Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"
John did, and didn't notice the"No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was
following his wife's directions.
He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
=====================
Linda: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.
Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.
Linda: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped into their seats.
=====================
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
===============================
Doug's barn burned down and his wife, Tammy, called the insurance company. Tammy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa, there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then
we'll provide you with another barn just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Tammy replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.
===================
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:
The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, Sir?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"
The Eyewitness: "Two televisions."
The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
====================
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences.
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table."You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course, I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
============================================
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the
bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When
he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.
He said, "That was the best, Honey. You've never moved like that before. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
========================
My friends Dick and Sandra, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to Dick,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.
Once again Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND
A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that Sandra turns to Dick and says,

"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
============================
New herbal remedies...

P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women.

Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
=========================
Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a
replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his
concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but
he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little
funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through
the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was
desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he
realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
=======================
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That
changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?
=================
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another
woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
===========================
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She
goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms
of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
=============
M & M Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add
these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate,
eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you
want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW
one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat
the WHOLE BAG!!!
======================