Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this,
she came over and shouted at the man,
"You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
==============================
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",
she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard.
================================================== ====

There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a
good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed,
screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny,
he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,

and I'm already screwing someone!"
================================================== =========

About a third of Americans flush

while they are still sitting on the toilet.
DUH!
================================================== ====

[bonyhadi]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
==============================================
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to
them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
============================================
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."
===============================
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience!
===========================================
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay"
=====================================
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about
whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she
heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
=======================================
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs
the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him hard.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital
and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
==========================================
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements
of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted
video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two
of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an
outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen sex activities with
utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much
fun!"
======================================
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left
over by those who got there first.
===========================================
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be
cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather
Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study " the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like ****ing crazy!"
================================================== =====
Blonde Moments!

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.
Try playing a game of fetch the ball.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
=========================================
What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
====================================
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.
=================================
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his
slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed
limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my
boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope
for him."
===========================================
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see

yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled

them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here?"
================================================

[CobraDan]

It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host a buddy about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies.
It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."

[bonyhadi]

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the
firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we
all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and
ready to go!"
"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the
same way. When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife
is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from
work
and yelled,
"Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....
The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"
"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
=====================================
Too Many Confessions Of Adultry

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This
seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor
of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the
confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code
word.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife has fallen three times this week."
==================================

The World's Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

================================================

A man came home from a poker game late one night and
found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with
a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said.
"I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically.

"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold

with a royal flush."
===============================================







================================================
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
=================================
Why did the Blonde put ice in her boyfriend's condom?
To keep the swelling down.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
======================

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

How many Irish people does it take to change a light bulb?
Five one to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room spins!
=========================================
John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."
===========================================
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first
saleswoman she sees and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your
husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots
of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here
licketysplit."
"No no no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grab-a the
breasts...but he no lickety split!"
========================================
Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
===========================================
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
==========================


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
=========================================
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.

"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
========================================
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me
subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same
reason."
Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, " Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never
get to visit."
===========================
It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host a buddy about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my
special Zombies.
It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

Social Security Sex

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough
to live on!"





=========================================
Analysis of the creature known as woman as seen through the
eyes of the Chemist.
x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x

Symbol : Wo

Accepted Atomic Weight : 120

Physical Properties:
Boils at nothing and freezes at any moment.
Melts when properly treated.
Very bitter if not well used.

Occurrence:
Found wherever man exists.

Chemical Properties:
Possesses great affinity for Gold,Silver, Platinum and Precious Stones.
Violent Reaction when left alone.
Turns Green when placed before a better looking Specimen.

Uses:
Highly Ornamental.
Useful as a Tonic in acceleration of low spirit and equalizer
distribution of wealth.
Probably most effective income-reducing Agent.

Caution:
Highly explosive when in inexperienced hands.
Originality cannot be claimed.
===================================

Most Bizarre Methods of Contraception

Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain
species of spider and attached them -- wrapped in deer skin, mind you -- to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not
conceive.

It was believed in ancient times that if a woman spat three times into a frog's mouth she would not conceive for a year.

Supposedly, a pebble clasped in the hand during coitus would also stop conception. (a huge sharp rock to hit him over the
head with so he withdraws early would work better)

St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees
as an effective contraception procedure. (that's not news - a of women need a little buzz to loosen them up)

Aetios of Amida (fl. 527-565) suggested that a man should
wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and
that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across
her navel to avoid contraception.
(NO fellatio tonight, Sweetie)
======================================

[bonyhadi]

Views expressed by the husband
are not necessarily
those of the management
==============
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical
problem.

After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the
physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one
charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could
adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just
give me fifty bucks and get out."

"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did
you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if
you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to
my health, nothing is too expensive."
====================
Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling
down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.
Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's
asked the elderly lady -- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you
feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a
terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how
I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!!
My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating
too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible
headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with
compassion. "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you
come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just
waiting until I felt a little better."
==================
A rabbi was called to a local Jewish nursing home to
perform a wedding.

An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat
down to counsel the old man and asked several
questions. "Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" he asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.
===========================
Jewish Mothers

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you
have any idea how hard it is to get that junk off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and
show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball
cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the
Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish
mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do
something about your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last forty years."

= = = = = =

Scene at Fleegleman's deli:

Customer: I am sorry, waiter, but I only have enough
money for the bill. I don't have anything left for a tip.

Waiter: That's all right, mister. Let me just add up
that bill again.

[bonyhadi]

= = = = = =

A visiting cantor was invited to sing traditional

Jewish songs at a Brooklyn synagogue.

After the services he was bragging that Lloyd's of
London had insured against the loss of his voice for
$750,000 to members of the congregation.

Mrs. Siegel, an older lady, said..."So cantor, what
did you do with the money?"

= = = = = =

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf
Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a
mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is
the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's
downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do
at night?"

= = = = = =

Harvey and Gaby Gold spent twenty years trying to
suppress their Jewish upbringing and fit in to their
WASPish suburban Connecticut home. But something was
always difficult to overcome ... the grandmother
living in a quiet corner of the house.

One morning at breakfast, Harvey turns to his wife and
says, "Gaby, listen to me. I don't want to sound
cruel, but your mother has been living with us
for twenty years now. Don't you think it's about time
she got a place of her own?"

Gaby, eating her breakfast, dropped her utensils in
shock. "My mother? I thought she was your mother!"

[CobraDan]

Subject: Using cows to explain politics


DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the
milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one; lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce
the milk of four

cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your
stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of
their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per
year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again
and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up
and takes over how ever many cows you really have.


POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.


NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from
Arkansas.

[bonyhadi]

How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't xxck with it.
=============================
A woman went to a doctor claiming she had three vaginas!! The doctor
examined her and sure enough, she DID have three vaginas. He`d never
seen such a thing in all his years of medical practice. He told her
"I`ll stitch up two of them, but leave the middle one alone."
"Will that make me normal again?" she asked. "Of course." he said,
"This way, you won`t be screwed left, right and center!"
===========================================
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting
to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than
$20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
===========================================
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you
slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
=====================================
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay guy goes to his doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them
the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the
bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to
line up the target.
All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
=========================================
4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Moral of this story???
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.
===========================================
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want
you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to
the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope,
"Now you have everything."
========================================
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
==============================
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange
juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
===================================
A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a
roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy
broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to
offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus.
Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take
its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score
is, and she's even a natural blonde.

The roommate arranged the date as promised. The freshman was delighted
by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and
dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in

a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure
would love to have a little *****." "I would too," sighed the blonde,
"Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail."
=========================================
Did you hear about the blonde that hooked up her VCR to the microwave?
She watched The Godfather in three minutes!
====================
What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
==========================
What do you call a dead blonde??
Last years winner at the hide and seek contest!!
=====================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!

[CobraDan]

A gentleman had a serious problem.He had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it
to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small
steps,and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied.You
may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything,
so he agreed to her terms.The relief was pure joy,and as he sat there, savoring the feeling,he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters:WW,WA,and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button.

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water,wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation,he pressed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom,adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember,I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse,as her smirk expanded to a grin.
"That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

[bonyhadi]

Want to truly understand your man? Just simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with "What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point
for each correct answer!
"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."

"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex
==============
A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He pulls down his pants and displays a rather long and large penis.
"So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.
"I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss,a touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I get this tent in my pants."
The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really out of the question, they could have some long term side effects. Have you tried
strapping it to your leg?"
The young man agrees to try it.
A couple of days pass and the doctor runs into his patient on the street."So, how did things work out?"
"Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took this girl out on a first date, we had a great time,and with it strapped to my leg my
erection wasn't so obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss on the front steps, giving me a peek down her
blouse, and that's when it happened."
"What?"
"That's when I kicked her right in the face!"
================================
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response
by the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk about?"
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For Christ's sake, why would I call a
doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor."
"Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday."
"Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"
==========================
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status
figures in Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very
grudgingly, he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down
and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden, he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They
were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out
there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My
wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of
his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the
stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a
very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this
time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the
snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
========================

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after
the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the
revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in
there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense,"
said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and
he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
==========================

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after
the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the
revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in
there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense,"
said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and
he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[bonyhadi]

Social Evolution?

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well
fed. Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

DEMOCRATIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the
ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries then they sing "It's Not Easy Being
Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We
shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to G-d for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried,
before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the
case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of
spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

VOTE REPUBLICAN!

[bonyhadi]

DOSAGE: It is recommended that you read only one of these per day.
Trying to absorb all at once may cause confusion or nausea.....

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
=================
A woman who was wearing a tight mini skirt and waiting for a bus.
When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her to lift her leg up high
enough to step onto the bus.

With a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only
to discover she still couldn't...

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
the step,and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step...

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured
we was friends."
===================
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.
=====================
I have a friend who got those new saline breast implants.
She lay in the sun so long they evaporated. All she has now
is two double-D salt shakers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me.
Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

."

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The big three auto makers in Detroit were considering putting the high-beam dimmer switch back down on the floor, so they decided to take a
poll. Among those polled were 1000 blondes.
The most frequent response was: "Well how the hell am I sup- posed to reach for it way down there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or
both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried.
"There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Linda... take the spoon out of the cup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion:
"Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your husband."
=======================
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same
time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay
on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of
the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker.
================
Q. Why do farts stink?
A. So deaf people can enjoy them too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy
my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
==================

My friend Richard comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing
another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
=============================

If Men Ruled The World




1- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in every leap year.

4- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6- Garbage would take itself out.

7- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per view event
in world history.

8- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11- Two words... "Ally McNaked".

12- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

16- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

20- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

22- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car.

25- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
=====================================
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

[bonyhadi]

he nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into an ice-cream shop with his wife and his son. He says, "I'll have a chocolate cone."

The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla cone."

Then he slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady behind the counter says, "Why'd did you smack him and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. You see that nice big truck sitting out there?
That's mine.

The second thing a man wants in life is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's mine.

The third thing a man wants in life is a nice tight *****. And I had that, until fat head came along."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"

Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."

Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a cock."

Teacher asks the class, "Why is a cock on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny.
"OK, Johnny, Why?"

"Because, teacher, if it had a **** on it, the wind would whistle right through it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who are the most famous black women in history?
Aunt Jemima and Mother xxxxer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keli: Mary, what exactly is an "oxymoron"?

Anni: It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like "deafening silence."

Keli: Oh, I get it. Like "Mr. Perfect"!
===============================
Top 25 Country Songs

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Sold A Car To the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him, Cause,you can't quail hunt
without a good dog!
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number one Country and Western song is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,
But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
===========================

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her
left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not
all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he
hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

=================================================
Jake was on his deathbed.

His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his
fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
==================================
Abstinence makes the Church grow Fondlers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world,"
complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she
thinks I've already had it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

"What's this for?" she asked her husband.


"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket,"the bed starts vibrating."

"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call two pigs fighting?

Ham to Ham Combat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it ?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If it weren't for women Men's dicks would rust
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A politician was making a speech in the heart of the slum area. "When I'm elected," he thundered, "you won't see that long, dreary breadline.
When I'm elected, there'll be two breadlines-one for white and one for rye!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
======================================

[bonyhadi]

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT POOP
( I found this to be very informative, and silly at the same time. Read it all! You'll be a more educated
person for it! ~Jen )
What is poop made of? About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly
variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been
retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through
the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining
portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal
garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is
made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called
"fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides
traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like
phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Why does poop stink? Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce
smelly, sulfur-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas
hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Why is poop brown? The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown
of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its
byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine,
where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in
red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubi gives rise to its brown color.

What other colors of poop are possible? Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors
can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry
black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or
split, for example, can stain the poop red. Some illnesses in babies give them green or even blue-green
poop. But another source of blue poop in children is more innocent: it can come from eating a
concentrated source of blue food coloring such as ice cream. Intense red food coloring can produce
bright red poop. Sometimes brightly colored foods pass through the gut almost unchanged, and the turd
may be speckled with bright red fragments such as pimentos, or bright yellow kernels of corn. One can
experience white poop after consuming a barium milkshake for the purposes of getting an x-ray of the
upper gastrointestinal tract.
Why do dogs eat poop? Many animals eat poop on a regular basis. These include rabbits, rodents,
gorillas, many insects such as dung beetles and flies, and yes, dogs. (Keep that in mind the next time a
dog wants to lick you!) Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents eat their own poop because their diet of
plants is hard to digest efficiently, and they have to make two passes at it to get everything out of the
meal. This is equivalent to a cow chewing its cud; only cows are able to re-eat their food without having
to poop it out first. Another reason why animals eat poop is that poop contains vitamins produced by their
intestinal bacteria. The animal is unable to absorb the vitamins through the intestinal wall, but can get at
them by eating the poop. Another reason that animals such as dogs eat poop is that poop contains a
certain amount of protein. Dogs are particularly fond of cat poop because cat poop is high in protein. I
had a friend with a dog and a cat, and he never had to clean the kitty litter. The dog took care of it.
Are there people who eat poop? Yes, we all have, at one point or another. One of the main ways that
diseases and parasites spread is through the consumption of food and water contaminated with feces.
This happens because people don't wash their hands carefully after pooping or changing a diaper or
scratching their butt. It can also happen through careless disposal of diapers. Our microbiologist here on
Guam says that one dirty diaper in Tumon Bay can send the bacteria count through the ceiling. But of
course, what you want to know is, are there people who eat poop on purpose? Again, the answer is yes.
Some autistic children practice coprophagy, the ingestion of feces. Coprophagy is also listed as an
unusual sexual practice in the encyclopedia of that name. I have known only one person who ate poop
on purpose, and she only did it once, when she was about four years old. She says she was curious
about what it tasted like. When asked what poop does taste like, she replies, "About like you'd expect."
By the way, for all of you who are wondering, the author of this page does NOT eat poop.
Can you get sick from eating poop? Yes, you can definitely get sick from eating poop, even in minute
quantities! Although urine emerges sterile from the body (unless the person has an infection), poop
emerges loaded with bacteria and sometimes other life forms. Many diseases, including food poisoning,
cholera and typhus, are spread by fecal contamination. Many parasites, such as the notorious tapeworm,
can be spread through deliberate or accidental ingestion of poop. There are some parasites, such as
pinworms, which depend on people eating their own poop to keep the population up. Pinworms are small
nematodes that live in the colon. The females emerge from the anus at night to lay their eggs. Their
activity makes the anal area itch. The person scratches the itch (often doing so in his sleep), procuring a
small amount of fecal matter and eggs under his fingernails, and then puts his fingers in his mouth. Once
the eggs are consumed, the person is infected with a new generation of pinworms. I have read that
almost everyone has pinworms. Luckily, pinworms don't do much harm. You only notice them if you have
a lot of pinworms! If you want to find out if you do indeed have them, get someone to gently touch around
your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be
able to see them.
Do most people wipe their leftover poop standing up, or while sitting on the pot? Are there
gender differences? This isn't really scientific, but I did a quick survey, and everyone asked (including
both males and females) said that they wipe sitting down. There was even a reason provided: that sitting
down spreads the cheeks apart and makes access easier. This survey was done on Guam, and Guam is
technically part of the United States, and most people here probably use American toilet habits. However,
if you travel a bit, you will discover that people deal with leftover poop in different ways in other parts of
the world. In Europe, for example, that water fountain in the bathroom isn't for drinking. It's a bidet for
hosing off after using the toilet. In Southeast Asia, you don't sit on the toilet at all. The toilet is a low,
porcelain-lined trench, and the user squats over it. Next to the toilet is a bin of water. You scoop water
out of the bin with your left hand and use that to cleanse yourself. You aren't supposed to use your left
hand for any other purpose. How come when you eat corn, no matter how much you chew it, you
poop it out in whole kernels? Corn poop is one of the greatest mysteries in life. I grew up pondering
the same question. This is what I think is happening: When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the
inner kernel. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through
the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernel, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The
inside of the kernel is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up.
How does poop stay together, like in links? In humans, soft poop is really one long, mostly
continuous sausage before it comes out. It gets its "link" look because we tend to pinch off lengths of it
with the anal sphincter as the poop emerges. If a person pinches hard enough, the poop separates into
several turd units. If the person doesn't pinch that hard, the turds may stay connected. If you can remain
sufficiently relaxed, you can produce an awesomely long poop that will coil up inside the toilet.
Why does some poop float? Floaters are turds that have an unusually high gas content. Sometimes
the gases produced by bacteria in our gut don't have a chance to collect into a large fart bubble, but
remain dispersed in the feces. The poop then comes out foamy, and has a lower density than water.
What causes the burning sensation sometimes associated with poop? This is generally caused by a recent
meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal
system. These oils can also generate hot farts.
Why does some poop hurt when it comes out? Turds can get very large and dry if a person is
constipated, causing painful stretching of the anal opening. Pooping can also hurt if the person has
hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are engorged veins in the anal area. A doctor once described them to me as
"varicose veins of the anus," which suggests that the valves in the veins that are supposed to keep the
blood flowing in the right direction have gotten messed up. Pooping can also be painful if the person
suffers from an anal fissure, a tear in the tissue of the rectum.

[CobraDan]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!"
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $20,000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ............. $1
Knowing where to put it..... $19,999

[CobraDan]

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her
new husband was so elderly, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she
and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She was concerned that her new
but aged husband may overexert himself if they spent the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the "knock" came. The door opened

and there was Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They united

as one and consummated the marriage.

All went well. Morris took leave of his bride and she prepared to go to
sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne heard another knock on her bedroom door.
It was Morris again. He was ready for more "action."



Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consented to more coupling. When the

newlyweds were done, Morris kissed his bride, bid her a fond goodnight

and left.

Again she was set to go to sleep, but aha.... you guessed it. Morris was back,
rapping on the door, fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more "action."
Once more they enjoyed each others favors.



As Morris was leaving, his young bride said to him. "I am thoroughly impressed

that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys a third

of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."



Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turned to Lou Anne and said, "You mean I was here
already?"

[CobraDan]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: NASA &the Indian

>When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut
>>training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo
elder
>>and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old
man,
>>who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What
are
>>these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were
>>practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and
>>asked
>>if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
>>
>>Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA
folks
>>found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked
>>the
>>son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the
>>reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused
to
>>translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called
in
>>an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message
said:
>>"Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."