Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look
and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops
at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice
cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've
blown a seal." "No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's
just ice cream."






As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and
sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and
looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the
butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down
the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He
does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around
the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the
front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This
dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time
this week he's forgotten his key!"


Sam and Joe, two old friends from childhood, were living in the local nursing home. As their
nurse was making rounds one day, she saw Sam sitting on the foot of his bed making noises
like an automobile motor.
"Where ya going, Sam?" asked the nurse.
In a quaking voice, Sam replied "I'm going to Chicago to have a good time".
"Be careful", said nurse. Later in the day, she came back by the men's room and again saw
Sam sitting in a chair this time and making slurping noises as if eating. "What are you doing,
Sam?" asked the nurse.
"I'm having a wonderful dinner in Chicago," said Sam. The nurse told him that was great and
to enjoy his dinner. On her return trip to the station, the nurse saw Joe standing naked in
the middle of the room and making hunching moves. ''JOE! What in the world are you
doing?", barked the nurse.
Joe, in a proud but shaky voice replied, "I'm ****ing Sam's wife while he's in Chicago".
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A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to
read a book. As he was reading,
he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each
time. He would then stop and resume
reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any
further. She got up and started
stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked: "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my kitty. I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love
tonight?!"
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
"The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."
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Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
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You know you're getting 'marvelously mature' when.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Favorite excuses for missing work:
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for
not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I
won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to
drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me
I was Jewish.
I fell off the ladder.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
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Simple rules for all men to follow....

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is most important that these three women never meet.
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Children saying the Pledge in schools could be taught reality instead of religion. So let's
change " one nation under G-d " to be more realistic by switching to..." one nation under the
I.R.S. "
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