Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to
your eyes.
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"Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line while we trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are delusional and think you are possessed by Satan, press 666.

If you think you are calling Focus on the Family, please enter your credit card number now.

Click.
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A new young monk arrives at the monastery.? He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be
picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody
and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
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The List:

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest joy...........................................Givi ng
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait...................Selfishness
The most endangered species.....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest shot in the arm...........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset..........................................Fai th
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
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An elderly couple were sitting watching the tv one evening
Out of the blue (suddenly) the old girl got up, walked across the room to her husband and wacked him around
the ear and then returned to her chair
He was totally taken by surprise, but when he recovered, he asked "what was that
for?"
She said, "that's for being such a lousy lover all our married life".
So the old fella got up and walked over to her and wacked her one around the
ear......"and that's for knowing the difference".
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Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling,
he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with
mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband.
"The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."
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A newlywed sailor was transferred to a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. He
soon began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her al etter."My darling," he wrote, "it looks
like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly
surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I
would not be so tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually
his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't
wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
"First, let me see you play that harmonica!"
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Carnation Milk

A lady had been married to a farmer
all of her life. They had cows and
horses on their farm and also grew
a number of crops for sale at the
local farmers market.

While shopping at the local grocery
store for a few items that she and
her husband did not raise or grow
for themselves, she came across a
contest form while in the store.

So she completed their jingle and
mailed it off to the Carnation Milk
Company in an effort to win a cash
prize which had been offered for
the best entry regarding those little
cans of milk found on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first line
of jingle with these words, "I like
Carnation best of all...." and the
submitter had only to complete the
remainder of the jingle on their
entry form.

Each contestant could only use 50
words or less. A couple of months
later, the woman was surprised when
a Carnation Milk representative came
to her door and told her that her entry
was the best one submitted. However it
was unfortunate that the company could
not publish it.

In lieu of that latter fact, they had
decided that her entry was worth at least
a consolation award and provided her with
a company check in the amount of $1,000
for her creativity. Here is her entry

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no **** to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a *****.
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