Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Mom's Laundry Rules


1. Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after
only one wear. It is scientific fact that you do not get dirty while
sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad
enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them
or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they
stink.

2. Socks - Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty
clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their
original rolled up little balls. Special note: Unroll socks before
throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of
physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or drying, and Mom is getting too old to crawl back
there and fish them out.

3. Clothes Hung Up - Clean clothes can be easily removed from
the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards
you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for
wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on
one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly
entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes
Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain
from this action.

4. Dirty Clothes Rule - If you have made the decision to put
something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for
some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the
clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small
tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is
having to do it over and over and over.

5. Pockets - Check your own pockets before you put dirty items
(again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have
you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load
of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs,
you will have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In the
future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the
laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes
to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will
go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while
you are on a cruise!

6. Folded Clothes Rule - When those clean clothes miraculously
appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person
who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special
note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.

7. General Dirty Clothes Rule - If they aren't dirty, why the heck
are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers.
When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make
the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think
twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to
throw
the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the
Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards
must not be as high as yours.

8. Laundry Sharing - In the future, each of you will be required to
do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom
feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she
has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this
is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to
leave
home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.

Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.

I, (sign your name) ____________________________________
agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in
the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.
Date:______________














The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards, EXCEPT the
individuals don't kill themselves.

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on
the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right
attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little b*stard was
Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:

A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when
he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:

A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is........

Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip
home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus
a new Winnie.

(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court
case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)






SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

I'm not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep

I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

'cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up.

:-)