Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."









Granny & The Biker!



A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike
fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed
store/livestock dealer
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he
now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases
home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he
went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little
old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down
this
alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I
know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"











touché...
An inebriated gentleman staggers into a liquor store at one AM and bellies up to the counter and says"Gimme some gin."
The clerk is not about to sell liquor to a drunk but thinks he will have fun with him. He says "Well we got three kinds of gin. We
have oxy-gin, nitro-gin,and hydro-gin."
The drunk fixes the clerk with a steely glare and stomps out of the store.
The clerk is still chuckling a few minutes later when in comes the drunk again.
The drunk staggers up to the counter and says "Gimme some turd."
"What are you talking about." queries the clerk.
The inebriate responds "There are three kinds of turd, mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you simple ****."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for wearing only one spur on his boots.
Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if
only to bring a good name to
the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors.
The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was,"So why do you wear only one spur?"
To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side
of a horse starts to run, so will the
other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.

There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~