Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A Sure Cure.....

A woman went to the doctors office, where she
was seen by one of the new doctors, but after
about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and told her to
go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the
back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and
seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"






----- Getting away with speeding

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH
in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers
license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer,
but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy
says, "It's in the glove compartment, but
it's not in my name because I stole this car
in a car jacking and I killed the woman that
owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and
the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him
the story and he walks up to the guy in the
car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's
drivers license and the guy hands it over and
it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and
the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment."
The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and walks around to the passenger
side and opens the glove compartment. There is
the registration in the guys name and everything
seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and
open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the
only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what
the other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll
bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!"









Awful Limerick


There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack.
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She...


A stuttering girl went on a date with this guy one night, and after a
movie and something to eat, he took her to a remote spot for some
heing and sheing.

He started to feel his way around, and as soon as she felt him
doing that, she started to tell him to stop, she wasn't that kind
of a girl, but before she could get the words out...

She was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickie


Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Female Comebacks!


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.





A blonde, tired of being made fun of and
determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where
there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and
sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the
man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and
with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the
blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your
neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I
couldn't breathe."

[bonyhadi]

Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she
says, "Go ahead,
honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped
like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talking'
feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl
Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that
her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have,
Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a
minute... are
you a nark?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you
don't finish your
vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique
collection has scorch
marks on the bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the
pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn
signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with
tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health --
still no glaucoma,
dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on
with those solid
gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for

the cookie jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up
three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with
lipstick on
their cheeks.



Rules of Beer Drinking


13> The first rule about Beer Club is you do not
talk about
Beer Club.

12> Before wringing spilled beer into your glass
from a soaked
shirt, make sure that your date is not still
wearing it.

11> Beer math: x(beer) + felony larceny - shirt =

"COPS"

10> The Barney Rule: Every sentence must start or

end with a belch.

9> Always offer to buy the first round if you
want to impress
the Bush girls.

8> The optimum number of beers consumed is
directly proportional
to the ugliness of one's date divided by the
distance to the
bathroom.

7> After a dozen beers, you must loudly declare
your love for
your drinking companion. Half a dozen if
you're drinking
Guinness.

6> The beer-can wall in the dorm is NOT
load-bearing.

5> After one six-pack of anything, Old Milwaukee

really *is*
as good as it gets.

4> Beer on whiskey, mighty risky; whiskey on
beer, all is clear;
beer on your shirt, take my word, friend:
You're *so* not
getting laid tonight.

3> When departing for the restroom, don't use
the word "lizard"
in mixed company.

2> If you drink a beer that has a fly in it, you

are required
by law to allow the fly to escape to freedom
through your
nose.

1> Never puke on something white after Labor
Day.















I AM THANKFUL FOR.....

THE PARTNER WHO HOGS THE COVERS EVERY NIGHT, BECAUSE HE/SHE
IS NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

THE TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING TV,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE/SHE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE
STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM
EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I, AM
IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A
HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING
LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I
HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I
HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY.........

FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL. BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO
ARE THINKING OF ME. (SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT,
AND WHEN YOU THINK YOUR LIFE IS SO BAD, READ THIS AGAIN).






First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing....
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole thing.












A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After
the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been
going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered
and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men because
he felt his penis was small.

So the first man asked, "Does it work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one that
looks great in the shower?"

[bonyhadi]

Austin Powers pick up lines from "Gold Member"


1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you
all day long.

2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's
get you out of those wet clothes.

3) Nice legs... What time do they open?

4) Do you work for the post office? I thought
I saw you checking out my package.

5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one
more?

6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the
money?

7) I may not be the best looking guy in here,
but I'm the only one talking to you.

8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?

9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight.

10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can
blow the hell outta me.

11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm
naked.

12) You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.

13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got
a stiffy.

14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your
smiles, and even farther for that thing you
do with your tongue.

15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I
could be you by morning.

16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not
just going to suck itself.

17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with
me.

18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any
questions?

19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled
heap on my bedroom floor.

20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be
screaming it later.

21) Do you believe in love at first sight or
should I walk by again?

22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come
over and talk to you.

23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how
much have you been drinking?

24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I
can see myself in them













TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You Sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month,
and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

CANADIAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes
they are.
* One speaks French, one speaks English.
* One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it.
* They both play ice hockey rather well.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and
detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute

[bonyhadi]

Pop The Cherry
2 oz. Cherry brandy
Orange Juice
Stir in highball glass, add cherry and orange slice



Rearbuster
2 oz. Tequila
2 oz. Kahlua
Cranberry juice
Stir in highball glass



Screaming Orgasm
Barstool
Equal parts-
Rum
Vodka
Bourbon
Open mouth, lean back, swallow till you can't swallow any more



Tight Snatch
1 1/2 oz. light Rum
1 oz. Peach Schnapps
Pineapple juice
Stir in highball glass



Virgin
1 1/2 oz. Gin
1/2 oz. white Creme de menthe
1 oz. forbidden fruit
Shake with ice, strain into highball glass



Roll Me Over And Do Me Again
(Cocktail)
1/4 part Light Rum
1/4 part Dark Rum
1/4 part Midori
1/4 part Malibu
Splash Creme de Bananes
Fill with equal parts OJ And Pineapple, add touch of
Grenadine for color and shake.



Purple Mother****er
(Shot)
1 part Vodka
1 part Southern Comfort
1 part Blue Maui
1 part Cranberry juice.
Shake and pour as a shooter!



GetsYaLaid Coffee
1 shot dark Creme de Cacao
1 shot Orange Curacao
1/2 shot Kahlua
1 shot Vodka
Add coffee, should be in a VERY tall mug...top with whipped cream,
add straw ... and dreeeeenk several! Yeehaw!




The Clitoris
1 part Bacardi
1 part Creme de Almond
1 part Bailey's
1 part Whipped Cream
Cherry
Layer in shot glass.



Blow Job
1/2 shot Kahlua
Whipped cream
Top with the cream.
No hands, tilt your head back and swallow



Cum In A Hot Tub
1/2 shot Orange Juice
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
Pour Bailey's into Orange Juice for curdling effect



Deep Throat
(same as blow job, only in a salt shaker and for women only)
The tongue must be used to break the whipped cream seal



Flaming Blue ****
1 1/2 oz. Sambuca
1/2 oz. Blue Curaco
Set on fire and drink through a straw



Orgasm
2 oz. Vodka
2 oz. Amaretto
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Light Cream
Shake with ice, strain into highball glass



Sit On My Face
1 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1 shot Frangelica
1 shot Kahlua
Layer the Bailey's over Frangelica over Kahlua



Wrigley's Doublemint Blowjob
1 shot Kahlua
1/2 shot of peppermint schnapps 100 proof
Milk or Cream
Stir or whip

[bonyhadi]

=== Feel Like A Woman ===

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there
someone on this plane who is man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here,
iron this!".


=== The Fireman And His Wife ===

A Fireman came home from work one day and told
his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system
at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1,
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3,
we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2,"

The wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3,"

They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE
NEAR THE FIRE!"




=== Wishful Thinking ===

One morning a woman was walking out of her front
door, when she notices a strange little man at the
bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you
owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and
square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a
huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK,
you've got it.".

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a
Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to
make your wishes come true you have to have sex
all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still
believe in goblins"





Education: What you have left over when you subtract what
you've forgotten from what you've learned.

==========================================

[bonyhadi]

Microsoft TV Dinner

Instructions For Microsoft's New TV Dinners:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so, you agree
to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may
not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute
an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell
them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.now

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and
press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight
of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner
exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.damnit

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments,
most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to
upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in
the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted, anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
==========================================
Happy Baby Fun!
http://members.aol.com/fdipiazza/stickybaby.htm
This could drive ya crazy if ya let it!
`````````````````````````````````````
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
==========================================
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask
for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out
that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetheart," the woman patiently replied, "I just spent ten
goddamn days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man.
I *know* what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought,
"Well, if *I* lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized that I would want to be taught a very valuable lesson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

The Five Stages of Drunkeness

(just in case you're gonna be one of those folks who thinks this only
applies to other people - pssssssssst you're wrong)



Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known

universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.

And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes
for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.


Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about
any subject under the sun.


Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can
buy
drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can
also
make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You
will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you
are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.


Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being
INVINCIBLE
you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.



Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything,
because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the
people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot
see
you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are
also
INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because
no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the

words.


THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP


Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only
several
hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12
hours.



Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you
are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a
glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the
door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is
now
missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened
to it
but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you
might
have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your
pocket
could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty
pound
note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that

STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe
that
you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start
to
loathe all your friends.


Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you
feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.


Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot

this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you,
and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too
POOR
to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted
to get married, so
Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
love and I want to
ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without
even taking a moment to
think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a
month,and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much
thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a
second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so
far...."
~~~~~~

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend
Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell
her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring
us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that...it never worked."

[bonyhadi]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife
behind
the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know
we've
been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He
then
says,
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having
an
affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I
want
the
house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to
eighty
mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank
accounts,
and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward
a
bridge
overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't
there
anything
you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles
and
says,
"The airbag"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher
condemned the
sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs.....AMEN... BROTHER!

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled
again....PREACH IT REVEREND!

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT
IS..... AMEN!

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit
preaching and now he's
meddlin'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father
of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the
bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's
hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no
return."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Day At The Auction

Becky woke up and told her husband, Sam, about her dream
last night.

"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for
$1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10."

Sam asked, "What about one my size?"

To which Becky replied, "Didn't get a bid!"

Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky
about his dream.

"I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's
sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Becky asked, "What about one like mine?"

To which Sam responded, "That's where they held the auction."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
IF YOU WANNA BE HAPPY http://songexpressions.net/wanna.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

DRUGS

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is
acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on......

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra,
Considered were:
Mycoxafloppin,



Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Mydixadud, and

Alimpdixafixit.


And of course Ibepokin.

[bonyhadi]

QUICK ONES

4 miracles of a woman

1. Getting wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleeding without getting hurt.
3. Giving milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless flesh hard.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Scientist have just proven that the DNA found in Donkeys and bats is exactly the same as that found in the human
male........
which explains the constant stubbornness and lack of vision !!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Its Sad...

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an
owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a
drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons
and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What
man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say,

old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling
her 'the ballerina?'"


"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman
who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
Maybe it's true that life begins at forty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~

.

[bonyhadi]

Duct Tape...90 uses

Hate finding your mailbox clogged with junkmail, advertising circulars and bills? Duct tape your
mailbox shut.
Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with a single strip of duct tape.
Gals---duct tape keeps the toilet seat down
Guys---duct tape keeps the toilet seat up
Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing and
furniture-- also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture.
Replace winter boots with socks wrapped in several layers of duct tape.
Duct tape hand held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement during afternoon traffic
jams. Also great on trips.
High chair falling apart after the third kid? Duct tape will make it last for three or four more.You
may also want to duct tape your kid to the seat to avoid mid-meal slippage.
Make a fashion statement: Patch old blue jeans with duct tape.
Broken wooden serving spoons? Repair with duct tape, instant mock-silver service.
Reinforce Dad's old wallet bulging not from cash, but from his vast collection of credit cards.
Tired of refrigerator magnets tumbling to the floor each time you reach for a cold drink? Duct
tape will hold the kids' artwork until they graduate.
Quiet noisy kids: Make a Wacky-Roller duct tape ball to keep them busy. If all else fails, simply
tape their mouths shut.
Why spend the money for press-on fingernails? Fake fingernails made of duct tape take any
polish, and the natural gray color of duct tape nails has universal appeal. Or, if you like the
natural look, duct tape quickly removes nail polish with just one yank!
Use duct tape to bind your submarine sandwich for intact transportation.
Use duct tape to hide teenage complexion problems.
Plumbing problems? Sometimes it'll take a whole roll to stop a pesky leak, but heck, its still
cheaper than a plumber.
Use duct tape to cover rust spots on your car. Why not cover your entire car to rust proof it?
You'll never have to wax again!
Replace broken antenna with duct tape and a wire coat hanger.
Use duct tape to repair a tire. Multiple layers maybe required.
With duct tape, who need luggage racks? Simply duct tape your luggage to the top of your car.
Use duct tape to hold great grandpa upright in his chair.
Stop eyeglasses from slipping down your nose by duct taping them to your face.
Save money on haircuts: Simply press duct tape onto hair and pull very quickly. For a neater
trim, pull up slowly while clipping underlying hair with tin snips or hacksaw blade.
Reinforce window panes and secure household items in preparation for hurricanes. Better yet,
wrap up the whole house.
Use duct tape to keep socks from falling down.
Swim, ski, wrestle, bungee jump and parachute with confidence after securing your hair piece
with duct tape.
Label anything, even the kids. You only need duct tape and a waterproof marker.
Ensure safety at kid's parties: Replace dangerous tacks by playing "Duct Tape The Tail On The
Donkey." Also makes great blindfolds for "Duct Tape The Tail" and piñata action. Or give each
child a strip or two for a spirited game of "Where Will The Duct Tape Stick?"
Guard tender bottoms from slivers in wooden swing seats, lawn furniture and outhouse seats.
Also makesa great sliver remover. Simply tape and yank!
Duct tape television and VCR remote controls to couch arm to prevent loss.
Use duct tape to patch aluminum siding, then just spray paint to match the house.
Still painting every other year? Avoid pushy aluminum siding sales people by simply duct taping
your entire house.
Who needs to know how to sew? Duct tape hems pants and skirts in a jiffy!
Need a temporary wedding band? Hey, what the heck, with a product this durable, make a
permanent wedding band!
Small towns: Easily change your population signs with duct tape and a marker.
Lost in the woods? Not with duct tape around! Just hang little strips of tape from branches to
find your way back.
Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and drawer fronts for a
modern, metallic-look kitchen.
Use duct tape to combine burger flipper and a fly swatter for convenient cookout insect control.
Wrap a brick with duct tape for an effective and decorative doorstop. Better yet, duct tape the
door open.
Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished
your taxes, patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape.
Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling for an instant fly trap.
Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume knob at your favorite level. Duct tape vibrating
stereo to table.
Duct tape vibrating table to floor. In most cases, foundation should secure floor.
Teach kids about safety by using duct tape to make seatbelts for their dolls. Also keeps pets in
place.
Mosquito proof your clothes, stop the little suckers with impenetrable duct tape.
Use duct tape to hold eyes open during your boss's boring speeches.
Remove dust balls under beds using these three steps: 1.Wrap duct tape sticky side out around
small dog. 2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed. 3. Yell "fetch!"
Use duct tape to pick up spilled kitty litter. Also pickup kitty.
Use duct tape to protect tip of tongue so you can lick cold flag poles in the winter without risk.
Use duct tape to hold ponytails in place or use as a headband.Caution: Coat hair with a
lightweight motor oil, 10W-30 recommended, to prevent hair loss upon removal.
Use duct tape to join two pets, tail to tail, and see what happens.
Windy City residents: Duct tape your hat to your head.
Use duct tape to secure kids' stocking caps to their heads to avoid loss while sledding.
Use duct tape to secure kids to sled to avoid loss while sledding.
Trap mice the humane way. Simply lay a strip of duct tape on the floor, sticky side up, like fly
paper. To be extra nice, leave mice a piece of cheese to nibble while they wait to be removed.
Wind proof your picnic table cloth with a strip on each corner. Or, you might as well cover entire
picnic table in duct tape for easy clean up.
Press-n-yank loose teeth from their sockets. Remember to dry tooth thoroughly before applying
duct tape.
Use duct tape to cover birthmarks. You can also create temporary birthmarks by simply
applying tape on desired area, leave it on five to ten minutes, and then rip it off quickly.
Restless sleeper? Duct tape bed sheets in place.
Sleep walker? Duct tape sleeper in place.
Be kind to animals. Duct tape corncobs to trees for birds and squirrels. Or, duct tape birds and
squirrels to trees for dogs and cats.
Anyone taking the above duct tape use seriously should be duct taped to the tree right next to
the squirrel.
Seal packages with duct tape so even the postal service won't be able to damage the enclosed
contents.
Triple taping your return merchandise also really irritates mail order vendors

[bonyhadi]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each
stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they
committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is
Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any
progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout, "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go?!!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal
sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnantfrom anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
GOLF CHIPS
This is a bonafide true story. An oldboy friend and I were watching the ladies play golf on
TV (said boyfriend having a deathgrip on the remote). One of the players hit a bad shot
off into the rough and had to make a difficult shot back out of a patch of brush to get back
onto the fairway. The player ends up straddling a small shrub to get the correct angle for
the shot and the female announcer says "This will be an extremely difficult shot for her
with that bush between her legs."
You hear a strangled, choking noise from the male announcer (who probably still thanks his
lucky stars today that he was off-camera);
the female announcer then repeats "Yes, a very difficult shot with that bush between her
legs."
You then hear this from the male announcer "snort...snort...gasp...Brahahahahahah"
Quick cut to commercial.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the
seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100", but he said he didn't have that much.
So I told him that oral sex would be $75,but he didn't have that much either. Finally I
said, "Well, how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "He pulled it out and I put one
hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second
hand"
"Oh my g-d" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!",she exclaimed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
As you all know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape lately. It seems that,
because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and
acquisitions.
Here are a few mergers to keep an eye on, , , , , ,

1.Xerox and Wurlitzer (They're going to make reproductive organs.)

2.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers (The new company will be called. . .
Fairwell Honeychild)

3.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler (The new company will be called . . .
Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4.W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems (The
new company will be called . . . Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5.The 3M and Goodyear (The new company will be called . . . MMM Good)

6.John Deere and Abitibi-Price (The new company will be called
. . . Deere Abi)

7.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil (The new company will be called . . . Honey, I'm Home)

8.Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining (The new company will be called. . . Mine All
Mine)

9.Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants (The new company will be called
. . . Poupon Pants)


10.Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women (The new company will be
called . . . Knott NOW)

11.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining (The new company will be called .
. .Zip Audi Do-Da)

12.Motorola and Enron (The new company will be called . . . MORON)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~G-D AND THE EPA
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The
Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.
THE BEGINNING
In the beginning, G-d created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing
to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, G-d said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
G-d explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve
energy, he would turn the light off half the time.
G-d agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
G-d said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed."
The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.
Then G-d said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the HeavenlyWildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went smoothly until G-d said He wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a
public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....
At that point, G-d created Hell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll
only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
When the man asked his widower father why he'd married
a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy
instead of a woman his own age, the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business
than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man
stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

[bonyhadi]

Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men
Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to
the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to
recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that
if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and
if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and
piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite.
G-d might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a
man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two
inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams.
Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk
about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes,
but not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the
other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho.
Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's
wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back.
We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot
flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.

[CobraDan]

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus,please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

[bonyhadi]

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?










AS GOOD AS PUTTING IT IN....

A married man goes to confessional and
tells the priest, "I had an affair with
a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is
the same as putting it in. You're not to
go near that woman again. Now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his
prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly
runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed
up against it, and you said it was the same
as putting it in!"











A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She
gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Better to be safe than...................Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the .........................Bug is close

It's always darkest before............ Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of..........Termites

You can lead a horse to water but.........how?

Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty

No news is................................impossible

A miss is as good as a....................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new............math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning

Love all, trust...........................me

The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
*

An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's...............pollution

Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents

A penny saved is..........................not much

Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have
to blow your nose

None are so blind as......................Helen Keller

Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries

You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

Better late than..........................pregnant

[bonyhadi]

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
==========
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff. I just
want a database!"
==========
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
==========
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
==========
Customer: "I don't have a space bar.
==========
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently
need to print a document, but the computer
won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about error, non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's
an Intel inside."
==========
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem.
We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
==========
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk?
It has a hole in it."
==========
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
==========
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
==========
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still getting the same error."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?"
==========
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No ..."
==========
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
==========
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow, how can you see my screen from there?"
==========
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
==========
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I
get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or
as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
==========
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
==========
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case
sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the
'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
==========
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery store."
==========
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
==========

.................................................. .........................







BALLS

Please read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

The amazing conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

This may explain why women are taking over the corporate world.

[bonyhadi]

DAUGHTER'S LETTER HOME FROM COLLEGE

************************************

An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from

college:

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will
bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly
after my arrival are pretty well healed now. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and
he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am
pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you
gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital
blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background
is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I
am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.

However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter

Linda.

[bonyhadi]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the
husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man
wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"







A Helping Hand
-----------------------------------
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want
to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be
afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll
look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you
sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help
you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the
darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you
please hand me the broom?"










Well Trained Worker
----------------------------------
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I
busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the
floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down
newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."











In Search Of...
---------------------------------
I live across the street from a church.
When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard so we went looking for
it.

She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling
the dogs name.

I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from
people walking in the area.

The dog's name is Moses.
--Patrick Davlin









In Pennsylvania, two Amish men were arrested for
distributing cocaine. "Police got suspicious when they
noticed a horse pulling a Camaro." (Conan O'Brien)









Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to
wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One
Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest
informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse
tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot
allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman
seated at a bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes
to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make
up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the
drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all
out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that
in her drink. As she sips on the drink, she gets more and
more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she
finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear,
....."Let's go shopping".

[CobraDan]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband
in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could buck, he could fly!"

[CobraDan]

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of
his malady. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
Thibideaux in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have
cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."
Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. To his son Boudreaux who had been waiting, Thibideaux said,
"Well son, us Cajun's celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate
when dey don't be so good.. In dis case, dey ain't so good. I got cancer.
Let's head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks."
After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more whiskey. They were eventually approached by some of
Thibideaux's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Thibideaux told them that coonasses celebrate the good and the bad. He
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "Da doctor dun told me I'm dying' from AIDS." His son's
eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say.
The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple
more shots. After his friends left, Boudreaux leaned over and whispered his
confusion.
"Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Thibideaux said, "I don't
want any of 'em sleeping with yo mama after I'm gone."