Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box
and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they! all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim . At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma
says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be
retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

[bonyhadi]

During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital,
Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was
embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The
revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph
Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was
asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the
first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward
Israel.

"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee,
lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied
any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled
because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High,
had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee
official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."

----------------------------

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd
be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been
a plant somewhere." -- Lee Trevino

--------------------------------

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.
It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.'" --Unknown

--------------------------------

Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.

[bonyhadi]

http://www.editionnine.deathrowbook....nf_sertest.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woah! Error! ****!
http://www.blogjam.com/ashe/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished
men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first
term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe
this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
************************************************** *************************
Thorn walks up to man in a pointed hat and the following conversation takes place.....

Thorn: You're Merlin The Magician, aren't you?
Merlin: Why yes .. it's nice to be recognized!
Thorn: Bit of a Wizard .. I hear?
Merlin: Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled
Thorn: Do tricks and things .. don't ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin: Magical ... yes that's correct.
Thorn: Turn Kings into Frogs .. and that sort of thing..
Is that right?
Merlin: Well Yes .. I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Thorn: Ever ****ed up .. Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin: Well Yes .. hasn't everyone?
Thorn: Can you reverse a curse???
Merlin: Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do
it .... Why ?
Thorn: I'm Cursed, Merlin.
Merlin: Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?
Thorn: For years ...
Merlin: Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Thorn: Yeah .. I *can't* EVER forget them!
Merlin: What were they???
Thorn: Something like ...
"Do you take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?"
===========================
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the
emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is
not the AOL Chat Room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?
A: Just tell 'em you can't come.

Q: What should you do if a pretty girl sits on your hand?
A: Try to get her off.


Q: Why do women like to be on top?
A: So they can accuse the guy of screwing up.

Q. Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A. Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

~~~~~~
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist ... and she was going to propose to him.


Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"


"Because he is the First man that ever said to me .... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."
~~~~~~~~~~
A carpenter was doing work for Johnny's folks. Every time the carpenter got out another tool to work with, little Johnny would say,
"My pop has TWO of those."
The carpenter finally had to use the bathroom, and Johnny followed him in there. "I'll bet your pop doesn't have two of THESE," said
the carpenter.
Johnny replied, "No, but he has ONE that will make TWO of yours!"

********************
Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about
getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor,
"I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all
done in one shot. I don't want to have to come
back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw
in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor
asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those
are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"
==============================
STOCK MARKET WARNING
Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn
you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in
the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company. Due to
uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a
tough market out there. Be careful.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````````````````````````

[bonyhadi]

EXACTLY LIKE HER
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
################################################## ####
UNZIPPED
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to
get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick
smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the
step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted thestep, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more
and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
************************************************** **********************************
Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his
face, so she said, " Well honey, what are you smiling at?"
Bill replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls."
A big smile came across Hilary's face.
Bill said, "What are you smiling about?"
Hilary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it.Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and
sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water.
Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do.
The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag and starts
devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.
The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****!
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````
BETS AT THE BANK OF CANADA
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings
account because, it's a lot of money.
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, $165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came into all of this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets".
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure", said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win
the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay", said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
NO FRILLS AIRLINES
With airlines strapped for cash, you might end up seeing a couple of changes the next time you decide to fly.YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
WHEN...
13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"
3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
##############################################
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. - - -
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Aft er just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her, said that you never know what a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. Not only did he not take me to Niagara Falls as he had promised, all we did was drive through a car wash a
couple of times, really slowly."
- - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - -
When the census-taker came to this house, the woman was really bragging about having quadruplets, noting how that happens only once in 300,000 times.
The census-taker (not that impressed probably) noted: "It's a wonder you had time for cooking or the laundry."
===============================================
"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."
"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied."Those things can be tricky to remove."
"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which doesn't allow emergency room visits except for life-threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least
turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."
b

[bonyhadi]

t may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the association "pause from men." Prior to that, some women may experience a sort of preview: "Men, get
your paws off of me!"
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````
"Honey," the wife said, "I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless."
"Great idea!" the husband replied. "And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out, see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MORE FAVORITE BUMPER SNICKERS:
I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You.
Seen on a pickup truck: The more I learn about women, the more I like my truck! Seen on the back of a large SUV: If you can't stop, at least smile as you go under.
************************************************** *****************************************
CLASSES FOR MEN NOTE:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 18 participants each.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THERIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE
SCREAMING.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation.Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
THREE WAY DEBATE
Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.
As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman took an inexperienced man
home one night. When they got to
her apartment, she suggested that
they try a 69. "What do you mean?"
he asked. Not knowing quite how to
explain, she said "you put your head
between my legs and I'll put my head
between your legs" Still unsure but
willing, he agreed. As soon as he got
his head between her legs, she let
out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try
again" she said.

On the second attempt the very same
thing happened. The man immediately
got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked,
to which he replied: "If you think
I'm sticking around for 67 more of
those, you're crazy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him
what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant
woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiots Guide To Sex
* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and
learn the language.

* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

* Membership of the Mile*High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to
bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.
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THE NEW DRESS

The New Dress

by Ron Selby

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
************************************************** *

[bonyhadi]

"Ace Pilot"



Zack volunteered for military service during WWII.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he
was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.



The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is
the best flier on the base.



All they could do was give him his gold wings and
assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the
Pacific.



On his first day aboard he took off and single-
handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then
climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more
Japanese plans and shot them all down, too.



Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed
out and jogged over to the Captain.



Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do
on my very first day?"



The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant
mistake!!"










====================








TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breath

[bonyhadi]

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she
has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of
the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and
says, That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's,
five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
================================================== ===========
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In
fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all
the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a
good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local
TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the
Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful
crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red
beans..."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you
be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!!
The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the
Super Bowl!
For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the
audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those
people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
================================================== ===========
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred
home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman
replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No,
sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for
cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died
yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a
week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
================================================== ===========
A lawyer who was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness,
stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge replied: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."
================================================== ===========
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's
spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's
spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!"

The one man turns to her and says, "Madam, it's obvious that you've
never heard an elephant fart."
================================================== ===========
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.

7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you don't have a waterbed.

10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.

15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.

16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

18.Your income check bounces.

19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

20.Your pet rock snaps at you.

21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
================================================== ===========
What is the loose skin around the ***** called?
The woman.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

================================================== ===========
One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine.
While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.
He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on
her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.
On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a
bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let
her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"
"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape.You must have her
consent!"
After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on
my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey,I
have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the
top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.
When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a
virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.
If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good
enough for ours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


ARE YOU NORMAL



Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

Remember when you are reading this
90% of people say that they sometimes lie.
AROUND THE HOUSE* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)
HABITS* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
FOOD* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
HYGIENE* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
DRIVING* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
(This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact
speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
(Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while
simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break
light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behing you)
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
RELIGION* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
(That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.
DAILY LIVING* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
LOVE & SEX* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
(How many claim they are?)
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)
(And what percent said yes?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Restroom Policy

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom PolicyIn the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines.
Effective Feb. 25, 2000 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points.
RTC can be accumulated from month to month.
Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition.
During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to management.
The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb.
Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 2000.
If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.
In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor.
If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building.
A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee.
Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open.
If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn
on.Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated.
If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

[ssirlin]

The police respond to a neighbor's call late at nite about screaming coming fromthe house next door. After breaking down the door, the detectives observe a man with a bloody golf club in his hands, standing over a dead woman. He has blood all over his clothes.
The detective, jotting down notes in a notebook, asks the bloody man with the club, " That your wife ?"
Man with the club answers "yep"
Detective : "Get into a fight ?"
Man : "yep"
Detective : "How many times did you hit her , 9 or 10 ? "
Man : " Yep, but put me down for a 5 !"

[xlr8or]

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers,
and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert
for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and
Clark National Forests. They advise people to wear
noise-producing devices such as little bells on their
clothing to alert, but not startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray
in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should
be able to recognize the difference between black bear
and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.

[xlr8or]

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh,
I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost
here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I
know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood
dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth
full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

[bonyhadi]

As a public service to all those interested parties, I offer you information that was heretofore only available to medical professionals.
Use this tool wisely!

http://www.sizehimup.co.uk/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital,
Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was
embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The
revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph
Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was
asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the
first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward
Israel.

"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee,
lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied
any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled
because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High,
had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee
official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
`````````````````````````````````````````````
Amazing how stupid people can be!

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
``````````
Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected
outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
`````````````
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
````````````````
One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
````````````````
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered
for 3 days.
````````````````````
In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved
cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian
Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that
one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.
````````````````````
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
``````````````
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter
is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nina, Jill, and Mary were duly impressed when Rosey arrived for theirweekly bridge game wearing a gorgeous new mink coat. "That's a lovely mink, Rosey," purred
Nina. "It must have cost you afortune!" "But it didn't," said Rosey. "What do you mean it didn't?" asked Mary. "Just a single piece of ass," replied Rosey. "You
mean," continued Jill, "for giving your husband a piece of ass?" "No," smiled Rosey, "for the piece of ass he got from his secretary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .

[bonyhadi]

My dad said to my mother, "You should go braless." She says, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?" He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of
your face." >>>He's still in the hospital!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John walked into a Porsche dealership, opened the door of a new Boxster,took a seat behind the wheel and smiled. A salesman approached and asked, "Are you
thinking about buying this car?" "Oh, I'm definitely going to buy this car," John said, "but I'm thinking about *****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer and his brand-new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's
once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little while, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but he reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun, and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kinds of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````````````````````````````
Stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:
- - At the movies when you meet acquaintances or friends:
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Well, it's so hot, and there were no cool cabs, so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

- - In the bus when a fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet. Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia, so why don't you try again?

- - At a funeral when one of the teary-eyed people asks:
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people?
Answer: Why? Would you rather it have been you?

- - At a restaurant when you ask the waiter:
Stupid Question: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
Answer: No, its terrible and made of last week's dish water. We occasionally also spit in it.

- -When a friend announces her wedding:
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout. It's just the money.

- - When you get awakened at midnight by a phone call:
Stupid Question: Sorry, were you sleeping?
Answer: No. I was just lying here waiting for you to phone.

- - When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair:
Stupid Question: Hey! Have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, it's spring, and I'm shedding.

- - At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects into your mouth:
Stupid Question: Will you tell me if it hurts?
Answer: Yeah, and while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

```````
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````````````
Hunks2002[1]

What The Doctor Really Means

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it
cures itself."

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you
for another office visit."

Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the
nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

Says:"Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
.
Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

[bonyhadi]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the
driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before
I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out
so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,
slap her on the ass and say,
'You as horny as I am?' and, she always acts like she's sound asle











Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A
DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)














Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people
call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't
dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play,
or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your
hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school.
In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes or colleges that
accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or
if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or not accepted
you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how
you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion.
It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with
love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and
building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean.
It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.
Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone
else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.







Statistically Speaking

The number of physicians in the U.S is 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171. (U.S. Dept of Health & Human
Services)


The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.

The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.


Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. In the interest of public health I have
withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause
people to seek medical attention.

[bonyhadi]

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees


Have to write a letter of recommendation for that
fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:


For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."


For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."


For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."


For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left
unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."


For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."


For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."


For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."


==========





15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.


2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for
it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.


13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque
books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!!!
And a couple of men to really make their day!!!!!!









ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS:


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the
past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.












Donkey and onion


Q: What do you get if you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in a while,
you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.







A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at
the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and
junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.












Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin,and coming in the opposite direction was Father
O'Rafferty. "Hello,"said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?
"She replied "Aye, that you did,Father." "And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya." "Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she
went. Some years later they met again
.
"Well now, Mrs.O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father.I've had three sets of twins, and
four singles - oh yes, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said."And how is your wonderful husband?" "Oh," she said,"E's gone to Rome to
blow out yer' fookin' candle."






New Words to an old Dylan Song:

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

[bonyhadi]

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather..and unto the
Sonnnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."











I went to a psychiatrist because I was having
severe problems with my sex life. The
psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but
didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of
my problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your
girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he
was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look
into this further. Now tell me, you say that
you have only seen your girlfriend's face
once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw her face that
time?"

"She was watching her sister and me through
the window."







Charlie sold strawberries off his truck
out in the suburbs. He knocked on the door
of a house. "Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around back," answered the pretty
young blonde.
Charlie walked to the rear, rang the bell,
and the woman opened the door. To Cooperman's
shock, she stood there stark naked. Not a
stitch of clothes on.

Charlie started to cry.

"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best
friend," explained Charlie, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and
now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries."

[bonyhadi]

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are
thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we
can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test
results are back. Stop sharing the love."





..............

he true meaning of ****…<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" />



Ever wonder where the word "****" comes from. Well here it is:



Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was

Back then)by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation
began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did)
happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was

Discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to
the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



Bet you didn't know that one.



Here I always thought it was a golf term.

[bonyhadi]

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood
restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales,
$5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for
lobster tails ... is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster
tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down.
She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over
close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster
..."













Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After
pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian
again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his
search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't
find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

"Tequila Mockingbird

[427sharpe]

At a small rural church in Texas....
On Sunday in the middle of the sermon, suddenly Satan appears in the midst of the congregation, starting a stampede for the door. Satan, feeling he has done a good days work cracks a smile until he notices a single old man sitting calmly in the back. Satan goes up to him, bellows "Do you know who I am?!?" "Yep" replies the old man. Satan: "Do you know I can kill you with a single word, or make you live in excruciating torment for eternity?" "Yep" again from the old man. "Are you not fearful???"
"Nope." "WHY NOT? What strength have you to resist Satan!" The old man met Satan's gaze and calmly replied..."Can't be any worse than bein' married to your older sister for 42 years!"

[bonyhadi]

Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS ED=

ITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the state of Texas. If y=

ou have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:=


WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on th=

e Alamo.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption" Dial Up Networking is called =

"Good Ol' Boys" Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard" Hard Drive is refe=

rred to as "4-Wheel Drive" Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs" Ins=

tead of an error message, "Duct tape" pops up CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXA=

S EDITION:
Cancel..............stopdat
Reset................try'er agin
Yes..................yep
No...................nope
Find.................hunt fer it
Go to...............over yonder
Back................back yonder
Help.................hep me out here
Stop..................kwitit
Start.................crank'er up
Settings............settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.......stuff ah done did
Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punc=

tuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000: Tiperiter...........a wor=

d processing
program
Colerin' Book............ * * a graphics program
Cyferin' mersheen..... * * calculator
Outhouse paper......... * * * notepad
Inner-net......Microsoft Explorer 5.0
Pitchers............a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of th=

e TEXAS EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps ya'll!
Billy Bob Gates











My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear
so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the
problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears
and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady
if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should
go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover
and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"
hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use
deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs
don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either,
and if you must know

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."












An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven
Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few
minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts
again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeakier and says, "Fieldgoal, I'm leading 17 to 14." Now the
pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a
defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he ****s the bed. The wife looks
and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."















A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing
on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street a drunk driver
skids around the corner and hits her. She goes flying into the air
, and lands unconscious on her back with her charms
exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's
crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime the
drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over
to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street,
he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice,
"Well, the firthst ting we gotta do is get dat guy outta there!"










Be sure to lock your doors and windows at home.
A man from Boston was found dead in his home last weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down
in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes and a banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer