Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into
the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines. Dad: now surfs with two remotes;
Mum: never complains
She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 600 quid to fix
the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."
Finally, size really doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."
Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O." Men no longer feel any responsibility toward
satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.
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The Top 15 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tips

15> This fall, dress up that plain old orange jumpsuit with a do-rag
dyed with some ink you boosted from the license plate shop.

14> A shiv makes an excellent olive pitter. And vice versa.

13> Looking for the perfect tassels to accent your "Home Sweet Home"
macramé? Try using your ex-lawyer's testicles.

12> Rat skins can be used to make adorable little bedroom slippers.

11> It's a good idea to have an adequate supply of your own blood stored
in dated Zip-Loc bags. You can keep them cool in your toilet tank.

10> Remember: On the right of the metal dinner tray, place the salad
shank and the shrimp shiv.

9> A sock filled with rocks and tunneling dirt can produce a festive and
functional blackjack that can knock the eyebrows
off a rhino.

8> Save your teeth after prison yard beatings to string as garland
during the holidays.

7> You can make a decorative and functional toilet cozy by using the
carefully peeled skin of the stoolie who ratted you out.

6> Floating worthless stock certificates in the toilet turns the water a
pretty shade of blue.

5> When cell space is severely limited, body cavities offer excellent
supplemental storage spaces for small but highly
valued heirlooms.

4> A simple wall calendar comes in handy for keeping track of which Big
Mama owns you this week.

3> A pinch of Windex can spruce up even the blandest jug of toilet wine.

2> A gentle soaking in a solution of vinegar and mineral water will take
the smell out of most contraband.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tip...

1> Nothing says "home" like a bologna welcome mat.
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The Tax Poem

TAax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays,
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke.
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax his booze, tax his beers.
If he cries tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes he has no dough.
If he hollers tax him more,
Tax him until he's good an' sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod on which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX.
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"Gun-Toten-Granny"THIS IS A GREAT STORY. I COULDN'T PASS UP SENDING IT.

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old
granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down -- and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week
hunting those men down, and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne
police investigator Evan Delp.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:
'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both
his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former
prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way
he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive
after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was car-jacked and raped in broad
daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's
face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the law
would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a
gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning
one."

Using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven
days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering
their flophouse hotel. "I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to
Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the
minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em
most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down
to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, and
she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison," Det. Delp said, "especially when 3 million
people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal."
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I am woman, hear me roar
[ ...if you don't open my door.]

I can do anything that a man can do
[ ...but I don't want to!}

Oh The female sex has a lot more class
[ ...except when we're looking at a male stripper's ass!]

I am a 21st century woman
[ ...but I can't set my VCR.]

Well I'm not your hooker
[ ...but you're still going to have to pay me.]

cause sex is a very special thing
[ ...and a darn good weapon.]

because my body belongs to me
[ ...until I get dinner and a movie.]

And I don't sleep around
[ ...until I do a credit check.]

I have a mind of my own
[ ...which I change every 2 seconds.]

'And I'm not too proud to ask for directions
[ ...cause I can't read a map.]

And I stand behind my man
[ ...so I can nag him as much as I can!]

and I can fight in combat
[ ...but I can't kill a spider.]

Now I never tell a lie
[ ...but I will fake an orgasm.]

I am the real McCoy
[ ...except for my boobs and my face.}

I still get all hot and sweaty for
[ ...the opening of a new shoe store.]

And I am very proud of my age
[ ...which is none of your %@&% business!]