Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)

1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai

5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat

9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King

12) Our meeting was rescheduled........Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

17) I Can't believe it............................... No Fu Kin Wai

[Hotfingrs]

One morning a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was
> >surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up
> >in her living room. The housewife explained she'd had a party the night
> >before. They had played a game called "Who's Who's," in which each of the
> >men had put their equipment through the hole and the women had tried to
> >guess their identity.
> >"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the mailman. "Sure wish I'd been
> >there."
> >"You should have been," the housewife informed him."Your name came upthree
> >times!"
> >
> >

[Hotfingrs]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligators." Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill

[Hotfingrs]

In Georgia, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' - can I sue Budweiser
for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

[bonyhadi]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon
getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so
special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear
tonight?"
she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."









THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift
certificate they're supposed to send me.
Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old
Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to
10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !!
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that
someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did
when he was 7 years old. He is now
cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week)
that, if passed, will enable them to
charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will
receive immediately after I forward an
e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I
send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend
or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If
God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to
pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your
friends before the next full moon or you will
surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding...








A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
(Now that in itself could be the joke - but it's not

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper
under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children
about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most
expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a
black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand
inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come
as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays.
But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

*******************************************








Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A jump-lead walks
into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A sandwich walks
into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Dyslexic man walks
into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a
bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two aerials meet on
a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals are
eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop
singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cows standing
next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms
walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him? " Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to
put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really
heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk
off a cliff...... boom boom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or
my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some
camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned
in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in
hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood
disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting
in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man
was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.



Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth

[bonyhadi]

Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth."



Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No I don't
think
so._Fifi_ is in heat." replied the_mother. "What does that mean ?" asked the
child._Embarrassed
and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter the mother
said
"Oh, just go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the
garage
and says,"Dad may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said Fifi
was
in heat, and I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion
either,
the father said,"Bring Fifi over here." he took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scurbbed
the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk, but keep Fifi on the leash
and
you can only go around the block once." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes
later
with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" asked her father. "She ran out of gas about
halfway
down the block and another dog is pushing her home"











This little boy goes up to his father and he says "Dad? what's the difference between
Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father says "well son, go ask your mother if
she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom
Cruise
for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mother and asks her if she would sleep
with
Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "oh my god of course I would,
he
is so good looking!" so the boy goes to his sister and asks her if she would sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!"
then
the boy goes to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars, and the brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million dollars?" so
he
goes to his father and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and
realilstically" "well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well potentially we're
sitting
on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag."

[bonyhadi]

On their first night together, a newleywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of
the
bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are
married
now, you can take off your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh.aaahhh." he exclaims "my god you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture." puzzled she asks him "my picture?" he answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your
beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads
into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "why do you
wear a
robe? we are married now" at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims "oh,OH, OH MY,
let me
get a picture." He beams and asks why, she answers "So I can get it enlarged."




A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears
a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice
again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands,
and after some inches, he finds a small chest with
a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a
rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the
chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the
man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of
roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the
27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!






Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument....

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....

1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded"






Here's a list of things your wife should say...in
your dreams...!!!

1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my *****.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday
too.
13. Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
14. No, no, I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new
clubs.
17. I fully understand...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go
hunting with the guys, it's a
wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my
friend Diana over for a
threesome?
19. Not the ****ing mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that
nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
================================

The Creation Of *****

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design. First was a
carpenter, strong and bold, using a
hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could
pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
=====================

REQUEST FOR PROMOTION!

The male sexual organ REQUESTS A PROMOTION and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

REQUEST DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
================================
The English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
===================================



Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth."

[bonyhadi]

************************************************** *******
NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon
a set of tracks.

One blonde said that they were deer tracks.

The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Q. What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when
inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole, can make you
feel better?
A. VICKS INHALER!

************************************************** *******

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna
Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with
invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really
bad taste." -- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a society cat who was a bit of
a snob, though she did chat occasionally with her neighbor, an
alley cat.

One day, she announced that she was about to have an
operation, although she didn't mention what it was for. Two
weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired
politely how she was feeling. Then he dared to ask what kind
of operation she had.

"I am quite well now, thank you," the society cat
replied, stiffly. "I'm recovering from a hysterectomy."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in
exasperation. "Why can't you just call a spay a spayed?"

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"I like to be a ***** so much that it pisses me off when my
period ends."

In New York City there is a school for transvestites. Guys
can go there and learn how to dress and act like women.
You've heard of William and Mary? At this school William IS
Mary. --Jay Leno

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes
to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors
standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the
surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were
forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have
a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience
another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"When **** becomes valuable, the poor will be born
without assholes." -- Henry Miller

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women.
Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is
kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."
-- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Gulf War troops

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Bonehead Award

A "stupidest lawsuit in the world" Bonehead Award goes to
Kenneth Bianchi, a.k.a. the "Hillside Strangler" for filing a
lawsuit against Whatcom County, Washington, in which he is
seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost wages and
emotional distress for his having plead guilty to serial
murder charges. He said had the police been honest with him
about not having as much evidence against him as he thought
they had that he would have tried beating the murder charges
instead of admitting to them.

Bianchi is currently serving a 118-year jail term in
Washington after which he would then serve five life
terms in California.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer 27-Jun-02







If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

"I'm so embarrassed. I told everyone that Soylent Green is
people, but if you read the label closely, it says
it's actually made from "artificial people flavoring."
---Bob Van Voris

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Proverbs of the 3rd Millenium

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* Great groups from little icons grow.

* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

* In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

* Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* There's no place like your homepage.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never
to have loved a tall."

General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc. If the Post
company bought these brands, then I have a new product for
them: take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a
little cinnamon and sugar, and voila! New, Post Dated
hex! -- Calman Fine

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Retirement

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old
ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked
closer, he saw they were all stark naked!

He went to the front door and rang the bell. When the
director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine
naked old ladies in his front yard.

The director said: "Yes, I know. They all live here.
They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

What do people in China call their good plates?

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance
called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her
class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then
side-step side-step and turn around"
-- Peter Bergt

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
You will receive 823,542 women

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order
to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a
large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send
it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your
name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off
and, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old
dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine
attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved
out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in
6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying
in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL .

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your
best friends.

P.S.: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
may soon undertake.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

"Police in L.A. are out there trying to arrest Motley
Crue singer Vince Neil because they claim he hit a man outside
a nightclub. If Neil did attack the man, it
would be Motley Crue's first hit since 1985."
-- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******

[bonyhadi]

************************************************** *******
NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon
a set of tracks.

One blonde said that they were deer tracks.

The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Q. What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when
inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole, can make you
feel better?
A. VICKS INHALER!

************************************************** *******

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna
Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with
invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really
bad taste." -- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a society cat who was a bit of
a snob, though she did chat occasionally with her neighbor, an
alley cat.

One day, she announced that she was about to have an
operation, although she didn't mention what it was for. Two
weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired
politely how she was feeling. Then he dared to ask what kind
of operation she had.

"I am quite well now, thank you," the society cat
replied, stiffly. "I'm recovering from a hysterectomy."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in
exasperation. "Why can't you just call a spay a spayed?"

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"I like to be a ***** so much that it pisses me off when my
period ends."

In New York City there is a school for transvestites. Guys
can go there and learn how to dress and act like women.
You've heard of William and Mary? At this school William IS
Mary. --Jay Leno

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes
to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors
standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the
surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were
forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have
a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience
another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"When **** becomes valuable, the poor will be born
without assholes." -- Henry Miller

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women.
Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is
kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."
-- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Gulf War troops

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Bonehead Award

A "stupidest lawsuit in the world" Bonehead Award goes to
Kenneth Bianchi, a.k.a. the "Hillside Strangler" for filing a
lawsuit against Whatcom County, Washington, in which he is
seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost wages and
emotional distress for his having plead guilty to serial
murder charges. He said had the police been honest with him
about not having as much evidence against him as he thought
they had that he would have tried beating the murder charges
instead of admitting to them.

Bianchi is currently serving a 118-year jail term in
Washington after which he would then serve five life
terms in California.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer 27-Jun-02







If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

"I'm so embarrassed. I told everyone that Soylent Green is
people, but if you read the label closely, it says
it's actually made from "artificial people flavoring."
---Bob Van Voris

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Proverbs of the 3rd Millenium

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* Great groups from little icons grow.

* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

* In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

* Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* There's no place like your homepage.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never
to have loved a tall."

General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc. If the Post
company bought these brands, then I have a new product for
them: take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a
little cinnamon and sugar, and voila! New, Post Dated
hex! -- Calman Fine

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Retirement

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old
ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked
closer, he saw they were all stark naked!

He went to the front door and rang the bell. When the
director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine
naked old ladies in his front yard.

The director said: "Yes, I know. They all live here.
They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

What do people in China call their good plates?

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance
called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her
class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then
side-step side-step and turn around"
-- Peter Bergt

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
You will receive 823,542 women

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order
to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a
large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send
it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your
name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off
and, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old
dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine
attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved
out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in
6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying
in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL .

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your
best friends.

P.S.: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
may soon undertake.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

"Police in L.A. are out there trying to arrest Motley
Crue singer Vince Neil because they claim he hit a man outside
a nightclub. If Neil did attack the man, it
would be Motley Crue's first hit since 1985."
-- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******

[bonyhadi]

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a
British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about
the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when
she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first
thing you did?"

"I ****ed my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I ****ed her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than
that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
======================================
Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright,
he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.
Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs
the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really
like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you ..
you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing -
if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what
type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug
and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out
again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need
to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out
his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"
==================================
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and
therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships
because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her
inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she
decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the
butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date
and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up
some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST
time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and
fall asleep in each other's arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs
and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end
up an old maid."

She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table...
"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time,
and I think you are WONDERFUL!

Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can
get together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill
(P.S. Your ****'s in the sink)
=============================

[Hotfingrs]

THE LAWYERS

During a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. After being sworn in, the elderly, grandmotherly woman was eager to testify. The attorney approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She replied, "Why yes, Mr. Williams; I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me, you lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he hastily pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

Again she replied, "Why yes, I do." I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he's cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY NEARLY DIED!

The courtroom erupted in a roar. At this point the judge brought the courtroom to silence with his gavel. He called both counselors to the bench. And in a very hushed voice said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
--

[CobraDan]

Craig was out on the three club outing when he took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
Fortunately, he was golfing with a paramedic. He said "How bad is it Brian?
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
Brian told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of course, the Craig mentions none of this to his Konnie.

They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room Konnie rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[CobraDan]

my kind of fairy tale.....



Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't think so.

[bonyhadi]

How do you spell clitoris?"
I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.
==================================================
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency"
appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the
office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came
into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the
gynecologist to please examine her.

So the doctor started to examine her. He held up his head after
completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing
that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and
expensive
surgical procedure."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman, "but while I am
here, do you think you could replace the batteries?"
=======================================
A little boy sneaks up behind a girl. "BOO!" yells the boy.
"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"
The boy responds, "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"
===================================
Women are like newspapers because...
- Older ones are not in demand
- They're well worth looking over
- They have a great deal of influence
- You can't believe anything they say
- They always have the last word
- You should really get your own and not steal your neighbor's
===============================
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him
if grandma looked like them between her legs.
Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it looked
like a peach with fuzz on it, now it looks like a cow turd that a
wagon wheel has run through."
===============================
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the
driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his
pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow
something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."
===========================================
Craig was out on the three club outing when he took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
Fortunately, he was golfing with a paramedic. He said "How bad is it Brian?
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
Brian told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four
tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of
course, the Craig mentions none of this to his Konnie.

They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room Konnie rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he ever saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
================================
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump
your load into it.
===================================
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to
put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic
facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"
grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him
'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He
hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still
call me the ****ing Jew."
====================================

An old bull was showing his young bovine friend
his pasture one day when they topped out on a hill.
below in the valley were dozens of cows.
"lets run down there and **** one of those cows"
said the young bull.
"son", said the old bull,

"lets walk down there and **** em all"
================================================
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a
helicopter...ten men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they
all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope
would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and
children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex
and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped....

Never underestimate the power of a woman.
==============================================

[CobraDan]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

[CobraDan]

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole"
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That¹s because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
Some fella in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It¹s a yellow house and the car¹s parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea:
I called Asshole #1: "Hello" "You¹re an asshole!" (but I didn¹t hang up)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah?..Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here¹s your chance. I¹m coming over right now."


Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

[CobraDan]

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

[Hotfingrs]

"OH GOD, THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL"
=============
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officiallydeclaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and
decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

[Hotfingrs]

# 1:
A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals......! #2: "TRUST": A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: "Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? "A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. "Q. Officer, who provided this description? "A. The officer who responded to the scene. "Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? "A. Yes sir, with my life. "Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? "A. Yes sir, we do. "Q. And do you have a locker in that room? "A. Yes sir, I do. "Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? "A. Yes sir. "Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? "A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line, and we think he'll win.

[CobraDan]

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side of the Cobra with his nightstick.
As the driver looks up at the Trooper,WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the nightstick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back,and walks around to the passenger side door.
Before the passenger can look up WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!'"