Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Turn up your volume for these...

Granny Boobs Hang Low

Click here: http://www.debsfunpages.com/swf4/boobs_hang_low.swf


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://people.freenet.de/freeek/SajjadAli.swf
This link came to me with a note that said to turn the volume up
way loud because the site is pretty quiet. I will tell you right now,
this scared the **** out of me. It about knocked me out of my chair.
So, if you're game for a thrill, turn your volume up and click.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~`
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
[good deed) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!" says the rabbi. "Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!" says the rabbi. "A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Information for Women;

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...
And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse
steaks but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular ****ing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain
cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover
earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
================================================== ===========

Worth a chuckle!! Jew Crush'? Real-life Gidget Rides a New
Wave of Fame



FORWARD STAFF
With the opening this month of "Blue Crush" â€1 a Universal Studios film about women surfers â€1
countless reviewers have cried, "move over, Gidget!"
But the woman who inspired it all, the real Gidget, Kathy Kohner Zuckerman, is anything but ready to
throw in the towel. In fact, as the 61-year-old told the Forward at the start of her interview, "I'm ready to
rock and roll!"
Indeed, with women's surfing hotter than ever, Zuckerman has many reasons to rock. The 1957 book that
started it all, "Gidget," by Zuckerman's father, Frederick Kohner, is currently in its second printing since its
reissue in 2001. The 1965 ABC series "Gidget" â€1 which launched Sally Field's career â€1 is currently in
reruns on TV Land, garnering nearly 500,000 viewers five days a week.
"What's exciting for me is that there's interest in the character," Zuckerman said affably.
Still, when most people think "Gidget," they think sun, sand and virginity â€1 in other words, Sandra Dee,
who played the surfer girl in the 1959 movie. Most don't know that Gidget was based on a true story â€1
the story of a young Jewish girl who spent her tender teenage years learning how to "hang ten" and be
one of the boys.
Zuckerman was born in Los Angeles in 1941, the daughter of Czechoslovakian parents who had been living
in Berlin. Frederick Kohner, a screenwriter, and his wife, Fritzie, left Nazi Germany in 1936, first living in
London and later arriving in California, where Kohner wrote screenplays for the major Hollywood studios.
"I really had a great upbringing," Zuckerman recalled, noting that then-recent horrors in Europe did not
touch her life in sunny Southern California. "In retrospect, a lot of my parents' friends were of the same ilk
â€1 I wouldn't use the term refugees. They were in the movie business, my father's brother was in the
movie business, their friends were in the movie business."
Although the family celebrated Christmas and Easter, "I knew I was Jewish," she said.
In 1954, the family moved back to Berlin for two years. When Zuckerman returned to California at age 15,
she had trouble relating to her peers. "One of the reasons I ventured into the surfing world was that
people had this weird vision: 'Europe? Where's that?'" she said.
Plus, "I always grew up with the idea that the beach and the sun is good for you," Zuckerman said. "When
I came back from Germany, my mother thought I should not spend Saturday afternoons at the movie
theater with the girls, I should go to the beach."
It was there that Zuckerman found her home. She was enthralled by the surfing culture â€1 and the young
men with names such as Mysto, Steak and Moondoggie. "That's when I decided I was going to surf," she
said. "This is it, this is what I wanted to do. It consumed me. I kept a diary, and every day seemed about
the beach."
Soon Zuckerman was known at the beach as Gidget â€1 a combination of "girl" and "midget," thanks to
her petite frame â€1 and was recounting stories of her summertime adventures to her father. "I said I
wanted to write a story about what's going on at Malibu," she recalled. "He said, 'Why don't you tell me,
and I'll write the story for you.' He wrote a great story; he embellished it for a certain charm and dramatic
purpose. I was able to capture the language in my diary â€1 'today was *****en'' or 'the surf was up' â€1
but he created a story."
Kohner wrote "Gidget" in six weeks. It became a best-seller. "Gidget" the movie spawned countless sequels
and imitators ("Gidget Must Die: A Killer Surf Novel," a not atypical title) as surfing became a national
phenomenon.
By that time, however, Zuckerman had stopped riding the waves. "The summer of 1960 was the last time I
went surfing," she said. "It was a combination of reasons. Malibu got very crowded. The fellas I had spent
time with had moved on â€1 some to military service. Perhaps it was a rite of passage for me in my years
of angst, 15 to 18, when I was becoming a woman. I was able to slide â€1 no pun intended â€1 through
the years of passage to adulthood."
In 1965, Zuckerman married Marvin Zuckerman, a professor of Yiddish and now retired dean of Los
Angeles Valley College. "With my husband I learned Yiddish culture, a whole area of Yiddishkeyt, Jewish
things that I was not aware of." The couple has two grown sons and two granddaughters.
Today, Zuckerman works at Duke's, a Malibu restaurant named after the "father of surfing," the Hawaiian
legend Duke Kahanamoku. She is an honorary member of the Malibu Surfing Association (as well as a
dues-paying member of Kehillat Israel, a Reconstructionist synagogue in Pacific Palisades) and has been
honored in countless surfing magazines.
"I hate to think of myself as a legend," Zuckerman said, adding, "Now I'm grandma Gidget. Cowabunga!"
_______________________

[bonyhadi]

THE CARE AND THRASHING
OF SMALL CHILDREN
by
Lieut. Col. A.R.S. Thistleton-Twistleton ffoulkes-Belcher
VD, GPI, AA & Bar, DT, RIP
Visiting Lecturer in Corporal Punishment,
Cynthia Payne Business School, East Cheam

LEARNED INTRODUCTION: CONTRA PANSY ATTITUDES

It used to be universally recognized that all children should be savagely beaten on a regular basis. Sadly, we live in decayed times and
are much afflicted with the Curse of Political Correctness. This Socialistic nonsense holds that children are in fact "people," with "human
rights," and that the arrant nonsense they habitually babble should be listened to and taken
seriously. Furthermore, the Childhood Commissars of our so-called Caring Society hold that any
adult exercising his natural propensity to flay the living daylights out of his squalling brats is
guilty of something called Child Abuse.

Balderdash! Children are beasts, and in common with the rest of Brute Creation (including wives
and the working-classes, but excluding dogs and horses) the only sensible way to deal with their
irritating existence is via The Lash. This is something that every true Englishman instinctively
knows. Pretending otherwise is akin to that fashionable degeneracy which leads some of us to
refer to the Frogs and Huns as "our European partners." Such moral spinelessness veers
dangerously close to homosexuality in my view, and we can do without our offspring learning
that from us. Why otherwise do we spend good drinking-money on fees to send them to Public
School?

WHAT CHILDREN ARE FOR

Here indeed is the crux of the matter. Before the start of their formal education, children are
not much good for anything. Nor indeed are they a great deal of good for anything during their
time at school, at Varsity (if one is very unlucky), or in the Young Offenders' Institution, but at
least they are Not In One's Hair. Given that one cannot, in this Vile Age, expose them on the
mountainside, sell them into slavery, or pack them off as boarders much before the age of five,
one had better find something to do with them. This should (a) ensure that they are Neither
Seen Nor Heard (the better-known variation on this maxim is yet another lamentable example
of modern-day Namby-Pambyism), and (b) prepare them for the Reality of Life once one can
decently dispatch them to Prep School and forget about them until the summonses or the debt-collectors start to arrive.

The answer to (a) is of course a Governess. To (b) it is Thrashing. It might be argued at this point that one could resolve the matter
most satisfactorily by appointing a Thrashing Governess, but this would be to miss the main point, viz that thrashing is both a Paternal
Duty and Fun! By taking responsibility for the physical chastisement of your own offspring, you are demonstrating your affiliation to
Family Values, and also gaining a deal of satisfaction from what otherwise would be a thankless and unrewarding situation.

For the truth is that your son will never repay his debt to you for begetting him, far less that for paying his wine-merchant's bills or
procuring the relevant surgical procedures, until he be safely ensconced in the City, whereupon you may start sending him your
bookmaker's letters and claims from the Child Support Agency. Your daughter will never, alas, be of any use, unless she marries
someone considerably wealthier than your wealthiest creditor, who also happens to be susceptible to blackmail or card-tricks.

THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF THRASHING

It is important to retain the element of surprise. A child has no need to know why it is being beaten, only that it is being beaten. This
keeps the infant in a suitable state of uncertainty, which will tend to reduce its willingness to misbehave, speak, or even breathe in your
presence. It may even hide under items of furniture at your approach, a cheerful eventuality that could save you several hundred
pounds a year in governess' wages. However, there is something to be said, on a character-forming level, for hunting down concealed
children and thrashing them for running away, shouting something like "I will make you wish that you had never been born." This will
certainly be of use to them in their school years, and they will come to thank and respect you for it.

In happier times, when The Rod was Not Spared, and the Child Not Spoilt, certain headmasters used to preface the administration of
Six of the Best with the phrase "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." Poppycock. The sole purpose of the flogging of
children is to cause them pain, and the infliction thereof is a pleasure utterly different from that of the reception. Being beaten
regularly can, however, form the basis of a Lifelong Interest and Rewarding Hobby, to which a fellow may return often, as indeed I do
to this day in the company of my manservant, Proops.

PARAPHENALIA

The correct implements for inflicting corporal punishment are as important to a chap as the correct guns for bagging grouse, the correct
rod for trout, or the correct horsewhip. In the last-named case there is potential for joint usage, although I personally would counsel
against keeping the same whip for one's horses as for one's children: one never knows what diseases the little brutes are carrying.
Some more educationally minded fathers prefer the traditional cane: these can be had for very little cost in a variety of thickness from
the local Garden Centre. Walking-sticks are highly effective, although visible bruising tends these days to excite the interest of a
variety of do-gooders and other ne'er-do-wells, and one should always remember that thrashing is not Rugby Football or Riding To
Hounds: the aim is to inflict flesh-wounds rather than compound fractures.

I have a particular affection for the Tawse, a miniature leather cat-o'-nine-tails much beloved of Caledonian schoolmasters until it was
taken away from them by the unwashed Anarchists who now dictate public policy in that benighted Northern Land. The Cat itself will
doubtless appeal to Naval types, but I feel I should relate in warning the tale of an acquaintance of mine, a Rear-Admiral so wedded to
maritime tradition that after flogging his children he attempted to keelhaul them from a rowing-boat on the Round Pond on Hampstead
Heath. He ended his days in a lunatic asylum.

A safe standby is one's own trusty belt, so long as it be made of stout leather, and so long as one's trousers may be secured during
the flogging procedure, since there are few things more irksome than trying to pursue a fleeing juvenile miscreant whilst impeded by
one's own nether garments. Belts come in a satisfying variety of thickness and weights. Proops informs me that certain "fetish" shops
can supply large studded ones for special occasions. Distressed gentlefolk should be aware that a plank of wood with a nail through it is
perfectly acceptable as a thrashing implement, so long as the timber be British and the nail not rusty.

[bonyhadi]

We're Attacking Iraq,
Please Don't Tell!
Commentary by Ron Charles for
The Christian Science Monitor

From: Director of CIA

To: All Secret Agents (you know who you are)

Re: Secret War Plans (shhhhhh!)

The President (code name: George W.) is increasingly alarmed about leaks concerning our plans to attack a certain country in the Middle East (rhymes with "I pack").

Despite our best efforts – including wide distribution of Cap'n Crunch Decoder Rings – rumors of our intentions to change the regime of S.H. (use the ring, use
the ring!) continue to appear in the press.

(Plans to topple the NYT will be discussed in our next midnight meeting at the Big Oak Tree. George W. to bring s'mores.)

What's more troubling, I saw on CNN (Cable [something?] Network) that members of Congress are openly debating our war plans. We cannot and will not tolerate
these threats to democracy. Effective immediately – or when the little hand reaches the 9 – all agents should institute the following top-secret precautions:

1) Remove "We're Comin' to Get YOU, Saddam!" bumper stickers from all undercover automobiles and trucks.

2) When making obscene phone calls to the Iraqi Royal Palace, put a cloth over the mouthpiece to disguise your voice.

3) Discreetly float decoy stories about U.S. plans to attack France to confuse the enemy. (IMPORTANT: Do not actually attack France without prior approval!)

4) Agents who pose as Middle East experts should remove their CIA pocket protectors when appearing on Sunday morning TV shows. (And when sending
thank-you notes to the interviewer, sign your name in invisible ink.)

By following these simple precautions, we can significantly reduce the level of preattack transparency and preserve the all-important element of surprise.

Signed,

XXX

(Agents who do not receive a hard copy of this memo can read it on the FOX News Network at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m.)










HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
> out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
> He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
> second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives
> past a third sign saying:
>
> SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
> side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next
to
> the door reading:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
> long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
>
> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
> possibly doing business."
>
> "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
> He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
>
> The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
> door."
>
> He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
> habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in thecup,
> then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
>
> He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
> trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
> behind him.
>
> As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
> facing another small sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>







Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother
cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,
"Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!"

cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[bonyhadi]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother
cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,
"Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!"

cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[CobraDan]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said,
"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[CobraDan]

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket full of change. (And to think all we did was sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball," He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There
was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[CobraDan]

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

[CobraDan]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the
church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n roll gospel choir, and we are packed to the
balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions
have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon
sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!"

[Gordon Claunch]

A PLEA FOR HELP!-- Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity.

We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome what may be our greatest challenge yet

Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help.

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexis for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Infielder [ ] Outfielder [ ] Starting Pitcher [ ] Ace Pitcher

[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team ! ($10 per minute)

[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day) Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-PORK-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

[CobraDan]

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly.
"Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

[CobraDan]

A 70 YEAR OLD MAN WAS FISHING AND AS HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT, HE HEARD A
VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANYONE.

HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP." HE
LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG.

THE MAN SAID "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll
TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE
MOST WONDERFUL
SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN
REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST
POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID
KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D
RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG.

[rdorman]

...the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

[bonyhadi]

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s' and much admired for her sweetness
& kindness to all.


One afternoon early in spring a priest came to see her to chat and so
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have
a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the
young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled
with water and in it a condom. Imagine how shocked and surprised he was.
Imagine his curosity.!! Surely, he thought Sister Mary had flipped or
something.


When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. Of course,
the priest tried to stifle his curosity about the bowl of water and the
strange floater in it., but it soon got the better of him and he could
resist no longer.


"Sister," he said ," I wonder if you could tell me about this?" pointing
to the crystal bowl.
"Oh yes" she replied isn't it wonderful?" I was walking downtown one
day last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you
know I haven't had a cold all winter."









Here is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to* his
congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money
to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your
pockets. : )
--------------------------------------------------------

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of
the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the
carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and
grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
--------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we
know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
boy. "Really?* How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does
art in Heaven... "
--------------------------------------------------------

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday
weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young
man, sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean; same in my business."

--------------------------------------------------------

People want the front of the bus, back of the church & center of attention.
-------------------------------------------------------

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws

trying to enforce 10 commandments.
--------------------------------------------------------

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world, there are
those who wake up in the morning and say
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."
--------------------------------------------------------

A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a
citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
--------------------------------------------------------

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the
Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the
Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, what does
the Bible mean?" "Daddy, It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth







STUNNING NEW PROOF: NASA NEVER WENT TO THE MOON!

What astronautical idiots! The shadows were all wrong, and
even reflections in the helmets, when magnified, show a dude
with a Nikon wearing street clothes taking a snap!
Old people should demand a tax refund from 1969!
******** http://www.dc8p.com/html/moonhoax.html
I'm MORE than
unconvinced!

[bonyhadi]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring Kingdom. The monarch could
have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise
men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be
high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to
answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made
obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice
compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And
so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone
very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But
what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked
what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch,
she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his
friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous
witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? (What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.)

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she
would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.






New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one
or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all
variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple
black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. These are awesome... enjoy.


Tell the kids I love them.
-God


Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God


C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God


What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God


We need to talk.
-God


Keep using my name in vain,
I'll make rush hour longer.
-God


Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God


That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God


I love you and you
and you and you and...
-God


Will the road you're on
get you to my place?
-God


Follow me.
-God


Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God


My way is the highway.
-God


Need directions?
-God


You think it's hot here?
-God


Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea
where you're going?
-God


(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there.
-God










Things my mother never told me...

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Duct tape is like the force -- there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.



There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the Iowa license plates?









There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here
is a harp that, when you push this button here,
will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time
in heaven."


Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his
face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green
cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud
with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of
celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to
the Pearly Gates.


He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and
I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman
to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son "












Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig,

the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old

wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna

huff and puff, and blow your house down."

And he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up

and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house

down!"

And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew
down our houses and we're scared!"

So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them

and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the

stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the

phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a

sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came

two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.

They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the **** out of him. Then they got back into
their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf
bleeding on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the

Guinea Pigs."

[bonyhadi]

The following ad appeared in the local daily...

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
* I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your 4x4,
hunting, camping, fishing trips, braais, and cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
* Kiss me and I'm yours.
* Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Lady Jane."


Over 250 men found themselves talking to the SPCA about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.....









Subject: Diet Coke or Not? - Important!!!!!
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 22:28:31 EDT



<< Subject: DIET COKE OR NOT?
Diet Coke or Not??

In October of 2001, my sister started getting very sick, she had stomach
spasms, she was having a hard time getting around, to walk was a major
chore. It took everything she had just to get out of bed, she was in so
much pain. By March 2002, she had undergone biopsies, and was on 24
various prescription medications. The doctors could not figure out what
was wrong with her. She was in so much pain, and so sick, she knew she was
dying.

She put her house, bank accounts, life insurance etc. in her oldest
daughters name, and made sure her younger children were to be with her
oldest daughter. She wanted her last hooray, so she planned a trip to FL
(basically in a wheelchair) for March 22nd. On March 19th I called her to
ask her how one of her tests went, and she said they didn't find anything
on the test, but they believe she had MS. I thought, oh, my....then I
recalled an article a friend of mine emailed to me...and I asked her....Do
you drink Diet pop? She told me yes, as a matter of fact she was getting
ready to crack one open that moment, I told her not to open it, and
stopdrinking the diet pop....and I emailed her the following article. She
called me within 32 hours after our phone conversation and told me she
stopped drinking the diet pop, and she can walk...she went up the stairs,
and the muscle spasms went away. She said she didn't feel 100% but sure
felt a lot better. She told me she was going to her doctors with this
article and would call me back when she got home.

She called me, and her doctor was amazed, he is going to call all of his
MS patients to find out if they consumed artificial sweetener. In a
nutshell, she was being poisoned by the aspartame in the diet soda, dying
a slow death.

When she got to FL March 22nd, all she had to take was one pill, and that
was a pill for poisoning....she is well on her way to recovery.....and she
is walking!!!!! No wheelchair!!!! This article saved her life!!!! The
life saving article: If it says "SUGAR FREE," on the label, DO NOT EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT! I have spent several days lecturing at the WORLD
ENVIRONMENTAL CONFERENCE on "ASPARTAME" marketed as 'NutraSweet', 'Equal',
and 'Spoonful'. In the keynote address by the EPA, it was announced that in
the United Statesin 2001 there is an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and
systemic lupus, that it was hard to understand what toxin was causing this
to be rampant. I stood up and said that I was there to lecture on exactly
that subject.

I will explain why Aspartame is so dangerous: When the temperature of this
sweetener exceeds 86 degrees F, the wood alcohol in ASPARTAME converts to
Eformaldehyde and then to formic acid, which in turn causes metabolic
acidosis. (Formic acid is the poison found in the sting of fire ants.) The
methanol toxicity mimics among other conditions multiple sclerosis. People
were being diagnosed with having multiple sclerosis in error. The multiple
sclerosis is not a death sentence, where methanol toxicity is! Systemic
lupus has become almost as rampant as multiple sclerosis,especially with
Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi drinkers. The victim usually does not know that the
aspartame is the culprit. He or she continues its use, aggravating the
lupus to such a degree that it may become life-threatening. We have seen
patients with systemic lupus become asymptomatic once taken off diet
sodas. In the case of those diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, (when in
reality, the disease is methanol toxicity), most of the symptoms
disappear. We've seen many cases where vision returned and hearing
improved markedly. This also applies to cases of tinnitus.

During a lecture I said "If you are using ASPARTAME (NutraSweet, Equal,
Spoonful, etc.) and you suffer from fibromyalgia symptoms, spasms,
shooting pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo, dizziness,
headaches, tinnitus, joint pain, depression, anxiety attacks, slurred
speech, blurred vision, or memory loss-you probably have ASPARTAME
DISEASE!" People were jumping up during the lecture saying, "I've got some
of these symptoms: Is it reversible?" Yes! Not drinking diet sodas and
keeping an eye out for aspartame on food labels, yes!

We have a very serious problem. A stranger came up to Dr. Espisto (one of
my speakers) and me and said: "Could you tell me why so many people seem to
be coming down with MS?" During a visit to a hospice, a nurse said that
six of her friends, who were heavy Diet Coke addicts, had all been
diagnosed with MS. This is beyond coincidence! Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi
etc. IS NOT A DIET PRODUCT! The Congressional Record states that it makes
you crave carbohydrates and will make you FAT. The formaldehyde stores in
the fat cells, particularly in the hips and thighs. Once off these
products with no significant increase in exercise, etc., Dr. Roberts in his
lecture stated that he had patient who lost an average of 19 pounds over a
trial period.

Aspartame is especially dangerous for diabetics. We found that physicians
would believe that they have a patient with retinopathy, when in fact the
symptoms are caused by aspartame. The aspartame drives the blood sugar out
of control. Thus diabetics may suffer acute memory loss due to the fact
that aspartic acid and phenylalanine are neurotoxic without the other
amino acids found in protein. Thus it passes the blood brain barrier and
deteriorates the neurons of the brain, causing in diabetics (as well as in
patients not suffering from diabetes) various kinds of brain damage,
seizures, depression, manic depression, panic attacks, rage, violence. (The
Aspartame in thousands of pallets of diet Coke and diet Pepsi consumed by
men and women fighting in the Gulf War, may be partially to blame for the
well-known Gulf War Syndrome.) Dr. Roberts warns that it can cause birth
defects i.e. mental retardation rslt if taken at the time of conception
and early pregnancy. Children are especially at risk for neurological
disorders and should NOT be given NutraSweet. I can relate different case
histories of children having mal seizures and other disturbances being on
NutraSweet. Unfortunately it is not always easy to convince a mother that
aspartame is to blame for her child's illness. Only by trial and success
will she be able to warn other mothers to take their children's health in
their own hands. Stevia, a sweet herb, NOT A MANUFACTURED ADDITIVE,
which helps in the metabolism of sugar (which would be ideal for diabetics)
has now been approved as a dietary supplement by the FDA. For years the FDA
has outlawed this sweet food because of their loyalty to MONSANTO. Books
on this subject are available: EXCITOTOXINS: THE TASTE THAT KILLS -
written by Dr. Russell Blayblock (Health Press 1-800-643-2665) and DEFENSE
AGAINST ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE - written by DR H. J. Roberts, also a diabetic
specialist. These two doctors will be posting a position paper with some
case histories on the deadly effects of Aspartame on the Internet.

According to the Conference of the AmericanCollegeof Physicians "we are
talking about a plague of neurological diseases caused by this deadly
poison." Here is the problem: There were Congressional Hearings when
aspartame was included in 100 different products. Since this initial
hearing, there have been two subsequent hearings, but to no avail. Nothing
has been done. The drug and chemical lobbies have very deep pockets. Now
there are over 5,000 products containing this chemical, and the PATENT HAS
EXPIRED!!!!! I assure you, MONSANTO, the creator of Aspartame knows how
deadly it is. They fund among others, the American Diabetes Association, the
American Dietetic Association, the Conference of the AmericanCollegeof
Physicians. This has been exposed in the New York Times - to no avail. These
Associations cannot criticize any additives or convey their link to
MONSANTO because they take money from the food industry and have to endorse
their products. Senator Howard Hetzenbaum wrote a bill that would have
warned all infants, pregnant mothers and children of the dangers of
aspartame. The bill would have also instituted independent studies on the
problems existing in the population (seizures, changes in brain chemistry,
changes neurological and behavioral; symptoms). It was killed by the
powerful drug and chemical lobbies, letting loose the hounds of disease and
death on an unsuspecting public. >>






Guy is out with buddies - has few drinks, gets feeling frisky - but being
true to his wife, goes home. Finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth
wide open, gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.


Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"


He says, "Two aspirin."


She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"


He says, "Now that's what I wanted to hear".

[bonyhadi]

You Should Concerned About Your Date If...


--------------------------------------------


~ He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer twice.


~ Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2."


~ He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.


~ Calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as


the stand off with the police is over.


~ You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't


Rockefeller, honey."


--------------------------------------------


Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...


--------------------------------------------


15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the
blanket.


14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.


13. PMS lasts all month.


12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.


11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"


10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.


9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.


8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.


7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.


6. Two weeks no orgasm.


5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.


4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.


3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.


2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.


And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...


1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.









Little Johnny's mother decided to take Little Johnny to the zoo. When
they got to the monkey cage, the two monkeys in there were getting it
on.

"Mommy! Mommy! What are the monkeys doing?!?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh honey, they're just making fish sticks," replied his Mom.

The next morning, Little Johnny was in the kitchen, making breakfast.
When his Mom walked in he asked, "Mommy? Were you and daddy making fish
sticks last night?"

His Mom was stunned. "Why yes honey ... how did you know?" asked his
mother.

"You have tartar sauce on your lip!" replied Little Johnny.






`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````
Well we made it to Hump Day!
You know how those novelty shops (Spencer's, et. al.), as if required by some obscure law, all carry those cutesy key
chains with various sayings on them?
Well, I happen to know that in your deepest innermost desire, you really wanted a list of those ever so witty sayings.
So, without further ado...

I need more money, power,
and less **** from you people.

We'll get along fine
as soon as you realize I'm G-d.

Discourage inbreeding;
ban country music.

Life is short.
Don't be a dick.

To some it's a six-pack,
to me it's a support Group

I majored in liberal arts,
would you like fries with that.

I want my man to have a VCR:
Very Cute Rear

I haven't found Mr. Right
but I have found
Mr. Cheap,
Mr. Sleazy
and Mr. Wrong

Lost your cat?
Look under my tires.

I suffer from PMS...
Putting up with Men's ****

Men suffer from PMS too...
Pretending to be Macho Studs

If you shower in your clothes,
it shows you're crazy.
If you shower nude,
it shows you're nuts!!!

Behind every great man is
a great woman,
and behind every great woman
is some guy staring at her ass!

Birthdays only come once a year...
aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

(Written in really tiny writing)
Nosey little ****er, aren't you?








Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play
with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only
the
janitor was there.
One said,"We need to be baptized because no one will come out
and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet
bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion
do
you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on
you.
We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."








It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and a young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at
Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked he old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Oh did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation is
often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"






A Seriously flat-chested woman was elated when her fairy godmother told her
breasts would increase in size any time a man says "Pardon" to her.

She was walking down the sidewalk the next day when a man bumped into her.
"Pardon me" he said and her breasts immediately grew one inch. She was
ecstatic.

The next day she was in the grocery store and a man bumped her with his
cart. He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She
was in seventh heaven.

That night she walked into a Chinese restaurant and collided with an
unsighted waiter. He bowed low to her and said " A thousand pardons for my
clumsiness".

The next day, the headline in the newspaper says "Chinese Waiter Suffocates
Under Massive Mammaries!"










Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons....does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons....does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[bonyhadi]

Tributes http://tribute.creoletechnologies.co...sDirectory.htm
EVERY 9/11 TRIBUTE YOU CAN THINK OF
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Chow Mein (a bit sick, but funny) http://www.csh.rit.edu/%7Ewxs/images/humor/chowmein.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Click here: Knowing Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months.
He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. After about 2 months, he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost, and buys them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear
his new Bocceli shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance with him, and as they dance he asks her,
"Sophia, do you wear reda panties tonighta?"
Sophia startled says,
"Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoosa. How do you lika them?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes, says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonighta?"

"Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"
Rosa asks.
"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoosa. How do you lika them?"

Now the evening is almost over and Giorgio asks Carmella for the last dance.
Midway through the dance, Giorgio's face turns red. He gasps,

"Carmella, stilla my hearta please.
Tell me you weara no panties tonighta.
Please tella me this true."

"Yes, yes Giorgio," Carmella answers,
"I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio is greatly relieved,
"Thanka Goda," he says,
"I thoughta I had a cracka in my new
$300.00 Bocceli leather shoosa."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly
side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you
could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
================================================== ===========
The sales girl at the Pink *****cat boutique didn't bat an eye when the
customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly
offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to
charge you sales tax."
================================================== ===========
What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana?
A pothole!
================================================== ===========
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a
very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter
approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp
cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard
to the price.
The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so
much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks,
"What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi
River."
================================================== ===========
A woman from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s.
Upon trying to check into a nice hotel, the concierge told her,
"Sorry, there's no vacancy."
Just then, a man checked out. The woman then exclaimed,
"Good, now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "This hotel is
restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him. "Jews aren't allowed here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"
"Sure."
"What was his name?"
"Jesus."
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
09. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
08. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
07. Look at the size of his putter.
06. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
05. Mind if I join your threesome?
04. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
03. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
02. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
01. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"How To Ask A Man To Do Something"

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say, and no one will get hurt." - - - -

[bonyhadi]

A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and makes
himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to carry it up to
the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup, he slurs,
"Baby, do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No."

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 25 X-Rated Ways to Leave Your Lover

25> Slip in the back, Jack.

24> Spit out his jizz, Liz.

23> Demand fellatio, Horatio.

22> Poke it in her eye, Guy.

21> Tie a knot in your penis, Enos.

20> Put it in the wrong hole, Joel.

19> Throw his pecker down the drain-a, Lorena.

18> Laugh at his penis, Venus.

17> Throw up on her twat, Scott.

16> Go down on her mother, Strother.

15> Refuse to eat pie, Cy.

14> Avoid cunnilingus, Genghis.

13> Gag her with yer gack, Mack.

12> Dump her in a park and hope for luck, Congressman Condit,
you sick ****.

11> Suggest bukkake, Rocky.

10> Fart during a blowjob, Bob.

9> Show him your strap-on, Dawn.

8> Give him the crabs, Babs.

7> Get coprophil-ly, Billy.

6> Show her your anal plug, Doug.

5> Make underwear mud, Bud.

4> Bust a cap in her titty, P. Diddy.

3> Suggest a menage a trois, Pa.

2> Get caught buggering the lad, Father Brad.

and the Number 1 Other Way to Leave Your Lover...

1> Spooge on the dress, Prez.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~`

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother. "It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my ***** got real
sore."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the marriage is dead... why not bury it...

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The
doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.
When he walks thru the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home, and my word is law. When I come home from
work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. And
when I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The undertaker." she replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Fun Facts


AveLargest Vagina: the female blue whale with a normal length of 6 to 8 feet.


Largest Human Vagina: belonged to a woman who was 7'8" tall.


Smallest Vagina: 2 or 3 centimeters - surgery is required for correction.


Longest Clitoris: recorded at 4* inches long and 1* inches diameter.


Longest Labia Minora: some African tribes enlarge their labia to 7 inches in length.


Largest Buttocks: Hottentot tribe have buttocks that each can be two or three feet.


Largest Breasts: 44-pounds breasts measuring 33 inches in circumference.


Most Breasts: In 1886 a french woman was recorded with ten individual breasts.


Most Orgasms: 134 in one hour for a woman - 16 for a man.


Longest Recorded Orgasm: 43-seconds with 25 consecutive contractions.


Longest Recorded Pubic Hair: 28" (71.12 cm) long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bedtime Prayer For Men
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde, and long;
Who notices that she's mostly wrong;

One who sucks AND doesn't speak;
And promises to do so once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
Because one like that would come in handy.

Opens her leg and lies on the floor;
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants, and that's lots from behind!

One who'll make love till my body's twitchin'
And brings ME a beer when she comes from the kitchen.

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait, I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.

Amen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~`
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old
Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers
remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor,
Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the
Korean War, the Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If
you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers
hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain
the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and
children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers
have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their
grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by
politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military
serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them
now more than ever. Thank G-d for Old Geezers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~`
Favorite Bumper Snickers:
I'd Rather Be Sad in a Rolls-Royce Than Happy on a Bicycle.
Yesterday I knew nothing; today I know that.
If you can read this, I am parked.
I got this car for my wife..not a bad trade.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food
and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a
long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I
asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No,
jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Favorite Bumper Snickers
Don't kiss me stupid. **** me silly!

Thanks for honking......now piss off.

If you drink, drive -- drive with confidence!

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

My pet is an honor patient at Citrus Heights Veterinary Hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

"10 steps to a better life"

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry
about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When
they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that
you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be
tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter. (MY mother used to call this being "a loud
mouth" but that was a
long time ago!)

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death
and just wait in residence for your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt
country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - Life is not measured by the
number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE COWBOY

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter
approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay
waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy
down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'. "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is
sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The
fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him
and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why
Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ALIENS IN TEXAS

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the
aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn
near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels
through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't
mess with.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start walking down an aisle where several prize-winning bulls are stalled. A sign on the first
bull's stall reads: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. That's nearly
once a week. Isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull whose sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "That's over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

The last bull's stall had a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open as she says, "WOW!!!
That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could REALLY learn a whole lot from this one !!!"

The man, finally fed up, turns to his wife and says,"Go ask him if he DID the same cow every day."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a"brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor.

An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with
food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy
Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group
singing, "We Shall Overcome." Jesse then has the
group kneel down to pray to G-d for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and Federal
judges that Bill had appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare recipients oversee the case. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government
house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because the grasshopper
doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the
house (now abandoned) is taken over by a
gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

G-d Bless America!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~