Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution


IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
===================
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple'sconversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey,
what do you think about the Middle East position?"
His wife replied, "I don't know, Dear. Have we already tried it?"
======================
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her
name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, My Good Woman, what is your problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to
save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time." He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs
apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks, "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
==========================
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the DisneyStudios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a
jobas a tour guide. And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer, "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh, "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make an exceptionally good tour guide."
Interviewer, "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I won't just hire you, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh, "Sounds great!"
Interviewer, "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh, "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer, "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."
Josh, "Pluto and Goofy."
Interviewer, "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh, "Sure did."
Interviewer, "Okay, name them."
==============================================
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather
screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."
"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
========================
Sexual EmoticonsYou have seen emoticon tits, and asses. Now it is time for you to take a gander at the Penises...
8> A Cold dick

8===> A Hot dick

C==(( ) Cave man dick (side view)

( .|=|. ) Tit screwing

} top view of a senior citizen's hard-on

:-) -: Smilie with an erection

:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).

:-( -8 Blue balls.

;-) o===8 Braggart.

:-\ 8o After a cold shower.

;-) ===8 Circumcised.

8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.

:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.

:-) :-... Taking a leak.

:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.

:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

B=D Short penis

B~~D Limp penis

B==Q Prince Albert penis

-> teeny pee pee

==========================
Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get
him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.
****************************
His Side of the Story:

The Yankees lost. Got laid though.
======================================
Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots
and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all your favorite
fragrances
================================================== ===========

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35gallons Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats)
produce a buttery or fishy taste.Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to
be the foulest.
Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi,
lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
==================================
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears...

"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
You know what?"

"What my dear?" she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her
heart filled with warmth.

"You're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
================

[bonyhadi]

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no
heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative,
has no brains.

- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
==========================================
Lawyer One Liners


Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Longer One...

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
===========================

Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s



Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
===================================
Diploma (Give someone a diploma from Schmuck Universary)
http://www.schmucku.com/diploma.html
============================

AS YOU KNOW, THERE IS A CERTAIN GROUP, CASTE, OR RELIGION IN
INDIA WHERE THE WOMEN HAVE A RED SPOT ON THEIR FOREHEAD.
YOU HAVE PROBABLY WONDERED WHAT THIS IS FOR.


THE ANSWER IS VERY SIMPLE.

WHEN THEY GET MARRIED THEIR
HUSBAND GETS TO SCRATCH IT OFF TO SEE IF HE WON A

CONVENIENCE STORE, GAS STATION OR A MOTEL IN AMERICA!
===============================================
There were two gay guys living together.
One was more feminine and the other more masculine.
The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real
problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why

he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy,
and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth
was to smooth Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the
skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately
home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and
jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked,
"What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.

Finally, his partner said,
"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail
coming out of your ass by now?"
==========================
Beer ~vs~ *****
A beer is always wet.
A ***** needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A ***** tastes better served hot.
Advantage: *****.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold ***** makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
***** does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming *****, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: *****
24 beers come in a box.
A ***** is a box you can come in.
Advantage: *****.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: *****.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like *****, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: *****
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much ***** and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a ***** in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: *****
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells ***** on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: *****
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
***** can make you see G-d.
Beer can make you see the porcelain G-d.
Advantage: *****
If you think all day about the next ***** you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: *****
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of ***** is more fun.
Advantage: *****.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a ***** at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a *****, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: *****.
The worst ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad *****: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good *****: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: *****.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: *****.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: *****.

[bonyhadi]

====================
Advice From Women To Men
1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking miniskirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt. 15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not
talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
====================

[bonyhadi]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.
When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground
and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
===================
"Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding"
======================
A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my
coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."
======================
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A cock that melts in your mouth!
====================
The drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution.
He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a
home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.
The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began making love to
her. Her husband, in an adjoining room, heard the ruckus.
He ran to the kitchen, grabbed the drunk and proceeded to beat him to a
pulp before throwing him out the door.
The drunk looked up at him from the driveway and said,
"Boy, you sure got a lot to learn about running a whorehouse!"
=========================
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," she said.
"I also do a gram of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of
whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and always do pills on
the weekend."
That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?'
"twenty-four."
==================
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
=======================
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will
you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde
added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
=====================
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
She moved

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade
=====================

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
====================

Average Time


Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.
The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.
156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So girl, if you are not getting your half mile every year,
I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!
=============================

The American Dream

Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6:00 A.M.
While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and
shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan),
his designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).After cooking up some breakfast
in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines),
he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico),
how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland),
to the radio (made in Hong Kong),
he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany),
goes looking as he has been for months,
for a good paying American job.After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine (made in France),
and turns on his TV (made in Japan),
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.
===========================

[bonyhadi]

SOLDIER'S LETTER


A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS,
BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:

M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT. O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES
WE HAVE.H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE
HAD.

THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:

F- IS FOR THE ****ED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR
IN.H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE
WE NEVER HAD.

AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:

B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.B- IS FOR THE BASTARD
HE OR SHE WILL BE.Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."

SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER
SO SHE WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:

B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.S- IS FOR THE GOOD ***** YOU
SUCKED.T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.R- IS THE RASH
ON YOUR ASS.I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.N- IS
FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.

AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS ****IN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.
=======================
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
the courtroom.
===============================

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE


Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cumJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
===========================
About Women



Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything
on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't
understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah
Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional
for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider, a wasp or roach
involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell 2 or 3 people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling or
another woman calling to gossip.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an
'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep 3 different shampoos and 2 different conditioners in the shower. After a Woman showers, the
bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things could be.

If a man goes on a 7 day trip, he'll pack 4 days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice. If a Woman
goes on a 7 day trip she'll pack 21 outfits, because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Watch a Woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it
that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a VERY LARGE bowl to
pee in, but only because they always seem to pee on the wall or floor instead. I guess Men need even BIGGER
bowls.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when Women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A Woman can visit her girlfriend for 2 weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.

Women will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or
get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that).

PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, breast sizes and age.

Women will make 3 right-hand turns to avoid making 1 left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in Woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

Women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.

Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by
asking, 'What did you do?'

Only Women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights.

All Women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the
check.

If a man ticks off a Woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but
makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in
more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and
then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested forcoming on to the Cop.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women
trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried.

Women fake orgasm, because men fake foreplay.

It's okay for Women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other Women.

Men can never catch Women checking out other men; Women will always catch men checking out other
Women.

The most embarrassing thing for Women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-G-D, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
==================================

[bonyhadi]

Application For Redneck Driver's License



Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and
where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_ Do you have a
gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready! ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?
============================

[bonyhadi]

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him
something very special! BB already had pretty much
everything a person could want: money, fame and happiness.
BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt, a "B"
on each butt cheek.

That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to
give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very
special, she bent over and pull her pants down, revealing
her bare, tattooed ass! She told BB to look.

He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the
**** is BOB?"
===============================
Q. Why don't women need driver's licenses?
A. There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
=======================
A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release ofendorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
============================
A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he
happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would
want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"They are dead," said the man.

"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

"Jump, you Yankee Sum*****!" replied the Texan.
==========================
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF

1. Monica Lewinski
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why You Ask? Well,,,,,,,

1. Monica is a hooker
2. O. J. is a slicer
3. Ted can't drive over water, and..
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played
===================
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
~~~~~
Q: Why do they say that eating bean curd and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything!
=====================
The perfect woman - a nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
==========================
NEW DEFINITIONS

1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male......................The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female................Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male.....................Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female.............The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...................Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female..............A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...................Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.............A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male..................Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female............An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male.................A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female............The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male.................Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female............A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male.................A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
========================
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began
undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so
gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked."They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
==================
Sex in Sun City
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and
charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my
house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from
Medicare."
==========================
The best 25 Austin Powers Pickup Lines (use your best Austin Powers accent)

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

7. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

8. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

9. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

10. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

11. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

12. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

13. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

14. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

15. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

16. Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

17. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

18. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

19. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

20. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

21. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
22. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

23. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

24. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

25. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
=============================
This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day
complaining about the fact that her husband
isn't enough for her any more and that she
is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the
counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the
lady blushes as he shows her the different
sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last
but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'.
Just say to the dildo what you want it to do
and it will be done.
The lady goes home, reads the instructions
carefully, places the dildo on the chest of
draws, and lies on the bed naked with her
legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - *****'.

The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots
straight between her legs. After an unknown
amount of time she tires of it and says
'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't,
it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out,
dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs
it again, throws it across the room and runs
out of the house screaming naked with the dildo
chasing along after her. She runs around the
corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering
what she is doing naked on the street, she explains
to him that a magic dildo is chasing her.

The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!'
====================

[bonyhadi]

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into
the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet
paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those
little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and
pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise
if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a
pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to
piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then
that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the
top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs
down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
===========================
Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 12 years. He wants oral sex,
regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes,
Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know
if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl
ehj fpsm4th fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld m6hkdli dlks; a;ld;;'cinsely
ous mdyl isnt';dk~#-0.......

:-) :-) :-) :-)

Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Jane: What did you say?

Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your **** out of my house !"
==========================
A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
=======================

Did you hear about the blonde that...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a
period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot
glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't
find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor
pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6
for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a
fork.
====================================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
========================

[bonyhadi]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
=======================

Did you hear about the blonde that...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a
period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot
glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't
find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor
pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6
for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a
fork.
====================================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
========================
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say...

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our
relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and
I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something
meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell
her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't
look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's
Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
==============================

12 STEP PROGRAM

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me
money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or
anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER--NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone
will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when
he was 7 years old. He is now 20, cancer free and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL
CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if
passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ.
If G-d wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
==============================
A woman is having her annual physical and after all the
poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely,
"I'm sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live".
Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her
condition to her husband and exclaims, "I want to
spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."
Her husband replies, "That's easy for you to say, honey.
You don't have to get up in the morning!"
=================================

[bonyhadi]

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and
remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of
the
school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure
worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you
make
it last an hour?"
~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly men are having a conversation about sex:
1st: "I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "The secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushes to the bakery.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "That's a lot of bread, sir. It's sure to get hard before you get a
chance to eat it all."
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"


=====================
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he sells extra large condoms.He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait
around here until someone does?"
====================
Buffie walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the
fact that they are about to be audited during the coming month.

Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!" "I'm screwed, too!"
says the other guy, slapping his forehead. "Guys, I am about to be
****ed beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy
in anguish.

Just then, one of the guys notices Buffie standing there listening.
She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?"
asks the guy. "Yes," replies Buffie, "but I was wondering... How do
I go about getting audited?"
====================================
The ultimate list of excuses:
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
=================================
What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating ***** and it taste like ****.
==============================
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name
is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing
yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela
Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
================
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you go mad, too?"
====================
There was a shoe salesman siting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't
stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any
panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your ***** with ice
cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to
fill my ***** up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!".
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't ****in' with!"

==============================================
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would
get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!â€*
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
===========================================

[bonyhadi]

Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
==================================
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
============================================
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all
the time...and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers
off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you
have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are
lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you
and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to
bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw
You too!'
==================
One day, down by Alligator creek, two of the young boys on the way home from the Catholic grade school, stopped to play in the creek, hoping to catch a frog or
maybe a turtle. One of the boys stopped behind a bush and when he remained there for several minutes the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was
standing there almost motionless for so long..
So he went over behind the bush and saw his friend staring at a naked woman sun bathing on her very secluded deck.
Filled with curiosity, they both were looking at the naked woman when all of a sudden, one of the boys took off
running like hell for home. The other boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked, "Wow, that was interesting, did you see those boobs ? , Why did you run
away?" The other boy replied, "Well, Sister Mary Frances at school, told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn
to stone, and I sure as hell felt something getting hard, so I ran.
==================
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly
a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned
into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous
one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The
black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks
across the bridge.
=======================
Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome
with my sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He can-
not get enough of you, so he goes for the next best
thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this
can bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then
let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral
sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your
figure, and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a
night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back
to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional
and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you
must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the
family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while
doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your
man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is
that you do not love your man as much as you should-he
has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all
wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him
a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by
militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family
unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook
him a delicious meal.
======================
*** A Hillbilly translates computer terms...BAR CODE- The fightin' rules down at the local tavern.

CACHE- What you need when you run out of food stamps.

CHIPS- Pasture muffins you try NOT to step in.

DISKETTE- Female disco dancer.

HACKER- Uncle LeRoy after 32 years of smokin'.

HARDCOPY- Picture looked at when pickin' out a tattoo.

INTERNET- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

KEYBOARD- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

MEGAHERTZ- How your head feels after too many beers.

MODEM- What you did when the weeds got too tall.

NETWORK- Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ONLINE- Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.

ROM- Where the Pope lives.

SERIAL PORT- A red wine you drink for breakfast.

SUPERCONDUCTOR- AmTrak's employee of the year.

[bonyhadi]

Most strange is surely marriage between a human being and an animal
(which history has recorded) or between a human being and a tree!
Tree marriages were prevalent in various parts of India.
Among the Brahmans of southern India it was the custom
that a younger brother should not marry before an older one.
To satisfy the requirement, when there is no bride in sight for a senior brother,
he is ceremoniously married to a tree (or to the spirit inside the tree)
to allow the younger brother to take a wife. In some instances tree marriages occur
at the same time as the marriage of the couple, the idea being that evil influence
which may attach to the married pair be diverted to the tree.
=============
Spending some quality time with the purple-headed custard chucker

And a kazillion more Masturbation terms found at WWW (world wide wank)
http://www.worldwidewank.com/synonyms.html
===================================
About five men in eight said they would rather give up sex for 6 months than go without TV
According the FBI, 19% of all couples turn on the television after sex
34% of couples turn on the television during sex
16% of all partners wish they were with someone else
When it comes to sex, 55% of lovers argue about when to stop
===========================================

Research Holds Hope for Genitally Challenged Men
Thu Sep 12, 9:38 AM ET LONDON (Reuters)
Scientists in the United States have succeeded in growing major parts
of penises in the laboratory. The test tube penile parts were successfully used to
rebuild the members of rabbits who after rest and recuperation
put them to the use that rabbits are famous for.
"They were able to copulate, penetrate and produce sperm,"
He said the researchers were now trying to grow entire penises in the test tube.
But he also said the technique was at an early stage and that it would be a
while before the technique was tried with human tissue. The scientists had only been
successful in growing the erectile tissues of rabbit penisesm not the entire organ,
and in all cases the erect member had the reduced firmness

of a 60-year-old against that of a more virile 30-year-old.
=============================

Rose arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

She did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

Rose took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

====================================
Don't believe everything that you see.
Most of it is done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras!
===============
Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new
panties.
The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red
crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come
home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and
pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.
She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."
=================
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To cuss out staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0
===========================
What do you call a dwarf prostitute?
A little ****er about this high.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A last name.
========================
DEFINITIONS

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack
of responsibility at the other end.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but
himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all
over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight
on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lotCRETARY -
A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
=====================
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some
people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real
shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the
critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
============================
Vibrators vs men!!!
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready. It's
happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards. You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it
home.
Vibrators are better then men because ...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the ****, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!(while you keep
coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
================

[bonyhadi]

Miserable Dick
When the guy is extremely handsome
He says the right things and does the right things
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department
He sucks your tits too hard
Kisses your mouth too long
Stays around your neck forever
Fingers you like a GYN Doctor
Licks your ***** like he's in a track meet
And has a very small dick
You try to give him head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier

Tolerable Dick
This is a funny dick
He eats major *****
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak
It was good enough to make you shed a tear
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick
The man will say, that we just have big pussies from having
too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him
Only for them to forget that the ***** is a muscle that
accommodates the size of the penis

Internet Dick
Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game,
but you never know what to expect in person
Then you meet and you **** and the dick is trash

Pissed Off Dick
The guy you're sleeping with punishes your *****.
If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your *****".
If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your *****".
If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your *****."
No matter what, he "punishes your *****".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is ****ing you ~
"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?",
"WHO'S ***** IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' **** NOW",
"YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS ***** DON'T YA?".

Guilty Dick
The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you ****ed someone else.
The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody.
Guilty dick is in a class of its own.
Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms.
Makes you cry and you have no clue to why.
This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance.
He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times,
you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet.
The lips on your ***** are so swollen that if you got
outta bed they would be draggin' the ground.
It hurt so good. He licks on your ***** as if he was
a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal.
He smells it like fine wine.
By now you're in shock and forget about your man.
He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick.
You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

Pleasurable Dick
This is good convenient dick.
Easy dick.
Dick you can call when your body needs a fix.
He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and ****s you like GUILTY DICK.
Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty.
Whenever you call, this dick is ready.
His dick craves your *****.
This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GawdDamn Dick
Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it.
His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar.
This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time.
While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GAWDDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

Commitment Dick
This is the gold mine dick.
This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret.
In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it.
When you get this dick, you go through convulsions.
This is the dick that makes you everready.
You call in sick from work for it.
This is the dick that you want to put insurance on,
just in case anything should happen to it.
This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA,

GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY ... ANYBODY! DICK"
=================================

[bonyhadi]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White

House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to
Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"



============================

"Men are simple things.
They can survive a whole weekend with
only three things:
beer, boxer shorts
and batteries for the remote control.."

==================================================
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman -
both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage,
but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfil me sexual expectations,"
the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband.
"But when I promised to fill the void in your life,
I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"
=======================================
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid
that I've got good news and bad news for you."

"Tell me the good news first, doc." the man says.

"Your cock is going to get two inches longer and a whole
inch wider." the doctor states.

"That's fantastic, doc. What's the bad news."

The doctor looks at him and says "It's malignant."
==================================
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein
came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come
home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until
he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see
a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face.
"He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put
on
some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that
her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of
advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that
first
sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so
much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come
outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our
backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the
therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
===========================
Jake has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says,
"Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"
============================
A farmer was out one day with his three ducks taking them for a walk.
He stopped along the way to buy some groceries and asked the
shopkeeper to keep an eye on them whilst he looked around the shop.

The shopkeeper looked at the ducks and said to the first duck, "What's
your name and how was your day." The duck replied, "My names Huey and
I have had a wonderful day, been in and out of puddles all day, a
terrific day."

The shopkeeper asked the second duck the same question and the duck
replied, "My name is Duey, and I've had the best day ever, I've been
in and out of puddles, just a wonderful day."

The shopkeeper looked at the third duck and said, " let me guess, your
name is Louie and you've had a wonderful day as well."

The duck replied, "No!......my name is Puddles and I've had a ****ed
day."
==============================================
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees
another guy with no scuba gear. He goes
down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with
him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes,
"How the hell can you stay down this deep without
equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes,
"You asshole, I'm drowning!"
=============================
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and heard
her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man
on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"I need a bike! I need a bike!"
==============================
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill
like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner
because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box."
============================================
Dump A Man Form ( for the ladies)
========================
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.
19. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your
leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first
started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there
was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine.

'Are you sure?' she asked.

'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can
do for you?' she wanted to know.

'I reckon not' I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this
story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained,
"when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell
off the roof!"
-----============================--------------
Dear Tony,

I have been unable to sleep since I decided to break off your engagement
to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive
about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that
motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have
reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure,
too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to
Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything
about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was
wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full
blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
==================================

The Top 15 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tips


15> This fall, dress up that plain old orange jumpsuit with
a do-rag dyed with some ink you boosted from the license
plate shop.

14> A shiv makes an excellent olive pitter. And vice versa.

13> Looking for the perfect tassels to accent your "Home Sweet
Home" macrame? Try using your ex-lawyer's testicles.

12> Rat skins can be used to make adorable little bedroom slippers.

11> It's a good idea to have an adequate supply of your own blood
stored in dated Zip-Loc bags. You can keep them cool in your
toilet tank.

10> Remember: On the right of the metal dinner tray, place the
salad shank and the shrimp shiv.

9> A sock filled with rocks and tunneling dirt can produce a
festive and functional blackjack that can knock the eyebrows
off a rhino.

8> Save your teeth after prison yard beatings to string as
garland during the holidays.

7> You can make a decorative and functional toilet cozy by using
the carefully peeled skin of the stoolie who ratted you out.

6> Floating worthless stock certificates in the toilet turns the
water a pretty shade of blue.

5> When cell space is severely limited, body cavities offer
excellent supplemental storage spaces for small but highly
valued heirlooms.

4> A simple wall calendar comes in handy for keeping track of
which Big Mama owns you this week.

3> A pinch of Windex can spruce up even the blandest jug of
toilet wine.

2> A gentle soaking in a solution of vinegar and mineral water
will take the "ass smell" out of most contraband.

and the Number 1
Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tip...


1> Nothing says "home" like a bologna welcome mat.
=============================================

[bonyhadi]

Lezbonics



1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ...A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ...Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because
they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? ...Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ...Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint. (eeewwwww)
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? ...POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? ...See you next
month
12. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...She was found face
down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ...Even the pool table
doesn't
have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? ...It's when a man wears everything
lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? ...Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? ...She kick-starts her
vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? ...Twenty blind lesbians in a
fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's
a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!







A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite sister walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Sir, did you call for me?"
The mans replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
==========================
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
===================
A guest in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one
morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile, "Good Morning,
sir. What a wonderful morning! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so
undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's
tough and hard to eat.
Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out
so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd like some butter straight
from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak
coffee, lukewarm."
"I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do that for
you."
The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
===================
One day in the Garden of Eden while Adam was away,
Eve became really horny. As she was not expecting Adam
back for a while, she decided to go off and look for some fun.
Walking along, she spotted a dinosaur, grabbed it,
and ****ed it till it died. Still not satisfied,
she came across some monkeys playing in the trees.
She tried to grab them, but all she could get were handfuls
of their hair. She continued on and came to a stream.
She reached in and pulled at the biggest fish she
could find and, using it like a dildo, ****ed herself
until she was satisfied. This has taught science many things.
We now know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
We also know why monkeys have no hair on their ass.
But to this day we still don't know how fish used to smell.
=====================

Chop and Drop Syndrome


WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!" DON'T LAUGH, ITS TRUE! IT
COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!! Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are
contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong
way, or just generally piss them off! MEN, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would
find your chopped member in time, and intact!
Could you be sure the penis part they found was even yours?
INQUIRE NOW ABOUT OUR LOW COST PENIS PROTECTION PLAN!
Plan A - The "Basic Package" We will register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique
registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match EVERY TIME!
Plan B - The "Jurassic Prick" program. We will take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you
in the event a tractor-trailer rig runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew
toy!
Plan C - "Balls of Steel" For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated
stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary.
When you are asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock
strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free of worry!
DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...... ORDER TODAY!
CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIK
======================

Amusing Irrelevant Facts

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
==================================

[bonyhadi]

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
=============================
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard.
Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key
on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z
key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can
also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis

1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
==================================
The ultimate list of excuses:
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
===================
A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny, how about
a little bit tonight."

No, she said, I've got cold cream on my face and I'm afraid I might get
it on the bed.

He said ok and went on to bed. The next night he came in and said"
Honey, i'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess
up the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I took a laxitive and I'm afraid I might **** on the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, i'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight"?

She said, no, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed.

OK he said and went on to sleep. The next night he came home with a big
cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, ****, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight"
=======================
A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken
to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused
agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the
nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
=================
John had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times,"
"The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times.
The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried shoving a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass"?
=====================================
On the Internet they found romance
That put them both into a sexual trance
But each had a gripe
About having to type
With a hand stuck down into the pants.
==================================
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One
Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the
offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take
any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said,
"I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU
TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question." So they
traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair;
is that true?"
The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband
decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment,
and then exclaims, "HOLY****! IT WORKS!"
==========================================
Doug went to the doctor today for a small problem. He was unable to straighten out his fingers for a while and thought he should check into it. Well, his doctor, being
the progressive type, gave him a script for a low dosage of Viagra to see if that might help with the problem... and it surely did!
His fingers are now straighter than they have ever been. But the side effect is killing Doug. Now that he can't curl his fingers, he can't get any satisfaction at all.
==========================
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to
put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?
=================
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so
he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!"
His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
=============================
Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
==================
TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
=========================

Diary of a Smoker-Quitting

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day:

Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind
me of cigarettes.
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives! with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care.
Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.

Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six
times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison."

Am feeling unusually testy as result of
lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.

Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.

Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.

Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.)

Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:
Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel much better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.

Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal
"It Takes a Village" crimes statute:
new law allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Day 1: ****.


=============================
Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
==================

[bonyhadi]

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do
so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private
course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of
play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
==================================
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a
tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and
asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why, reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in.
===========================================
GOVERNMENT WARNING:
Eating female's organ is dangerous to your health because its 5% urine, 3% acidic, 2% fat & 90% addictive. Hehehe. Eat moderately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I meet a hot babe last night, she undid my fly and started playing with my dick!

I said "you handle that well" she said "I should; I used to have one!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue
================================
Doctor, you've gotta help me... my wife Sharon just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, Charlie, I can't prescribe..."

"Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give Sharon more than
ONE, understand?... JUST one."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen
to
bring dessert. Charlie , in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon's coffee. He reflects for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.

Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a
few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep,
throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, "I... need... a man..!!!"

Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..!!!."
====================================
Bob goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out
and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
Bob farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
Bob thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells,
"Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
===================================
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your wonder bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
================================
A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was
not a tramp. She was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings; first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of
wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
=============================

[bonyhadi]

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A
WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more
physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's
easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt
away. The holes in the armpits are too
cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing
unless I get to swallow.



TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.





The Guy Dictionary
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON
MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real
babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE
ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will
bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."







This is highly amusing.....

Inner Peace

Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've
started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I
start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you........
**
*
*
*
*
Here are the things that I have finished today:
two bags of potato chips,
a strawberry cheesecake,
a package of Oreo's,
a bottle of wine
and a small box of chocolates.

I think this really works because I feel better already!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~