Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
Where else would they hang the air freshener.
*****
The big difference between Hobos & Homos is that Hobos have no
friends ~ and Homos have friends coming out their ass!
*****
How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

============================================

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads,
. . . and you wonder why the ocean is so salty?
==========================
A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and
they've just finished having sex.

"Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just had?" he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

==========================================

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.
=============
Buggin' You


http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/f...-bugseren2.swf

==========================================

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice. I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie ...
===========================================

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's
a Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other Priest and says,
" I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, It's working just fine.

" I'm down to 2 butts a day."
================================================== =

Behind the Wheel ...c Sans MS

The average driver emits more than 912 pints of wind inside a car during
his/her lifetime.

The average driver will have sex in a car six times in their lives.

They will spend around two hours and 14 minutes kissing in their motors.

Mr or Mrs Average will swear or blaspheme 32,025 times behind the wheel.

Motorists each munch through about 21 lbs of chocolate as they trundle along.

They will also nod off at the wheel 11 times and jump 181 red lights.

The average driver will also honk the horn 15,250 times in a lifetime
and be locked out of the car nine times.

Mr or Ms average driver believes their driving is better than 87%
of other drivers and they pay attention to only 35% of road signs.

In a lifetime of journeys the average woman driver will throw two-thirds of her
body weight
out of the window as rubbish or other matter, while men will throw their entire
body weight out.
========================

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: kids conversations
> >
> >Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
> >Student: Seven.
> >Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
> >Student: Nine.
> >Teacher: That's impossible.
> >Student: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.
> >
> >Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
> >George: Here it is!
> >Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
> >Class: George!
> >
> >Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> >have ten
> >years ago.
> >Willy: Me!
> >
> >Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
> >Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
> >
> >Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one
> >day?
> >Alfred: I get up early.
> >
> >Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
> >Student: Yes, sir.
> >Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
> >Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep
> >yours.
> >
> >Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> >Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
> >
> >Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
> >Teacher: Of course not.
> >Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
> >
> >Teacher: Why are you late?
> >Webster: Because of the sign.
> >Teacher: What sign?
> >Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
> >
> >Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
> >Don: I hope you didn't either.
> >
> >Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
> >Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
> >
> >Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
> >Junior: Because of absence.
> >Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
> >Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
> >
> >Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> >Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> >Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
> >
> >Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
> >Father: What's that?
> >Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
> >
> >Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
> >Sammy: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
> >
> >Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
> >Jose: Don't bite any.
> >
> >Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
> >Ellen: I is...
> >Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
> >Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> >
> >Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
> >Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense
> >before detail.
> >
> >Teacher: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
> >Toby: Didn't you tell us to read Dr. Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?
> >
> >The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
> >"There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he
> >snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" A voice from the
> >back of the auditorium shouted, "Okay, you start."
> >
> >Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
> >Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
> >
> >Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
> >Sasha: A new bike.
> >
> >Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,
> >how many
> >dollars would you have?
> >Vincent: One dollar.
> >Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
> >Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
> >
> >Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would
> >I have?
> >Class Comedian: Big hands!
> >
> >Teacher: Why are you late?
> >Amos: I lost my quarter.
> >Teacher: And why are you late, Oliver?
> >Oliver: I was standing on it.
> >
> >"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl
> >"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
> >"No."
> >"I'm the principal's daughter."
> >"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
> >"No," she replied.
> >"Thank goodness!"
> >

[bonyhadi]

Pickup Line Of The Day
Mind if I breastfeed?
====================
Signs On Restroom Walls

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
- Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
====================================
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual
like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful
lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then
he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a
limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a
dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let
me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.
======================================
Time To Retire From The Superhero Business


9. Your motion to install wheelchair ramps in the secret headquarters
keeps getting shot down.
8. You just installed a warning alarm in the Batmobile to alert you when
you've been driving for more than a mile with the turn signal on.
7. No matter how much you adjust it, your Spandex costume won't hide the
fact that you're wearing Depends.
6. You can only manage one "up and away" and even that requires a few
Viagra.
5. Your current source of angst is the way your sidekick's grandchildren
are wrecking your lawn with their scooters.
4. In a 10-1 vote, the rest of the JLA has asked that you replace your
bustierre and short shorts with something a little less revealing.
3. Rasping "I'm your worst nightmare, punk!" is WAY scarier when your
bridge stays in place.
2. Your shrinking powers no longer have any effect on your prostate.
1. Your new arch-enemy? Irregularity.
===========================================

When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry,
that is, except for Sophie's.

The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on rainy
days. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it
rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at
Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to
be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging
over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the
wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "On a day like that, you just don't do the
laundry!"
=============================

[bonyhadi]

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old. One day, I was
in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read
the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not
wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were
for "special occasions".

Now fast forward a few months... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately
burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost
died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with
a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully
arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't
hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they
were for special occasions!!
==============================
USELESS BUT COOL FACTS (may or not be true)

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% . Now get this...
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~?
=

[bonyhadi]

More cool facts, may be true or not, you decide....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
================================================
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,
and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,

"He Snores while I Masturbate."
================================================== =====

[CobraDan]

A professor at the University of North Carolina was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, "Sh!t! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"

[ac andy]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother!

[Hotfingrs]

MOODS OF A WOMAN


An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in a house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and LOVE you like mad.




MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleep

[CobraDan]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the livingroom. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the track'. The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

[CobraDan]

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study " the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[bonyhadi]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this,
she came over and shouted at the man,
"You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
==============================
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",
she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard.
================================================== ====

There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a
good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed,
screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny,
he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,

and I'm already screwing someone!"
================================================== =========

About a third of Americans flush

while they are still sitting on the toilet.
DUH!
================================================== ====

[bonyhadi]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
==============================================
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to
them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
============================================
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."
===============================
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience!
===========================================
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay"
=====================================
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about
whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she
heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
=======================================
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs
the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him hard.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital
and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
==========================================
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements
of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted
video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two
of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an
outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen sex activities with
utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much
fun!"
======================================
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left
over by those who got there first.
===========================================
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be
cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather
Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study " the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like ****ing crazy!"
================================================== =====
Blonde Moments!

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.
Try playing a game of fetch the ball.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
=========================================
What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
====================================
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.
=================================
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his
slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed
limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my
boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope
for him."
===========================================
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see

yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled

them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here?"
================================================

[CobraDan]

It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host a buddy about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies.
It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."

[bonyhadi]

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the
firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we
all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and
ready to go!"
"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the
same way. When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife
is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from
work
and yelled,
"Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....
The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"
"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
=====================================
Too Many Confessions Of Adultry

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This
seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor
of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the
confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code
word.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife has fallen three times this week."
==================================

The World's Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

================================================

A man came home from a poker game late one night and
found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with
a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said.
"I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically.

"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold

with a royal flush."
===============================================







================================================
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
=================================
Why did the Blonde put ice in her boyfriend's condom?
To keep the swelling down.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
======================

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

How many Irish people does it take to change a light bulb?
Five one to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room spins!
=========================================
John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."
===========================================
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first
saleswoman she sees and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your
husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here
licketysplit."
"No no no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grab-a the
breasts...but he no lickety split!"
========================================
Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
===========================================
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
==========================


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
=========================================
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.

"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
========================================
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me
subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same
reason."
Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, " Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never
get to visit."
===========================
It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host a buddy about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my
special Zombies.
It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

Social Security Sex

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough
to live on!"





=========================================
Analysis of the creature known as woman as seen through the
eyes of the Chemist.
x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x

Symbol : Wo

Accepted Atomic Weight : 120

Physical Properties:
Boils at nothing and freezes at any moment.
Melts when properly treated.
Very bitter if not well used.

Occurrence:
Found wherever man exists.

Chemical Properties:
Possesses great affinity for Gold,Silver, Platinum and Precious Stones.
Violent Reaction when left alone.
Turns Green when placed before a better looking Specimen.

Uses:
Highly Ornamental.
Useful as a Tonic in acceleration of low spirit and equalizer
distribution of wealth.
Probably most effective income-reducing Agent.

Caution:
Highly explosive when in inexperienced hands.
Originality cannot be claimed.
===================================

Most Bizarre Methods of Contraception

Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain
species of spider and attached them -- wrapped in deer skin, mind you -- to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not
conceive.

It was believed in ancient times that if a woman spat three times into a frog's mouth she would not conceive for a year.

Supposedly, a pebble clasped in the hand during coitus would also stop conception. (a huge sharp rock to hit him over the
head with so he withdraws early would work better)

St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees
as an effective contraception procedure. (that's not news - a of women need a little buzz to loosen them up)

Aetios of Amida (fl. 527-565) suggested that a man should
wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and
that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across
her navel to avoid contraception.
(NO fellatio tonight, Sweetie)
======================================

[bonyhadi]

Views expressed by the husband
are not necessarily
those of the management
==============
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical
problem.

After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the
physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one
charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could
adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just
give me fifty bucks and get out."

"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did
you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if
you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to
my health, nothing is too expensive."
====================
Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling
down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.
Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's
asked the elderly lady -- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you
feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a
terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how
I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!!
My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating
too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible
headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with
compassion. "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you
come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just
waiting until I felt a little better."
==================
A rabbi was called to a local Jewish nursing home to
perform a wedding.

An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat
down to counsel the old man and asked several
questions. "Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" he asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.
===========================
Jewish Mothers

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you
have any idea how hard it is to get that junk off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and
show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball
cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the
Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish
mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do
something about your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last forty years."

= = = = = =

Scene at Fleegleman's deli:

Customer: I am sorry, waiter, but I only have enough
money for the bill. I don't have anything left for a tip.

Waiter: That's all right, mister. Let me just add up
that bill again.

[bonyhadi]

= = = = = =

A visiting cantor was invited to sing traditional

Jewish songs at a Brooklyn synagogue.

After the services he was bragging that Lloyd's of
London had insured against the loss of his voice for
$750,000 to members of the congregation.

Mrs. Siegel, an older lady, said..."So cantor, what
did you do with the money?"

= = = = = =

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf
Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a
mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is
the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's
downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do
at night?"

= = = = = =

Harvey and Gaby Gold spent twenty years trying to
suppress their Jewish upbringing and fit in to their
WASPish suburban Connecticut home. But something was
always difficult to overcome ... the grandmother
living in a quiet corner of the house.

One morning at breakfast, Harvey turns to his wife and
says, "Gaby, listen to me. I don't want to sound
cruel, but your mother has been living with us
for twenty years now. Don't you think it's about time
she got a place of her own?"

Gaby, eating her breakfast, dropped her utensils in
shock. "My mother? I thought she was your mother!"

[CobraDan]

Subject: Using cows to explain politics


DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the
milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one; lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce
the milk of four

cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your
stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of
their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per
year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again
and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up
and takes over how ever many cows you really have.


POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.


NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from
Arkansas.

[bonyhadi]

How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't xxck with it.
=============================
A woman went to a doctor claiming she had three vaginas!! The doctor
examined her and sure enough, she DID have three vaginas. He`d never
seen such a thing in all his years of medical practice. He told her
"I`ll stitch up two of them, but leave the middle one alone."
"Will that make me normal again?" she asked. "Of course." he said,
"This way, you won`t be screwed left, right and center!"
===========================================
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting
to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than
$20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
===========================================
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you
slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
=====================================
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay guy goes to his doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them
the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the
bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to
line up the target.
All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
=========================================
4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Moral of this story???
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.
===========================================
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want
you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to
the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope,
"Now you have everything."
========================================
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
==============================
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange
juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
===================================
A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a
roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy
broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to
offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus.
Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take
its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score
is, and she's even a natural blonde.

The roommate arranged the date as promised. The freshman was delighted
by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and
dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in

a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure
would love to have a little *****." "I would too," sighed the blonde,
"Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail."
=========================================
Did you hear about the blonde that hooked up her VCR to the microwave?
She watched The Godfather in three minutes!
====================
What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
==========================
What do you call a dead blonde??
Last years winner at the hide and seek contest!!
=====================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!

[CobraDan]

A gentleman had a serious problem.He had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it
to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small
steps,and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied.You
may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything,
so he agreed to her terms.The relief was pure joy,and as he sat there, savoring the feeling,he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters:WW,WA,and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button.

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water,wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation,he pressed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom,adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember,I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse,as her smirk expanded to a grin.
"That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."