Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Dear ABBY,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but has cheated
entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters.

They know he's a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a
hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets
caught, he just denies it all. Then he admits he was wrong, and begs
me toforgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town
knows he's a cheat. What should I do?

Dear Frustrated,
You should dump him. Now that you are a New York
Senator, you don't need him anymore.

[wadesdad]

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

"Oh my God ... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no
clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
the swimming pool, but he must have forgot
that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[Mr.Fixit]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
itin his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked
at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention."

[CobraDan]

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Breasts."

[CobraDan]

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7- Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

[CobraDan]

There was a guy who walked into a bar to get a cold one. Inside he met a pirate.
The guy sat down next to the pirate and noticed he had a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The guy turned to the pirate and said "Do you know that there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate turned to the guy and said "Aye, It Drives Me Nuts"

[CobraDan]

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

[CobraDan]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

[CobraDan]

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.- They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I... I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

[CobraDan]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly
offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had
asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I
had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if
I
asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had

asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would
ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the
guy says,

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[CobraDan]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment
suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and
say's what's wrong with the co-worker
telling you that your hair smells nice. The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[trctrdrvr]

There was a couple married for 50 yrs and on the 50th anniversary the wife saw the husband crying and she told him "honey I never knew that after 50 yrs you would still love me the same way you did 50 yrs ago".

The husband looks at the wife and ask her " honey remember 50 yrs ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked".

And the wife says yes, the man replies do you remember what your father told me that day?

She replies no.

The husband replies he told me that if I didn't marry you that he would have me locked up in prison for 50 yrs.

The wife looks at the husband and says "and?"

So the husband replies"**** I could have been a free man by now"

[trctrdrvr]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hrs. on the road, they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but only plan to sleep for 4 hrs and then get back on the road.

When they check out 4 hrs later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and the explains the hotel has an Olimpic-size pool and ahuge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. " The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions , the man replies, " But we didn't use it it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. " But sir," he says, " this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right" says the man. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

" But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

" Well the manager replies she was here and you could have."

[CobraDan]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's go for stupid. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caught for speeding! The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied,"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stuck under a bridge. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir.You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's
go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dealing with trouble. A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy,
"you're under arrest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too Late! The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at
this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

[bonyhadi]

Ten reasons why golf is better than sex

1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
3. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
6. Three times a day is possible.
7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you live in Sun City, you can do it every day.
9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
.........and best of all
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it
===========================================
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and
promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
==================================
Can anyone tell me why Tampax needs a web site?
"Geez, the cramps are really kicking in. I'd better head over to the maxi-
pad chat room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."
My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
A: Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) It's called 101 WAYS TO WOK YOUR DOG.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me
friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness--couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum sucking ****ing arseholes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this: My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read today where the new Alabama quarter is going to be recalled soon.
They say it won't work in vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Eulogy
```````````````````````````````````

She married the day she graduated from high school and
had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. Yet again she remarried, and this
time had 5 more children.

And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
good Lord above, giving thanks for this loving woman
who fulfilled the commandment to "go forth and multiply."

At the end of his eulogy, the preacher said, "Thank you
Lord, they are finally together."

Leaning over to speak with a neighbor, one mourner quietly
asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third
husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."
====================================

[wadesdad]

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in: "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said: "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." ..... "Hi, George what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. "The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated: This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1.00 Knowing where to put it: $49,999.00.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said he liked both because if you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[CobraDan]

A local priest and a minister stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'?"

[bonyhadi]

Click here: Dazzling Dick & Jazzy George


http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2002/...ickgeorge.html

Penis Song http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/PenisSong8.swf

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of
this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute, who
are you supposed to be?"

We're Jack and Jill," they reply.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a short while later they come back dressed
differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door.

Well now, you're just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel", says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel
because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later, the man hears the bell
ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two
children but this time they are BUCK Naked.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!!", he asks.

"Chocolate M&M'S, says the little girl, "I'm plain, he got nuts
==================================================
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."

Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and replies -
"How do you give shoulders?"
========================
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night
the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and
says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night."

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains
out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore
that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished."
=====================================

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: ANTHRAX


CHICAGO (AP) -- Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two
hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance
on the practice field. Head coach Dick Jauron immediately suspended practice
while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided
the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[Hotfingrs]

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first
one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a
pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he
too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then
asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says,
"I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and
says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and
a blood light?