Joke of the Day...

[Art Burtt]

One saggy boob says to the other one. If we don't get some support soon they are going to think we're nuts!!

[speed220mph]

A Real Man's Chain Letter-

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one
doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already
received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
playmate.

An unmarried Spanish man living with his widowed mother was to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the
list below!

> > > > Bill Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Billy Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Billie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > B. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > William Jefferson Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Jefferson Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Jeff Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. J. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > William J Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Wilhelm Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Willie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Will Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017

[CobraDan]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
=======================
This little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."

[CobraDan]

A lawyer married a
woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she
told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in
telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he
would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was
a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[CobraDan]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to

catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,

"Don't do it!

This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"


Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"


The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[John A. Simpson]

A man and his wife are on their evening stroll through the neighborhood. As they pass a friend's home they hear loud screaming and groaning. The wife says, "I've never heard such carrying on, Eloise must be having a fit". Wiith that her husband stops and listens for a bit and replies, " I believe you're right, and a tight one at that!"

[CobraDan]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking!

As kids we would be carted around in cars with no seat belts or air bags
and riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on and no one was able to reach us because cell phones hadn't been invented.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us... Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar cordial but we were hardly ever overweight ... because we were always outside playing and although we shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, no one actually

died.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 299 channels on cable, video taped movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them.

We rode bikes, roller skated, or walked to their homes and stood in front and yelled for them to come out to play, or knocked on the door, rang the bell or just walked in to visit them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Some students weren't as smart as
others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat it. And the next
time they usually passed.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected and there was no one
to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

And despite ... or, perhaps, because of all this ... this generation has
produced some of the most outstanding risk-takers, problem solvers,
innovators and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have seen an explosion of advancement and new ideas. Why?
Because we were given freedom and responsibility: the chance to succeed and
to fail. And we learned how to make the most of what we were given.

If you were one of us, congratulations! If you weren't, too bad!

[CobraDan]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."

[NeedAntiVenom]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[CobraDan]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Theothers looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a micro chip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and
went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[CobraDan]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course,
the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman
tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained
young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her
closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said,
"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[CobraDan]

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

[Art Burtt]

A woman goes to her gynecologist and is acting rather sheepish. The Dr. says "you've been coming to me for years,you know you can tell me anything,what's the problem? She replies "well, it's a little strange,in the morning I went to the bathroom and I heard
a plinking sound,when I got up the bowl was full of pennies".
In the afternoon the same thing happened and the bowl was full of nickels,then at night it was full of dimes". The Dr. replied,"oh it's nothing you're just going through your change".

[G.R.]

This is an old one told to me me when I was about 6-7yrs old by my granddad--it's a great one to tell your grandkids or young nieces or nephews--

"Lad(or Lass) do you know why dogs sniff others dogs butts?"

"No"

"Well it's like this, you see long,long ago a meeting was held and every dog had to attend--Well you know how dogs are--so it was decided before the meeting that all the dogs had to hang their butts in the coat room before entering the meeting--you know to keep the air nice and fresh--
The dogs were well into the meeting, everything was going good, things were getting done--
When you know what happened then?
A Cat snuck into the meeting hall saw all those dogs and you know what he did?"
"No"
"Why he went over to the fire alarm and turned it on--it started clanging and ringing, and the dogs went flying out of the meeting hall thinking the place was on fire ,and things got so messed up that no dog ever got his own butt back and that's why even today dogs sniff each others butts."

"And do you know why dogs don't like cats?"
"No"
" 'Cuz, when the dogs went running out of the hall with some other dog's butt and they all were sniffing around the cats were standing on the corner laughing their heads off"



Sort of a dumb joke but youngsters get a kick out of it--have a good one

[CobraDan]

IDIOTS AT THE PHONE COMPANY:

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 A.M. and 7:00 P.M. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. I asked him, "Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?" (Must be Sprint!!)

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why?? she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT AT THE AIRPORT:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT ON THE ROAD:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT IN MANAGEMENT:

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT WITH ELECTRICITY:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT WITH CARS:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER???

[Art Burtt]

When I was 16 I worked in a service station. One day a guy came in and asked if we could take all of his tires off and turn them so the air valves were all in the same position. The boss said sure but I'll have to charge you $2.00 per wheel. The guy said okay and went to the diner next door for coffee. We put the car on the lift and turned all tires per his request. He came back shortly and asked when we were going to do his car. The boss said it's all done and collected $8.00 which he shared with the two of us who had worked "so hard" to get the job done.

[CobraDan]

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.

[CobraDan]

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June, June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he answered, having eight Inches of Snow in June?"

[CobraDan]

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

[CobraDan]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an
announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now, sit back and relax - - - OH MY GOD!!!!"
Dead silence followed.
After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize. I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. But while I was speaking, the Flight Attendant brought me a
cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted back,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"