Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Q: What is the definition of blood, sweat and tears?
A: A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over,
He would have put booze on the floor.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your washing machine?
A: You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes
after you dump your load in it.

Q: You know the worst thing about oral sex?
A: The view.

Q: What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?
A: Ali Baa Baa.

Q: What is fo-fi-fo, fo-fi-fi-fo?
A: A black girl giving out her phone number.

Q: What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icy dead people.

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Turtles have such tiny ears.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A: ****s Funny.

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A: It's called "The Price Is Too Much."

Q: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
A: Naked and screaming, just like the rest of us.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: If a swamp frog goes "rib-bit ... rib-bit ... rib-bit" and a
Budweiser frog goes "bud ... wis ... er," what does a
Microsoft Windows frog sound like?
A: "Re-boot ... re- boot ... re-boot."

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Alabama Special Forces
> > >
> > >
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of
Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following info about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

New Human Resource Policies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a* raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of a sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at
least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all*
employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00AM to 8:20AM. All employees
whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20AM to 8:40AM and so on.* If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll with retract, and the
stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations,
consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week. The Management














Talented?
-----------------------------------
Do you think you can read? Try this tongue-twister!

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar
owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw
See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw
Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so
sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.




Mirror, Mirror
----------------------------------
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned."

"What is it, my child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day
I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I
have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake."











Takeoff
---------------------------------
An airplane filled to capacity is sitting on the tarmack awaiting
take-off, when the pilot and co-pilot come aboard.
The pilot is wearing sunglasses, and hitting the sides of the aisle with
a white cane. The co-pilot is following behind him being led by a
seeing-eye dog.
As both pilots continue toward the cockpit, the passengers start
to murmur amongst themselves..."Are they kidding..?, what's going on..?"

When the plane's engines start, the passengers get louder. As the
plane begins to pick up speed down the runway the passengers are really
getting loud.
Finally when the plane is at full throttle with only 20 feet of
runway left, the passengers begin screaming at the top of their lungs.
The plane suddenly pulls up and is airborne.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they're not
going to scream in time, and we're all gonna die!"














As I was browsing through an old newspaper, I read aloud to my wife a
news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "I
must be true," she said. "This is the second time you've read that
article to me."

[bonyhadi]

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and
my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was
in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women,
and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd
gone fishing."



>
> > >New Defenitions
> > >>>>
> > >>>>ADULT:
> > >>>>A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
> > >>>>now growing in the middle.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>BEAUTY PARLOR:
> > >>>>A place where women curl up and dye.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>CANNIBAL:
> > >>>>Someone who is fed up with people.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>CHICKENS:
> > >>>>The only animals you eat before they are born and
> > >>>>after they are dead.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>COMMITTEE:
> > >>>>A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>DUST:
> > >>>>Mud with the juice squeezed out.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>EGOTIST:
> > >>>>Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>GOSSIP:
> > >>>>A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
> > >>>>do more damage.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>HANDKERCHIEF:
> > >>>>Cold Storage.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>INFLATION:
> > >>>>Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>MYTH:
> > >>>>A female moth.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>MOSQUITO:
> > >>>>An insect that makes you like flies better.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>RAISIN:
> > >>>>Grape with a sunburn.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>SECRET:
> > >>>>Something you tell to one person at a time.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>SKELETON:
> > >>>>A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>TOOTHACHE:
> > >>>>The pain that drives you to extraction.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>TOMORROW:
> > >>>>One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>YAWN:
> > >>>>An honest opinion openly expressed.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>WRINKLES:
> > >>>>Something other people have. You have character
> > >>>>lines.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >





Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into
an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed
for the purpose." -- Winston Churchill

-----------------------------------

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring."

-----------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you try to cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with a fourteen inch asshole.

[CobraDan]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

[bonyhadi]

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
================================================== ===========
One day a little girl went to the playground. While she was there a
little boy told her to climb up the jungle gym. "No," she said. "I'll
pay you 10 cents," he said. "OK" and she did. When she got home she
told her mother all about it. Her mother said," Don't do that he just
want's to see your underwear."

The next day the little girl went to the playground again. The
same little boy told her to climb up the jungle gym again. She told
him, "My mother said not to"He replied, "This time I'll give you
50 cents"
And so she did. When she got home she told her mother all about it.
Her mother just shrugged; "Didn't I tell you not to do that, he just
wants to see your under wear?"

The next day the little girl went to the playground again and the
same little boy asked her the same question. "No" she said. "This time
I'll give you a dollar," he said, So she did.
When she got home she told her mother and when she said, "He
just wants to look at your underwear"
She replied, " Well I guess I sure fooled him, because I didn't
wear any!"
================================================== ==========
Have y'all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon?
According to the manufacturer, it "rounds 'em up and heads 'em out."
================================================== ==========
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works
hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
================================================== ===========
What does PMS stand for?
Penis Must Suffer!
================================================== ===========
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

[bonyhadi]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" SHOW ??????


6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car
and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or
dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his
assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete
science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids
are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one
TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves, either while driving
or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after
their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut
model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on
performance.
The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over
and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually
earning the right to be called "Mother"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's That Time Of The Year Again
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn
off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The
next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
E-mail Blessings
~*~ Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
~*~ May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for. ~*~
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
~*~ May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers, or the misguided.
~*~ And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work. The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, what type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller"
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, but first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I
headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, it set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls.
That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

[bonyhadi]

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fatproducing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it is:Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS

Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM

Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang: Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT

After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY

For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Dog Peeves
1. Blaming your gas on me.. Not Funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.. Stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet, idiot.
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
9. Dog Sweaters
10. The sleight of hand... fake-fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things Never to Say to a Man With a Small Penis
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
It looks like a nightcrawler.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.

What a Difference 2 Inches Makes
Guy, naked in front of the mirror:
'Two inches more, and I would be a king.'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen


The 37-Stitch Circumcision
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the
day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short
intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give
back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club
when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties!
We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner
with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail..... When they
arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to
waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls
instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got
to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She
never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second
man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's
that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she
farted and flew out the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door
would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really
are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff
everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your
back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY,
THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE.":-)

[bonyhadi]

Controlling Husbands

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over
their wives, while the
third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you,
what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The
first two guys were amazed.
"Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man.'









The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee

Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see-there is a hole?

Out in the woods they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."

But in the house, it's plain to see...
there is a bowl in which to pee
(It's usually white and kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)

Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?
If not control, then tell me why...
they make the bathroom such a sty?

Come on guys, get a clue!

You know what you have to do

Be a human not a pig
and don't forget to lift the lid.

When your done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid and push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)

Falling in, it is not fun-
getting water on your bums

Zip up your pants and you're all done
now wasn't that alot of fun??

Keep this little poem in mind~
your woman will find you very kind.











>
>
>HOW TO GET RESULTS
>George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his
>wife
>told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
>see
>from the bedroom window.
>George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
>were
>people in the shed stealing things.
>He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
>no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
>lock his
>door and an officer would be along when available.
>George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
>again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
>people in my
>shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot
>them
>all." Then he hung up.
>Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
>ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
>Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
>One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
>
>them!"
>George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"











The New Dress

by Ron Selby

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"






Here's a great piece of historical trivia - just what you always wanted
to know


Ever wonder where the word "****" comes from.....well here it is

Certain types of manure used to be transported by ship (as everything was
back then). Well, in dry form manure weighed a lot less, but once water
(at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began
again, and a by-product of fermentation is methane gas. And, as this stuff was
stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could - and did - happen.
Methane gas began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below decks at night with a lantern . . . . BOOOM!!!!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what
was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "SHIP HIGH IN
TRANSIT" . . . in other words high enough off the lower decks so that any
water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and begin
the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know that one.

[bonyhadi]

You know you are an e-mail addict when...

1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best
viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."

3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4) You turn off your modem and get this awful
empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

8) You start using smilies in snail mail.

9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged
in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up
the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.

10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com

11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13) Your cat has its own home page.

14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.

16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages."
So you check it again.

17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.

19) You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"

20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer
before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!











Dear God,
**** Grant me the strength to last until Back to School
Night.
* Give me the energy to drive the swim team carpool,
take knots out of wet shoelaces with my teeth and untangle
the dog from the sprinkler hose.
* Grant me the wisdom to remember the name of the
redheaded kid from down the street who hasn't left our
house since July.
**** Walk with me through the backyard over piles of wet
bathing suits and empty ice cream cups, to rescue my good
lipstick from the bottom of the wading pool.
**** Give me the courage to accept that everything in the
refrigerator either has a bite out of it, had a finger
stuck in it or is reproducing in the vegetable crisper
underneath the expensive cheese.
**** Guide me down the hallway to the laundry room, where I
can experience five minutes of peace and quiet by turning
the lights out and climbing on the dryer so the kids can't
see my feet underneath the door.
**** Help me accept that fact that even if I take the kids
to the circus, install a pool in the backyard, go on a
safari, and carve a redwood tree into a canoe and sail down
the Congo, my children will end each day with "I'm bored."
**** Grant me the serenity to smile when my husband insists
on tossing the Hamburger Helper on the gas grill because
"everything tastes better barbecued."
**** In your infinite wisdom, show me how to disconnect the
video game console that hasn't been turned off since June
22.
**** Comfort me when I realize the color of my earth-tone
carpet has changed into a mixture of melted blue Popsicle
and the remains of somebody's purple slushie.
**** And if I ask too much, God, just give me the foresight
to know that one day - not too many years from now - the
barbecue, television and sprinkler hose will be off; the
refrigerator, front door and garage will be closed, and I
will wonder where my children - and the little redheaded
boy with the glasses - went.












YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN.....

1.* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.** You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5.* Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

6.* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.* Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this."

8.* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10.* Your junior prom had a daycare.

11.* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14.* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.* One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17.* You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.* You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.* Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
*

[bonyhadi]

Actual comments heard from US travel agents)

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up from
being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me
with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong
with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled
up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked
him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to
explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought
that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to
get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded
him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never
had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,* "Oh don't be
silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"










I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since
it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my
air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had
bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside,
stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside.
I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was
looking at me strangely.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an
offer."

[bonyhadi]

Traffic Cops

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse f_**ker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes!

Anyway, after giving up with all the arguing, I walked over to my car that was parked around the corner and
drove off......




Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied
Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said
George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times
in one night"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...

15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the
blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks no orgasm.
5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
================================================== ===========
If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a
lower decker pecker checker, and roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer boy
whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy!
================================================== ===========
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six
feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.
================================================== ===========
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good
Samaritan and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag
him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls
down
four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your
husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
==========================================
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure
enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She
becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to
shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up
to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She
replies
"Shut up, you're next."
================================================== ===========
What's the definition of frenzy?
Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.

Why don't blondes use vibraters?
It's too easy to chip their teeth.
================================================== ===========
A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20
years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and
went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers.
She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a
short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from
work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly
spread her legs, and in a husky come **** me voice say's "Honey, would
you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his
breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its
done to your ****in' underwear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"It's got to be your ears!"
*
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to*
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was
obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me."

[CobraDan]

A cute little blond girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the
other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 !
That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other
girls only went as far as D, but listen to me:
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K!

"That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we
went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but
look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum. "Is
that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

[CobraDan]

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion ?
Most of the time you simply get an Onion with long ears..........
but every once in a while you may luck out ..............
and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes .....

[bonyhadi]

Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening
out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of
country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing
money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person
... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant
buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him
all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the
dating pool.

















Martha Stewart VS. The Real Women!

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet
up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant fix me up.

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it
and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites
over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and
drink. You might still
have the headache, but who cares?

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves.They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????

[bonyhadi]

Well, not being terribly well-versed in what to do with
snake bites, I thought I'd at least present what not to
do, or what I think one shouldn't do.
1. Yell "BAD SNAKE!! BAD SNAKE!!" and attempt to stomp
on the snake in revenge
2. Apply a tourniquet and then cut off the leg
3. Set a signal fire in the middle of a dry prairie
4. Try to go after the babies in hopes of preventing
further propagation of the species
5. Run yelling and screaming towards the nearest
highway (if you can remember) "I've been bit!! I've
been bit!!" Discover 2 hours later that you've been
running in circles.
6. Lay down in a bed of flowers and take it like a (wo)
man.
7. Hold down the talk button on your 2 way radio--
someone's bound to hear your wailing at some point.
8. When you get out and you're laying in the hospital
bed, tell everyone that the little 6 inch baby rattler
was actually a 6 foot king cobra. Most people aren't
herpetologists, they'll never know the difference....











Good Questions?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?








argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow
these rules:


Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know
nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the
hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large
martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information.
You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base
solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and
you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981
dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty
level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr.
Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say,
"You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."



Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for
"I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers
more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of
appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would
like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid
points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters"
means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."

OR

You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."


Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring
Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like
something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally
carry weapons.

[bonyhadi]

in two

A 50 year old man is playing golf one day. He gets to the fourth tee which is a 540 yard par 5. He hits an
incredible drive, 300 yards straight down the fairway. But,
the ball hits a sprinkler head and bounces into the woods.

Upset, the man walks down the fairway and into the woods where his ball has ended up.

Seeing he has about 240 yards left to the hole and pull out his 3 iron.

Attempting the muscle the shot the man swings as hard as he can. The ball hits a tree in front of him and
ricochets back and kills him.

He wakes up in heaven and Saint Peter stands there with a book. "I see your'e a golfer, any good?"

"Hey, I got here in two didn't I?"











This elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends,
I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching
this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other
hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so
she places one hand on the television, and her other hand
on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television,
placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
healing the sick, not raising the dead."












------------------------------------------------------------


My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you
procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait."
---Judy Tenuta



A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged
divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the
parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an itchy *****."

He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them
Japanese cars look the same to me."











What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field
anymore? It is a parole violation for him to associate
with known felons.

Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle,
it will be 6-8 weeks before he can videotape a teammate
having sex.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They
got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a Coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium
is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys
play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System" -"Yes
your Honor, No your Honor."

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests,
5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense,
so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring-
training? Studying the Miranda Rights.

[bonyhadi]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a
room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back.

[kountzecobra]

1) It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2) It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3) It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4) It is important that these three women never meet each other.

[bonyhadi]

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My Groups | Best-Adult-Humor2 Main Page



Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no
deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.

OK... here we go... scroll down for the questions...





1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.

In which position are you now?










Answer:
If you answered that you're now first, then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're second. For the next
question try not to be so dim.




2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?










Answer:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they
can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!





Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart! (that was the dictionary's
suggestion)

3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30.
1000 again.
Plus 20.
Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?











Answer:
5000??? Wrong again!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day! Although you should manage to get the last question right...







4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chache
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...









Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie!!! Read the question properly!!!!!

You are clearly the weakest link!

GOODBYE!!!

[bonyhadi]

Blonde Moments!

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state
capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a
dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've
had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that
this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you

could do ...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you.
What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.

As the tour bus passed through a small Australian town a passenger noticed a sheep tied to
a lamp post.
He asked the driver what that was all about. 'Oh', the driver replied, 'that's the
recreation center.'





Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The
wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few
minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a
few days and out number them?"









One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who
among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down
swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only
fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with
a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest
and settled the debate by eating them all...
hawk, lion, and stinker.