Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

RULES OF SEX

1. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
2. Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them !
3. Abstain from wine, women and song...mostly song.
4. Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested.
5. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
7. Don't say No, say Maybe, or say any old thing...say maybe next year,...but don't say No.
8. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
9. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
10. Anal sex can have positive results.
11. Go Up and you'll find heaven; Go Down and you'll find salvation.
12. Take two or three at bedtime.
13. Confusing sexuality, bestiality, morality, and reality, ... can really mess you up.
14. Original Sin is no longer available, but the digitally enhanced version is readily available.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOTICE TO MALE TAX PAYERS

January 1, 2002
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off,
30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches --Luxury Tax --$50.00
*10-8 inches --Pole Tax --$30.00
* 8-6 inches --Privilege Tax --$15.00
* 6-4 inches --Nuisance Tax --$5.00

Please Note:
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NEED A HINGE

A blonde goes into a hardware store and tells the clerk, "I'm looking for a hinge." The Clerk proceeds to show her an assorted array of
hinges. After examination of the hinges, she picks the one she prefers.

"Would you like a screw for that hinge?" asks the clerk.

"No," she replies, "But, I'll blow you for that toaster."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife is an amorous soul
On fire for an African's pole.
She told a coon chauffeur
That he was her gopher---
And, say, did he go for her hole!
==========================
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So
she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?

He: Oh, sometimes...

She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

He: No, most certainly not!

She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

He: Of course I haven't.

She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

He: Yes.

She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll
unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll
have to go back to matches.

The young man collapses.
======================
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is
all backwards. It should go in order like this:

1. You should die first and get it all over with.
2. Then you live in an old age home.
3. You get kicked out when you're too young.
4. You get a gold watch.
5. You go to work.
6. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
7. You do drugs, alcohol and party.
8. You get ready for high school.
9. You go to grade school and become a kid.
10. You play. You have no responsibilities.
11. You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
12. You spend your last nine months floating...
13. Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.
============================
.....Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . .. . . WAS HIS.....
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .Making the last car payment......
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week......
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it......
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault.I said I was going to blame it on you.".....
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon......
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money......
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum......
Is your holier side your altar ego?.....
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red?Is it three or five?.....
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
==========================
A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody who has a dog
calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex
Now Sex has been embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license,
I told One day I entered Sex in a contest,
but before the competition began the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,
looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand" I said,
"I had planned to have Sex on T.V."
He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated
we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!"
The Judge said, "Me too".
Then I told him that after I was married
that Sex had left me. He said "Me too".
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning.
I said looking for Sex. My case comes up Monday........
===========================
HANDY USES FOR A CONDOM

*Hair tie

*Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs

*Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)

*Neat travel case for your toothbrush

*Wet suit for a ferret

*Finger puppets

*Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders

*Rubber boot for a peg leg

*Latex toe warmers

*Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors

*Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation.

*Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood

*To keep candles dry when camping

*Build your own incredible "Water Weenies" ...(my fav of them all)

*To quickly fill water pistols

*Bicycle tire tube

*Change purse

*Goodyear Blimp model

*For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

*Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup
============================

[bonyhadi]

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's *****. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian
restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my
spaghetti! Get it the **** out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head,
she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I
found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
==================
Product Warnings

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a
bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging
device.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public
sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a
pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric
rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that
keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy
helmet used as a container for popcorn.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace
lighter.

"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom
heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set
called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card
for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.


"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a
motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the
forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the
water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause
injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects),
which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh
grapes in Australia.

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On
the label of a bottled drink.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of
rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing
windshield fluid.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable
stroller.

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose
powder, used to make gels.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough
medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized
Superman costume.

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside
access door.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will
be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol
PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap
rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." --
A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the
presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and
destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a
Swedish chainsaw.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." --
>From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the
styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides
of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume
were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of
sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel
of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an
electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain
saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch
inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield
(for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless
phone.
`````````````````````````````````
The Procrastinator's Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
===================

[bonyhadi]

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to
defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said,
"but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury.
I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and
really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney,
but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness,
a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said,
"and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given
up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good goat will do that...."
==================================

Smealth: The ability to secretly leave behind body odor

in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
=====================
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat
falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying.
His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells
his mother "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis.
Kiss it make it better."

"Johnny your getting more and more like your father everyday." His
mother says.
======================
There's a German, a Frenchman, and a Polack on a train, and their
conversation turns to sex... They begin to ponder the shape of the
male sex organ, and in particular, what the head is for...

Says the German, "The head is there to please the man!" Says the
Frenchman, "No, the head is there to pleasure the woman!" Says the
Pole, "You guys are both wrong, it's there to keep your hand from
slipping off!!"
==============================
Harry still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be seventy.
his wife was asked if she minded. She answerd. "Why should I be upset?
Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive!
==========================
It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk
when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the
porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the
steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs
back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver,
can’t stand it. Burnett asks, Harold, it’s none of my business, but
why’d you kiss her down there?

Harold says, You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.
===========================
WHAT MARTHA COULD DO WHILE IN PRISON

1. Decoupage license plates
2. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell
3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit
4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine
5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing
cards
6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of
barbed wire and chicken bones
7. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart
collection
8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup
detail
9. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to
conceal weapons
10. Be tortured in solitary confinement with her own television show
played 24 hours a day.
===========================
One woman was complaining to her friend,
"My sex life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to
make me cum.
What's worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."
"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was
exactly like his Computer."
"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.
"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions."
==========================
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
======================
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits go in front.
******************
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building,which one would hit the
ground first??
The brunette..the blonde has to stop to ask for directions!!
==============================
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that."
"All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if
she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you hit her with the shovel!"
========================
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my G-d, what have I just said?"
=======================
Doug's wife suggested a book for him to read to enhance theirrelationship. It's entitled, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS; MEN ARE WRONG.
============================
An alternate way to record the passing of years into old age is to recall that first, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up,
followed by that final, fatal time when you forget to pull your zipper...down!
==========================
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After along list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed
the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.
He has told me himself."
The rich ***** just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband but the mail man!"
===============================
RUBBERY THING

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

OUT SO LATE

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "you know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take off my shoes before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"


His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes
into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'you as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
=====================

[bonyhadi]

Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
A: Wake her up first!
~~~~~
When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lot of class
=====================
NEW CONDOM SLOGANS

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a longer, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condo

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go in heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing Venus, dress your penis

14. When you take off her panda and blouse, zip your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
FIX THE OUTHOUSE

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
DOS: Defective Operating System.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.
MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs
=========================
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl.
I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull
hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
========================
"Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than three times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Dear Abby:
The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is IF I seek 'professional' help."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts ****ing her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's ****ing magic."
==============
In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy-five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.
=====================
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been
lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way
he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and
sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with
peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house.

So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A
gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she
said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice
peaches for sale."
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.

So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are
those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good
peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She
teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes,
they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer
whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils
ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my
peaches."
=========================
What is the sum of 2 + 2? ~~~

An accountant will say "What do you want the answer to be?"

A mathematician will say "I believe it is 4, but I will have to prove it."

A statistician will say "The population is too small to give an
accurate answer, but on the basis of the data supplied the answer
lies between 3 and 5."

An economist will say "Based on today's thinking, the answer is 4
but the answer may be different tomorrow".

An engineer will say "The answer is 4, but adding a safety factor we
will call it 5".
========================

[bonyhadi]

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an
inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
===========================
A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm
to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then
begins to select a pig.
"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."
The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it
hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."
"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's
weight by using that method?"
"Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for
generations."
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs
exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer.
And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in
his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds."
The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
"Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the
mailman."
==========================

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love
to his youngest daughter. Yelling, "You son of a *****,"
he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge
shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a
doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the
man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be
done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich
man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.
However, there's a man across the street who might be able
to help you."

"Oh really? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you

how to hold it without pissing in your face!"
=====================

There once was a man from Chanute,
Who had many warts on his root.
He put acid to these,
and now when he pees

He fingers his root like a flute.
====================================
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to
get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes
in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist,
or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?... So he can make a new hole....!
===========================
What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over the wall of the Alamo
and saw all of those Mexicans coming at him?
I didn't know we were pouring concrete today!
==========================
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class
"children, if know the answer, please raise your hand!
Tell me things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, mam!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?".
"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's
answer. Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can
suck lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny
answered, "I heard my mom say, 'turn off the lamp, honey and let me
suck it.'"
=============================
They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be transmitted
through oral sex. What I want to know is, what weirdo was hired to blow
the monkeys ?
======================
There were three gay men sitting at a bar one night and they were
grieving over their boyfriends' deaths.

The first guy said to the others, "Well, when my boyfriend died I
scattered his ashes over the ocean because we both loved sailing and I
just wanted one last sail with him."

And the other two said, "That's lovely."

The second guy then said, "My boyfriend and I loved adventure sports so

I went skydiving and scattered his ashes into the air so he could have
one last jump with me."

The other two then said, "That's beautiful."

Then the third guy, still thinking about what the other two had said,
said "Well, I haven't scattered my boyfriend's ashes yet."

Then the third guy orders the hottest curry the bar has and two strong
beers. When he gets his curry, he sprinkles his boyfriend's ashes over

it and eats it all very fast, then drinks the beers.

The other two look mortified.

The first guy asks "You're eating him?!"

Aloud, the second guy wonders "Why aren't you scattering his ashes?"

So the third guy replied, "Well guys, I just wanted to feel him dribble
out my ass one last time."
==============
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was
accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked "I suppose, like all men
who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his
first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."

[bonyhadi]

=========================
What are lawyers good for?
They make car salesmen look good.

Where is an elephants's sex organ?
In his feet. If he steps on you, you're f------d.
===============
An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married,
but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day
and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin.
After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one
night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey.

The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they're riding
in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his cock.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the world is that?"

"You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire.

"Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything like that in my
whole life!"

The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman.

"I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to marry you! I'm going to make you
the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!"

A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel
room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out
his penis and says to her, "Are you sure you've never seen anything
like this?"

"Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Well," explains the man, "this is my cock."

"No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief.

"It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire.

"No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and black!"
==================

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,
and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,

"He Snores while I Masturbate."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






































































































=========================
What are lawyers good for?
They make car salesmen look good.

Where is an elephants's sex organ?
In his feet. If he steps on you, you're f------d.
===============
An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married,
but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day
and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin.
After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one
night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey.

The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they're riding
in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his cock.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the world is that?"

"You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire.

"Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything like that in my
whole life!"

The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman.

"I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to marry you! I'm going to make you
the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!"

A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel
room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out
his penis and says to her, "Are you sure you've never seen anything
like this?"

"Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Well," explains the man, "this is my cock."

"No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief.

"It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire.

"No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and black!"
==================

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,
and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,

"He Snores while I Masturbate."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

The Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as: I had to have two
hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets. Ferklempt.

The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels. My PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right comer.

I hear Hava Nagila during Startup.

Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that.

When running ScanDisk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

I When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!".

I I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen.

I Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.

Y2K problems have been eliminated, but the impending problem promises to cause major Tsuris.

I didn't get a mouse... I got a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.

It didn't come with a screen saver, it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks in whenever I access a feminist Web site.

When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"

I don't have an Option button; instead, it says "On The Other Hand..."

I don't get E-mail I get Eh-mail. I get all these letters which when
I read them, I go "Eh, who cares? "

When I press Delete or Trash I get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?"

When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows.

It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent
files slowly and prints out during services.

For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an
assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday.

And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I
REALLY Gotta GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.

Clearly something's going on here. I thought I bought a Mac. I think they gave me a Max.
Oy vey!
=============================================
"Medical Suggestion"

At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor
summoned his patient into his office with a very
grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to
break it to you Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you've
only got about 6 months to live."

"Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When
the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen Doc, you've
known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions
as to how I could make the most of my remaining
months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor. Fred
explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor
proposed. "After all you'll need someone to look
after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with
only 6 months to live! I better make the most of
my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the
doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a
Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred."

"It'll seem longer."
==================

[bonyhadi]

~FAQ For Beginners~

Q: What's a FAQ?
A: It means "Frequently Asked Questions."

Q: Oh, so it's not a dirty word then?
A: No, it just sounds a bit like one.

Q: So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.

Q: Who runs it?
A: A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q: How can I get on the Internet?
A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, or
BT Internet. They will give you their program disks for free.
Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some
night and install their programs on your computer when you're
sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them.

Q: What are the benefits of these services?
A:The major benefit is that they all have simple,
"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no
previous computer experience -- to provide the online services
with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges
on your credit card bill forever.

Q: What if I die?
A: They don't care.

Q: Can't I cancel my account?
A: Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q: How?
A: Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been
trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no
matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.
We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q: What if I have children?
A: You'll want an anesthetic, because childbirth really hurts.

Q: No, I mean ... what if my children also use my Internet
account?

A: You should just sign your house and major internal organs
over to the online service right now.

Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once
I'm connected to an online service?

A: Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q: Like what?
A: You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q: Chat?
A: Chat.

Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people
all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers,
most of whom are boring and stupid!

Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
A: Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in.
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course,
Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment,
an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use
clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real
identities.

Q: What are their real identities?
A: They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking
to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q: Really?
A: No. I lied. By the way, get used to that. You're almost
always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13 year-old boys.
But they *pretend* to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic
of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but
equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a
wild change of pace, every now and then the discussion is
interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13 year-old boy wishing to talk
dirty to women -- or to other 13 year-old boys. To give you an
idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation
of a typical chat area dialogue:

(Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)

[bonyhadi]

LilBrisket: Hi everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?????????????
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet



(LONG PAUSE)



Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks



(LONG PAUSE)



UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
1ToAnnoy: Brisket u suck


(LONG PAUSE)



Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks


(LONG PAUSE)



Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
1ToAnnoy: Bye Lung


(LONG PAUSE)



PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
1ToAnnoy: polyps suck
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...



And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where
the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn
some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as
whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q: I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have
"cybersex." What exactly is that?
A: This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each
other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter
and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder
until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD!!!! They suddenly find that they have
a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q: That's disgusting!
A: Yes.

Q: Could you give an example?
A: Certainly.



Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS



(LONG PAUSE)



HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your bra
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! I'm touching ur tits
1ToAnnoy: Tits suck
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: I'm not wearing any
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY
GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you, Waz!!!!!
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL
STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
1ToAnnoy: Wazoo, you suck
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: LMAO
HunniBunni: You promised!
1ToAnnoy: Persimmons suck
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE
KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR
POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I
USED TO BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you used to break a tie vote in
the Senate???????
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!!
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL
THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops
1ToAnnoy: You guys suck

[bonyhadi]

Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A: You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people,
by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.

Q: Like what?
A: Barry Manilow.

Q: There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A: There's a forum for everything.

Q: What happens on these forums?
A: Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post
messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans
respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which
in turn, leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling
that can go on for months.

Q: Just like junior high school!
A: But even more pointless.

Q: Are there forums about sex?
A: Zillions of 'em.

Q: What do people talk about on those?
A: Barry Manilow.

Q: No, really.
A: OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often,
you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers
of human understanding.

Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A: Indeed it is.
==============
Confucius Says....

... woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit.
... man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
... man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
... man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face.
... passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
... man with hole in pocket, feel cocky.
... man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
... virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
... girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town.
... he who fart in church, sit in own pew.
... baseball no sport, man with four balls cannot walk.
... man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
... Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
... man with penis in peanut butter jar, f_cking nuts.
... man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok.
... man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have ****ty time.
... man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
... man who go to bed with stiff problem, wake with solution in hand.
... man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
... man who buy drowned cat, get wet *****.
... it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
... man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
... man who finger girl having period, caught red handed.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger.
... learn to masturbate, come in handy.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
... the end of day is near when small men make long shadows.
... better to be pissed off than pissed on.
... woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not sanitary.
... couple on seven day honeymoon, make whole week.
... girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
... girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
... waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip.
... butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his work.
... man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, feeling nuts.
... man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.
... man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
... man with big mouth, beware of foot.
... man who fly upside down have crack up.
... man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.
... shallow woman like man with short temper.
... man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.
... house without bathroom, uncanny.
... foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
... man who eat many prunes, sit on can for many moons.
... man who sleep with *****y wife, wake with itchy trigger-finger.
... man who sit on stool, smell like ****.
... man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
... man who throw dirt, losing ground.
... man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
... cow with no legs, ground beef.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.
... bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
... finding old man in dark, not hard.
... man who smoke pot, choke on handle.
... OK for **** to happen, will decompose.
... man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache.
... sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.
... secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk.
... do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
... he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double crosser.
... too many light bulb jokes, soon burn out.
... takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
... never raise hands to angry child, leave groin exposed.
... man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
... man who keep feet firmly planted on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
... man who sit on tack, get point.
... man who run behind car, get exhausted.
... man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
... man who let woman on top, f_cking up.
... woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.
... sex on beach like American beer, f_cking near water.
... man like baby, want to suck tit all day.
... man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
... woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
... support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
... man who eat too many jellybean, fart in technicolor.
... man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
... man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment, not get new key.
... he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
... wash face in morning, neck at night.
... elevator smell different to midget.
... America good place for Chinese restaurant.
... no man is island, but some women are whales.
... he who have last laugh, not get joke.
... man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
... he who outrun cheetah, f_cking fast on his 0feet.
... man trapped in sewer, eat **** and die.
... man who f_ck ugly dog, get howled at.
... all men eat, but Fumanchu.
... he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.
... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery, f_cking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat *****, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist.
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.
... rape should not happen, woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.
... woman wearing G-string, high on crack.
... virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

[bonyhadi]

The Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to
poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it
loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

=========================================



THE ESSENCE OF ****

**** is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. **** may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be **** faced, be **** out of luck, or have **** for brains. With a little effort you can get your **** together, find a place for your **** or decide to
**** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and tell others to eat **** and die.

You can **** or go blind, have a **** fit or just **** your life away. People can be **** headed, **** brained, **** blinded, and **** over. Some people know their ****
while others can't tell the difference between **** and Shinola.

There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, crazy ****s, and sweet ****s. There is bull ****, dog ****, cat ****, bird ****, whale ****, rat ****, and horse ****. There is tough ****,
hard ****, soft ****, slimy ****, rough ****, limp ****. You can **** a blue streak, **** bricks, **** pink Twinkies, **** marbles, or **** your guts out.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can take a ****, give a ****, keep **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep ****, or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days are just plane ****ty. There is funny **** and sad ****, bad **** and good ****. Some
**** doesn't stink while other things really smell like ****.

Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****. You can be faster than **** or you can be slower than ****.
Sometimes you'll find **** on a stick or **** on a shingle, sometimes you'll find **** everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find **** at all.

You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****. You can carry **** in a bucket, put **** in a barrel, have a pile of ****,
have a mountain of ****, have a river of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. You can slice ****, spread ****, dunk **** or jump ****, and some people
just can't cut the ****.

There is fun **** and dull ****, silly **** and serious ****. Sometimes you really need this **** and sometimes you don't want any **** at all. You can stir ****, kick ****
or stick your ass out the window and **** on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you swim in a lake of **** and come out
smelling like a rose.
****! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG
DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else.
===============================================
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he
takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come
home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the
package open on the table, and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing
the results and panicking, the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into
the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife
comes home, and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel.
He runs and looks into the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the
bird breathing heavily, stained with sweat, and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours, and
yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel
pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen
chicken?"
=========================
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for
better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me
to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated,
and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes, and said, "Separate checks, please..."
=================================
An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian women at a local bar. So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked 20 gay
men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex. The gay men at the bar responded, "It tastes great!"
And the gay women responded, "It's less filling."

[bonyhadi]

=========================
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it, George! I've had it this time," his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied. "You don't even know where I'm getting it."
===================
The letter below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must had
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of
the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, (like you) choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:......
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. (Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry... The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the
banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me.

Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

xxxxx xxxxxxx
========================================
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
========================
Tailgating Bumper Sniackers

Back Off, I'm a postal worker.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
Now that you are on my ass, you wanna get married?
Unless you are a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!
If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
I'm not tailgating I'm drafting!
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinate
If you can read this, your too close. (Written in Braille)
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
Do Not Tailgate, Or I Will Flick a Booger on your windshield!
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
If you come any closer, I'll eat you.
Back Off Or The Next Body In My Trunk Will Be Yours!
Get a little close. My brakes work real good and I need a new car.
Hope you're hungry cause you're about to eat my rear bumper.
I Don't Do 69 So Stop Trying To Eat My Ass!!!
If You Can Read This You're Close Enough To Get F----d.
The Driver Of This Car Is Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Pretend I'm A Nun And Back Your Ass Off.
I Drive Like A Nun Because I Am A Nun You Dumb Bastard.
I only have two speeds: Park and Bat-Outa-Hell.Wanna see how fast I can park?
I HATE TAILGATERS!!!But my 357 Magnum just loves them.
I use my finger to dial 911 only after I've pulled the trigger.
The last bastard that tailgated me bought me this car, and I'm ready for a different one.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
====================================
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and
lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
========================================
One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look, Daddy, the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out
of the Tan soldiers.''
Shocked, the wife tells the boy to go to his room and think about what he just said.
A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers, and you can blow the hell out of me?"
=================================
To the woman who stole my husband:
Thank you very much!
The joke is on you.
============================

[bonyhadi]

This is too funny!
Attachment 433k (video/x-ms-asf) Inlaws - Norwegian Airline.ASF
================================================== ===
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He
went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
================================
SERIOUS SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing ' buttonholes.
===============================
ACADEMIC BULL**** PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bull****.
============================
Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes However, and this is the good part having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes So smokers ... Screw for your lives!
=============================
THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE THE PERFECT PARENT
------------------------------------------------
10. You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor:
Africa."

9. "Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."

8. You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.

7. Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bulletproof.

6. Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.

5. You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.

4. All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.

3. "Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."

2. Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.

1. You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
===================================
This vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=

10. Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9. Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8. A few planets short of a federation
7. Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6. Duh! on parade
5. Still cutting with rounded scissors
4. At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3. Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2. T minus dumb and counting and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1. "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
==================================
Southern California Freeway Schedule




Monday...............SMALL ARMS ONLY: .38 CAL. & under
Tuesday..............LADIES SHOTGUN DAY
Wednesday.........MEN'S LARGE CALIBER-SCOPED RIFLES ONLY
Thursday.............AUTOMATIC WEAPON DAY
Friday................CANNON & BAZOOKA DAY: HAND GRENADES OK
(MORNING ONLY)
Saturday.............MEN & WOMEN'S OPEN: COMPETITION FOR PRIZES (MOST CARS, HIGHEST TOTAL VALUE)
Sunday...............GUN CLEANING: OFF DAY-SLINGSHOTS, SQUIRT GUNS, GESTURES OF PROFANITY, NO
THROWN OBJECTS.

IF YOU'RE PLANNING A TRIP TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, PLEASE ARM YOURSELF ACCORDING TO THE ABOVE
SCHEDULE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL SUSPEND YOU FROM FREEWAY USE. VIOLATIONS WILL RESULT IN
REVOCATION OF USE OF FREEWAYS AND PERMANENT PLACEMENT ON A LOS ANGELES RAPID TRANSIT
DISTRICT BUS.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY AUTHORITY

1-800-SUR-SHOT


L.A./LONG BEACH..................1-213-TAR-GETS
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY.......1-818-BUL-LETS
ORANGE COUNTY..................1-714-HAN-GUNS
SAN DIEGO..............................1-619-WEA-PONS
========================================
Age and Womanhood"

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
===============================
How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Ummm, is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
========================================

[bonyhadi]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second
dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required
depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
==================================
What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
The Dead Sea.
~~~~~~~
Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
~~~~~~~
How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
=================================
Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
====================================
Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her.
The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "There was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, two big asses going round and round,
meat fly in and meat fly out, if that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"
==============
The Top 12 Non-Lethal Weapons Rejected by the Military...

-->Servo-Activated Tactical Banana Cream Pie

-->Platoons of mice duct-taped with tiny speakers blaring
Roseanne's rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

-->Extra-itchy tags to plant in enemy underpants

-->A battalion of guys who go on and on about the dream they
had last night

-->.357 Poo Pistol

-->Nasal Attainment/Detention Device -- For deployment in
large scale "got your nose" assaults

-->Camel cigarettes (filterless)

-->Loud recitation of a list of funny hurricane names,
translated into the appropriate language

-->Nerf bayonets

-->Very, very slow bullets

-->The Greenpeace Petition Launcher

-->Bright white flags, waved briskly to blind the opposing
force
========================================
Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
===================================
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the
new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each
other's body.
The bride discovers her husband's penis. "What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "Undo those knots. I need more rope!"
=====================
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on
the creatures rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are
really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
===============================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are the
hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand,
I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one
hand, I ain't the least bit interested...."
===============================
A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He is horny, so he
goes to the local whorehouse and tells the lady at the desk, "Give me
your best whore!" She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and
says, "That'll be five hundred dollars, please." The man says, "Oh, I
don't have that much." The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up
Monica! That'll be two hundred dollars, please." The guy says, "I don't
have that much." So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up
Shaniqua! That'll be fifty dollars, please." The guy says, "Oh, I don't
have that much." So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?" He
says "Fifty cents."
So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"
==================================
I DID NOT HEAR YOU~~~

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like
you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"
================================
~~~NOT ALLOWED~~~

Doctor, kiss me.
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once".
Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f--king you"
=====================
HEARING PROBLEM

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is getting deaf because she never hears me
the first time and always I have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 25 feet from her and say something to her in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't reply move
about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

So the husband goes home and does exactly as the doctor instructed. He starts off about 25 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some
vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an 6 inches away from her ear, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
=====================
DATING HINTS FOR GENTLEMEN

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I like clay. It's mushy.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used
to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.

[bonyhadi]

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young
ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her
birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her
prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people
waiting in my car!"
===========================
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender
gets worried."What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she
isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except that THIS is the last day!" he muttered.
========================
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering,
or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
hobosexuality.

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked,
"Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"
======================
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings.
The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you
a divorce from Minnie!"Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why
not??!!"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to
the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the
grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I
said she was f---ing Goofy!"
=========================
A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a
baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to
respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything
seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor
yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled,
"Down Nuts!"
And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they
all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and
a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there
was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what
happened. The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until
some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
=======================
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people
still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe.
Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need
to ask the salesperson to get them.
So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only
ask where the straws were.
So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his
condoms.
Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only
ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.
Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to
the salesperson and said, in a low tone,
"I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the
sale and said,
"First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers,
and now to buy condoms."
"What I want to know is..... are you going to
suck it, pluck it, or f--k it?"
=========================
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths
occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
======================================
She was only the...

Admiral's Daughter, But Her Naval Base Was Always Full Of Discharged
Seamen!

Astronaut's Daughter, But She Knew How To Take Off.

Athlete's Daughter, But She Was Always Ready To Play Ball.

Australian's daughter, but she often got explored Down Under.

Aviarist's Daughter But She Liked A Cockatoo.

[bonyhadi]

===============================
A man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a
cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they
walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended,
really!)He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and both
feet, grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand, obviously excited

at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
excitement, thinks this is funny.

He suggests his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does so, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin. She does so and, again, the gorilla is about
to tear the bars down.Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and
sort of fan it at him, he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely
crazy. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door
to the cage,slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door
shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
=====================
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Match in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit
margin is $60? And how many documents were shredded to achieve
this number?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El Logero se habla con el truckero y se
ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y
=========================================
Top 10 signs you're grandparents are still sexually active....
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen gandma's photo in the "Beaver Hunt" sectionof Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active.....
1. Their Kraft-matic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style."
=======================================
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him. .
"Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Jerry, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, "Excuse me, Jerry,would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Jerry... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blow job you ever had...!"
Jerry smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But...... what's in it for me?"
===============================
Only a mediocre person is ever at their best.

The first half of life is ruined by our parents, the second half by children.

Our program, who art in memory, EXE be thy name...Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex

Public opinion flourishes where there are no ideas.

Question authority, but not mine.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

The best government teaches us to govern ourselves.The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

The old make the rules, the young make up the exceptions.The only road to success is always under construction.

Tourists: The only foreigners the French ever drove out.

Trust G-d, but always tie and watch your camel all night.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!
=================================
HUSBAND VS.WIFE

He wears the pants in the house, under his apron.
He has two chances of winning an argument with her: slim and none.
She leads a double life: hers and his.
He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
He always has the last word. He says, "I apologize."
He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
He put a ring on her finger, and she put one through his nose.
He was a dude before marriage; now he is subdued.
He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.
She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000 because it was the thumb she had him under.
She even complains about the noise he makes..when he is fixing his own breakfast.
He goes to a woman dentist. It's a relief to be told by a female to open
his mouth instead of to shut it.
Every once in a while she comes to him on her bended knees; and she dares him to come out from under the bed.
=======================
When someone says, "It ain't the money; it's the principle of the thing," you'd better know it's the money.
=========================
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country
club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The
man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad.
Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn.
Her ball goes 30 yards.
Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro:

"Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
================
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me
subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same
reason."
Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, " Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never
get to visit."
===================

[bonyhadi]

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
===============================
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
=========================
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

There was a young fellow named Gary,
Who was elated when he got a cherry,
The cherry said she,
He got from a tree,
She wondered what made him so merry!

There was a young girl from the valley,
Who went by the name of Sweet Sally,
She was very nice,
And she got her price,
But she did it all from the alley!
=======================
Ever wonder where the word **** comes from? Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years
ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to
"Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
=============================
The Height Of All Emotions

Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under
a banana tree.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake
to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger
pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with a zipper.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass
itching.
==========================
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one
night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super *****!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
=======================
MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our
anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt".
==================

[bonyhadi]

Beetle Bailey Flag
http://www.beetlebailey.com/images/flag.swf
=============================================
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of
that green **** you have over there."
The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."
The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older
son's gay."
The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green ****.
The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four
shots of that green **** from last night."
The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?" The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."
The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green ****.
Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green ****."
The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."
The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."
The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat *****?"
The man said, "Yeah, my wife."
=======================
Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9.
Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry
The Race starts! They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being
pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very
dangerous spot. At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open
and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean
Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Merry Cherry
is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. At The Stretch Merry Cherry
cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Big Dick is
in and Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish Its Big Dick giving
everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to
offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final
squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs
pulls up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance ....
==============================

[bonyhadi]

Ever wonder where the word **** comes from? Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years
ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to
"Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
=============================
The Height Of All Emotions

Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under
a banana tree.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake
to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger
pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with a zipper.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass
itching.
==========================
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one
night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super *****!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
=======================
MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our
anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt".
==================
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
======================
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some
mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
======================
She was only the...

Barman's Daughter, But She Knew How To Pull Them.

Blacksmith's Daughter, But She Knew How To Forge Ahead.

Bookbinder's Daughter, But She Knew Her Way Between The Sheets.

Bootleggers Daughter, But I Loved Her Still.

Bricklayer's Daughter, But She Was Certainly Stacked.

Butcher's Daughter, But There Wasn't Much More She Could Loin.

She was only the...

Dentist's daughter, but everybody wanted to fill her cavity.

Dentist's Daughter, But She Had The Nicest Set Of Teeth I Ever Came
Across!

Detective's Daughter, But She Was Fond Of Dicks.

Doctor's Daughter, But She Really Knew How To Operate.

Draughtman's Daughter, But She Never Knew Where To Draw The Line.
======================
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that
read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a
night" and "Over 4 times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".
=====================
* Interorgasm *
http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.cfm

[bonyhadi]

Most Recent Darwins
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and
his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon
arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around
his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch,
and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man
had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the seminal fluid shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a
commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma".

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a
future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his foursome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again
that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot
higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
===================================



=


I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex. Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!
It seemed soooo real : )