Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
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One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat
next to him.
She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five
just walked in. And he's
got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
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the marriage is dead... why not bury it...

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
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An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
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The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag,
and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A parrot developed the bad habit of humping the farmer's hens, making them quit laying.
The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again
catches the parrot humping a hen,
and snatches the parrot bald.

The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them
where to go. She had spent
nearly a year training the parrot for this.

As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right!
Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken- humpers get up here with me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart
attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to
save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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You know you're from a Small Rural Town if...
- You can name everyone you graduated with.
- You know what 4-H is.
- You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middleof a dirt road
.- You used to drag "main."
- You said the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.
- You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
- You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
- You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
- It was cool to date someone from the neighbouring town.
- You had senior skip day.
- The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
- You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks eas tAnderson's, and it's
four houses left of the track
field).
- The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
- You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
- Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise
- You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1960 as the"rich people."
- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
- Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
- Directions are given using "the" gas station as a reference.
- The city council meets at the coffee shop.
- Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
- Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pullover and ask if you need a ride.
- Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
- You can charge at all the local stores.
- The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
- So is the closest mall.
- It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, after he persuaded her to
disrobe in his hotel
room, he found out she had a superb body as well.
Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed,
munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled,"Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a *****. Now I know why
they call you a prick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go
home
right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your dick off?"
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