Joke of the Day...

[NeedAntiVenom]

Not Going To Try This Again

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Blonde Horse Ranch

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

[CobraDan]

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[CobraDan]

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes

[CobraDan]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a
drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,mending fences, and branding cattle," he said, "so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think
about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. Then a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was," he said, " but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[CobraDan]

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on
your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I
don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

[petek]

For all you engineers who are having difficulty converting....

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen..

20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision

[CobraDan]

Sometimes we just need to remember what the
13 Rules of Life really are:

Use them freely in 2003!!!


1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are,
"I apologize" and
"you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles;
Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship
just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
Money is nice, but you can't take it, or anything else, with you.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved;
Some die even before they retire.
Anything we have isn't really ours;
we just borrow it while we're here ... even our kids.

12. Be really good to your family and/or friends.
You never know when you are going to need them
to empty your bedpan.

13. If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it,
you may as well laugh about it now.


Enjoy life!

It's too short not to indulge in what life has to offer

[CobraDan]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:

A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me.....They're cramming for their final exam.

26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[CobraDan]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord
grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above
his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime
I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very
materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and
how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"

[CobraDan]

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ..and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[CobraDan]

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did really poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester."

[CobraDan]

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATIONS LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

[Excaliber]

Hey,,,,Nikkes has a new shoe for Lesbians,,,,it's called "Dikkes". They were re-called shortly after introduction,,,,,,the tongue was to short.

Ernie

[CobraDan]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: and came up with the following.
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good -- maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

[CobraDan]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.

[CobraDan]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding
gifts."

[GASKETBOY]

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington,
D.C.
Travel Agent of 30+ years:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is
in Africa." Her response ... (click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did.I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could
rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had
only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a
car,he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive
between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into
Chicago at
8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight, I
think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while
I
"looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the
city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just
putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes
have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have
to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant
fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times
and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough,
his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from
Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,
the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you
have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back
with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of
the
state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

[CobraDan]

21. How I Served My Country by Jane Fonda
20. My Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
19. How to Build Your Own Airplane by John Denver
18. My Super Bowl Highlights by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
16. My Little Book of Personal Hygiene by Osama Bin Laden
15. Things I Cannot Afford by Bill Gates
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
13. My Wild Years by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit - a Travel Guide
9. A Collection of Motivational Speeches by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All the Men I've Loved Before by Ellen de Generes
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book...
1. My Book of Morals by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[CobraDan]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew!
What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

[CobraDan]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch