Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainlyis!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[CobraDan]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I
used some horrible language this week and feel
absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the
elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it
struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 10 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel
ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth
and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior
again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel
was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly >
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away
in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel
dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming
impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over
the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped
about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother
Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

[CobraDan]

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too

far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

[Art Burtt]

A salesman went to a convention in a new town. He checked in early and asked the desk clerk for directions to the closest golf course.
While playing on the front nine he was rehersing his presentation
and became confused as to which hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him and asked her if she knew which hole he was playing.
She replied I'm on the 7th and you are a hole behind me so you're
on the sixth. he said thanks and continued his game.
On the back nine the same thing happened so he asked her again and she repiled I'm on the 14th so you must be on the 13th
hole behind me the 13th.
He finished his game and went to the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. he asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender replied,she's a slaes lady and plays this course quite often.
He approached her and said let me buy you a drink in appreciation for you're help.I understand you are in the sales profession.I'm in sales too. What do you sell?
She said if I told you you'd only laugh. No,I wouldn't he said.
Well, I sell Tampax! With that the guy fell off the bar stool laughing. She said see I told you you'd laugh. That's not what I'm laughing at. You see I sell toilet paper,so I'm still a hole behind you!

[Oldtimer]

Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar
but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle
box and pulled out a
12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant
me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And
the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying overhead is heard!

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not
Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do
yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

[speed220mph]

The Joke's On Us:

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

On the lighter side . . .

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Edley Rondinone]

1. Big old Bob was sitting at the bar, nursing his JD and Coke, when a bedraggled, old hooker sidles up to the barstool next to him. In a coarse, low voice, she says "For $100, I'll do whatever three words you want me to do." After a few moments, old Bob leaned over to the hooker and whispers in her ear, "Paint my House"!! 2. The blonde had lost her job. She was hurting for money, and since she lived in the countryside, there were not a lot of opportunities to make any cash. So she went to her new neighbor about a mile up the road, and asked him if he had any projects for her to do, so she could earn some cash. He said "Sure, you can paint my porch. The paint and brushes are in the garage". The blonde says "OK". About two hours later, she knocks on the man's door. He answers, and she tells him she is finished, and that it was a COBRA, not a PORSCHE!!

[CobraDan]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[CobraDan]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his
head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

[CobraDan]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said "My hands
are freezing cold. The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He
said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said,"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she asked, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned, the mother said,"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replied, "They sure make a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[CobraDan]

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty
seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its
seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm, who tells the dog, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

[Excaliber]

The world in Bovine and Kirkham Terms:

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage
his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your
cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The
people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give
it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for
you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells
you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of
sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.

Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls, "original" and "real" with the "correct" number of horns. Some guy in a Cowboy hat from Calif. sues you for having to many. Before he can collect, several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

[CobraDan]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
Hello - How are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."
"Which word?" the woman asked."
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.... there'll be Hell to pay later.

[Aloys]

Have you heard about the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

[CobraDan]

A Florida couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[CobraDan]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster
I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[CobraDan]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
>Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[CobraDan]

A man walks into a very posh Manhattan furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[CobraDan]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Dream Master]

What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about
it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in
Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to
ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So
we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!