Joke of the Day...

[Hotfingrs]

THE LAWYERS

During a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. After being sworn in, the elderly, grandmotherly woman was eager to testify. The attorney approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She replied, "Why yes, Mr. Williams; I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me, you lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he hastily pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

Again she replied, "Why yes, I do." I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he's cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY NEARLY DIED!

The courtroom erupted in a roar. At this point the judge brought the courtroom to silence with his gavel. He called both counselors to the bench. And in a very hushed voice said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
--

[CobraDan]

Craig was out on the three club outing when he took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
Fortunately, he was golfing with a paramedic. He said "How bad is it Brian?
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
Brian told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of course, the Craig mentions none of this to his Konnie.

They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room Konnie rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[CobraDan]

my kind of fairy tale.....



Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't think so.

[bonyhadi]

How do you spell clitoris?"
I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.
==================================================
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency"
appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the
office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came
into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the
gynecologist to please examine her.

So the doctor started to examine her. He held up his head after
completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing
that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and
expensive
surgical procedure."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman, "but while I am
here, do you think you could replace the batteries?"
=======================================
A little boy sneaks up behind a girl. "BOO!" yells the boy.
"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"
The boy responds, "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"
===================================
Women are like newspapers because...
- Older ones are not in demand
- They're well worth looking over
- They have a great deal of influence
- You can't believe anything they say
- They always have the last word
- You should really get your own and not steal your neighbor's
===============================
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him
if grandma looked like them between her legs.
Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it looked
like a peach with fuzz on it, now it looks like a cow turd that a
wagon wheel has run through."
===============================
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the
driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his
pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow
something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."
===========================================
Craig was out on the three club outing when he took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
Fortunately, he was golfing with a paramedic. He said "How bad is it Brian?
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
Brian told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four
tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of
course, the Craig mentions none of this to his Konnie.

They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room Konnie rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he ever saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
================================
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump
your load into it.
===================================
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to
put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic
facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"
grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him
'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He
hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still
call me the ****ing Jew."
====================================

An old bull was showing his young bovine friend
his pasture one day when they topped out on a hill.
below in the valley were dozens of cows.
"lets run down there and **** one of those cows"
said the young bull.
"son", said the old bull,

"lets walk down there and **** em all"
================================================
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a
helicopter...ten men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they
all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope
would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and
children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex
and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped....

Never underestimate the power of a woman.
==============================================

[CobraDan]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

[CobraDan]

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole"
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That¹s because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
Some fella in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It¹s a yellow house and the car¹s parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea:
I called Asshole #1: "Hello" "You¹re an asshole!" (but I didn¹t hang up)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah?..Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here¹s your chance. I¹m coming over right now."


Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

[CobraDan]

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

[Hotfingrs]

"OH GOD, THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL"
=============
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officiallydeclaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and
decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

[Hotfingrs]

# 1:
A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals......! #2: "TRUST": A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: "Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? "A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. "Q. Officer, who provided this description? "A. The officer who responded to the scene. "Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? "A. Yes sir, with my life. "Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? "A. Yes sir, we do. "Q. And do you have a locker in that room? "A. Yes sir, I do. "Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? "A. Yes sir. "Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? "A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line, and we think he'll win.

[CobraDan]

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side of the Cobra with his nightstick.
As the driver looks up at the Trooper,WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the nightstick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back,and walks around to the passenger side door.
Before the passenger can look up WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!'"

[CobraDan]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

[bonyhadi]

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent
house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was
all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."
============================================
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
======================================
Baby Boomer Music

Some of our old favorites have been re-released.
The following songs are on a new album called
"Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan--"Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs--"Bald Thing"
============================================
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you
write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must
right your copy.
If you write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to
copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write
right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the
right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy
right before the copyright can be right.
Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write
right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that
rite would copy Wright's right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
======================================
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

[bonyhadi]

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD
IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your
friends and family are really dying for you to telephone them at 4
in the morning.
==========================================
"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice?
said her closest friend.
"Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
====================================
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it weren't for women
Men's dicks would rust
=================================

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't....No one wants to hear me sing
==============================
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of
the male anatomy, she asked the doctor
"What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks
"What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis."
The bride then asks
"What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies

"Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
====================
What do Winona Ryder and a gynecologist have in common?
They both have sticky fingers.
===================
*** NOTICE ***

All Employees Are Requested To Take A BATH Before Reporting For Work.
Since We Have To Kiss Your ASS To Get You To Do Anything,
"We Want YOU To BE NICE & CLEAN ! !"
================================================== =====
It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

----LET'S DO THE NUMBERS---------

134,349,027 men in the United States X 3 whack-offs/week
= 403,047,081 whack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24 hours/day X 7days/week
= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

403,047,081 whack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
= 399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)
= 391,851 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

----CONCLUSION-------------------

At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United
States are whacking-off.
So,... be careful who you shake hands with!
=============================================
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull
nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a
locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?"
"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me
a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have **** all
over the place."
"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

[bonyhadi]

==========================================
A male and female on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in
first"

"It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick,
put it on"

Sniff, sniff. "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is
great....."
(long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain
speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're
doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
detector!"
=================================
Man is like an automobile...

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints
get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has
difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to
climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter
and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to
the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making
it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His
frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out,
making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights
grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position'
and ya can't get any where that way.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished,
giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make
one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen...start your engines!
=====================================
Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that
for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and
taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with
me!'"
===============================================
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple
decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up

on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the
doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.

"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for
what's on tap."
===============================
Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?
Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?
*****
Why do Mexicans eat Tomales for Christmas?
So they have something to unwrap!
============================================
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the ***** do the dishes in the dark.
*****
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
*****
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
====================================

[bonyhadi]

How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between
to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling
you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his
tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself
inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the
young men
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to
camel
dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or
NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches
were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that
would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to
be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE
>
>
>
> I was on my way to the post office to pick up
> my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I
> forwarded their e-mail to five other people,
> celebrating the fact that the year 2000
> is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
> whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering
> from having been served a rat in his bucket of
> Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is predictable, since
> as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in
> Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government
> made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day
> this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
> bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all
> over and when he got out of the tub he realized that
> HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his
> mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use
> his phone because it was connected to his computer,
> and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy
> his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join
> the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself
> was a computer programmer who was working on software
> to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers
> get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus
> cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's
> true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from
> BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
> Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the
> e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to
> call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys,
> but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90,
> which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the
> phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into
> the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected
> needle around which was wrapped around a note that said,
> "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a
> few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little
> boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish
> is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and
> the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a
> nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
> e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in
> the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to
> more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for
> 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it
> to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR
> SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive
> himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed
> another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful,
> he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as
> part of a gang initiation.
>
> Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail
> and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the
> owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist
> friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get
> cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo,
> your wife will develop breast cancer from using the
> antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms,
> and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
> I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
>

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: Ain't it the truth!!!
> >
> >At a recent software engineering management course in the
> >US, the participants were given an awkward question to
> >answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered
> >that your team of programmers had been responsible for the
> >flight control software how many of you would disembark
> >immediately?"
> >Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat
> >motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
> >would be quite content to stay onboard.
> >With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely
> >to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
> >

[Hotfingrs]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favourite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10
--

[Hotfingrs]

> The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
> and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
> friend.
>
> "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
>
> Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
>
> "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
>
> Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
> there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
> Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
> to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident
> the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
> Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
> it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
>
> The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb
> Ass,! someone has stolen our tent."
>

[CobraDan]

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the left and the other drive goes to the right.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the path to the golfer's bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.
From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm over here in the pu$$y willows," he hollers.
The wife screams back, "Don't hit the ball!!!! Don't hit the ball!!!!"