said the man. "Whosa talkin' abouta sexa?
I'ma justa
tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[CobraDan]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ..
please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

[jamesson]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully
grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word
was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He constantly
said polite words, played soft music, anything he could think of
to set a good example... Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the
bird; the bird yelled back. He shook the bird; it just got angry
and even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and
scream -- then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a
minute. David was frightened he might have hurt the bird. He
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended
you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to
correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry, and beg your
forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's new attitude! He was about to
ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot
continued, "Might I ask what the chicken did?"

[bonyhadi]

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2
min.

[bonyhadi]

Popemobile

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was
taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a
limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back
of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was
pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his
window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment,
please. I need to call in."
The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the
chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and
I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"
"No. More important."
"The President?"
"No. More important."
"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as
a chauffeur."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

> >
> > Nothing Like The First Time
> > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
> > and have dinner with her
> > parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her
> > boyfriend that after
> > dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the
> > first time. Well, the
> > boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so
> > he takes a trip to the
> > pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist
> > helps the boy for about an
> > hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
> > about protection and
> > doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the
> > boy
> > how many he'd like to
> > buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy
> > insists on the family
> > pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it
> > being
> > his first time and
> > all.
> >
> > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
> > house and meets his
> > girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you
> > to
> > meet my parents, come
> > on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the
> > dinner
> > table where the
> > girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
> > say grace and bows his
> > head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in
> > prayer with his head down.
> > Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
> > Finally, after 20
> > minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
> > over
> > and whispers to her
> > boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
> > The
> > boy turns and whispers
> > back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Here are some conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The
> following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
> control towers from around the world:
> -----
> While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made
> a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female
> ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
> where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
> turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
> tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
>
> Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort
> this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
> expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you
to
> go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
> that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal
> bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller
> in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running; high.
> Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you
> once?"
> -----
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the
> end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway
> 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
> -----
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
>
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
> we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
>
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
> Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
>
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
> copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> -----
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
> They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get
> there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
> we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
> ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
>
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
>
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
>
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
>
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
>
> Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
> Frankfurt before?"
>
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
> -----
> A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard
> the following:
>
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
>
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
> Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody
> war!"
>
>
>

[petek]

NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the sh!t out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

[bonyhadi]

A Marine General's Speech (said like ONLY a Marine could say it )!

Speech by former ACC Commander, Gen. Hawley:

"Since the attack, I have seen, heard, and read thoughts of such
surpassing stupidity that they
must be addressed. You've heard them too. Here they are:

1) "We're not good, they're not evil, everything is relative." Listen
carefully: We're good,
they're evil, nothing is relative. Say it with me now and free
yourselves. You see, folks, saying
"We're good" doesn't mean, "We're perfect." Okay? The only perfect being
is the bearded guy on
the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The plain fact is that our country
has, with all our mistakes
and blunders, always been and always will be, the greatest beacon of
freedom, charity,
opportunity, and affection in history. If you need proof, open all the
borders on Earth and see
what happens. In about half a day, the entire world would be a ghost
town, and the United States
would look like one giant line to see "The Producers."

2) "Violence only leads to more violence." This one is so stupid you
usually have to be the
president of an Ivy League University to say it. Here's the truth,
which you know in your heads
and hearts already: Ineffective, unfocused violence leads to more
violence. Limp, panicky,
half-measures lead to more violence. However, complete, fully
thought-through, professional,
well-executed violence never leads to more violence because, you see,
afterwards, the other guys
are all dead. That's right, dead. Not "on trial," not "reeducated," not
"nurtured back into the
bosom of love." Dead. D-E-Well, you get the idea.

3) "The CIA and the rest of our intelligence community has failed us."
For 25 years we have
chained our spies like dogs to a stake in the ground, and now that the
house has been robbed, we
yell at them for not protecting us. Starting in the late seventies,
under Carter appointee
Stansfield Turner, the giant brains who get these giant ideas decided
that the best way to gather
international intelligence was to
use spy satellites. "After all," they reasoned, "you can see a license
plate from 200 miles
away." This is very helpful if you've been attacked by a license plate.
Unfortunately, we were
attacked by humans. Finding humans is not possible with satellites. You
have to use other humans.
When we bought all our satellites, we fired all our humans, and here's
the really stupid part. It
takes years, decades to infiltrate new humans into the worst places of
the world. You can't just
have a guy who looks like Gary Busey in a Spring Break '"93 sweatshirt
plop himself down in a
coffee shop in Kabul and say, "Hi ya, boys. Gee, I sure would like to
meet that bin Laden fella."
Well, you can, but all you'd be doing is giving the bad guys a story
they'll be telling for
years.

4) "These people are poor and helpless, and that's why they're angry at
us. "Uh-huh, and Jeffrey
Dahmer's frozen head collection was just a desperate cry for help. The
terrorists and their
backers are richer than Elton John and, ironically, a good deal less
annoying. The poor helpless
people, you see, are the villagers they tortured and murdered to stay
in power. Mohamed Atta,
one of the evil scumbags who steered those planes into the killing
grounds (I'm sorry, one of the
"alleged hijackers," according to CNN. They stopped using the word
"terrorist," you know), is the
son of a Cairo surgeon. But you knew this, too. In the sixties and
seventies, all the pinheads
marching against the war were upper-middle-class college kids who
grabbed any cause they could
think of to get out of their final papers and spend more time drinking.
At least, that was my
excuse. It's the same today. Take the Anti Global Warming (or is it
World Trade?
Oh-who-knows-what-the-hell-they-want demonstrators).
They all charged their black outfits and plane tickets on dad's credit
card before driving to
the airport in their SUV's.

5) "Any profiling is racial profiling." Who's killing us here, the
Norwegians? Just days after
the attack, the New York Times had an article saying dozens of extended
members of the
gazillionaire bin
Laden family living in America were afraid of reprisals and left in a
huff, never to return to
studying at Harvard and using too much Drakkar. I'm crushed. I think
we're all crushed. Please
come back. With a cherry on top? Why don't they just change their names,
anyway? It's happened in
the past. Think about it. How many Adolfs do you run into these days?
Shortly after that, I
remember watching TV with my jaw on the floor as a government official
actually said, "That
little old grandmother from Sioux City could be carrying something."
Okay, how about this: No,
she couldn't. It would never be the grandmother from Sioux City. Is it
even possible? What are
the odds? Winning a hundred Powerball Lotteries in a row? A thousand? A
million? And now a Secret
Service guy has been tossed off a plane and we're all supposed to cry
about it because he's an
Arab? Didn't it have the tiniest bit to do with the fact that he filled
out his forms
incorrectly three times? And then left an Arab h
istory book on his seat as he strolled off the plane? And came back?
Armed? Let's please all
stop singing "We Are the World" for a minute and think practically! I
don't want to be sitting
on the floor in the back of a plane four seconds away from hitting Mt.
Rushmore and turn,
grinning, to the guy next to me to say, "Well, at least we didn't offend
them."

SO HERE'S what I resolve for the New Year:

Never to forget our murdered brothers and sisters. Never to let the
"relativists" get away with
their immoral thinking. After all, no matter what your daughter's
political science professor
says, we didn't start this. Have you seen that bumper sticker that says,
"No More Hiroshimas"? I
wish I had one that says, "You First. No More Pearl Harbors." Semper
Fi!

[DAVID GAGNARD]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY....check out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask in the middle of the forest.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended
up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the
man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles
from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, had
called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air and then airborne into smoke heaven.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

____________Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While sitting on the bike and racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________ Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

____________________ Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_________________ STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
_________________ What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?


David