Joke of the Day...

[Rebel1]

A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something
[1] the bartender is blonde.
[2] the bouncer is blonde.
[3] I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate.
[4] the woman sitting next to me is blonde, she is a weightlifter,
and
[5] the lady to your right is a blonde and a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah,... not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times..."

[CobraDan]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,..."My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[speed220mph]

No words required for this joke: http://neptune.spacebears.com/gallery/ugly.html

[CobraDan]

A group of old folks sat talking.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: FW: Guns V Doctors




Think About This:
A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human
Services)

Then think about this:
A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld
the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to
seek medical attention.

[Hotfingrs]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis
has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the
garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a
companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for
Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created
this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a
companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came
to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too
well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them
a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know
that they are not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and
Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve
gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.

[CobraDan]

An Irishman, new to the U.S.A. finally attended his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming. "Run, Run" ..
The next batter gets up and hits a single, and the Irishman listened as the crowd again yelled, "Run, Run!"
He was beginning to enjoy the game and decided to join in the yelling.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called a walk and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Run, ye bastard, run".
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, me lad!"

[CobraDan]

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

[bonyhadi]

How to Find Jesus



Finding Jesus can be critically important in an emergency. The key is knowing
where to look.

1: Don't panic Many people, after realizing they have lost Jesus, become panicky.
This can be very dangerous. Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and think:
where was the last place you had Jesus? Go there.

2: Look around Be thorough. Did you look behind the couch? He might be there.
Don't just glance around the room, either. Lift things up. He might be in the
clothing hamper, for instance. Check there. He's probably right where you left
Him.

3: Ask around If you still cannot find Jesus, talk to others. Do not ask them "have
you found Jesus?" For one thing, they may have never misplaced him in the first
place, so your question might be construed as awkward. Also, you might not want
to admit you've lost Him, as this is a reasonably irresponsible thing to do.
Instead, ask if they've seen Him recently, and if so, where. Here is a list of
people who might know where Jesus is:

--Professional athletes. They are finding Jesus on a daily basis, because
He is a big sports fan.

--Clergymen. Priests, monks, pastors, rectors, elders, and chaplains are
all good people to talk to about this. You may find that many of them
haven't seen Jesus in a long time, but they are usually pretty good at
finding Him in a pinch.

--The Pope. The upside is that not only does he know where to find
Jesus, he probably had lunch with Him yesterday. The downside is that
the Pope's schedule is usually very full.

4: Bounty hunters If you are still unable to find Jesus, you may want to consider
this option, although it is somewhat extreme and not likely to work. Bounty
hunters are people who will find Jesus for you, but you have to pay them. They
usually dress in white clothing for some reason, many are from the South, and all
of them spend a lot of time on television announcing their desire to help you find
Jesus, provided you send them cash. Dealing with a bounty hunter is a lot like
speaking to a used car salesman. If you ask "how much will it cost to find Jesus?"
they may quote a price, but that is not the final price, and next week they are
charging you double. If you are not careful, before long you will have sent them
all of your money, and they still have not found Jesus for you. Then they will claim
that this is your fault. The truth is, they either don't know where to find Jesus,
or they mistook someone else for Him.



Things to know

-Once you have found Jesus, keep an eye on him. He may wander off again.

-In the event that you never find Jesus, consider the possibility that He does not
want you to find Him.

[bonyhadi]

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a
plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," he thought. "I've always been a big fan
of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Upon boarding the man realized his seat was right
next to the Pope himself.
This thrilled him but since he was so shy he couldn't
bring himself to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after takeoff, the Pope took a crossword puzzle
out off his bag and began working on it.
This is fantastic, the guy though, I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring
to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that
fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope.
He thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope he said,
"I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course, of course," said the Pope.
"Do you have an eraser?"
=======================

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept
up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father,
we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are
very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a
spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even
before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin
Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should
approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have
always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I
could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied
every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you
are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have
always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please
tell me?"

"Well", says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."
==========================================
I was traveling near Phoenix the other day south of Gila bend when a
tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it was also flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the
next town. the first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.

He yelled out the window, "need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," i replied.

"You a democrat or republican," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to h-e-l-l," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and
asked if I was a democrat or republican. "Democrat!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt
that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for
five minutes and, already, I'm ready to screw somebody!"
==================================

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the
table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily
clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes, and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar. "Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like
to get her spread out on my sheets."
"No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut."

Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch
diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot park

a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
================================================== =======

A lady was trying to impress those at a party. "My family's ancestry is very old," she said. "It dates back to the days of King John of England."
Then turning to the lady sitting quietly in a corner she asked condescendingly, "How old is your family, my dear?"

"Well," said the woman with a quiet smile, "I can't really say. All our family records were lost in the flood."
================================================== ===

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man. When she returned to her daughters house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!!!"
================================================== ========

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along
slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops!"
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first
stone."
>From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop
it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in my ass and get there faster."

The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear." You are free to take off!
================

[bonyhadi]

================================================== =========
Things you CAN say at Thanksgiving....

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
==============================

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES:
Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had
promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer
for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell,
Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and
anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and
report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which
has been commissioned
to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor
through Palm Beach,Broward,
and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...
at least four years and you should consider
the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain,

Al Gore as cruise director,

Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,

Ted Kennedy as lifeguard
and emergency procedures director,

and
Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends
and loved ones, please direct your comments to
Senator Hillary Clinton.

Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch
over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

[CobraDan]

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary."

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: FW: Guns V Doctors




Think About This:
A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human
Services)

Then think about this:
A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld
the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to
seek medical attention.

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >ENGLISH WELL SPEECHED HERE
> >The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
> >LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
> >Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
> >IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R., YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
> >
> >An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
> >WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
> >In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
> >A ROOM WITH A VIEW ON THE SEA OR THE BACKSIDE OF THE COUNTRY
> >A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
> >COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT
> >A hotel notice in Madrid informs:
> >IF YOU WISH DISINFECTION ENACTED IN YOUR PRESENCE, PLEASE CRY OUT FOR THE
> >CHAMBERMAID
> >
> >This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
> >THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAYS. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
> >YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
> >
> >The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
> >IF YOU WISH FOR BREAKFAST, LIFT THE TELEPHONE AND ASK FOR ROOMSERVICE. THIS
> >WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR FOOD UP
> >
> >This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor:
> >FOR SALE BOAT SINGLE OWNER GREEN IN COLOUR
> >
> >A sign at Budapest's zoo requests:
> >PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD GIVE IT TO
> >THE GUARD ON DUTY.
> >
> >A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
> >AS FOR THE TROUT SERVED YOU AT THE HOTEL MONOPOL, YOU WILL BE SINGING ITS
> >PRAISE TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AS YOU LIE ON YOUR DEATHBED.
> >
> >A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions:
> >ORDER NOW YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN
> >STRICT ROTATION
> >A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims:
> >AMERICAN DENTIST, 2TH FLOOR. TEETH EXTRACTED BY LATEST METHODISTS.
> >
> >The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job:
> >CONTACT THE CONCIERGE IMMEDIATELY FOR INFORMATIONS. PLEASE DON'T WAIT LAST
> >MINUTES THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO ARRANGE ANY INCONVENIENCES.
> >
> >Some German hospitals now display the sign:
> >NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN THE MATERNITY WARDS.
> >
> >The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athen's hotel reads"
> >IF YOU CONSIDER OUR HELP IMPOLITE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER
> >A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns:
> >IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH
> >IS
> >PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
> >
> >Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to:
> >TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
> >A Rome laundry suggests:
> >LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
> >
> >A London eaterie advertised for help this way:
> >WANTED : MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES
> >
> >A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
> >IN CASE OF FIRE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER.
> >
> >

[bonyhadi]

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and
civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you're a United
Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock. If you're an Air Force flight, it's
1500.
If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells. If you're an Army flight, the
big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon.
and if you are Airforce One...tell President Bush...
....to call Dick Cheney for the right time.
==================================
Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce

unless you can prove adultery.
That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state
says you have to.
==============================
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and
ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life.

He talked about his wife and 13 children. "My, my," said the nun,
"13 children....you're a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is
very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex maniac, aren't you?"
==================================================
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear
how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking
tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your
birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were
perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
=============================================
It is tough being a man...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you''re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
=========================================

[bonyhadi]

"Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery..."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie..

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?!
===============================
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
=======================================
It is tough being a man...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you''re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
=========================================
"Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery..."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie..

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?!
=================================
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't
appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am
sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman
laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the
price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "those turkey rolls
are only a few dollars." The girl continued, "No, mother it wasn't the
price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." The mother
asked, "Airplane ticket? What in the world did you need an airplane
ticket for?"
"Well mom," she said, "when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I
flew to Alaska."
=====================
Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested.
================================================== ====================
Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused *****!
================================================== ====================
Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him
and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,
throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do
you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my
favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me,
'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"
========================

[bonyhadi]

What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a
circumcision done?
"It won't be long now!"

Why do women wear red lipstick?
WARNING! Wrong hole!
========================
TRIVIA:

1. There was a report of a ten-year study written in a British
medical journal that showed that men, ages 45-59, who had sex less
than once a month had twice the death rate of those who had sex twice
weekly. Guess that's a good excuse for plenty of sex!

2. Statistics estimate that each day, over one million condoms are
purchased in the United States. Nearly half of them are being
purchased by women.

3. While twenty-five percent of males planned their first sexual
encounter, only seventeen percent of women do.
============================
"You know what life really is?
You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you
suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's
tits.
That's what life is. Life sucks."
==============================================
Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy.

What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!!!
=======================================
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he
has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I
swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"
===========================
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song. Mostly song.
Never argue with a woman when she is tired....... or rested.
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
not important.
Anal sex can have positive results.
Go up and you will find heaven. Go down and you'll get applause.
Take two at bedtime. If you only have one, take one.
Original Sin is hard to find, but the digitally enhanced version is
readily available.
Looking for ' true love' is like buying a book on how to read.
Don't discuss your hemorrhoids on your first date
=========================================
Benefits of sex!

Q: Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes
hair shine & skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva
to wash food from the teeth & lowers the level of the acid that causes
decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.


This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine
times. Now sex has been sent to you.
The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this
message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will
never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will
eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
================================================== =
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were
settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one
night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I
have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I
wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and
called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist'
tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with
that thing, I'm going home to mother."
=========================================
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed
cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't
come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the
jar!"
=======================================
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he
asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "we take off all
our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing
"Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a
bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it
said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
============================
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
===========================================
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips
before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the
properway to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they
roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20
feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied,
"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in
dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our
balls out!"
===============================================
A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down,
ordering, and some chit chat the priest said,
"Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the
truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest
was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi
leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear.
The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said,
"Thanks. What did you tell him?" The rabbi replied,
"I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
=============================================
Truism of the day:

There are two kinds of sex - the kind you pay for and the kind you
get for free. The kind you pay for will always be cheaper than the
kind you get for free.
=========================

[bonyhadi]

Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
========================

Six stages of married life:

1 ~ Tri-weekly

2 ~ Try weekly

3 ~ Try weakly

4 ~ Try oysters

5 ~ Try anything

6 ~ Try to remember
====================
A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.
"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her,

"Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"
====================================
**** ~ The Word
http://www.****.addr.com/news/word/larry.html
=========================
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================================================

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
.
.
.
.
.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes ...

===================================

Woman faces felony for having 17 dildos
Longview News-Journal | Submitted by: alahzad
Police in White Oak, Texas pulled over Kathy Grubbs for her erratic driving.
After she failed the breathalyzer (0.22%), the officers placed her under arrest
and began searching the pickup. Which is where they found the 17
"obscene materials and obscene devices" that were taken into evidence.
According to the chief of police, the confiscated items were primarily lotions and dildos.
Unfortunately for Grubbs, she now faces a felony charge (and two years in jail)
just for possessing the dildos. Why? Because it's illegal in Texas to
peddle sex toys, and if you have six or more you're assumed to be a pusher.
===========================















Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
========================

[Hotfingrs]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each

other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns
to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our
beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion
I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The
priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the
priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much
a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever
fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I
was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent
for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the
hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?